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Sadi and Derya. Together. Smiling. Right in front of her.
Just like in the picture Songül had found back at the hospital. Only thing missing was his arm around her waist, and the picture would be perfect. Two lovers on a date.
Songül almost snorted at the scene playing in front of her. She had been fooled. Her, the police officer. Worse, she had been lied to and betrayed. And it hurt so much she felt her legs wouldn't support her to do what she had to do: confront them.
Derya's betrayal hurt for sure, but it was nothing compared to his lies.
Sadi. He seemed so happy and relaxed in Derya's presence that Songül's bitterness just like that increased. Him seeing so casual with his lover, right in front of her, plainly disgusted her. It made her sick.
To think she had let that man kiss her lips, not once but twice. Just yesterday, he had the nerve telling her he loved her. He had told her…A knot formed in her throat while tears threatened to spill out again, and Söngül had to stand still, just for a minute. She couldn't cry right now, not when she had come to reclaim what he had taken away from her: her heart.
She walked to them, her chin proudly up despite her heart so down and as she reached the table she had ordered, they both offered her a friendly smile that disgusted her.
"You looked beautiful," Sadi said and while her heart might have skipped a beat or two, her face remained totally composed.
Don’t forget, Songül. He doesn’t mean any of that. He is a liar. He is a cheater. And his accomplice seats right across from him.
Songül didn’t even manage a thank you, nor a compliment about his appearance. Instead, she pulled out the chair in front of her, took a seat and darted glances between her two guests.
"Are you alright Songül?"
A fake smile plastered on her face, Songül merely nodded in Derya's direction before serving herself with some wine they had already ordered before she had arrived.
"I'm fine. What were you talking about before I arrived?" She asked after gulping down the entire glass in one swallow.
"My brother. Your husband was telling me Mert was making some progress at school."
Husband. Songül pondered the word. It all had been fake, despite what Sadi had tried to make her believe for a few seconds when he had kissed her that night. At the memory of the kiss - kisses - they had exchanged, Songül poured herself another glass.
"Good," she replied, her eyes fixated on the bottle.
One bottle wouldn't be enough, she realized. She needed another one, if not two, depending how long she could endure that diner. Given how loudly her heartbeat was pounding against her ears, Songül guessed she wouldn’t stay here very long. The numbness in her heart wasn’t helping either.
"You're sure you're okay?" Sadi
Sadi's hand went to her forehead, as if checking whether she was feverish or not.
On an impulse, Songül pushed his hand away abruptly. She saw a flicker of hurt in his eyes, but she didn’t linger on it. He didn’t deserve to feel hurt. He had brought it to himself. Her patience already ran out, she replied dryly, "You're right, Sadi Payaslı. I am not"
He gave her a puzzled look, and it was the last straw. She couldn't fake her obvious annoyance anymore. She snatched her bag, opened it to retrieve that damned photograph before throwing it on the table.
There was silence at first and it reminded of the awful silence in her heart when she had found that thing in Derya's office. Good. Songül closed her eyes, enjoying the icy atmosphere. She didn't need to take a look at any of them: she could picture the shock on their faces in her mind and it was enough for her.
"Where did you find this?" Sadi asked.
Songül flashed her eyes open. His words - or maybe it was the calmness in his voice - unleashed something in her. She was suddenly fuming. No, she was boiling with rage.
"Who cares, Sadi?!"
His eyes were locked into hers, like she was an enigma he was trying to solve and Songül repressed an unexpected shiver threatening to run through her. Songül shook her head, cursing herself. He should not have that effect on her. She would forbid it, despite the cry of agony her body was sending.
"I can explain…" Derya started, but Songül didn’t give her a chance to finish that sentence.
No more lies. Songül couldn't bear more lies. Her husband and her friend had fed her already with too many.
"Derya, I didn't come here to get an explanation. It's pretty obvious what is happening here. You lied to me. Both of you." She stood up, her bag in one hand. "I will never forget you" she said to both of them, but her eyes were only staring at Sadi. A tear fell on her cheek and she wiped it off quickly. "See that Sadi Payaslı?" She smiled, albeit a twisted, sad one. "That's the last smile you'll see on my face."
