Work Text:
“The beach.” HiMERU sighs. “Amagi, you’ve got five seconds to explain why you think we should go to the beach at 2’o’clock in the morning.”
Out of all the ridiculous things that Rinne Amagi has proposed in the short time that HiMERU has been a member of Crazy:B, this one has to be one of the worst. Not because it was reckless or dangerous, which is what most of Rinne’s ideas tended to be, but because HiMERU knows exactly why Rinne is asking. There’s only reason that he’d request to go somewhere this far this late at night.
“You look exhausted, Merumeru.” Rinne chuckles in response, clearly ignoring how agitated HiMERU appears to be. “It would do us both a favour if we went somewhere to de-stress for a while.” He pauses, before giving HiMERU an offhanded wink. “It can be our little secret.”
“That’s precisely why HiMERU doesn’t want to go.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.” Rinne counters, a cocky smirk plastered on his face. “Think about it this way. If you go, you’ll get an opportunity to enjoy the fresh air. You don’t need to stay with me, and if you do take the opportunity for a smoke break, then I’ll just act like it never happened.”
HiMERU doesn’t say anything in response. Rinne’s right after all. It has been a long time since he’s been able to de-stress, and with Kaname’s condition becoming more and more uncertain by the day, HiMERU hasn’t really had the time to do anything by himself, mostly spending his time at the hospital— which had a habit of being horribly depressing.
Smoking isn’t something that HiMERU was particularly proud of by any means, but just like Rinne said, it was his primary way of stress relief. A horrible habit picked up while studying abroad, that no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it, only seemed to get worse.
There’s nothing that he can do about it now, and Rinne’s offer does look tempting the more that he thinks about it. It’s not like he dislikes the other’s company either. As loud and obnoxious as Rinne could be most of the time, he was actually pleasant to talk to when he wasn’t all over the place. So maybe he was right, maybe a trip to the beach would do some good.
“Fine.” HiMERU relents. He’s not particularly happy that he’s giving into one of Rinne’s whims, but at this point he doesn't really care. He needs a break, and if that break happens to be with Rinne Amagi or all people, then so be it. “Give HiMERU about five minutes and we can leave. His only condition is that we arrive back at Shiina’s apartment before sunrise.”
“That works for me, It’s not like I’ve got anything else going on at the moment.” Rinne replies, giving HiMERU a light smile. A lot more sincere than the ones he’s used to. “I’ll just tell Niki that we’ll be heading out.”
“That’s fine. Just don’t tell him where we’re going if that’s alright.”
“That determined to keep it a secret, huh?”
“Of course.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night I guess.” Rinne says after a few minutes, grabbing his coat as he does so. “We should probably get going now, since you’re so determined to get back on time.” He grabs HiMERU’s hand as he says this, dragging him outside into the cool spring air.
Rinne doesn’t say a lot as they walk to the station, choosing to cling onto HiMERU instead. It’s actually quite nice. With Rinne’s hand being warm to the touch, a stark yet subtle contrast from the cool breeze that surrounds them both. HiMERU’s never been too big on physical affection of any kind, but there’s something about Rinne that gives him a pass. He’s not particularly sure why that’s the case, but he’s also not in the mood to dwell on it. Knowing that if he thought about the whirlwind that was Rinne Amagi for longer than necessary, it would cause him nothing but grief.
He contemplates this as they arrive at the train station, which appears to be mostly empty. Probably due to the fact that it’s quite late at night, and the last time HiMERU checked, most people didn’t usually go to the beach at this time. Not that it matters. The less people that saw him and Rinne together, the better it would be for them both.
“Do you even know where you’re going, Amagi?”
“Of course I do Merumeru.” Rinne replies, patting HiMERU lightly on the back. “I wouldn’t have suggested this beach if I didn’t know where it was.“
“HiMERU guesses that’s true. Although he wouldn’t put it past you to take him somewhere without knowing where it is.”
“You’re not wrong. That does sound like something I’d do.” Rinne laughs, loud and bright and unusally honest. “It’d be a lot of fun as well. Just going wherever. Watching as life takes you somewhere unexpected.”
“HiMERU has never really thought about it like that.”
“Well I think you should.” Rinne says, a little quieter this time. “Sometimes the best things in life are the ones you least expect.”
