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Gorou knew very well that Itto was in fact a transgender man. Itto was proud of his identity and had never tried to hide it from anyone, especially his dear girlfriend.
Itto already had most of his major surgeries when the two started dating, but seeing Itto take his shot of testosterone was a normal sight for Gorou. Just like the annual doctor’s visits to check his hormone levels.
It was all normal for Gorou. He supported Itto, he loved itto for who he was. And he was just his proud and very much in love girlfriend.
But that last word had started to make Gorou’s stomach twist in disgust more often lately.
He had never expected to be in this situation. Because he wasn’t like Itto, right? No, Gorou felt totally fine living as a girl! He loved experimenting with makeup, he loved dresses and skirts, and he loved the compliments he got from total strangers.
The girl in the mirror, Hina, had always been a pretty girl. Gorou knew this. Everything about Hina was so perfectly feminine. She had a beautiful figure and dresses fitted her like they were personally made for her. Her hair was long and silky, her face soft and feminine.
But the problem was, Gorou didn’t feel like he could be Hina anymore.
The desire to have a masculine body.
It was something that suddenly sneaked up on him and slowly but surely became a familiar thought once Gorou undressed to take a shower. Or when Itto talked about him, often saying things as ‘my pretty girlfriend’ and ‘my girl’. Even when, just like he had to that day, put on his favorite dresses and makeup for an important meeting with Her Excellency.
He unzipped the zipper on the back of the dress he was wearing, and let it slip off his body. The feeling immediately returned when he caught his reflection in the full-length mirror on the wall. Everything about him was so feminine.
He tightly wrapped his arms around his abdomen, cringing about the way he felt his bra and breasts against his arms now. He wished he could just push hard enough and that it would make his breasts disappear.
Gorou had visited Textures and Kimonos in secret, giving them his chest measurements to make a custom binding garment. Trying it on for the first time gave him so many mixed feelings. He looked good. He liked what he saw in the mirror. He liked how those useless lumps of fat on his chest were hidden, and he liked how his favorite t-shirts would look on him now. The fabric was no longer strained around his breasts. Yes, he looked good.
But with that euphoric feeling also came a lot of new feelings and thoughts. Nausea and fear. That’s what it created inside of him. Why did this feel so good? What if this wasn’t what he actually wanted? What if he was just terribly insecure? And even worse, what if he still hated himself after transitioning?
He had always felt fine being a girl, what made it different now?
Gorou turned his face away from the mirror, he couldn’t stand looking at his body any longer. He moved to his closet that he shared with Itto, and searched through Itto’s clothing until he found what he was looking for. A large, white shirt that looked compared to how it would fit around Itto’s frame, very oversized on him. But Gorou didn’t care. Most of his own clothes were too tight anyway; he liked the way Itto’s shirts concealed his feminine shapes. He grabbed a hair tie from the dresser, tied his hair in a tight ponytail, and moved to their shared bed. His head hurt.
Gorou pressed his face into his boyfriend’s pillow. Itto’s side of the bed smelled very comforting to him, like musk and aftershave. He closed his eyes and imagined Itto was right next to him. He imagined Itto’s strong arms around him, laying his head on the oni’s chest and listening to his calm heartbeat. Hearing him ramble about beetle fights and games he played with the children.
A small smile appeared on his face as he thought about Itto, his boyfriend who gave him so much comfort. It was like all of his worries would fade away when Itto was next to him. Just as he was about to fall asleep, he heard the front door open. His ears twitched and he looked up, already hearing Itto whistle a song.
“Hey pup, I’m home!”
The deep, dreading feeling in the pit of Gorou’s stomach immediately returned and he let out a groan. Even though seeing Itto made him very happy, e was already not looking forward to seeing him right now. The oni would always see right through him if he lied about how he was feeling.
But there wasn’t time to come up with something he could say, because the door of the bedroom swayed open and Itto entered the room. “There you are!” he exclaimed, throwing his jacket over the door of the closet and walking closer to greet Gorou. But he haltered in his movements when Gorou got up and turned around.