***
"What are you doing here?" she said, her eyes still staring at the target.
She had gotten up early this morning, making sure to not make a sound so he wouldn't hear her. She hadn’t slept a lot in the past days but last night had been the worst - she hadn’t been able to close one eye and eventually, her legs had dragged her here to train her firing techniques.
"You cried."
A statement, not a question, from a voice she recognized right away. His voice. Facing him had not been on an agenda for the day - or for the remainder of her week - and Songül regretted she didn’t put the hearing protection on her ears to train earlier. Her finger pulled out the trigger and she fired, not bothering to take a look at him. She winced when she saw she had missed the target by large.
He was still standing next to her, and she knew he wouldn’t leave until she gave him an answer. Sighing, she obliged him, her eyes still staring ahead rather than looking at him."I don't know what you're talking about."
"I heard you. You don’t have to pretend."
Of course he had heard her. Man was mafia. But if he had lied right to her face all this time, so could she. Two can play this game, Sadi Payaslı.
Songül fired again and it was an even worse shot, causing her to sigh.
"You're usually better."
His unsolicited comment made her roll her eyes. "And before last week, I thought you were the most honest guy in the world. People can be full of surprises, Sadi." she replied bitterly while aiming at the target for another try.
He didn’t comment, but from the corner of her eyes, she saw him wince. It was not obvious - his face usually never gave away anything, but she could tell he was upset. She should feel happy about it: after what he had done to her, he clearly deserved it and yet…
"We need to talk."
His voice was determined and Songül had the sensation he wouldn’t bulge until she had actually faced him. Too bad for him, she wasn’t in the mood for facing anyone, less the man who had shattered her heart.
"We talked enough last night,” she merely replied before firing again.
He moved quickly, placing himself behind her and their bodies brushed. Songül was about to argue, but he placed his hands on her hers, adjusting her aim for her next shot.
Not moving, as if it was the most natural position for two people who had parted their ways, he went on, in a low voice, "Yesterday night was not a conversation. You did all the talking. You didn’t give me the time to explain."
She huffed in annoyance, while unsolicited warmth spread in her body because of their closeness. "You are awfully confident to come here to talk to me when I have a gun in my hand."
"You won't use it."
She dropped the gun and he stepped back. Then, she turned and dared to take a look at him. The expression of pain on his face caught her off guard. She pretended to not see it, and instead, she ventured to ask, not without some irony in her voice, "What? You think I don't have it in me?"
He shook his head.
"That's not what I said. You just won't use it against me."
Songül rolled her eyes, grabbed her gun and fired at the target one more time.
"When did you find out?"
She replied with indifference, aiming for her last try. "When I went to see Derya a few days ago."
"That explains why you said to me you didn’t love me back."
Songül flinched and with that movement, she missed again.
"Damn it," she cursed it loudly, to the point the rest of the room had turned their faces to look at her. "Sorry," she mumbled. “Can you leave? Please. Just leave.”
She didn’t bother waiting for his reply. There were tears at the corner of her eyes and she had vowed to not cry in front of him. She had humiliated herself enough like that. Swiftly, she turned away from him, her eyes back on the target. This time, she covered her ears with the noise-canceling headphones. And despite that, she still heard his farewell message.
"I have classes this morning but let me be very clear: we're not done, Songül Payaslı."
***
It was the middle of the night, and Songül couldn't find a way to go back to sleep. Her clock indicated 2:00 AM. It had been a week since she had walked out from the restaurant, leaving Derya, Sadi and their lies. But the wound was still as fresh as ever.
Songül had changed her daily routine to spend less time at home. She had accepted more workload at the office. She had increased her training sessions. And yet, despite all of this, she sometimes had to breathe the same air as her husband. Fake husband.
There was no way she would fall back to sleep again. Instead, she left the comfort of her bed, walked to the kitchen and poured herself water in a glass. On her way back to her room, Songül noticed light was coming from Sadi’s room.
She didn’t know how long she stayed watching that door, but the next time she blinked, Sadi was standing in front of her.
"Were you looking for something?' he asked, quite concerned.
She shook her head in silence, her eyes drawn to his lips for a brief second before looking up at him. He had gotten closer, she realized.
