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“You look awfully tired. Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
“I’m fine.” I insisted for the umpteenth time in the past fifteen minutes. “It’s just one night of broken sleep, really, it’s not that bad. A little coffee or something and I’ll be good to go!”
“Are you sure? It can wait, y'know the whole timelord thing. We can always go back and-” He cut himself off when I gave him a pointed look, sighing. “Fine, fine. Alright. We’re going.”
“Good, because I was about to just go down there and save the planet myself.”
He snorted. “You don’t even know how to land the TARDIS.”
“I’d figure it out.” I huffed out a laugh as he smiled, turning back to fiddle with the control panel.
The truth was, it hadn’t been just a night of missed sleep. It hadn’t even been a week of missed sleep. It had been months of missed sleep, missed meals and just plain missing basic human things that I should not have been missing.
But, of course, all that got tossed to the side, traveling with the doctor. His need for food and rest was much lesser, almost non-existent compared to a human. I didn’t want to slow him down or be a burden, so I didn’t exactly carve out time for regular meals or sleep. I attained those things in between everything else, whenever I could.
That meant maybe a single decent meal a day, some quick snacks in between, and often going days or even weeks without a full eight hours of sleep. Sometimes going without sleep completely, for days on end.
Short term, this would have been fine. Not the healthiest thing exactly, but as long as I could have time to eventually take care of myself and recover, it wouldn’t be a problem. But after months of this with no real recovery, it was only a matter of time before I crashed completely, whether I liked it or not. I only hoped it didn’t happen in front of the Doctor.
I noticed the changes in me too, as I’m quite sure he did, with his concerned glances. I had lost quite a bit of weight which, with my previous insecurities, had been just fine to me. But it had made it to the point where I, and he, could now see how worryingly thin I was.
I panted as we came to a stop. We had to run for our lives from the aliens invading the planet. It was no use, there was nothing we could do. There were too many of them, not to mention the locals had acted less than friendly and cooperative towards us. We had no help.
I clung to the corner of the building as I desperately gasped for precious air. Spots danced across my vision; I felt weak and lightheaded, leaning heavily against the building.
“Wait.” I gasped out, squeezing my eyes shut to try and get rid of the dots.
I heard his sneaker clad footsteps pause before they grew closer.
“Are you alright? What’s wrong?” His voice was full of worry.
“I’m- I’m fine.” I panted. “Just. Out of breath. Haven’t ran like this in, in a long time y'know?”
I glanced up at him only to see a skeptical look on his face. He was frowning.
He bent down to my level, his hands on his knees as he met my eyes. His gaze was soft with concern.
I attempted a small smile at him. “I’m fine, really.” I reassured him.
To prove my point, I tried to straighten up to my full height.
As soon as I did, a wave of exhaustion and dizziness overtook me and I staggered forward weakly.
My vision went hazy as I felt his arms around me, instead of the hard ground, and heard his frantic voice repeating my name over and over again.
I groaned, forcing my eyes open in an attempt to not fall unconscious again. The light in the room was anything but bright, but it made my head pound painfully regardless. My entire body felt like a bruise.
“You’re awake.” He stated, his voice was guarded.
My gaze trailed over to meet his, he was sitting in a chair that I didn’t remember having by my bedside.
His eyes, however, were far from guarded. They were full of concern.
I weakly propped myself up on my forearms, attempting to lean against the wall behind me. I clenched my teeth as my arm brushed against a particularly tender spot on my side.
He sat silently and watched me. That was the part that worried me the most, I knew he was furious.
“So,” He started, his voice a falsely upbeat tone. He clasped his hands together and leant forward. “What was that?” He asked lowly, his tone switching in a heartbeat.
I sucked in a breath, wincing when I felt a pang in my side, likely another bruise.