“Hey… are you okay?”
Gorou bit his lip. “I- I’m fine, Itto. I’m just tired from my meeting with Her Excellency. Nothing major.”
Itto hummed. He then frowned and crossed his arms. “I do not believe you.”
“Then you choose to not believe me,” Gorou shrugged, trying to ignore how his voice cracked amidst his sentence and how the tears burned in his eyes again. The cringe he felt about himself returned and he turned around, now facing the wall instead of Itto.
“Love,” Itto started, exhaling deeply. “You know you can be honest with me. I just want to help you.”
Gorou let out a sob and turned around again, now hiding his face in Itto’s pillow. “I’m ugly,” he murmured.
“W-what did you say?”
“I’m- I’m so ugly, Itto. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I’m disgusting.”
“Ugly? Disgusting?!” Itto’s crimson eyes widened. He immediately hurried to their shared bed, climbing on it. Gorou got up and before he knew it Itto placed his large hands on his cheeks. They were now both sitting on their knees, looking at each other. “No, no, don’t you dare say that again! You’re my girlfriend, the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen!
Gorou swore he felt his stomach turn and his first instinct was to push himself off of his boyfriend. “B-but that’s the problem!” he shrieked, unable to control the tears and sobs. “I’m not a-“
Something in him made him stop talking when he saw how Itto’s crimson eyes grew wide and full of worry.
The two stared at each other, fat salty tears streaming down Gorou’s cheeks when his name left Itto’s lips. Well, her name. A name that he was forced to claim as his own, even though it felt like everyone’s name but his.
“S-stop,” he then finally shivered in a broken voice. “Stop calling me that. I- I can’t take it anymore.”
Itto slowly came closer to him, his mouth formed in an ‘o’ shape as he wrapped his arms around Gorou. He didn’t say anything, but it was clear that he had immediately understood what Gorou was talking about.
The fact that Itto still decided to wrap his arms around Gorou and comfort him pushed Gorou over the edge. He started sobbing even louder, hiding his face in his hands while Itto slowly swayed him from side to side.
Oh, it felt so wrong. So wrong as he sat here hunched over in his boyfriend’s T-shirt, being able to feel every inch of the body he hated so much. The body he was, just like his name, forced to call his own.
But he also felt Itto’s strong arms being wrapped around him, and his flat but muscular chest being pressed against his shocking back. And even in this situation, he managed to feel jealousy. Itto was just so masculine and perfect.
Why am I like this?
“Itto…”
Itto hummed. “Yes? Do you want to talk about what you’re feeling?”
Even though Itto might come across as a loud, overenthusiastic individual, he is also very caring and had the ability to make people feel safe in his presence. Gorou had always felt safe in Itto’s presence. Maybe that was why these feelings were only now surfacing because Itto always encouraged the General to be himself.
“I don’t feel ugly,” Gorou then sobbed, slowly releasing himself from Itto’s safe arms so that he could look at him. “I think I am a beautiful girl. B-but-”
Itto looked at him.
“I don’t think I want to be a girl anymore.”
It was as if an immense weight fell off of Gorou’s shoulders. He had said it. It was out there, Itto finally knew. He finally knew what Gorou had been struggling with.
Itto stayed silent for a while. He then nodded slowly, clicking his tongue as he took in what he just heard. “Does that mean you… Do you want to transition? Just like me?”
Just like me…
Gorou exhaled deeply. “I don’t know Itto, I really don’t know. All I know is how much I despise myself in this body. A-and I know that I’m still in love with you and that would make me gay,” he now started fumbling with his hands, “but you’re not gay.”
Itto raised one of his bushy eyebrows. “What? You think I won’t like you anymore if you decide to transition?”
“I- I’m just scared,” Gorou mumbled, he didn’t want to look at Itto anymore. “You’ve known me as a woman, and you’ve fallen in love with me as a woman.”