"Were you looking for…me?"
Her eyes widened at his suggestion and she replied, panic rising in her voice, "No."
He merely nodded, his eyes locked into hers. Then, out of nowhere, he put a strand of her hair back in place and while she would usually shriek away from his touch, she didn’t bother tonight. Instead, she leaned forward, eyes closed, welcoming his warmth.
"It looks exhausting."
Songül opened her eyes and she regretted turning the light on when she had fetched water earlier. In plain light, she could see the intensity of his gaze lingering on her and in return, Sadi could probably see how close she was from crying in front of him.
"What?" she whispered.
"Fighting against your feelings."
Songül stepped away from him right away, his words acting like a reality check. The man had betrayed her. She shouldn’t forgive him.
"And whose fault is that?" she dared to ask, eyes now half close as she reached for her doorknob.
Exhaustion hit her, causing her to stumble and he caught her. "If only you could let me explain…You got it wrong. But it’s late and you’re too tired to hear what I have to tell you."
Songül opened her mouth but nothing came out. Sadi was right. She indeed was exhausted, and when he opened her door for her, she rushed to her bed.
“We’ll talk when you want to talk,” she heard him say while she was already dozing off. He turned off of the lights. “But one day you’ll smile again, Songül Payaslı.”
***
Songül was staring at that painting, and she didn’t know why. It wasn’t the first time she had sneaked in that room to take a look at it, and so far, Sadi hadn’t caught her. She had come here, after work, to think. About her parents. About Sadi. About that painting.
Why did he give her that painting in the first place? Was it even meant for her in the first place, or was it part of some scheme on his part to make her fall in love with him ? It was still a mystery to her.
She heard the front door open and she checked her phone. Sadi had probably finished his workday. Usually, she was quick enough to go back to her room in time. But not today and when her head turned to the door, she found him already on the threshold of the room. Songül sighed.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking for answers.”
“Maybe I can help,” he offered.
Songül jumped from her chair to face him.
“Maybe, Sadi.” She paused. “Maybe I should go back to calling you Emin.”
He stilled, hurt flashing his face like she had slapped him.
“Don’t call me like that.”
Songül shrugged, impassible although she knew she was hurting him and the thought made her livid. She crossed her arms against her chest, as she asked further, “Why? That’s your name, after all.”
He gritted his teeth, and she knew he was on the verge of losing his control.
“I don’t want you to call me that.”
“Why?” She brushed her body against his. “What does Derya have that I don’t have?”
“Nothing, Songül. It’s a misunderstanding.”
“It’s a misunderstanding” she repeated to herself, before asking louder, “Tell me, Sadi. How does Derya call you? Sadi or Emin?”
He sighed as he ran a hand through his head. “Songül, I get that you’re mad at me but you’re being unfair. Do you really think I would buy that painting for someone I would cheat on?”
Songül glanced over her shoulder, before looking back at Sadi. “I don’t know what to believe. See, the Sadi I knew would never lie to me. Maybe…Maybe the painting was meant for her.”
“Don’t,” he warned her, his eyes darker than ever.
“Maybe she had plenty of paintings from you already. Maybe-”
“Oh come on, I am in love with you, Songül!” he shouted, completely losing all self control he had possessed so far. Songül’s eyes slid away from him because if she looked at him, tears would start to fall. But he went on, a finger jabbing her chest. "I may be a liar, but so are you."
His accusation made her snap. Just like him, she raised her voice as she counter-attacked, "I beg your pardon?!"
His hand was still on her chest, right above her heart. "You lied to me. When I told you how I felt, you said it was one sided."
She shook her head. Tears were definitely falling now, and she didn’t try to wipe them away. Let him see the state he had reduced her to.
"You're delusional. It was just for the job."
"I am not. We both know I’m not.” He dropped his hand, sighing. “I’m starting to think you’re scared. You’re scared that after hearing my side of the story, your heart will forgive me.” He brushed away her tears with a finger, while her eyes avoided his gaze. “I don’t like seeing you cry. I prefer when you smile.”
Songül shrugged, her voice quivering as she told him, “Well, too bad I no longer smile, Sadi Payaslı.”
