Chapter Text
After a sustaining and excellent repast at the Blue Boar, Mr Frederick Standen arrived at his uncle’s abode, Arnside, with foreboding and curiosity warring for supremacy: what could his eccentric Uncle Matthew Penicuik be about this time? The lodge-keeper was abed already, and had to be roused, and his Uncle’s butler, Stobhill, looked at him with surprise and something else indefinable. “The Master has gone to bed—I’ll let him say more—but if you’d care to step into the Saloon, you will find my Lord Dolphinton, my Lord Biddenden, the Reverend Rattray and Mr Westruther, with whom you may converse while I rouse the Master.”
Mr Standen blinked at Stobhill. “What, all of them? What are they doing here?”
Stobhill’s face was impassive. “I really couldn’t say, sir. You’ll have to ask the Master. But I’ll confirm that he called for all his nephews present in the country—”
“Dash it all,” murmured Mr Standen to himself. “Don’t know that I would have come if I’d have known all them were here. Sounds like a curst rum deal to me.”
His sense of foreboding was increased by the sympathetic look Stobhill gave him, but the butler said nothing, and instead led him to the Saloon. There, he found his four aforementioned cousins, and Miss Catherine Charing, his uncle’s ward, a look of delirious happiness on her face. Miss Charing had her arm tucked in Mr Westruther’s. Mr Standen spared a moment to wonder how his cousin Jack managed to inspire females to look at him in that way, and why females always fell for it. Then he noted that Miss Charing looked remarkably pretty, despite her drab, dowdy gown of green cambric. Freddy wondered vaguely what she’d look like if she were properly dressed in the height of fashion, and thought it was a pity his uncle was such a pinch-purse.
The expressions of his cousins when he entered the room ranged from amused to outright horrified.
Freddy waved at them all. “Hallo, Dolph, Biddenden, Hugh, Jack.” Then he bowed and took Miss Charing’s hand and kissed it. “Hallo, Kit.”
Kitty, for some reason, blushed painfully. “O this is awkward,” she said under her breath, and shot Jack an agonised glance.
Meanwhile, Jack was laughing in a way which put Freddy’s teeth on edge. “No, it’s not, my love, it’s too precious. Such a Freddy thing to do, to turn up after all the action has ended.”
George sent Jack a look of pure hatred. “You may find it amusing, Jack, but Kitty’s right—this whole thing is abominable—”
“—And in fact, most improper,” said Hugh, his hands behind his back, his austere mouth drawn tightly.
“I like Freddy,” said Dolphinton, rousing from his stupor on one of the rear couches. He had been sucking on the hilt of a paper knife with a look of abstraction. “Like him better than you, George. You weren’t even supposed to be here, you heard Uncle. Like him better than Hugh. Like him better than Jack too—I dislike Jack more than the rest of you put together—”
“I say the same to you, you sapskull,” snapped Jack.
“I must say, that kind of behaviour is most uncalled-for,” said Hugh, in sententious tones to Jack. “It ill behoves you.”
“You are a sore loser, Reverend,” smirked Jack.
Kitty smacked Jack’s arm. “Jack! Stop being so odious!” Then she stepped forward and soothed Dolphinton. “There, there, Dolph. You can say that you performed your part very creditably. Your Mama will have no cause to bite at you.”
Dolphinton turned mournful eyes to Kitty, as he turned the paper knife over and over in his hands. “I like you, Kitty. Like you better than all of them, but I’m much obliged to you for turning me down, because I don’t think we should suit.”
“Turning you down?” said Freddy, staring at Dolphinton. “Are you bamming me, Dolph?”
Jack began laughing again, a decidedly cruel edge to his laughter, and white lines appeared at the side of Hugh’s nose as he tried to control his expression. Freddy glanced down and noticed Hugh’s hands were fisted: he didn’t count himself as the cleverest of men, but if he was not mistaken, Hugh was a hair’s breadth away from knocking Jack down.
Fortunately this eventuality did not come to pass, because at that moment, Uncle Matthew entered, accompanied by his man Spiddle and several other servants. Mr Penicuik turned an unloving gaze upon Freddy, and his face spasmed as he looked Freddy up and down. “You’re late,” he said. “Far too late.”