That’s the last thing that HiMERU expected to hear, especially from someone like Rinne Amagi. Who usually had a tendency to be as reckless and unpredictable as humanly possible, and for someone like HiMERU, who valued his ability to read others. Rinne was almost impossible to pin down. With every single thing that he does being a complete mystery to HiMERU, every action both perfectly calculated and a complete gamble at the same time. He doesn’t know how Rinne does it, and the more time HiMERU spends with him, the more he wants to find out.
“That’s an unusually mature way of looking at things, Amagi.”
“Well you know what they say.” Rinne replies, looking at HiMERU directly for the first time since they arrived at the train station. “I’m full of surprises.” He adds in a light wink, a subtle attempt to appear charming, and maybe it would have been, if it weren’t for the fact that he ended up blinking instead.
“You’re a terrible flirt, Amagi.” HiMERU says after a few minutes. Trying to stop himself from bursting into laughter. “HiMERU thought you were more charming than that.”
Rinne sighs dramatically, feigning hurt. “How dare you accuse me of not being charming. I’m plenty charming.”
“Being a nuisance to Shiina does not count.”
The train arrives before Rinne can say anything else, and Rinne takes the opportunity to grab HiMERU’s hand again. Pushing him onto the train before he has the opportunity to object. There’s nobody else on the train with them, which makes sense, nobody really goes to the beach in the early hours of the morning. Except Rinne it appears. But then again, Rinne has always done things differently compared to most people.
It’s actually kind of peaceful, now that HiMERU thinks about it. The train is mostly silent, and it’s a nice change of pace from the hectic everyday that HiMERU is used to nowadays. Being an idol is an exhausting endeavour, especially when you don’t really have any passion for it. Not in the way that Kaname did. Kaname, who wore his passion like the sun, who was confident and ambitious, a scared child, determined to prove that he could make it.
It’s laughable to HiMERU that he could even try to replicate such a passion, that he could try to imitate the things that made Kaname so special. That’s not to say he hasn’t tried. Because he has, he’s tried so hard to become the idol that Kaname couldn’t be, to give him a second chance at a dream that he wasn’t able to achieve.
He might have lost a little bit of himself in the process, but realises he doesn’t really mind anymore.
“We’re here.”
The sound of Rinne’s voice immediately snaps HiMERU back to reality. He’s managed to get distracted. Again. Allowed himself to be consumed by his own thoughts and emotions, to let them eat at him as they so often do. It’s annoying, especially since the whole point of this trip was to get away from all that, to free himself from whatever’s been troubling him lately. It’s not easy, obviously, but the least he can do is try. If not for his sake, then for Rinne’s.
They both get off the train and head out to the station. With HiMERU trying to stay as close to Rinne as possible. The sand is barely noticeable in the darkness, but the sea reflects the moonlight, casting both Rinne and HiMERU in a faint glow. A scene straight out of the romance movies that Kaname used to make him watch, beautiful in a way that shouldn’t feel real.
“So, we’re finally at the beach.” Rinne says after a few moments. There’s a light smile on his face and a soft glimmer in his eyes. A stark contrast from the Rinne that HiMERU’s used to seeing. It’s nice though, to see Rinne look so in his element for once. “It’s been a while since I last came here.”
“It’s absolutely stunning.” HiMERU replies. A hint of awe painting his features. “HiMERU can see why you like coming here so much.”
Rinne smiles again, a lot brighter this time. “Told you it’d be worth it.” He laughs, grabbing HiMERU’s hand as he does so. “Now come on, there’s this really nice spot I want to show you..”
HiMERU allows himself to get strung along by Rinne again, watching the scenery pass him by as Rinne takes him to this ‘spot’ of his. In all of his time in Japan, HiMERU has never really gotten the chance to go to the beach like this, never allowed himself to just enjoy being alive in the way that Rinne does. Rinne, who leaves everything to chance, who treats life as though it were a gamble, who lets himself live so openly and freely. It’s impressive, and while HiMERU knows he can’t be anything like Rinne; that doesn’t mean that he can’t be swept away by him; in the same way that one would be swept away by the tide. It’s a blind leap of faith, but HiMERU trusts Rinne enough to take the plunge.
He wonders when he started feeling this way.
It takes a few minutes for Rinne to arrive at their destination, it’s a good bit away from the train station and HiMERU has no idea where they are anymore. However, he has to admit that the spot that Rinne picked out for them is gorgeous. A hidden treasure that only someone like him would know about, found after what can only be a lifetime of searching. It's a simple place, a rocky alcove near the shore, closed off and open at the exact same time, the sea surrounding them on all sides. It’s a thing of beauty, and HiMERU can’t help but admire it.
