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To say that Raph was running on fumes would be the understatement of the century.
The month following the invasion had been... Rough, to say the very least. Between his family's many combined injuries and issues, their ruined lair, and the horrible mess that was New York City above them, his hands had been more than a little busy with, well, everything.
His family needed him. He was the biggest brother, the eldest son, second-in-command of the Mad Dogs; responsibility was not a foreign concept, but sometimes, it really did feel like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Raph would never willingly admit it, though; his family didn't need to know. Their guilt would just make him feel worse, after all.
Besides, it's not like he hated taking care of his family. Really, it was nice a lot of the time. He enjoyed feeling needed, feeling like he could provide for his family, like he could keep them safe. What kind of big brother would he be if he didn't? Still, it was a heavy weight to bear, even for him.
Raph sighed from his spot on the couch, rubbing his temples. There just wasn't time to sit around, wallowing in his own thoughts. After a moment of hesitance, he stood up, stretching out his achy body even though he'd love nothing more than to sink into the couch and ignore the world for a while. It was only a matter of time until his family would need him again, and he couldn't waste his time doing, well, nothing.
As if on cue, he heard a yell from the kitchen, his attention now focused on that and that alone. Mikey and Leo were supposed to be having a 'playdate' in there, after they had decided to spend their afternoon baking. Had something gone wrong? Was someone hurt? His anxiety spiked as he rushed through the lair, loud voices still filling the otherwise quiet home. He nearly tripped on his own feet when he slid into the kitchen, struggling to right himself enough to view the scene in front of him.
Mikey was shouting at Leo, stomping and pacing the kitchen as his blue brother tried to shout back from where he was standing near the counter. The kitchen was a mess, but that was to be expected, so he paid no mind to it.
"Mikey! Leo! What's going on?" Raph had to raise his voice to be heard over their squabbling. The pair quieted down as they finally realized he was there, but it didn't last for long.
"Leo keeps eating all th' cookie dough!" Mikey whined, pointing a very accusatory finger at Leo, who was now sticking his tongue out at the youngest brother. Sure enough, as Raph took a closer look, he saw that Leo's right hand was covered in cookie dough, the evidence of his crimes in clear view.
"Nuh-uh! Only had a little bit! Not all of it!" He huffed, crossing his arms. "'n it's only cus it's taking too long t' make them!"
"Tha's cus you forgot t' turn on the oven 'n I had to do it! The cookies would be done if you didn't forget!"
"How was I s'posed to know you wanted the oven on!?"
"'Cus I told you, dummy!"
"You're a dummy!"
Before their fight could go any further, Raph stepped between them, effectively silencing both brothers.
"Guys! Fighting ain't gonna get you two nowhere. Leo, you're gonna say sorry to Mikey for eating the cookie dough," he started, putting a finger up to shush Leo before he could argue, "and Mikey, you're gonna say sorry to Leo for calling him a dummy."
After much grumbling and whining, he managed to get them to apologize to each other, redirecting their attention to their abandoned cooking project. Raph kept them company as they resumed the baking, joining in to help them shape what was left of the cookie dough. If it kept them civil, then it would be worth it despite his exhaustion.
He helped them clean the kitchen, trying his best to keep up with their rambling, even if he couldn't quite understand everything they were saying. They seemed more than happy with his rather lame responses though, not discouraged in the slightest. A part of him felt jealous; he wished he had someone to take care of him, to engage him like that. Sure, there had been a couple times that he'd been able to regress in the safety of his room, but he felt too guilty to ask anyone to keep him company. He was supposed to look after them, not the other way around.
He sighed, rubbing his good eye to bring his focus back before glancing over the room once again. It wasn't perfectly clean, but it was good enough for now. Leo and Mikey had settled into a comfortable conversation on the floor as they waited for the oven to preheat, keeping each other busy, and Raph felt comfortable enough to leave them alone for now. He needed to check on the remaining members of his family, after all, and he couldn't do that while staying in the kitchen.
