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“Come on I meowna see you!”
Hesitantly, Equius stepped into the living room, his head hanging low, and his eyes fixated on the ground.
“I feel ridiculous.”
He tried to ignore the blue tint rising in his cheeks. This was utterly embarrassing.
He had invited Nepeta over to his hive, and she had demanded to play dress up with him. At first, he had obviously said that he would never indulge in such childish activities, but she kept insisting. So, for the sake of his morails happiness, he gave in.
Nepeta giggled slightly
“Purrhaps it would look better if you weren’t so strong.” She jumped up from the couch and stood next to Equius, turning him to face the full-sized mirror.
Her hands began tugging at the light blue fabric of the dress. It was several sizes too small, with Equius muscles threatening to tear the fabric apart if he didn’t stand completely still. With Nepeta being so much shorter the normally knee length dress barely reached down to cover his crotch, so he had decided to keep his grey shorts on.
He hated the way he looked. Not pretty or elegant at all. He just looked like a guy in an ill-fitting dress.
“Oh wait! I almost forgot the most impurrtant part.” Nepeta exclaimed, excitedly rushing over to her bag, and pulling out a fuzzy headband. She pulled it on Equius’ head, getting on her tiptoes to reach up properly.
The artificial Meowbeast ears made Equius feel even more laughable, like this was just some silly costume, which, he had to remind himself, it was. A dress up game they were both too old for.
“Now come on,” Nepeta grabbed Equius hand and began dragging him across the room, to the table set with luxurious porcelain dishware and various appetizers. “it’s teatime!”
Equius was standing against the walls of Gamzee's hive. The Highblood had invited his friends for a celebration, upon being asked what exactly they were celebrating he had answered “Just the miracle of life motherfuckers” apparently not thinking any further explanation was required.
At first Equius thought to decline the invitation, since he had been in no mood to be around other trolls lately, but who was he to refuse a Highblood. Nonetheless, he was content with just hiding in the background, his arms crossed, quietly observing the different energies and dynamics emanating from the group. Everyone seemed so caught up in whatever game, conversation, or argument they were having that they seemed oblivious to whatever was happening around them.
The oh so superior Highblood was sitting sprawled out on his couch staring at the ceiling, the low blooded bull next to him, shyly gripping his cup with both hands, fidgeting nervously. Equius let out a quiet huff. The lowbloods were altogether too informal with their betters.
Gamzee removed his legs from Tavros' lab, where they had formerly rested and made his way to the corner of the huge main room, where Faygo bottles were piled up. Equius' eyes glided back to the lowblood, noticing his slender body, and small frame. Even back when he was able to stand upright, he was still among the shortest trolls in the group, the only one smaller than him being Aradia. Despite gaining some slight muscle in his arms from wheeling himself around, his shoulders were still narrow, his body looked soft.
Delicate.
He was sure the dress would have looked better on him.
Within an instant Equius began shaking his head, as if to try to let the thoughts fall out of his skull. How utterly irrational of him. Do regard a lowblood with a feeling so far away from disdain.
Was it- admiration?
No, there was nothing about lowbloods to admire. Well. Except for their slim bodies. There, Equius found, was a certain beauty in weakness. A certain grace that Highbloods, with their strength and muscle mass simply couldn’t replicate.
But that was just how Highbloods were built, he thought. His strength and size were indicative of his status. Of his superiority above others. And Equius had to honor such a gift. He would carry it with pride.
Equius looked over to the big dining table, or what he supposed had once been intended as a dining table, now being used as both a blackboard and game table, where Vriska and Eridan sat with Feferi, desperately trying to settle another dispute between the two.
Vriska was only one caste below him, both of them being blue bloods, and yet, she didn’t carry the same level of bulk he did. She was powerful, obvious through her wide shoulders and robust frame. But her built was nowhere near Equius.
He let his view glide over to Feferi, she was the highest blood of them all, a Fuchsia. Alternian Royalty. And yet her body didn’t carry any of that.
Her features were soft, atheltic yes, but not bulky, not... masculine.