“Didn’t get your message until today, sir,” said Freddy, amiably, although inside he was quaking—he did not like Matthew Penicuik, and tended to avoid the necessity of any filial visits to Arnside. “Been out of town, you see. Wouldn’t have come at all, except I happened to meet Dolph’s Mama as I was on the toddle in Bond Street, and got the feeling it would put a spoke in her wheel if I came. What’s this all about? Seems dashed smoky to me.”
“Imbecile,” said Mr Penicuik, dismissively. “Still, if I let Dolph make an offer—I promised I’d make no distinctions between any of you—”
“You can’t let Freddy make an offer!” Hugh looked horrified. “I really must decry this repugnant scheme in the most forthright manner, uncle. Kitty has already accepted Jack’s offer—”
Mr Penicuik wagged a palsied claw at Hugh. “I said that you could all have a turn, and I’m a man of my word. I don’t much care what you think, you prosy bore.”
“What, what, what?” said Freddy, horrified.
“You are a fool, little cousin,” said Jack, smirking at Freddy. “Did you not realise what our uncle’s lay was?”
“I have a sense of family feeling. Freddy shall have a chance like any of the rest of you.” Mr Penicuik turned to Freddy. “I have said that Kitty shall get my fortune provided she accepts the hand of one of my great-nephews in marriage. She turned down Dolph and Hugh, and she’s accepted Jack—but you could always try to persuade her to accept you instead?”
Kitty was blushing horribly. “Uncle! Please! Don’t! Don’t do this!”
Freddy stared at Kitty. “What?” Then he bowed with the utmost grace. “My felicitations, my dear Kitty.”
“Well, I’ll leave you boys to it,” said Mr Penicuik, with a malicious glance at Freddy, and his retinue of servants assisted him out.
For some moments, Freddy’s mind was a roaring blank.
“Dash it all,” he managed eventually. “I ain’t the kind of gudgeon who’s going to propose to a girl who’s already accepted the hand of another man in marriage.” He bowed to Kitty and found that he was blushing. “Fond of you. Very good sort of girl. But I ain’t the marrying type and I don’t think we should suit.”
“What a Standen,” said Jack dismissively.
Kitty shot a flashing glance at Jack. “Stop it, Jack.” She came over to Freddy and took his hand in her small hand. “I’m so sorry, Freddy, that Uncle Matthew has put you in such a horrid position.” She cast her eyes down. “I didn’t think you were coming, Freddy, otherwise I would have waited. O, this is so very awkward.”
Freddy was shot through with a bolt of surprise. “You would have waited—? Eh, what, Kit!”
“Well, it doesn’t signify, because I would have had to turn you down, but at least it wouldn’t have been in this ghastly way, because you are the very kindest of the cousins.” Kitty kissed Freddy gently on the cheek.
“I like Freddy too!” said Dolphinton. “Like him better than Hugh. Better than George. And better than Jack—”
“I said, be quiet, you numbskull,” growled Jack.
“Stop it, Jack.” Kitty’s face lit up. “So you will take me to London, Jack? O, please do, now we’re engaged!”
“O no, my dear, no need for that,” said Jack, easily. “Uncle Matthew depends upon you. I can’t deprive him of you.”
“But I have always so wanted to go to the city!” Kitty’s eyes shone. “Now that we’re betrothed, Uncle Matthew can’t say no?”
Jack pinched Kitty’s chin in a way Freddy found disturbing. “Don’t be silly, my darling love.” Then he shot a glance around the circle. “Say goodnight to all your disappointed swains.”
“If you’re going to behave in that odious way,” said Kitty, playfully, “I’m tempted to say we aren’t suited after all, Jack.”
“No, you’re not,” said Jack, and kissed Kitty forcefully, in a way which made Hugh’s eyes widen. Freddy, meanwhile, was conscious of a strange feeling of spiritual heartburn in his chest: he wondered what it might signify. He focused on the fireplace instead.
“Good night all,” said Kitty, and tripped off, still glowing.
Jack grinned at them all and stretched lazily. “I’m heading to bed, the feeling of victory running through my veins.”
“Good riddance,” said George.
Jack laughed uproariously. “Temper, temper, Biddenden.” Then he left.
Freddy looked at his cousins. “Well, well. What a business?”
“Quite,” said Hugh, coldly. “Although I confess, I did make her an offer, before Jack arrived, simply because I didn’t want her to live in penury on account of our uncle’s whims.”
Freddy looked at Hugh in horror. “You made Kit an offer out of pity?”
