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"morning, mecha. uh, i think there's something wrong with me."
mecha turned their head to look at silver - taking their words as a cue to scan him - and sat back in their chair, a gesture learned from their organic companions. as they did, the blanket over their ears (to block out noise, although they could easily just tune down their auditory sensors) fell to the ground in a heap beside them.
“please elaborate.” mecha responded flatly.
“something’s wrong with my head. i don’t know how to explain it.” silver tried again, sounding more urgent - frustrated, even - this time.
mecha scanned over silver’s frame one more time. the exact same results pinged back, with the differences only ranging from 0.01% to 0.02%. nothing abnormal. "please elaborate. i do not understand. your system status is fully functional. your CPU is clocking at 59% usage and your memory is running at 83% capacity. these are typical readings for you. have you run a diagnostic? perhaps it is an issue that i cannot pinpoint externally."
silver shook his head and pulled up a chair to join his sibling. "no no, it's not that, M. well, it kind of is - i don't know. the diagnostics don’t tell me shit." within seconds of taking his seat, silver's left leg was already bouncing up and down with nervous energy. he fidgeted with his hands. he had been doing that a lot lately, mecha had noticed.
"you can cease those behaviors at any time. why do you not?" mecha queried, shifting forward a little to show their interest. another cue picked up from the organics around them that they otherwise would have never learned.
"that's the thing! it feels like i can't. if i don't, i feel like i'm gonna go crazy." silver explained hurriedly. he added slight rocking to the mix as well. "it seems to help, but... why? i hate saying it but... i’m a robot. what does a robot get out of this?”
mecha took pause, tilting her head in thought. "in the nonverbal dictionary by david givens, a rocking action such as the one you currently display stimulates the vestibular senses and is therefore soothing. it is primitive but effective. you possess a vestibular system that keeps you oriented in combat, thus you benefit from it despite lacking an organic frame."
silver nodded slowly. "uh huh. so...it makes me feel something, and that's why it helps me." he too took pause for a second. "but... when i feel like this, i can't work. i can't do anything. i can't play my favourite games or watch my favourite shows because i just, like, zone out. i can't pick up a single word in a book. i interrupt everyone else when they talk and it annoys them. it makes me feel useless, M. everyone else is working so hard to keep this place nice for us all and i'm just... sitting here, being crazy. i feel crazy."
to silver, his CPU felt like a machine constantly making white noise. it was as if someone had placed static in his mind and let it sit there for hours. he wanted to make the noise stop. then he could be useful again. he hated to let his family down like this over and over. it felt wrong. he felt wrong. like something was wrong with his programming, or processing unit, or something. it drove him mad not knowing what to do with it.
mecha considered this thoughtfully. "i too display some of the behaviors you are currently showing. does that make me useless, brother?"
"no, of course not! you're smart, you always know what to do- wait, you do? i mean, i've seen you do it, but i don't know how much you do it when you're alone." silver replied curiously, tilting his head ever so slightly in interest.
mecha nodded. "i gain very little from stimulating my own version of tactile receptors, if you will, for i have none. i cannot feel pressure, heat, cold, or pain. however, i am able to detect vibration, like many predatory species can. i depend on this ability to re-centre myself in combat as well as to navigate my newfound emotional catalogue. do not forget, all beings unconsciously touch their own frames in times of heightened emotion in order to comfort, relieve, or release stress. it is a natural response, but primarily an organic one. i suppose this gives both of us some organic qualities, psychologically."
"huh..." silver moved to sit on the floor, finding it more comfortable - and feeling much less like he had to mask his behaviours in front of his older brother. "is that why i see you pacing sometimes? or why i see neo tapping his fingers on his arms when he's annoyed?"
"precisely." mecha replied, a small glow coming to their visor in affirmation. "due to the nature of our programming, each of us reflects the nature of our organic counterpart in some way. this does not make us useless. it makes us flawed, and flaws make us more alive - if you wish to deem it as such."