***
“There is a teachers-parents meeting tonight. The kids have organized a little party afterward. Do you want to come?”
Songül had replied in the negative, hence why she was alone at home. If she was honest with herself, she felt a bit remorseful for not going. She liked those kids. They didn’t do her any harm. Besides, she also regretted her hurtful words of last night. Calling Emin had been a very bad move, something she shouldn’t have done. She obviously had caused Sadi pain and the man was still trying to fix things by inviting her to do something together.
She checked her phone. The meeting had probably not started yet. Maybe…Songül got up, took a look at herself in the mirror. She needed to change, and quickly, if she wanted to be on time. There was a black dress in her wardrobe. That would do the work. Twenty minutes later, she was leaving her apartment and was on her way to the school. Hopefully, no one would ask the reason behind her delay.
Quickly, she climbed the stairs while trying not to fall with her heels, only to find Derya in the main corridor. Songül rolled her eyes. Of course, she would be here.
“Songül, please wait.”
“I really don’t have time for this, Derya,” Songül replied while marching toward the classroom. But Derya trailed behind her, and Songül had no choice but to face her. Her arms crossed against her chest, Songül gestured to Derya to start talking before she regretted it.
“Look, he didn’t cheat on you. We did have a relationship, but it was a long time ago and yes, we should have told you. But it’s ancient history. You need to trust him, just like he trusts you.”
Ancient History. Past tense. Songül blinked. It had to be a mistake, right? Songül had been the one introducing them to each other…Unless, Derya dated Emin. Derya clasped her hands with Songül’s. “He really loves you. He told me as much before you arrived at the restaurant.”
Songül nodded, still processing what she had just learned. He hadn’t cheated on her. Despite hiding the fact he knew Derya from his past, Sadi had been genuine with her. Her shoulders sagged in relief, but she didn’t manage to reply anything as someone called out her name. Songûl’s head turned. Sadi was standing on the threshold of the classroom, welcoming some parents.
He sounded surprised to see her, but not in a bad way given a smile illuminated his face. She joined him, forgetting the existence of Derya behind her.
“Thank you for coming,” Sadi whispered to her ear, a hand on her back to show her her seat.
She grabbed his hand, and almost sighed in relief. God, she had missed this. Her heart fluttered a bit, but she schooled her features. He couldn’t be forgiven so easily.
“I’m here for the kids,” she replied, the lie so obvious that he probably detected it.
He didn’t comment on her words. Instead, he pulled out the chair usually reserved for the teacher and motioned her to sit down. When she did, he lowered his head toward hers. “You’re comfortable? By the way, you look…Well, you look beautiful.”
She shivered at the compliment.
“You’re cold?”
Songül shook her head, completely lost in his eyes.
“Well, I don’t see a coat with you. You’ll take mine.”
Songül nodded and she bit her lips to repress a grin. He hadn’t stopped being caring, and she knew it wasn’t the fake marriage situation that was making him act this way. He was genuine. Because the man hadn’t cheated on her.
Songül looked over her husband’s shoulder. She cleared her throat. “Sadi, I think some parents are waiting outside.”
Sadi slowly straightened his back, never leaving his gaze on her until he had to walk to the other side of the room. As for Songül, she studied the room. Some kids were familiar, but there were new faces, including that one student sitting in the first row who was smiling at her.
“Mrs. Payaslı, your husband talked about you so often,” he told her.
Songül arched an eyebrow, doubtful about the kid’s statement. “Really? And what does he say?”
“He told us you have the most beautiful smile. He’s kinda right.”
Songül blinked. Was she smiling? She couldn’t tell. Maybe the kid was hallucinating. She brought a hand to cheek, and indeed, she felt her lips curled upward. She took a glance in Sadi’s direction. Her astonishment doubled when she noticed had been looking at her and she wondered if he had eavesdropped on her discussion with his student.
“Indeed, she does.”
***
It had been a fun night. No, it had been a great night. After the meeting, the kids had prepared the best meal Songül had eaten in a week. She had sat next to Sadi, and she had a hard time taking her eyes off him. He had looked after her tonight and even touched her hair a few times.
