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Sam was aware that there was a risk in this lifestyle. He knew that no matter what job he accepted, there was always the chance of bullets lurking in the mist behind him. Which he was fine with since, after spending years in that jail cell, all those years wasting his life away, all the gunfire, and escaping death by the skin of his teeth reminded him that he was still alive.
Risking his life is something he’s gotten used to, even when he’s working with Victor he’s always quick to cover him, not only because Nathan would never forgive him if anything happened to the man that he considered a father die on his watch but also because he genuinely enjoyed Victor's company. Victor was someone he’d gotten used doing all this stuff with, he was familiar with Victor and despite their past disagreements, he knew that Victor was a good man, it’s why Nathan trusted him so much.
What he wasn’t used to however, was Chloe and Nadine now being thrown into the mix.
He watched them work together, watched their relationship and he couldn’t help but be reminded so much of him and Nathan, with some considerable differences; Chloe was far smarter and competent than both him and his brother combined, and despite being on the streets sort of speak for most of their lives Chloe seemed to even excel in that aspect as well, yet despite those differences Chloe managed to treat Sam like Nathan had, like an obnoxious older brother. And Nadine was… well was Nadine, as intimidating as ever but they were getting better. Sam had to admit that there was something there, between them, something that had been growing in the last few years since he started partnering with Nadine but neither of them had the heart to do anything for fear of making things awkward.
Nadine wasn’t the type to talk about her feelings and Sam was the exact same.
Things were different since everything that happened Avery’s treasure, but they were also familiar in a way that didn’t make him feel like a third wheel like he had felt when he was around them in them back in India or when he’d around Nathan and Victor.
Despite their teasing ignorance of him sometimes, Girl stuff and all that. He felt included here with them, he felt seen? Whereas with Nathan it felt like he.. was stuck in his brother’s amazing shadow of greatness. Most would say that’s jealousy talking but for him the shadow Nathan casted wasn’t something he was at all jealous of, but merely wished that he could have been apart of.
Despite this, being part of a trio was an adjustment period for him. But, as luck would have it, having two people by his side did have its benefits.
For one thing, having more people meant he didn't have to keep an eye on himself as much; he'd cover them and they'd cover him in return, and for another, he actually enjoyed their company just as much as Victor's. Their presence was a great distraction from wishing he could be doing all of this with Nathan, and damn did he miss his brother.
But, like with everything else in his life, relying on more than one person also had its consequences. And for Sam, it meant twice as many bullets in their way, which meant twice as many chances of getting hurt.
Sam leaned forward on his bed, digging his elbows into his thighs and pressing his hands against his brow. He felt sick to his stomach, the events replaying in his head over and over again like a loop from a VHS tape.
It was supposed to be a simple job, or as simple as it could be to find the lost half of the Patiala Necklace.
Victor had said that he had it all mapped out, done what he does best secured everything, that finding artifact was going to be the easy part and escaping was going to be challenging, because when wasn’t that the case?
Miraculously they’d gotten it, they somehow managed to find the damned thing despite Nadine saying otherwise. Sam had found himself grinning proud when he held the necklace in his hands, like a trophy, narrowing his eyes at her, teasingly.
But, as Victor had predicted, the difficult part had been leaving; Sam could not think straight as hundreds of bullets went past them in every direction, and it seemed the route "will shoot to kill" was in full effect.
Sam had spotted the sniper long before Nadine did, and his body just reacted, the split second his eyes landed on the laser and Nadine's head.
“Get down!”
His body just moved all on it’s own at that point, the realization that she would be hurt or worse if he didn't do anything filled him with a feeling he couldn't put into words.
Sam clenched his teeth as the bullet pierced his back and exited just under his collarbone; despite the white-hot pain, he was almost proud of himself for not making a single sound.
Sam's adrenaline had waned and he all but collapsed once they were reasonably secure and sound aboard Sully's plane; he hadn't known Chloe had done the same until he looked at her through half-lit vision and saw blood soaking the plane's floor. He realized then that while he'd taken a hit for Nadine, Chloe had taken a far more severe one for him.
Sam pressed his palms into his eyes and let out a shaky sigh. His hands shook and he flashed back yet again seeing Chloe’s body. Watched as her blood soaked her clothing—
He felt sick, nausea bubbled up in his stomach and he could taste the acid in his throat. He had no problem risking his own life, but others risking theirs for him? That’s what he couldn’t accept. Couldn’t comprehend. Because why him? Why risk so much for someone like him?