"is there a name for this, then?" silver asked, curious. he gestured to his entire frame, and then his brother's in turn. "you know. this... whatever it is. or do we name it ourselves? i think the-blue-hedgehog-itis sounds quaint."
"your current status could be framed as something called executive dysfunction. there is no outer stimulus that is stopping you from making progress in what you wish to do. the stimulus is internal. think of it as a blockade caused by your psychological state. it is passive. you cannot consciously decide to execute that function - hence, why it is named executive dysfunction." mecha replied matter-of-factly. "it can be likened to a form of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, if you wish to name it."
"robot adhd." silver fidgeted with his fingers as he mulled on that label. "i mean, it works...”
mecha nodded in agreement. "indeed. likewise, by organic standards, i display neurodivergent behaviours of my own. for example, i am merely adopting this position in speaking to you because i have learned that it is socially appropriate. the degree of orientation between a speaker and the listener is measured in the coronal plane. we show agreement by aligning our upper bodies with the second party. in a group setting, most people will stand with their bodies oriented towards the individual they most respect. if i did not know this, and did not know that it matters to you, i would not display this behaviour voluntarily. i would be more comfortable standing away from the other person to avoid visual contact. i find close proximity... overwhelming. i only truly accept close proximity to two other units - yourself and neo. otherwise, i am merely mirroring what i have observed in others to adhere to social norms."
"you're not a people person, is what you're saying," silver replied with a small smile, "and we all know that. but we all know you try, and that's what matters."
"i suppose it can be taken as such. however, i do not mean disrespect or harm by my mannerisms. they are simply behaviours that are ingrained into my processor specifically." mecha noted, moving to sit in front of his brother on the floor - and silver noticed the slight tremor in his brother's hand as he moved it to lever himself out of his seat. "with sentience comes room for flaws. look around you, silver. the other machines in our home likely display their own variations of neurodivergent behaviour. we are not made to emulate the perfect mind. we were created to fulfill a task, which was to end a life. we are bound to experience mis-wirings, glitches, and divergences along the way as we fail to fulfill that task. we are adapting to a world that we were not designed to exist in."
"right... but, uh, what do i do then?" silver asked, frowning a little in thought. "am i supposed to want it to go away? why me, anyway? is my wiring just fucked up or something?”
"take it as it comes." mecha advised, reaching over to place a shaky hand on her brother's shoulder. "you are flawed, as am i. it is not the end of the world. and, much akin to how the world is ever-changing, your psychological state changes along with it. this conversation, however, has renewed my interest in your condition. i shall endeavour to research how you can best adapt to it."
"adapt? and not overcome?" silver asked, sounding worried. his optics fixed on mecha's gaze as if to look for any sign that she was joking.
"affirmative. adapt." mecha repeated themselves. "this is not something that you should attempt to destroy. rather, it is a state of being that you will carry with you - and to destroy your own state of being is violence against yourself." in line with its words, mecha leaned forward and pressed its forehead to silver's affectionately. "you are performing optimally despite this. do not doubt yourself."
silver's smile returned instantly. noticing this, mecha's visor brightened to a warm glow, smiling back at him. one of the few things that made mecha "happy" was seeing their brother happy. they wanted silver to be happy all the time, if the world would allow it. with a small, subtle purr of their engine, mecha gathered silver into their arms and let him sprawl in their lap. silver reached up and playfully batted mecha's nose with a little laugh.
"you're a weirdo, M." silver told his brother with a grin.
"as are you." mecha agreed, replying with a scrub of their brother's head with their knuckles. oops, that left a few superficial scratches in his paint. no matter, he would repair those later. but rather than worry about that, mecha leaned back against the wall and let their brother act as a sort of weird little weighted blanket. no, they couldn't feel the pressure, but the subtle vibration of silver's own engine was enough to keep them sated. "are your concerns adequately addressed?"
"yeah. thank you, you're the best."