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“Pray that you’ll be born in your next life, and take a swan dive off of the building.”
Those words. Those dreadful, awful words. How could he say something so vile? So un-hero like? The words came with a taste of bile. He felt like throwing up. And he thought he just might when he saw the look on Deku’s face.
Deku’s face is terrified, but what scares him most is the looks of resignation. Katsuki despises that look. Why won’t the damn Deku fight back? How can he take all of this bullshit? He tells himself that it doesn’t matter what he just said. Deku has never listened to him before, so why would he now?
You make me want to scream at the top of my lungs
Anger grabs him by the shoulders and forces him to walk out of the door. He can’t look at him right now. Katsuki can never truly look at Izuku. Not without fear bubbling up in his chest.
He can see how easily it would be for Izuku to take his place. How he can be so much better than Katsuki, and he doesn’t even know it. He’s so stupid, and worthless, and useless-
He isn’t, and Katsuki knows this. But he refuses to admit it, so he’ll continue to push him to the ground until he’s too tired to get up again.
Fuck you anyway
So he walks. He walks out of the classroom, and then he walks out of the school. Katsuki takes his time, finding tranquility from the quiet. There’s no muttering, no pesky extras kissing his feet, nothing. He reaches for his phone to look at the time but realizes that he forgot it in the classroom.
“Fuck,” he breathes out. Katsuki lets his legs carry him back to the school at a fast pace. He’s about half of a mile away, but he’s fast, and it takes him only a few minutes to reach the school. Thanks to training, Katsuki isn’t even out of breath.
He only loses his breath when an itch at the back of his head tells him to look up. He does, and it makes him want to take back everything. Izuku is there, at the top of the roof.
And he looks beautiful.
Maybe that isn’t what the first thought should be when Katsuki sees Deku at the edge of the roof, but it is, and it’s true. Deku is beautiful standing there with the gentle breeze slicing through his hair and the sunset creating a silhouette of him.
The second thought is: Shit.
He runs like he’s never ran before, using his quirk to propel him up the stairs fast. He gets to the roof in record time and is relieved that Izuku is still there. His shoes are to the side with a little note tucked underneath them.
“What the hell are you thinking, you damn Deku?!?!” He screams.
The Nerd doesn’t even bother to turn around.
“What do you think, Kacchan? It’s obvious,” Izuku says. What shocks Katsuki the most is that his voice isn’t mean or frustrated, but normal. It’s his normal, friendly voice without a hint of anything else underneath it. It makes Katsuki feel like he’s already lost him.
“You can’t be serious. This has to be some kind of fucked-up joke.” Katsuki’s voice cracks, and it is so unlike him to be begging, but he’s willing to do anything at this moment..
“I’d like to think that you know me better than that, Kacchan.” Izuku finally turns to face him, and Katsuki wants to take back what he said about him being beautiful. Nothing about this is beautiful. It is ugly, and jagged, and tearing apart at the seams.
“And I’d like to think you know me better as well. You know I wasn’t serious. I don’t… Please don’t.”
Izuku smiles. Katsuki is afraid to move. To breathe. The Nerd is so close to the edge. A strong gust of wind could knock him over, and that would be it. That would be the end to this pitiful story.
“It hurts, but I won’t fight you,” Izuku whispers underneath the darkening sunset. He inches his foot a bit closer to the ledge. Katsuki’s heart stops.
“Do it! Fight me! Pummel me into the ground and break my face for all that I care. Just don’t kill yourself. Don’t stop dreaming. Don't give up, damnit!” He knows this is a contradiction between everything he’s ever said and done to Deku, but he finds that he’s not lying. A world with no Izuku is a world without light.
And the light is flickering.
Izuku turns away from him, and Katsuki takes this chance to take quiet steps towards him, but the next words stop him.
The mood shifts into something more sinister. A shadow looms over Izuku like a demon, whispering terrible things into his ear.
“You make me want to die.”
And then he jumps.
________
Katsuki wakes up gasping. His entire body is drenched, and tears are running down his cheeks endlessly. The dream replays in his head over, and over, and over again. He can’t stop it. Katsuki wants to get up, but he’s frozen in place. Fear taking hold of his limbs and paralyzing them.
“Kaaccchhaaan?” The name comes out as a yawn, and Katsuki turns his head to the other side of the bed to see Izuku there. His hair is messier than usual, and he’s struggling to keep his eyes open. The sight of Izuku next to him nearly breaks Katsuki.
“Izuku,” He sobs. He’s so happy that Izuku is here, inches apart. He wraps the smaller boy in his arms and hugs him tightly. Izuku is alive. He’s training to be a hero by Katsuki’s side. They love each other.
He never jumped.
Relief floods through him as fast as the tears fall. He kisses Izuku’s forehead, trying to get as much skin to skin contact as possible. He needs the knowledge that Izuku isn’t just a figment of his imagination, but instead very much real.
“Woah, Kacchan. What happened?” His voice is full with concern. Katsuki realizes how lucky he truly is. Izuku is here with him. Izuku chose him; even after all of the messed up shit he did to him. Izuku somehow still loves him.
“Please don’t leave me,” Katsuki whispers into Izuku’s hair. He begs to gods he doesn’t believe in to keep Izuku by his side. In life, and in death. And if there is such a thing as reincarnation then all he wants is to be able to meet Izuku again. For all of eternity.
“Kacchan, look at me,” Izuku asks, but Katsuki can’t. He’s still too afraid. Izuku gently wiggles out of Katsuki’s tight hold -much to his dismay- and cups one of his scarred hands to his cheek. It’s dark in his dorm room, but Katsuki can still see the outline of Deku’s soft smile. His hand on his cheek radiates warmth and comfort. It relaxes him enough to where he starts to breathe normally. He hadn’t even realized he was hyperventilating until that point.
“I will never leave you, okay? I’ll gladly follow you to the end of the world if it means that I get to stay by your side.” The sentence alone makes Katsuki want to release a new wave of tears. Izuku is the only person that he’ll show this part of him. He’s the only one that would understand where he’s coming from, and he’s the only one that has ever truly listened to him. Izuku has also said on multiple occasions that he feels the same way.
They are both half of a whole, and together they make something beautiful: hope.
“Even after everything I did?” They’ve talked about this before. Katsuki’s afraid that Izuku might someday change his mind and decide that he hates him, but that day will never come. He’s been told that hundreds of times, but Katsuki still needs reassurances. Especially at a night like this.
Izuku never gets irritated when he asks this. Instead, he runs his fingers through Katsuki’s spiky hair and kisses him softly but deeply, as if he’s trying to pour every ounce of love he feels into that one kiss.
Izuku repeats his words after the kiss, “I will never leave you,” and then, he says, “I will never stop loving you. Even if I tried.”
Katsuki gathers him back up into a tight hug. He trusts Izuku. He knows that Izuku will always be by his side. The nightmares still haunt him, and they will for quite some time.
But he’ll always wake up to Izuku by his side. And Katsuki will say,
“I love you.”