It made sense to Songül that she needed to make the next move. Still in her black dress, Songül left her room. Sadi’s was closed, but she could see light coming out, so she guessed he still hadn’t gone to bed. Good, because what she had to say couldn’t wait.
Her heart was pounding against her chest like crazy, to the point she didn’t hear the sound of her knocking his door. Songül was terribly nervous, and her anxiety doubled when he opened the door.
“Do you need something?”
Songül nodded timidly.
“Come in.”
She entered his room, and while he was closing the door and not looking at her, she seized the opportunity to tell her reason for coming here that late in the night.
“I want to talk,” she blurted out. “But on my terms.”
He leaned against the closed door, arms crossed against his chest.
“I’m listening.”
Songül swallowed hard. His gaze now on her made it difficult for her to talk without stammering. She shut her eyes for her next sentence.“We’re going to play truth or dare. You do remember the rules, right?”
She opened her eyes again, and blushed when she saw him still gazing at her with ferocious intensity.
“I get to play too?”
Songül made a little nod, and she closed the distance between them. Clearing her throat, she asked him, “Truth or dare?”
“Truth.”
Songül sighed in relief. She hadn’t any dares for him, she just needed truths.
“Did you have a relationship with Derya?”
It was his turn to sigh.
“Yes,” he admitted grudgingly. “But it was a long time ago, when I was still Emin.”
Her hands found his chest. His heart was beating as fast as hers, she realized.
“So you didn’t cheat on me?”
His hands cupped her face. “No, I didn’t cheat on you. You’re my wife.”
“Your fake wife,” she corrected.
“Unfortunately.”
Silence filled the room, but Songül’s head was spinning with Sadi’s revelation. Derya had told her the truth. They had been lovers, but before Songül had met Sadi. His hands dropped from her face, and she made a little groan of displeasure. He arched an eyebrow, causing her to blush and she quickly found her voice back. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew her?”
He frowned. “Isn’t it supposed to be my turn? You already asked two questions.”
“Answer.”
His hands were now on her waist, dragging her even closer to him.
“If I told you, you would have been forced to move along with me and you told me about your father’s case…I guess I didn’t want to ruin everything. Besides, they could also have given me another police officer, and I didn’t want anyone else.” He cleared his throat. “Truth or dare, Songül Payaslı?”
“Truth.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when you found out about me and Derya? Why didn’t you give me a chance to explain?”
Songül winced.
“Because…,” she started, her gaze avoiding him.
“Look at me.”
She did as she was told, her hands now gripping the hem of shirt. “Because, I was too angry. Too hurt. At you for lying to me. At myself for trusting you, and for letting my heart lov-...” She stopped herself, fearing she would say too much. “Anyway, truth or dare?”
“Truth,” he replied, while his finger wiped a tear off her cheek.
“Why don’t you want me to call you Emin?”
He caressed her hair as he gave her an answer, “Because when I was Emin, I wasn’t good enough for you, and Songül, I want to be good enough for you.”
Her heart skipped a beat, and emboldened by his answer, she wrapped her hands around his neck. “I don’t have any truths left,” Songül confessed, her lips brushing against his.
“I do.” A sigh. “Songül Payaslı, do you love me?”
Songül bit her lips. “You know the answer to that question.”
“Well, I still want to hear it. Isn't that the purpose of this game?”
Songül shrugged, heat warming her cheeks as she noticed the shift in the atmosphere. Sadi was looking at her lips with desire and she probably was doing the same. He repeated his question, and this time, she gave him a reply.
“I do. I love you, Sadi.” She paused briefly. “My turn now. I dare you to kiss me.”
A faint grin appeared on his lips. “I didn’t say dare, Songül.” He brought her even closer, her lips playing with hers. “You’re lucky though. I don’t need a dare to do that,” he added, right before his mouth took hers.
Songül sighed in pleasure, parting her lips as he devoured her. She was completely lost in his embrace, kissing him back like it was a matter of life or death. His lips left hers, only to cup her face with his hands. He smiled at her, and she smiled back.
“I've missed it.”
Songül frowned. “What?”
He rearranged her hair. “Your smile. Please, never stop smiling.”