Equius looked down at himself. At his bicep muscles, his broad shoulders, that made it hard for him to wear anything with sleeves from fear of ripping the seams. The way his strength was carried all the way to his fingers, even his hands looked powerful enough to crush walls.
He looked to Gamzee, who was making his way back to the couch, holding two bottles of faygo in his skinny arms. He was the tallest of the group, towering above Equius when he straightened his posture, which he seldom did. But he was thin, the clothes hanging loosely around his boney frame. Despite his blood and height, there was no sign of muscle on his body.
Maybe it was just him after all. Equius thought.
Equius sat at his desk, trying his best to focus on his current project. He kept accidentally bending the screws in his fingers every time he got distracted. After the broken, unusable screws started piling up he decided to give up for the day. He let out a deep sigh, pushing his chair back.
He made his way towards the walk-in closet connected to his bedroom and grabbed one of the fresh towels he always kept at hand.
Equius began unfolding one of the towels and wrapped it around his waist.
Awkwardly, he shifted himself towards the mirror, considering his reflection.
His broad shoulders and strong arms still filling out his form, denying him any femininity that the skirt might have offered. But regarding himself from the side, he gained a new appreciation for his pectorals.
Then he snapped out if whatever motivated him to do this in the first place. What was he thinking? Was he trying to see if he would look good in a skirt?
Of course he didn’t.
Of course he wouldn’t.
He ripped the towel from his waist and threw it on the floor.
Equius heart pounded in his chest as he stood before the main door. The clunky mascara was making his eyes itch as he tried his hardest to resist rubbing his eyes, knowing it would only smear all over his face and make the stinging worse. He had asked his morail nepeta to give him a slight makeover, which he now deeply regretted.
The bright colors made him look childish, and tacky. He was hoping his shades would be able to hide the majority of the assault of colors and glitter nepeta had plastered on his face, as he did not want to look badly in front of the Highblood. Equius was halfway considering running back home to wash his face off this ridiculous idea he had, but as he began seriously considering the time it would take for him to get there the door in front of him had already opened.
“Motherfucker nice to have you here again!” Gamzee loudly exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Equius in an overly familiar manner unbefitting for someone of his social standing.
“I was all up and wondering when you’d get your presence on”
“My apologies for being late, I had gotten held up by my morail.”
“S’all chilll bro, come the fuck in.” Gamzee stepped to the side, making room for Equius to pass through the doorway, and they both made their way through Gamzee's hive, Equius letting the Purpleblood guide their way.
“Say, what’s up with all that on your motherfucking face?”
Oh. He knew the makeup was flashy but... Equius was hoping it might not be that noticeable. At least not to the point where it would be the first thing the Highblood mentioned about him.
“Nepeta- She tired- I had requested for some light improvements and this is what she decided to do...”
This made Gamzee halt in the middle of the hallway leading to his bedroom, as he turned to Equius, who was standing behind him, and with a completely blank expression, one Equius didn’t even think was possible from the otherwise over-expressive Highblood, muttered the words
“Motherfucker she did you dirty.”
“I do believe she had the best of intentions but- it is not necessarily what I had-”
Equius was silenced when his hand was grabbed, Gamzee dragging him down the hallway.
“Come on bro, let a motherfucker fix you right up.”
“I do not believe that clown faceprint would be a better substitute. No offense.”
“Hush and get your pretty self all up and seated right there.” Gamzee pointed towards a corner in his bedroom, where a full-length mirror was hung. Equius obeyed the orders and sat down where the Highblood had told him to. Gamzee was standing in front of a dresser, grabbing different boxes and makeup-bags before making his way to Equius, only dropping a few items on his way.
Gamzees hands shot towards Equius, but stopped short of touching his skin, when they carefully moved to hover above his shades.
“Can I?” The question made Equius pause for a moment. He hadn’t expected Gamzee to ask for permission, especially not in such a clear manner.
“Yes of course Highblood, I am completely at your disposal.”
Gamzee gently lifted the shades from Equius’ face, and placed them on the floor next to him.