"Hey, you guys gonna be good if I leave? I gotta go do some stuff, and I don't want y'all getting in trouble," he said, crouching beside them.
"Mhm! We're good!" Leo reassured, giving him an exaggerated thumbs up for emphasis. Raph snorted with a smile, standing back up again and leaving after a quick wave goodbye. Now, onto his next task: checking on Donnie. He came out of his room for breakfast, but Raph hadn't seen him since then, doing nothing to help his nerves. Checking on them was necessary, if only to calm his anxious thoughts.
It was a quick walk to Donnie's lab, waiting patiently after knocking on the door. He'd been trying to get better about not barging in unannounced, seeing as that was a habit that his tech-obsessed brother rather hated, so even though his anxiety rose with every second spent waiting, he'd still force himself to stay put.
Thankfully, he didn't have to wait for too long; a minute later and the door was sliding open, Donnie leaning against the frame with his phone in hand.
"What can I do for you, Raphael?"
"Oh, um-- Just comin' in to check on you, bud. Haven't seen ya since breakfast," he replied, feeling a little sheepish now that he was saying it out loud. Donnie seemed alright, and Raph knew that he didn't enjoy being hovered over, but he couldn't help it! Checking on his family was just his job, plain and simple.
"Huh. Well, I'm doing just fine. Just doing some work on S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.," he hummed, pausing for a moment after he finished before his eyes lit up. "Oh! Raph, I want to show you something! Follow me, dear brother, and prepare to be amazed."
With that, Raph was being led into the lab, Donnie talking a million miles an hour as he started on a tangent about his latest project. Despite the fact that he didn't really understand most of the science-y words (let alone the mechanics of the machine he was currently showing him), he nodded along, interjecting with a well-placed 'oh, yeah?' or 'mhm' whenever he felt it was right. His little brother was brimming with energy, pacing and waving his arms around in a dramatic fashion as he rambled on and on, a wild smile plastered to his face, and he didn't want to discourage him or anything. That wasn't what big brothers were supposed to do, after all.
Still, it was tiring. After what felt like forever, Donnie's rambles finally slowed to a stop, his wild smirk turning into an almost bashful look when he turned to face his brother.
"Heh, got a bit carried away there. I'm done now, though, if you'd like to leave."
Raph silently thanked the universe for that. Don't get him wrong; he loved Donnie dearly, and he'd stand around for however long he needed to make that known, but his brain really, truly felt like it was going numb. One man can only take so much tech talk, you know.
Before he could even say his goodbyes, however, he heard commotion coming from outside the lab; Dad, April, and Casey Jr. must've gotten home from their trip up topside. Splinter had been taking future boy up with him for simple errands to help him adjust, while Draxum had been taking him to explore the Hidden City on the off days. It kept the kid busy, which was basically necessary to keep him sane at this point. Going from a terrifying apocalyptic future into the safety of their present-day was more than a little bit of a shock to his system, but a consistent routine was doing him plenty of favors.
Raph quickly said goodbye before hurrying off to greet the new arrivals. He ended up carrying their many bags for them even though his arms ached in protest. Ignoring the pain was necessary; he was supposed to be the strong one, and a handful of bags shouldn't be enough to impede him. Splinter had already dragged Casey off to who knows where, leaving Raph alone with April.
"Yeesh, what did you guys even get? These things are heavy!" he said with a small laugh, hoping the conversation would take his mind off of everything else.
"Oh, just boring stuff," April hummed. "New clothes for Casey 'cus he needs some stuff of his own for once, groceries, snacks, yadda yadda. You know the drill."
Raph rolled his eyes at that, smiling before eyeing a particularly vibrant paper bag currently being held in his left hand. It was bright and multicolored, covered in polka dots and filled with tissue paper, obscuring whatever was inside. Whatever it was, it was significantly lighter than the other bags.