First it was Nathan. His little brother had risked so much to keep him alive in Libertalia, nearly destroyed him what he had with Elena for him, was willing to die with him on that ship because he couldn't bear the thought of losing him again. And now it was Chloe. Because, according to Nadine, she did not hesitate to protect him from the several bullets that were fired at him.
Just like Nathan.
Both of them were stubborn in their own right and were always willing to risk anything to protect the people they cared about regardless of the risk to their lives.
But why did he have to be a part of that? He knew they cared about him but what he couldn’t fathom was why? After what he's done, he's not worth anything. All of his mistakes and gaffes. Lying to Nathan and Sully, nearly wrecking Nathan's marriage, and nearly getting Nathan killed by Rafe, all to satisfy his warped obsession with Avery's treasure.
Chloe was just another one to add to the list of people he’s hurt. Which only added to his long list of guilt and self hatred, he wasn’t worth it, wasn’t worth their lives, he wasn’t worth any of it.
He clutched the Patiala Necklace in his hand, he glared at the object, a pit forming in his heart and he threw the damn thing at the wall across the room. where it connected with it with a thunk! and landed off in the corner somewhere.
Was it worth it?
With Chloe currently fighting for her life, no it hadn’t been worth it at all.
Sam heard heavy footsteps coming down the hallway, he lifted his head just in time to see Nathan walk through the doorway, panting heavily, looking as scared and panicked as he did when he was a kid after Evelyn had nearly shot them. “Sam…”
In a flash, Chloe’s body was replaced with Nathan’s.
He hadn’t meant it to, because he knew that despite how similar they were: Chloe wasn’t Nathan. Guilt was already creeping up inside him because this wasn’t about Sam’s damned PTSD or Nathan at all, his attention should be on Chloe but… he couldn’t help it. Looking at his little brother right now, having gone what he had just been through—
He couldn’t help it
He extended his trembling arm out in the same silent invitation he'd used when they were kids. Nathan ran to him at full speed, holding him so tightly that Sam’s wound shot pain through his body, but he didn't care. All he could think about was everything that had happened, Chloe's motionless body in his mind, the guilt he felt there, Nathan taking her place—
It was all too much.
He drew Nathan closer, digging his fingernails into the fabric of his younger brother's shirt as tears streamed down his face; it took him a moment to realize he wasn't the only one shaking. Sam immediately suppressed his own pain and focused on his brother.
“Shh.” He murmured softly, his fingers running through Nathan's hair, “I’m okay.”
Nathan only pressed his chin into Sam’s shoulder, “Jesus Christ, Sam. When Sully called me, he said you and Chloe were in surgery—“
Sam closed his eyes, “I’m okay. I mean I’m not sure about Chloe but, I’m okay…”
Nathan drew back, breaking the hug to grab his shoulders and shake him. “A bullet through the collar bone isn’t okay, Sam!” The heartbreak on Nathan’s face, the fear in his little brother’s eyes, it was enough to twist the knife in his heart, the guilt set in and Sam felt like the worst human being in the world.
Everything was too much and it all bubbled to the surface, “It’s my fault.” His throat felt tight but he forced the words out anyway. “She could be dying and it’s my fault because I wasn’t good enough.” He was babbling at this point but he couldn’t stop himself as he word vomited everything out, “I’ve never been enough, if I had maybe mom would have never—“ He choked on those worlds, as his hands shook, he bowed his head and gripped the fabric of Nathan’s clothes for some type of stability but he knew there was nothing that could ground him now, not when he was already spiraling.
Nathan shook his head, looking so very confused and concerned all at once. “Hey don’t do that. It wasn’t your fault, Chloe made a choice—“
Anger flared inside Sam’s chest, “That fucking doesn’t make it okay, Nathan! Not for me! I’m not worth dying over!” He felt burning at the corner of his eyes, he wanted to wipe them away but he just didn’t have the energy. “I don’t know why I thought things would be different. No matter where I go I always manage to screw people over. Look at how many times you almost died when you were around me, hell Chloe could be dying right now and it’s my fault!” His rage surprised, hasn’t felt such anger coursing through since the day their dad dropped them off at the orphanage, but just as quickly as his anger came, it disappeared just as fast, leaving him drained and so very tired. “Sometimes I think everyone would have been better off if I’d just stayed dead.”