“I didn’t sleep very well, I was tired and I overestimated what I could do. I’m sorry.” I apologized, though it was an automated apology. There was no way I would or even could tell him why I had collapsed in a potentially dangerous situation like that. If he knew, he’d send me home. I couldn’t risk that, traveling with him had become my life now, my entire and only reason for existing. If he sent me home, I didn’t think I would be able to cope.
I could see it plainly on his face, he wasn’t buying my sorry excuse of an apology at all. He sighed, leaning further forward in the chair and resting his elbows on his knees.
“The real reason.” He said flatly.
The hesitation was evident on my face, I knew. I didn’t even try to hide it. When I finally spoke, my voice was quiet.
“If I tell you, you’ll send me home.” I whispered.
His features softened. “I won’t.” He promised, reaching forward and gently taking my hand in his. “I’ll never make you stop traveling with me, not unless you want to.”
“No, never.”
“So why?” He persisted.
“It’s kind of difficult trying to keep up with you.” I managed a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. He frowned as I continued.
“You don’t need to eat as often as a human, you don’t need to rest or sleep as much. I don’t- I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to weigh you down with my bothersome human needs.” I admitted quietly, looking down at our intertwined hands.
This was, at this point, almost too much for me. I had always thought of him as a friend, and he thought of me as his companion. Up until recently, that’s how it had been. Until my feelings developed and became more complicated.
Dare I say, I loved him. But I was nothing more than a traveling companion to him, a partner in crime. He was an immortal being, he was probably used to not forming strong attachments to his mortal companions after all this time. I was temporary to him. Replaceable.
This moment we shared, right now, was too much for my aching heart to handle.
To him, all he was doing was comforting a companion.
His soft voice drew me out of my thoughts.
“Love, oh, love, you will never be a burden to me. You’re human, and that’s what’s beautiful about you. It’s not the weakness you think it is.” His voice was low and velvet as he comforted me.
“I would never leave you behind.” He continued, his thumb now rubbing gentle circles on the back of my hand. I sighed contentedly, leaning back into the pillows.
“I need you to promise me something.”
I glanced back up at him, questioning.
“Promise me you’ll tell me if you’re tired, hungry, anything. Don’t push your needs aside for me, we can stop, get a bite to eat or proper sleep, whatever you need. If you need, we can take as much time as you want away from traveling so you can rest up properly and get back on your feet.”
“I just can’t have you exhausting yourself. I can’t have you collapsing on me like you did this last time.” He sucked in a shaky breath. “If that was in a more dangerous situation- not that it wasn’t already- that would have cost me you. I can’t let that happen. I can’t let you get hurt or lose your life over me. Too many have already, I can’t bear to see the same happen to you.” He admitted softly.
I blinked hard, trying to clear away the unexpected tears that had formed in my eyes, catching me off guard.
He noticed this, and leaned forward to hug me. I sighed, resting my chin on his shoulder and reveling in the feeling of his arms around me. I felt so safe. I felt loved.
I stopped my mind at that. I wasn’t going to wander that path.
His hands rested on the small of my back, tracing aimless, thoughtless patterns. He shifted to sit on the bed with me and I relaxed into him even more, nestling my head into his chest as he rested his chin on the top of my head, pulling me closer.
“I care about you, perhaps too much.” He mumbled into my hair.
“I care ‘bout you too. Way too much.” I admitted tiredly. I wasn’t really thinking straight as my eyes fluttered open and shut, trying to stay awake. His warmth was too comforting.
He noticed the way I struggled to stay awake.
“How about a bit more rest, then I’ll make us something to eat, how does that sound?” He asked, pulling away to meet my tired eyes.
I nodded slightly, uttering a “mhm” in agreement.
With that, he leaned back onto the mattress, pulling me down with him and tucking me against him. I now realized he hadn’t been wearing his normal attire this whole time, instead he now wore a t-shirt and sweatpants like a normal person. It was an odd sight, but one that I drank in gratefully.
As the sound of his dual heartbeats lulled me to sleep, I felt him press a gentle kiss to my hair.