"Uh, April? What about this?" he asked, gently shaking around the bag. He almost winced at the movement, but held it back. April made a soft noise of surprise before lunging for the bag, taking it out of his hand.
"Ah, wait-- No peeking! It's a surprise for someone, and I do not want any of y'all spilling what it is," she said quickly, holding the bag close to her body. Raph chuckled at that, shaking his head. Probably a gift for Casey Jr; he'd been getting a lot of them lately to make him feel welcome, so what was one more? It made sense to him, so he didn't pry.
Walking into the kitchen revealed that Mikey and Leo had finished their project and dipped, a cooling tray of cookies still sitting on top of the oven (although a good quarter of the tray was already reduced to crumbs). April grabbed one, taking a bite as she turned to Raph.
"Mikey's doing, I assume?" she asked through a full mouth, Raph snickering at the sight.
"Yep. Him and Leo had a playdate. Fought a bit, made a mess, ate half their body weight in cookies."
"Sounds like them," she hummed affectionately, smiling before she took another bite.
Her knowledge of the brothers' regression was a new development, but according to her, not an unwelcome one. Back when she first found out, she had talked to Raph about how it was fun interacting with the youngest three, even if she didn't do it often. A pang of what he assumed was jealously had run through him, filling him with guilt. He still hadn't gotten the chance to be small with her, and even though he was happy for his brothers and April, he wished for once that he could be the little sibling, that he could be the one being looked after.
He dismissed the thoughts, forcing a smile in April's direction. Quit it, Raph, he mentally scolded himself, there ain't time to feel bad for yourself.
The next hour or two passed fairly quickly, which Raph was very thankful for. April had stayed over for dinner, livening the room with her presence and providing a welcome break from Raph's exhausted thoughts. The dining room was filled with laughter, loud and carefree, as if things were fine again. He didn't realize how much he missed it until it happened, really.
Dinner came to an end quicker than he had hoped, most of the family hurrying off to the arcade to watch Donnie try and beat his high score at his favorite dance game, save for Raph and Leo. Technically it was Leo's turn to do the dishes, but Raph had stayed behind after his brother practically begged him to help, whining something about how his still-healing ribs were hurting again and making it hard to move. He wasn't sure if he believed it entirely, seeing as Leo seemed to be moving just fine a little bit ago, but he didn't question it. He was too tired to do that.
Raph stacked the dirty plates around the table, an easy, mindless task that left him spacing out. The exhaustion that he'd grown used to made it difficult to snap out of it, but right now, it didn't seem to be causing much harm, so he didn't really try.
He grabbed the stack of plates and shuffled towards the kitchen, eyes and mind equally unfocused. It wasn't a big deal; Raph knew the lair like the back of his hand, after all. He didn't need to focus just to get around. Besides, spacing out felt nice, a gentle reprieve from the world around him. Really, it was no big deal.
Then, he felt his foot catch on an uneven spot on the ground.
Crash.
Raph came tumbling down towards the ground, the stack of plates shattering against the concrete floor. His blood ran cold, eyes going wide with shock as he stared at the scene in front of him.
He heard footsteps as Leo came rushing in from the confines of the kitchen, but barely registered much beyond his worried tone. All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears and the frantic beating of his heart.
This was Raph's fault.
He screwed up.
He was supposed to be the one FIXING his family's problems, not CAUSING them.
Before he could even really register what he was doing, he stumbled to his feet and ran, a frantic dash made difficult by the sudden onslaught of tears blurring his vision, legs not stopping until he finally managed to reach the sanctuary of his bedroom, where he practically slammed the worn out subway car door behind him.
Why did he run?
He left his family!
Now, they'd have to clean up after his mistakes.
Just another one of Raph's many, many screw ups.
A pained whimper escaped his mouth and he screwed his eyes shut, willing himself to stay quiet even as he struggled to hold back his crying. They shouldn't have to hear him if he could help it. He had already messed up enough.