He barely had time to register the fact that Nathan was hugging him until he felt himself being crushed to Nathan’s chest. “Don’t you ever say that again!” Sam’s eyes widened as Nathan’s voice sounded nearly venomous in his ear. “Better off? You really think that? Sam, I was numb. When I thought I lost you I couldn’t escape the hurt. I couldn’t even talk about you and the only way I felt close to you was treasure hunting.”
They'd never discussed it, and Sam had never asked Nathan why he'd stopped adventuring, partly because he didn't want to know the answer, and partly because he already knew; because of Elena.
It was all for Elena.
Victor had given him a summary of what had happened after Shambala, he recalled the days afterwards of Nathan had spent at Elena’s side, he lost sleep, he didn’t eat, he paced around the room, muttering to himself.
“Last time I saw him like that was when he lost you.”
Those had been Victor’s words.
Sam never asked his little brother why he’d given up treasure hunting, mainly because he never needed to. And no matter how much it hurt him, how much it had stung knowing that Nathan had decided to let him go, he knew why in the end.
Nathan just didn’t need him anymore.
Knowing that had hurt more than any bullet wound or internal injury. Sam swallowed a lump that formed in his throat, his arms falling limp at his sides. “Then why’d you stop?”
It was the last thing he wanted to say because he knew Nathan and he knew how he’d react, but the pain and overwhelming burden of all he was carrying in this moment, he couldn’t help it, the words tumbled out before he had a chance to stop them.
Nathan had gone on every adventure Sam had ever fantasized about during his years in Panama. Where the two of them went on one crazy ride after another, making a name for themselves and proving to all those people whoever looked down on them that they were something, that they were great, that they could be the best Treasure Hunters ever, that whatever they did, they did it all together.
Instead, Nathan was given numerous chances to prove himself, and his brother even accomplished the impossible by becoming a Legend. A Legend without him. While Sam, on the other hand, had spent the better part of his life rotting in a cell, dead to the rest of the world as the inmates and guards hollowed him out until he was nothing. And not even getting out and gaining his freedom, something he’s always wanted, was enough to fill that hollowness up, feelin the sun on his face and the breeze against his cheek even that had been a letdown when he realized that Nathan had grown up without him, who'd grown tired of playing treasure hunt and running for their lives and just… left Sam behind.
At this point, all he seemed capable of doing was dragging his brother and any other person close to him down.
How else was he supposed to see himself?
Sam felt Nathan stiffen, his shoulders going taught and his arms tightening around him out of shock. Sam opened his mouth to apologize, to say that he didn’t blame Nathan but what came out was the exact opposite of what he wanted, “I mean, I get why. You didn’t need me anymore, and I kinda did a shit job at being a role model for you, you even have a super awesome wife, no one shooting at you… anyone would chose that—“
Sam’s brain stutters for a moment as he feels Nathan’s hand connect to the back of his head. He blinked several times, he barely had time to register what was happening before Nathan was shaking him by his shoulders. “You asshole…” Nathan’s eyes were filled with an anger he’d never seen before, along with a hurt that cut through Sam’s heart like a knife.
He was quick to apologize, or he would have if Nathan had given him the chance.
“Sam, do you have any idea what losing you did to me? I did anything I could to fill the space you left behind. I tried to fill it with Sully and then Elena…” Nathan smiled as he often did when he talked about Elena. “She pulled me out of the pit I found myself in. My obsession with treasure hunting. My want to keep even the smallest part of you around in any way I could. But she made me see there was more to me than searching for ancient objects that have been lost for hundreds of years. She made me see that I could move on from that, that I could have a normal life, that I could let you go.” Sam flinched visibly at those words but Nathan gripped his shoulders to get his attention. “Hey, no, that doesn’t mean I didn’t wish you were a part of it, everything I did back then I did to be close to you, Sully and Elena helped ground me, but there was still something missing. Even living a normal life, I knew what that feeling was but I didn’t acknowledge it until I saw you again. I knew deep down I could never really let you go.”