“You haven’t said anything in a while.” Rinne laughs, a hint of amusement in his voice. “Are you enjoying the view?”
“You’ve outdone yourself Amagi.” HiMERU replies, fiddling with his rings slightly as he does so. “You can’t have possibly wanted to take me somewhere this nice for a simple smoke break.”
“Of course not.” Rinne says. “Even I’m not that stupid.”
“Then why did you bring me here?”
“I wanted to cheer you up, and I thought that this would be the best way of doing so.” Rinne smiles as he says this, a smile as radiant as the sun. Blinding HiMERU the longer he looks at it. He’s never seen Rinne smile like this before, nothing like the sly grins and cocky smirks that he's gotten so accustomed to. It’s pleasant, and it’s a part of Rinne that HiMERU wishes he got to see more.
He can't help but laugh in response. Taken aback slightly by the fact that Rinne even thought about him enough to plan this. It’s a nice feeling, although one that he’s not at all used to— preferring to close himself off from the people around him. So for someone to do something for him , with nothing but good intentions, he doesn’t know how to react.
“You wanted to surprise me?”
“Yes, I did.”
“You did a wonderful job then.”
Rinne grins, taking HiMERU’s hand and forcing him to sit next to him on the rocks. They’re mildly uncomfortable, but the view more than makes up for it. The gentle crashing of the waves blends in with the moonlight, enveloping the darkness that surrounds them. He takes the opportunity to move slightly closer to Rinne, placing his head on the other's shoulder.
It’s nice being like this. Staring at the sea without a care in the world, watching as the waves ebb in and out, washing his worries with them. HiMERU has never gotten the opportunity to relax like this, to enjoy the world at its finest. To spend time with someone that isn’t in a working environment, and to actually cherish someone’s company. There might be a lot of things about Rinne Amagi that annoy HiMERU, but he cannot deny that he cares about him. Even if he doesn’t always show it.
HiMERU is glad that Rinne took him here. It’s something that he thought he’d never say, but even he has to admit that Rinne is one of the few people that is still able to surprise him. For someone as brash and abrasive as he is, Rinne Amagi has this incredible way of looking after the people he cares about. He might hide it, hide it under layers of confidence and charisma, but Rinne Amagi is an extremely kind and loving individual. It’s a strange way of doing things, but HiMERU can’t help himself from being drawn to him.
“Thank you, Amagi.”
Rinne doesn’t say anything in response, choosing to pull HiMERU closer to him instead. He’s warm, but it’s a pleasant feeling, a contrast from the cool sea-breeze that surrounds them both. He still finds Rinne’s silence unusual, but he also realises that he doesn’t actually mind. Rinne’s a lot prettier when he’s not all over the place. The hint of softness on his face makes HiMERU feel warm inside, and he wonders when Rinne started to have such an effect on him.
“You look a lot happier than usual, Merumeru, although seeing you so calm makes me wish you were like this more often.” Rinne says after a while. changing his position slightly. His expression is inquisitive, almost as if he’s about to ask him something. HiMERU doesn’t know what to make of it. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
HiMERU pauses, unable to come up with a suitable response. “Why do you want to know what HiMERU’s thinking?”
“Not HiMERU.” Rinne replies. “ You ”
It takes a few seconds for HiMERU to realise that he’s never actually been asked that before, and even longer to realise that he isn’t sure how he’s supposed to respond. He’s been so used to the persona of HiMERU that he doesn’t even know who he is anymore. To the point that his own memories blend in with HiMERU’s. That’s not to say he’s unhappy about it, not entirely, as it’s allowed him to meet and befriend so many people that he wouldn’t have otherwise. Letting him open up in ways that he never thought possible. But it makes answering Rinne’s question difficult, especially since he knows that he can’t give anything away.
Honesty has never really been HiMERU’s forte, and while he would like to open up to Rinne, he feels like there’s something holding him back, something that’s stopping him from telling the truth. His own fears and insecurities consume him, and he can’t help but ask himself if Rinne would even like the real him. If he would like the version of him that isn’t trying to be this vague distortion of his brother, the version of him who is much older than he pretends to be, who is cruel and cynical and has trouble forming connections with others— so detached from his own self that he doesn’t recognise him in the mirror.