So, he stumbled to his bed, crawling up and burying his face among his many teddy bears. He wasn't sure what came over him, but suddenly, the tears were flowing even harder, his sniffles and soft sobs thankfully muffled by the plushies. Everything was overwhelming, his thoughts a little too loud, his body a little too achy, and he just... Broke.
He knew he was slipping, feeling very much like a child, but he didn't fight it, instead letting the familiar feeling take over. It was just about as close as he could get to an escape from his thoughts, and he'd take what he could get. As long as his family didn't see, he'd be fine.
Raph curled in on himself, feeling awfully small despite his large stature. The tears were already slowing down, but he kept his face buried in his stuffed animals, nuzzling the soft fabric while he attempted to get his uneven breathing under control. It was soothing, and sure enough, his crying slowed to a stop, exhaustion taking over. Raph mumbled an apology to his teddy bears when he realized they were damp with tears, scooping them up and squeezing them tight to his chest before putting all but one back down on the bed. He rubbed one soft ear between his fingers, something he'd always done to soothe and ground himself in times like this.
Oh, c'mon, stop acting like a baby. You need to go out there and apologize. Don't be stupid, Raph.
-- Aaand the mean thoughts were back again. Great. Raph scrunched up his beak and shook his head, trying his best to focus on the soft fur of his stuffies instead. Part of him was inclined to agree with the thoughts; he should've stayed to help clean up, he should be out there apologizing. And yet, here he was.
Oh well. Should'a, could'a, would'a. He was here now, and he had a sinking feeling that going out when he still felt small would only make things worse. They'd feel like they'd have to look after him, and he did not want to give them that extra burden, no matter how much he craved the care and attention he always gave to them. He'd just have to wait his regression out in his room. Alone. Very, very alone.
He whimpered and laid down on his side, still clutching the teddy bear. Being alone did not sound nice. Still, it was just how things were, he supposed, so he tried his best to ignore the anxiety gnawing away at his resolve. It was the only option he had, really. Being in bed wasn't too bad though; he truly was exhausted. He just wished the circumstances were better.
Just as he was about to shut his eyes, he heard the telltale sound of footsteps outside his room. In a moment of rather childish panic, he reached for one of the blankets on his bed, rolling onto his plastron and frantically covering himself completely-- or, at least, as much of himself as he could cover. His feet and part of his tail might've been sticking out, but it covered him well enough. What he thought covering himself would help with was unclear. A last ditch effort to avoid the inevitable face-to-face confrontation, maybe.
He swallowed hard when he heard the door scrape its way open, the light footsteps growing louder until they stopped beside his bed.
"Hey, big guy."
April. Raph felt a little bit of the tension melt away; out of everyone who could've stopped by, April was by far one of the better options. Nonetheless, he was more than a little hesitant to say anything back to her. She didn't sound annoyed or disappointed, but he didn't trust his own judgement. She'd barely said anything in the first place anyways. So, Raph simply sniffled from under his blanket shield, keeping his mouth shut.
His lack of response made her sigh, and he felt the end of his mattress dip as she sat down.
"I know you're not feeling good. Heard about what happened with the plates and all that."
Raph felt himself recoil at the mention, wrapping his blanket just a little bit tighter around where it covered his head and shoulders. She must've noticed, because she shifted closer, a hesitant hand coming to rest on the back of his shell.
Oh. That felt nice. He let out a shaky sigh and just barely leaned towards her touch.
"We-- None of us are mad at you, okay? It was just an accident," she said softly, her hand never moving from his shell. "Those plates were pretty old anyways. Couldn't hurt to get some new ones, y'know?"
Her tone was light, but it really didn't do anything to relieve his guilt. He shifted a little bit under his blanket, and April moved just a little bit closer to him.
"How about you come outta your hiding spot? C'mon, I wanna see my buddy's face," she said, nudging Raph gently. He couldn't see her expression, but her voice was kind. Despite the fact that he'd much rather stay covered, he tried his very best to not overthink it as he slowly peeled away the soft fabric from his face. Raph's eyes were met with a soft smile, and he worried that he'd start tearing up again. Her gaze was so gentle. The kind of look he'd give his little brothers when they did something particularly endearing. Nothing like what he was used to seeing directed towards him.