The two of them shared a moment of staring into eachohters eyes, the indigo feeling very exposed without the shades protecting his eyes. He watched as Gamzee grabbed a few cotton pads and poured some liquid onto them, before wiping them over Equius’ skin.
“Now what was my bro all up to asking Nepesis to paint you all up.”
“I am not sure to be honest.”
Gamzee just kept working on getting a clean canvas while Equius answered with some hesitation.
“I think I simply wanted to see if it could make me look...nicer.”
“A motherfucker thinks he doesn’t look nice enough?”
“It’s - difficult to explain I guess I – Highblood I really don’t think that subjugator face paint is-” Gamzee began digging in one of the bags, which worried Equius.”
“Just put some motherfucking faith in me, let me work my miracles.”
Equius thought it would be best to just let him do what he wanted.
“Close your eyes.”
“Yes Highblood.”
Gamzees face disappeared and was replaced with darkness as Equius did as instructed.
“So do you motherfucking mean all nicer looking?”
“I... I guess I just meant, more feminine.” His voice was barely a whisper, as he was hoping no one would hear the words leaving his mouth right now. Right before switching back to his usual loud manner of speaking.
“I don’t even know why I would want that. I mean, it is utterly childish, and unrealistic, and pointless. I am a strong masculine indigo. My role is to one day be part of the archeradicators and-”
Equius flinched when he felt the soft bristles of a brush touch his eyelid, the unfamiliar sensation causing him to lean back. He felt boney fingers grab his chin, holding him in place. He felt tempted to open his eyes, but did not want to disobey Gamzee's orders
“It’s just a brush bro, it ain’t gon' hurt you.”
Equius signed, feeling the soft hairs of the brush on his skin.
“I feel silly, expressing a desire for something that goes against the very nature of my blood caste.”
“Being girly goes against blue bloods?”
“Denying our strength, disobeying our betters, and disregarding the clear rules of our society. That goes against the noble blood flowing through my veins. If I were to question my role as a strong blue-blooded male, I fear I might have to question our societal structure as a whole. And that would be unthinkable for me, inexcusable.”
Gamzee let go of his chin, and Equius heard the noise of him digging in another one of the bags for something. He felt some greasy substance pressed on his face.
“I- I was gifted with this strength. With a body that is big and imposing and- I was determined to use it to serve my betters. If I were to deny them that, I am not sure I could forgive myself.”
“Motherfucking done.” Gamzee said, putting the brush down next to the open boxes and palettes and tubes scattered around the floor. Equius opened his eyes and caught a quick glimpse of the mess surrounding them. He turned to face the mirror next to him, but before he could look at himself Gamzee threw his hands in front of his face, covering his eyes.
“Not yet Equiubro. I wanna try something. So, keep those peepers shut.”
Gamzee scattered to stand up and ran around the room, opening closet doors and drawers before handing some fabric to Equius.
“Here put these on! They are gonna be all too tight for you but it’s all chill.”
Equius grabbed the clothes, trying his best to put them on despite still keeping his eyes closed. He struggled to get everything onto his body properly, but when he did Gamzee grabbed his arm, pulling him up and turning him around.
“Alright motherfucker now open those sight orbs of yours and have a look at my miracle work.”
Equius was ready to see himself with Clown face paint, He was ready to stare into a parody of a troll. He was ready for the Highblood to laugh that honking laugh of his, taking joy in the ridiculousness of his look. He was ready to have his cheeks heat up in shame and be able to once and for all tell himself that this was just a joke. A pathetic joke. And nothing more.
What he wasn’t ready for, was this.
In the reflecting mirror, a troll stared back at him. He was about the same height as him, had the same long thin hair, and the same broken off horn. His face was beautiful. His facial features were contoured with light and dark shades of grey, a slight tint of blue gloss over his lips. His eyes were painted in a subtle manner, the colors barely extending over his eyelids. Dark indigo in the inner corners of his eyes blending into a beautiful silver on his outer lid. A black eyeliner dragged from one corner of his eye, to the other, where it ended in a slight wing, matching the color of his hair. He looked... elegant.