“So?”
“You won’t like me as a man. I- I don’t even know if I like myself as a man. I just know I dislike being a woman, and I hate myself for it.”
Itto looked at a Gorou with an understanding look on his face. But he then shook his head. His usual smile reappeared on his face and he patted Gorou’s shoulder. “Don’t you worry pup. I’m pansexual, remember? I’ve fallen in love with you because you’re amazing and awesome. If you decide you want to be a dude or anything in between, that wouldn’t change a thing for me.”
“Oh…” Gorou mumbled, his own emerald eyes finally meeting with Itto’s crimson ones again, “a-are you sure?”
“I am one hundred percent sure, puppy,” a wide grin appeared on Itto’s face as he saw Gorou physically relax. “Do you want to cuddle?”
That was something Gorou couldn’t say no to. He crawled in Itto’s arms again, laying his head on Itto’s muscular abdomen. He listened to Itto’s heartbeat and closed his eyes when he felt Itto’s hands run through his long hair.
“Do you mind if I tell you a little about my transition?” Itto’s voice suddenly sounded.
Gorou smiled. “No, I do not. I’m actually really curious to hear about that.”
“Alright then,” Itto’s voice grew softer and he let out a chuckle. “Let me start by saying that I was a pretty insecure person.”
The thought made Gorou giggle. “I can’t imagine you being insecure.”
“No, I understand. But that was because I couldn’t be myself. Heck, I was a really cool girl. I just didn’t want to be one. I realized something was different about me when I was about ten years old. I kept it a secret from everyone though, but in secret, I’ve always bound my chest and gone to the gym to make myself stronger. I came out right when I founded the Arataki Gang. Shinobu immediately knew what was up. She was the first one to call me Itto and took me to the doctor. I started taking hormones and had surgeries. It’s been a long journey but I wouldn’t change a thing if I had to do it all again. I’m me now and that’s all that counts.”
“B-but how are you so- so masculine?” Gorou gestured to Itto’s large hands, and then looked at his own hands, “And why do I look like this?”
“I guess that’s the oni genes,” Itto replied to Gorou’s question, reaching for Gorou’s hand. “Even though I don’t find you extremely feminine. I understand you’re probably dysphoric about your curves, but your small hands are cute. Your chubby cheeks are cute.”
Gorou noticed his sight becoming blurry and he blinked the tears away. “I can’t believe I’m only realizing this now,” he murmured, lips shaking when more tears rolled down his cheeks.
“Don’t beat yourself up, puppy. I really want to help you in this process. What’ya think of trying things out? That is also how I started,” Itto suggested, his big hand enclosing Gorou’s much smaller one.
“Try things out?”
“Yeah! I can use masculine pronouns for you and call you my boyfriend instead of my girlfriend. Just here, not outside. How about that?” Itto wrapped his strong arms around Gorou’s frame again and cuddled him tightly.
The words that had left Itto’s lips made Gorou think. That idea sounded really good, actually. He nodded slowly, a small smile growing on his face. “I-I do want to cut my hair. And change my name. I have already decided on a name I want to go by,”
“Oh, really? And what might that name be?”
He swallowed. “Gorou.”
The next moment he was pulled even closer against Itto’s chest, Itto’s warm hands being placed on his cheeks. Itto’s soft lips came into view, and Gorou didn't hesitate to pout his lips and accept a couple of warm, loving kisses from the oni.
“Hello Gorou,” Itto’s voice sounded when he pulled back, at which Gorou let out a nervous chuckle. It was so weird to hear the name in someone else’s voice, for months he had only referred to himself as Gorou in his head and practiced in front of the mirror.
“Did that feel better?”
“Yeah,” Gorou exhaled, “that felt a lot better.”
“I’m glad,” Itto said, a wide smile painted on his face as he kissed Gorou again. “I love you, Gorou. No matter what, I’ll always love and support you.”
Gorou blushed. “I love you too, Itto.”