“He muffed it entirely, despite my tutelage,” said George.
“You weren’t invited, Biddenden,” said Dolph, triumphantly. “Uncle said it at breakfast. He said it at lunch. He said—”
“There there,” said Freddy, patting Dolphinton’s arm. “I’m sure you’re right, those are the kinds of things you’re good at recalling.”
Dolphinton beamed at him. “I am, aren’t I, Freddy?”
Freddy put his chin in his hands after Biddenden had called for some cognac. “Thing is,” he said, with worry, “I ain’t sure that Jack’s going to make that girl a good husband. Should see the prime article he’s been throwing out lures to this last age.”
“I’m dashed sure that Jack isn’t going to make her a good husband,” said George. “I say, what prime article?”
“I ain’t in the petticoat line myself, as you might know,” said Freddy. “But there’s this young, beautiful girl who’s just been introduced to town—mother’s an Abbess of the highest nature—you know the sort—”
“I most certainly do not,” said Hugh with disgust. “What does Jack mean to do with this woman?”
“Offer a carte blanche, of course, when it becomes evident that the only others who’ll consider her seriously are roues and rakes,” said Freddy, with surprise.
“Of course,” said Biddenden. “What’s her name?”
“Broughty or Barty or something,” said Freddy. “I don’t know her, I should stress. Not the kind of girl I would know. I’ve just seen her on the edges of the ton. And strikes me—Kit won’t know about mistresses and Abbesses and all that. Thinks the light shines out of Jack’s shoelaces.”
“You should have offered for her, then,” said George, nastily.
Freddy stared at George. “Me? Why’d Kit take me? I mean, you must know I ain’t got no brains, Biddenden. Good sense of style, and I can dance, but that’s about it.”
“Plus a tidy fortune,” said George, bitterly.
Freddy shook his head. “Kit ain’t a fortune hunter! Won’t have you saying she is.” He thought further. “Jack is, but. He’s at all the hells—well known as a gamester. Wonder if he’s in dun territory? Wonder if that’s why he’s proposed to Kit?” The more he thought about it, the more uneasy he felt.
“I like Kitty better than all of you,” said Dolph, in lugubrious tones. “Wish she hadn’t accepted Jack. Don’t like him. She’d have been better accepting Freddy, not Jack. I like Freddy.”
Freddy looked kindly at his cousin, and patted his hand. “I didn’t offer for her, Dolph. Don’t get yourself into a twist. She was always going to accept Jack when he dropped the handkerchief—”
“I do take your point, Freddy,” said Hugh, in austere tones, “that I doubt it will be a happy marriage, no matter that Kitty is happy now. While she has a sadly frivolous attitude to life, she is a good girl with a sound sense of morals. I expect she will regret it when she discovers what Jack is really like, and she would have been much better to marry one of us. But what’s done is done.”
“Well of course it’s done if you take that attitude, Hugh,” said George. “Really, you did muff the thing entirely.”
“Think I’m going to go to bed,” said Freddy. “Good night all.”
He went to the icy-cold, uncomfortable chamber his uncle had set aside for him, and recalled exactly why it was that he avoided Arnside so assiduously. A maid put a warming pan in the bed, which made it a little more tolerable, but the mattress was still lumpy and hard.
Freddy tossed and turned, a strange spiritual heartburn eating at his chest. He didn’t understand why he was so upset. He’d never wished to get married, and always been shy and awkward around women. He expected he would marry a woman whom his mother chose for him.
After long thought, he concluded that he was upset because his uncle had created a hideously awkward situation. He was very much touched that Kitty had kissed him on the cheek and called him the kindest of cousins. She’d seemed to feel as awkward about all of it as he had. He concluded glumly that there wasn’t much use being kind when people like Jack Westruther were about. He was just about to drop off to sleep when something unwelcome occurred to him. While he was often shy with women, he’d never had any difficulty talking to Kitty. He wondered what it signified.
“O dash it all,” said Freddy, wondering if he was ever going to get to sleep, and putting a pillow over his head. “Pity I ain’t got no brains and I’m scared of Uncle Matthew.”
After some moments of thinking, he took the pillow off. “I’d still be a better husband for any female than Jack would. Well, the thing is, I’m not a gamester, I don’t keep mistresses, I’m not in dun territory.”
On that slightly encouraging thought, he fell asleep.