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The first time Kei thought about Kageyama was in his first year of high school, as he was walking home with Tadashi after practice. Tadashi was talking about how cool all the club members were, especially Yuu and Ryuunosuke, when Kageyama and Hinata ran past them like the wind. Tadashi couldn’t believe it, and Kei shook his head, noting that Kageyama had improper form.
The third time Kei thought about Kageyama was during Valentine’s day, before practice began. The second and third years were tallying up how many chocolates they got – Koushi was winning with 29 – when Tobio burst through the door, holding a bunch of chocolates in his arms. All of them aah’d and ooh’d, but Kei only tch’d, wondering why people even gave chocolates to Kageyama.
The fifth time Kei thought about Kageyama was in class, after they got their exam scores back. Kei had scored good marks – marginally better than the last exam – when his eyes fell on Kageyama, who looked like he’d seen a ghost. His face was whiter than milk, and his hands had a deathly grip on the paper, and Kei wasn’t sure whether or not he was going to live until the bell rang.
The eighth time Kei thought about Kageyama was during the two-person run. The sun was setting, painting everything in a vibrant shade of blood orange, when he caught sight of Tobio – who looked absolutely stunning with his eyes closed and his glowing sunset skin. Pretty, Kei whispered under his breath, before running back with him.
The eleventh time Kei thought about Tobio was at the clothing store. The moment Kei saw that white t-shirt with MILK written on it, his mind flashed back to Tobio. Idiot little Tobio with his stupid little milk box. He bought it without even bothering to check the price, and also an additional milk box keychain. Tobio did love his milk, after all.
The twentieth time Kei thought about Tooru was during practice, when Shouyou showed him a photo of Tobio, Hajime and Tooru next to the Tokyo Tower with big smiles on their faces – even Tobio, although his was barely there – throwing up peace signs with their hands. As he stared at the picture, Kei had never felt so cold before. Or so confused. Or so angry. Or so numb.
The thirty-sixth time Kei thought about Tooru was when he was doing his math homework. He’d taught Tobio the answer to this equation, after the setter had practically begged him to. Tobio didn’t know this, but Kei had fun teaching him. The concentration, the stubbornness – it was very Tobio. Cute little Tobio with his cute little milk box.
The fifty-fourth time Kei thought about Tobio was at the new year’s festival. Everyone – Tadashi and Hitoka, Shouyou and Kenma – was present, except for Tobio. Something urgent had come up, Tadashi informed him. Was that something urgent Oikawa, he wanted to ask. It wasn’t subtle at all, their attraction towards each other. And that made Kei burn with jealousy.
The eighty-sixth time Kei thought about Tobio was after his big move to Sendai. He’d wondered where Tobio would like this city – this beautiful, bustling, noisy city – and if he’d consider moving away from Tokyo. Probably not, since volleyball and Tooru were in Tokyo. It wouldn’t work, Kei told himself. Not now, not ever. It was too much work. He was willing to put in the work though.
The hundredth time Kei thought about Tobio was in his dorm, as he was flipping through the pages of Volleyball Weekly. Two pages were filled with Tobio’s pictures, and two more with Tobio’s interview for the magazine. He unfortunately hadn’t made the cover – Wakatoshi did – but did make the second central story. That was how Kei found out that Tobio was moving to Italy.
The two hundredth and sixteenth time Kei thought about Tobio was in a café. His date had stood him up, and while he was sitting there, quietly stirring his coffee, he heard the words Tobio-san and relationship and Tooru-san being uttered in the next table over. While he wasn’t surprised – it was only a matter of time, anyway – he wanted to run somewhere far, far away and never come back.
The three hundredth and twenty second time Kei thought about Tobio was next to the river in Miyagi, where they’d often walk together in silence after practice. He thought they had something – that they really had something – and now Tobio was getting married to Oikawa Tooru in December. Those really were tears coming out of his eyes, and that really was a butterfly flying away.
The four hundredth and first time Kei thought about Tobio was in a men’s restroom at a bar, when he was fucking Kuroo raw. He imagined that Tobio was the one kissing him, that Tobio was the one who was writing under his touch, that it was Tobio who tasted like sweat and bourbon. He wanted to get Tobio out of his system through whatever means he could, and that included sex.
The four hundredth and sixteenth time Kei thought about Tobio was at home, when he was scrolling through his phone gallery. The alcohol had left him dazed, and the montages of Tobio were playing in his mind like a movie. Kei didn’t acknowledge the tears. Or the snot. Or the dull, aching pain cascading through his body because he missed Tobio and what they could’ve been.
The four hundredth and twenty-fifth time Kei thought about Tobio was in a grocery store, when he saw the milk cartons that the setter so liked to drink. It took him all the strength in the world to not start crying right then and there, next to the teddy bears and soft toys. But he did wipe away a tear, hoping that nobody saw him. If they did, he had something in his eyes.
The four hundredth and thirty-second time Kei thought about Tobio was at Kenma’s apartment, when Shouyou spoke Portuguese to Kenma, and Kenma answered in Japanese. He wondered if Tobio and Tooru would speak like that – one in Spanish and the other in Italian, with Japanese as a common language branch. Maybe, maybe not. He couldn’t ask and didn’t want to know.
The four hundredth and thirty-fourth time Kei thought about Tobio was when Sugawara-san told him that self love was the best love, and that he understood, he really did, but this had been going on long enough. “Why’re you wasting your time on somebody who doesn’t even think twice about you?” he’d asked, which Kei didn’t have an answer to.
The four hundredth and forty-second time Kei thought about Tobio was when he combed through his contacts to delete the setter’s number. The delete option stared at him like a neon sign, his thumb hovering over it like a moth. When he pressed yes, a small part of him rejoiced, and another part of him mourned. Mostly though, he felt numb. Numb and lost.
The four hundredth and forty-fifth time Kei thought about Tobio was when he was looking at the dazzling night sky. The stars were shining so strong and so bright, it reminded him of Tobio. Of how strong and bright he was. Of how Tobio was now accompanied by another star, never to be lonely again. One that was not him.
And somehow, he wasn’t torn up over that.
It takes Kei a long, long time to get over Tobio. There’s a lot of crying, one too many one-night stands with Kuroo, much late night talking with Sugawara-san, and a lot of detaching from emotions involving Tobio. Breathe, is what he tells himself, just breathe. Even though your shirt is stained with snot and your nose is blocked, breathe. You’ll get there.
Eventually.
Sometimes, memories of him and Tobio resurface in his mind – them playing Jenga together, shopping for groceries, trying to play the guitar – which leaves him unable to even move. His breath hitches and his hands get clammy, but he faces the memories with all the courage he can muster. He lets this moment drain his energy, and to an extent his soul, because he knows that this is the only way.
This is the only way for him to let go.
Maybe someday he’ll be able to look at Tobio’s photos without feeling hollow, maybe someday he’ll be able to talk about Tobio without any inhibition.
Maybe one day, he’ll have enough strength to talk to Tobio himself.
Kei doesn’t know when that day will come – this “self love journey,” as Koushi calls it, has had more downs than ups – but he lets himself hope. Hope that his efforts pay off, and don’t just burn to the ground. Hope that Kuroo forgives him. Hope that everything will be okay.
After all, what is life without hope?