If he didn't already feel small before, he sure as hell did now.
"There we go, there's my Raph," April hummed, patting his shell again. Her voice was calming, helping to ease his nerves, which was very appreciated right about now.
Wait-- Raph knew that tone of voice. He'd heard it when he heard April talking to his brothers when they were small; something the younger three had affectionately dubbed the "big sis" voice. A fresh wave of guilt mixed with embarrassment hit him. Had she already managed to guess that he was regressed? Was she just trying to be nice? Was he just overthinking? He picked at the edge of the blanket, worrying his lip until April finally spoke again.
"You know, I was gonna wait to give this to you 'till later, but now seems like a better time."
Raph tilted his head, confused, until he saw April reach down to the floor again and pull up a paper bag. More specifically, the colorful one he had asked about earlier. She pushed it in his direction, and he froze.
"... For me?" his voice came out quiet, softer than he had intended.
April smiled as she watched him maneuver into a sitting position, placing the bag in his lap.
"Sure is. Go ahead, open it!" she encouraged, bumping his side with her shoulder. His expression shifted from confusion into childlike excitement, tension melting away when he started pulling out the colorful tissue paper, eyes going wide when he saw what they were hiding: a new teddy bear.
He gasped, rushing to free it from the confines of the paper bag, holding it out to get a better look. It had curly brown fur with brown eyes to match and a big embroidered nose, dressed with a little red bow. Raph broke into pure smiles, hugging it tight to his chest and rocking back and fourth.
"Thank 'ou!" Raph beamed, squeezing the plush even tighter. April chuckled.
"Of course! Seemed like you needed another buddy, y'know?"
Raph hummed and nodded, fidgeting with the fuzzy ears and continuing to rock back and fourth. He was still tired, but his anxiety was already melting away, quickly being replaced by a warm, fuzzy happiness. Much better, in his humble opinion.
"Hey, Raphie?" April spoke softly, interrupting his thoughts, "I-- You don't have to talk about anything you don't wanna talk about, but... I'm here if you need to, okay?"
Even just a mention of the reality outside his bedroom made his stomach flip, so he forced himself to focus on the teddy bear in his hands instead. He shrunk in on himself, glancing at her before nodding once. Raph watched her face turn into a slight frown, and he averted his eyes, a feeling of guilt returning. He just couldn't seem to do anything right.
He heard her start to talk, something about his newest stuffie, but he interrupted on impulse.
"'M sorry," he blurted out, regretting it barely a few moments later. April's face was overcome with... Concern, maybe? Disappointment? Frustration? It was hard for Raph to tell, but it certainly wasn't a happy look.
"Why are you saying sorry?" she asked softly, moving her hand to rest on his arm.
"Jus-- Don' wanna make ya take care of me if you don' wanna. Raph's s'posed t' be the big bro."
"Oh, buddy," April started, "don't say sorry for that. I wanna help. You're usually the big bro, sure, but lemme be the big sis for a bit, okay? You're too hard on yourself, Raphie."
Raph... didn't know how to respond. It was a little overwhelming, even if he didn't really know why. He took a shaky breath in, nodding and loosening his iron grip on the teddy bear. He watched as April smiled again, patting his arm reassuringly. Raph couldn't help but smile back, just a little bit.
"Now," she hummed, "I gotta know: what do you plan on naming this little dude?"
April pointed at the bear. Raph hadn't really given it much thought before, he realized, but it did need a name.
"I dunno. Didn't think 'bout it," he mumbled, lifting the bear up to look at it better. Not that it helped much; nothing really came to mind based on looks alone.
"Hmm... Well, that just won't do, huh?" April said. "We gotta think of a name!"
Raph nodded, a small smile creeping onto his face.