He avoided Nathan’s eyes, the guilt creeped up into his heart. “How can you want me around? I almost ruined your marriage, I almost got you killed. I’m not worth—“
Nathan shook him ever so gently, “You are. Jesus Sam, you’re my brother, I love you. Nothing will ever change that. And listen, I’m not gonna say that I wasn’t angry at you when I found out you lied because I was, and I know we both made a lot of mistakes back in Libertalia but no matter what the one thing I don’t regret is getting you back.”
He didn't know why that set him off, why those words were what broke him, but they did. He couldn’t stop the tears from cascading down his cheeks, not that he didn't really try, everything was just…too much. What he did in the past, the fact that Chloe was dying because of him— He just feels so lost, broken and guilt ridden because he caused all this.
His actions, his mistakes.
Sam reached out and drew him forward with little warning, his arms closing around Nathan in a tight embrace. “I’m sorry.” He clung to Nathan like a lifeline, “I’m so sorry, little brother.”
After everything he’d done, all the shit he always manages to fuck up, he didn’t deserve Nathan. His brother was just too good, too amazing to have such a shit brother like him.
Sam guessed that he must have said all that was aloud because suddenly Nathan had tightened his arms around him. “Oh Sam, why didn’t you say anything? The way you're thinking, it’s not healthy.”
Sam let out a hollow laugh, “When you spend years being told your nothing, constantly being beat over the head that you're a waste of human flesh, then I guess after a while you start believing it.”
“That doesn’t make it okay. Dammit Sam, when you get cleared, promise me you’ll talk to someone, I know you don’t like shrinks but please…” The plea in Nathan’s voice, the fear and desperation as his shoulders shook, made Sam feel something twist up inside his chest.
He swallowed thickly, and held his brother tenderly. Running his fingers through that short hair of his, like he used to when they’d been kids. They weren't kids anymore, as evidenced by the gray hairs on both of their heads, but it was an action he knew they'd never outgrow, and one that they both needed right now.
“Okay.” He murmured, his voice trying to be soothing but cracked all the same. “I’ll try.”
Nathan pulled back, looking directly at him, surprise in his eyes, “Really?”
He didn’t like the idea of talking about his feelings, didn’t like how being so open made him feel, like an exposed nerve that never fully healed but if it made Nathan happy then he was willing to give it a try. Sam gave his best attempt at a smile, “Yeah.”
The relief that spread across Nathan’s face made it all worth it. Nathan bowed his head a bit and let out a sigh, “Thank you.”
This time the smile did reach his eyes, “I aim to please.”
A knock at the door broke the moment they were wrapped in, there standing in the doorway was Nadine. “You two done having your little heart to heart?”
Sam snickered, as Nathan pulled away, his arms falling to his side. “Why? You gonna come barreling into my arms?”
There was a little twitch from the corner of Nadine’s mouth. “Not likely. Just wanted to check to see that you're not dead.”
Sam placed his hand over his heart, “Aw you worried about me?”
Nadine rolled her eyes, “I’ll tear those stitches out if you don’t stop talking.”
Sam looked to Nathan and smiled, raising his hands in the air in defeat, “How’s Chloe doing?”
“Stable.” Nadine stated, leaning further against the door. “And out of surgery. Two bullets in her abdomen, but thankfully neither of them hit anything vital.”
Sam closed his eyes and bowed his head, relief filling him. “Thank god. I saw all that blood and I thought—“
Nathan grasped his forearm to keep him grounded, “All that matters is that she’s okay.”
Sam let out a sigh, nodded, and ran his hand down his face, he gazed shifted to Nadine and Nathan, who looked just as relieved as he did. He watched as Nadine blinked, something catching her eye off in the corner. He followed her gaze and saw that she had found the necklace laying there. She narrowed her eyes at him in a glare.
Sam held up his hands, unable to make an excuse for himself, “I uh… may have thrown it against the wall.”
Nadine’s expression remained monotone. “Think I’ll hold onto this.” She placed it in her back pocket, “I’m heading to the cafeteria.” She hesitated for a second before turning her attention to Nathan, “Want anything?”
Sam watched Nathan blink in surprise, “Uh… coffee, please.”
Nadine nodded and made her way towards the door, then she paused and turned back to him, her eyes locking with Sam’s, “What you did back there… thank you.”
For a moment the rest of the world fell away, even Nathan had somehow merged into the background as he looked at the other, he regarded her with a smile and a nod, “Anytime.” Sam watched her go, the moment she was gone he heard Nate let out a snicker. He narrowed his eyes, “What are you laughing at?”