His eyes wandered over the rest of his body. At the clothes the Highblood had given him, and the way they made his body look.
He had kept his tank top on, still showing his sing in vibrant Indigo. His arms were covered in a light jacket, covering his muscles. On the bottom he was wearing a black skirt, with purple tinted lace on the seams, that reached all the way to his knees. He looked so graceful, albeit a bit mismatched.
“So... what do you think?” Gamzee asked, his arms snaking over Equius’ shoulders.
He breathed in.
“Millions of trolls would kill to receive the gift that I have, to have the luxury, the privilege, of being able to live the live I should, and yet I willingly throw it away, I feel obligated to remain in this role, simply because it fits me so well.”
“Bro, if you don’t all want it in ain’t motherfucking fitting you”
“I have a clear role, clear expectations set up on me. I have this gift of my body, and if I were to deny it. If I were to go against everything my blood, and our society stands for.”
Equius signed, looking himself up and down.
“It just feels, inappropriate.”
“You are the most bitchtits strongerst motherfucker I know, and if you want to be all wearing skirts and putting pretty makeup on your face that ain’t gon change anything.”
“I fear- “ Began Equius, “I fear it might not just be the clothing.”
He couldn't stand to look at Gamzee, his cheeks turning blue despite the foundation Gamzee had put on him before.
“That’s motherfucking alright too, What’s important is that you all up and feel motherfucking chill with yourself. Gotta be all sorts of comfortable in your skin.”
They were both silent for a moment, before Equius spoke up.
“I - I think it looks nice. I look nice. to answer your question from before.”
“I’m real motherfucking happy to hear that. And you ain’t gotta have it all figured out right now, you got all the time in the world.”
“Thank you Highblood, for everything.”
“Don't even get your worry on about it. Now, want me to show you how to get your eyes all motherfucking pretty looking like that?”
Equius looked back in the mirror, where the reflection of a troll stared back at him. With the same long thin hair, and the same broken horn. And when Equius smiled, she smiled back at him, with the same mangled teeth.
“I would like that very much.”
“Yo Etaine help a motherfucker move this table will ya.”
“Certainly.”
An entire year had passed since the conversation with Gamzee. It had taken her some time, of thinking and self-reflection, to truly accept who she was, and even more time to accept that that might not overlap with the role she believed was expected of her.
Nepeta had been the first person to be informed of her new name. Etaine was sitting in her hive, sweaty hands wringing nervously in her lab, scared of what her morails response might be. All that tension had disappeared and replaced with relief when Nepeta leaped forward, wrapping her arms around Etaine’s neck, and exclaimed in a celebratory manner. She then immediately proceeded to update all the drawings on her shipping wall.
Gamzee and Nepeta had been present when Etaine came out to the rest of the group, making it very clear that they wouldn't tolerate any negative comments towards their friend. Etaine herself was thankful that all of their friends were nothing but supportive of her Transition. Kanaya had even offered to sew her some new clothes, that would actually fit her properly, and display some sense of elegancy, unlike the clothes Nepeta and Gamzee had lent her so far.
They were once again at Gamzees hive for another celebration, when someone had the idea to play some silly earth game that required a lot of open space. She made her way over to the large table, standing opposite to Gamzee, grabbing the heavy furniture and lifting it, so the both of them could carry it to the side.
Most of the other players settled down in the now free space on the floor.
Etaine herself sat down on the couch, quietly observing the others, when Gamzee sneaked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, placing a kiss on her cheek.
“You doing alright Etaisis?”
Etaine chuckled at the silly nickname Gamzee gave all of his friends. Admittedly it worked better with some names than with others. Still, she appreciated the efforts.
She turned her head to face the Purpleblood, placing a light kiss to his lips, hoping her indigo lipstick didn’t smear with his facepaint.
“Yes, I am doing good, Gamzee.”
She turned back to watch the others, and then, in a queter voice, so that only the two of them could hear it, she spoke; “Thank you.”