"Let's get brainstorming then! So, you've got plenty of other bears. Captain Cuddles, Doctor Hugginstein, and... Champ? Chubbs? And what about the others?"
"Cheech," he corrected, surprised that she even remembered any of their names. "Th' others don' really have names, I think. They change lots."
"That's fair. Well... How about Brownie? Or Boots?"
Raph contemplated both for a moment before shaking his head. Brownie was too obvious, and Boots didn't really make any sense. I mean, he didn't even have boots in the first place!
"Eh, it was worth a shot. What about Monty? They look kinda like a Monty to me," she said, poking the bear's soft belly repeatedly. Raph giggled at that, a rather refreshing sound.
"Mmmaybe," he dragged out, playing with the teddy bear's paws. Probably not his first choice, but it was better than the first two. April sat back and jutted out her lip in a silly display of mock-frustration, prompting even more giggles from Raph. She smiled at him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders to the best of her ability (even if she couldn't really reach that far).
"Someone's in a goofy mood, huh?" she teased, poking his arm with her free hand. He tried to hold back another snicker, but it broke through anyways.
"Well, back to the topic of names... Hairy Barry? Count Danceypants? Mr. Bozo?"
Raph broke into a fit of childish laughter, leaning into her side and almost dropping the bear onto his lap.
"What's so funny?" she grinned, shaking him around a little bit.
"Those names are silly," he managed to say between giggles.
"Well, you're silly!" April said with a laugh of her own, using her free hand to tickle him. He melted into pure smiles and laughter, weakly trying to escape her attack. She stopped after a moment, leaving Raph trying his best to catch his breath while still attempting to fight back his rampant giggles.
Everything felt so light. Lighter than he had felt in ages. For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel weighed down by the world, and for that he was thankful.
"Feelin' better, bud?" she asked, nudging him again.
Raph finally managed to tame his giggles, nodding with a wide smile. He felt so much better. It was nice to have company when he was small, even if he wasn't all that used to it.
"Glad to hear it," she began with a grin. "So, did you pick a name yet?"
Well... what did he want to name them?
"I think... Monty. Monty's good," he mumbled, a goofy smile on his face. Sure, it might not have been his favorite name in the world, but April picked it and that was good enough for him.
"That's an amazing choice, if I do say so myself," she stated, puffing up with pride. "Now, I think we should introduce them to the rest of your teddies. We gotta let 'em make some friends."
Raph mumbled his agreement, reaching towards the end of his bed and scooping all of his bears into his arms before sitting down again with his legs crossed. As he was arranging them around, he absentmindedly brought his hand to his mouth, chewing on the side of it.
"Ah, ah, ah, no--" April gently reprimanded, moving his hand away, "C'mon, that's a little gross. Where's your chewy?"
Raph whined, pouting slightly at having his hand moved away. Still, he forced himself up, rummaging through one of his shelves to find his chew necklace. It was specially designed by Donnie, after he had managed to bite through almost every other chewy he had. He quickly pulled it over his head, biting on the bright red pendant as he plopped back down on the bed.
An hour had passed much quicker than either of them had expected. Really, they hadn't even realized it until Mikey had stopped in to check on them, concerned over how long the pair had been holed up in his room. By the time that happened, though, Raph was already feeling infinitely better, the heavy weight in his chest long gone, so much so that he was willing to leave his room when Mikey suggested it (even if April did have to hold his hand on the walk out).
The rest of the night went smoothly, save for a quick, uncomfortable chat with his family about the events of earlier. Not ideal, but it ended soon enough, a bandaid in the form of one of Mikey's blanket forts helping to heal the discomfort.
From his spot amongst the pillows and blankets, he felt himself smile, rocking back and fourth. Raph was content. Being taken care of was nice, even if he wasn't used to it. Part of him hoped, however, that it would happen enough for him to become used to it. Either way, things were good; and there's nowhere he would've rather been than right there, sandwiched between his family, his big sister looking after him.