“Anytime.” Nathan said in his best impression of Sam. “Could you be any more transparent?”
Sam rolled his eyes, “I don’t know what you're talking about. We were being polite, we’re partners, nothing more.”
“C’mon, you think I can't tell when you're flirting? I've known you half my life. That—“ Nathan gestured towards the door where Nadine had been standing, “Is exactly how you act when you flirt with someone you actually like. You were like that with Crystal, with that woman who worked at the bar Sully took us to when I turned twenty one.”
This was the last thing he ever wanted to discuss ever, Sam leaned against the bed and pulled the covers up and over his face. “Lord, take me please.”
Nathan laughed, patting his arm, “I never thought I’d see the day; my brother having a genuine crush—“
“No.” Sam smacked his hand away and laid back against his bed, “Nope, absolutely not. I’m not discussing my love life with my baby brother.”
Even from under the covers Sam would see that his brother had the biggest grin spread across his face, like he had just been given the best news possible, he felt Nathan grip the sheets and yanked the covers off of him, “Wait hold on— Love life? Did I miss something? How serious is this? Does she like you too?”
He pressed his fingers to his eyes, “I literally don’t have enough painkillers in me to deal with you right now.”
Fortunately for him, the conversation came to an end when Victor, Elena, and Cassie entered the room. Cassie would have jumped on top of him if Nathan hadn't caught her mid-air and held her in his arms for a moment while explaining to her that she needed to be gentle with him.
Cassie whined, her lower lip jetting out in a pout that was identical to the one Nathan had when they’d been kids, Sam couldn’t help but smile as he held out his arms in invitation for his niece, Cassie grinned and gently curled up against his side
Victor moved towards him and placed a firm hand on his shoulder, “How you feeling, boyo?”
Sam smiled, shrugging his shoulders, gritting his teeth when the actions caused a sharp pain to shoot through the back of his neck and down his spine. “Oh you know, bruised but alive. Painkillers are sure helping, though.”
Victor shook his head and let out a chuckle, “I swear you boys are both the cause of my gray hairs.”
Sam snorted as did Nathan right beside him. Victor stepped back and Elena took his place, wasting no time in wrapping her arms around his neck. “Don’t ever do this again. You scared us.” She whispered to him in his ear, “Cassie was so confused and Nate…”
Sam closed his eyes, as she trailed off, she hadn’t needed to finish. He knew exactly how Nathan had reacted. Saw it with his own eyes as he walked into his room. He tightened one of his arms around Cassie and looped the other around Elena’s shoulder and returned the embrace. “Sorry. It wasn’t supposed to end so badly. But it was either me or Nadine getting shot. Nathan would do the same for you.”
Elena sighed, “I know.” She gave him one last squeeze before letting go and joining Nathan’s side by his bed. “Unfortunately.” Sam gave her another sympathetic smile, he understood her concern, and after what happened today he might just consider taking some time off.
Nadine walked back into the room then, wasting no time as she unceremoniously tossed Nathan a can of coffee, nearly hitting him square on the forehead and handed Sam a container of pudding. Sam smiled and gave her a small bow, “The good stuff, Hail Mary.”
Nadine snorted, “You’re just lucky I didn’t get you Jello. That was the last one in the entirety.”
Sam placed a hand over his chest once again, bowing, “Ah, you're too good to me.”
Nathan let out a small snort beside him, and if Sam didn’t have his arm wrapped around his niece then he’d elbow Nathan’s side. A small delicate finger poked his cheek, “Sam?” He blinked and looked down at Cassie, her eyes shined with an identical concern just as Nathan had when he was younger. “Are you okay now?”
Sam paused for a moment to consider that question. Physically, he was fine, to a certain point but his emotional and mental state had yet to be determined. His conversation with Nate definitely helped him feel less hateful towards himself, but there was still that feeling in his chest, that lingering feeling of self-deprecation.
Something must have shown on his face, because he felt a hand gently press against his shoulder. It brought him back to reality, turning him blind and causing him to look up at Nathan, concerned. He looked around at Elena, Victor, and Nadine.
He took a deep breath and realized that everything was fine. He was still alive. Chloe was alive, he was with his brother, and he was surrounded by people who genuinely cared about him.
Sam smiled and looked directly at Nathan, “I will be.”
Nathan returned it, immediately
Yeah, he would be, with time.