It’s a part of himself that he’s never really shown to anyone before, it’s something that he’s always suppressed, hidden behind layers of secrecy and perfection. Acting out the perfect part for the sake of a dream that wasn’t his to begin with. He’s never really allowed himself to take the mask off before, to let the people around him really get to know the person underneath. It’s terrifying, it’s risky and it could potentially ruin everything that he’s built for himself— but HiMERU knows better than anyone that if he doesn’t take this chance to open up, he probably never will.
It’s not like he needs to tell Rinne everything .
“I feel like this persona is exhausting, being HiMERU that is.” He says after a few minutes, it’s the closest he can get to the truth without exposing himself. “I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“Then why don’t you take a break from it.” Rinne states simply. “Even if it’s just around us. It’s not like you have to be the perfect idol all of the time.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Okay then, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly.” He pauses. “What if you allowed yourself to want what you want? Not HiMERU. You. The person behind the persona, what would happen then?”
HiMERU doesn’t say anything in response, unable to do anything else except attempt to process what Rinne’s just told him. He’s lying on HiMERU’s lap now, trying to look up at the stars, acting as though he hasn’t just shattered his worldview in the span of a question. But HiMERU can’t deny the fact that Rinne’s right. That he’s been so focused on being this vessel for Kaname and his dreams, he’s never even given himself the opportunity to have a break, to let go of the persona that is HiMERU, and to finally be himself.
He might not be sure what being himself means anymore, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t rediscover it again.
“I don’t really know. HiMERU replies after a few minutes. I’ve never given myself the chance to do that before.”
“Then why don’t you start?”
“And how would I do that Amagi?” HiMERU asks, with the slightest hint of vulnerability. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
Rinne laughs, soft and gentle and nothing like his usual self. Almost as if he’s been replaced with someone infinitely more insightful. “That’s for you to figure out.” He sits up as he says this, before leaning on HiMERU’s shoulder. “You’re the only person who can decide what you want to do with yourself.”
“What happens if I don’t know who that is?”
“We all don’t, but that’s kind of the point.” Rinne replies, taking a cigarette out from his pocket and lighting it. The faint light from the cigarette illuminates the darkness that surrounds them. “It’s only by opening ourselves up to other people that we discover who we really are.”
HiMERU laughs to himself, taking one of the cigarettes off Rinne as he does so. “That sounds terrifying.”
“It’s also what makes life worth living.” Rinne says, putting the cigarette to his mouth and lightly blowing on it. “You’ll never know if you don’t take the risk.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“I’m always right.” Rinne smiles, the usual cockiness in his voice returning once more. “I’ve never been wrong a day in my life.”
HiMERU can’t help but laugh at that response. Light and childish and nothing like the image of perfection that he’s so used to being. “You know that’s a lie, Amagi.”
“It’s not a lie.”
“Then prove it to me.”
Rinne leans away from HiMERU’s shoulder, putting out the cigarette and leaving them on the rocks next to him. He’s on his knees now, looking at him with an expression that can only really be described as mild inquisitiveness. “And how do you want me to do that?”
“Prove to me that you’ll help me discover my true self. HiMERU replies, with as much honesty and vulnerability as he can manage. Which is something that he’s never really done before. “Can you do that for me?”
“”Of course.” Rinne chuckles, as he takes HiMERU’s hands into his. They’re unusually warm, and slightly calloused. “What kind of person do you take me for?”
“A reckless one.”
“Well that’s a given. Rinne says, squeezing HiMERU’s hands gently. “A gambler's lifestyle requires some element of risk after all.”
“That’s an awfully dangerous way of living.”
“I know, but that’s what makes it so fun.”
HiMERU doesn’t say anything else in response, mostly because he doesn’t know what to say. But he does know that he’ll never understand Rinne, never understand how he’s able to trust the world enough to be as impulsive as he is. How he leaves everything up to chance, how he does whatever he wants without thinking about the consequences. That he’s able to be open in a way that HiMERU couldn’t possibly dream of, honest in a way that he can’t comprehend, and loving in a way that he’s never really experienced before.
Love is something that HiMERU has never really understood.
Even when he was young, he never really grasped the idea of what love was supposed to look like, nor did he know how it felt. He never really loved his parents either, his mother died before he was able to truly love her, and he hated his father for remarrying so quickly. For discarding his mother without a second thought. He couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand his father for doing such a thing, and in the end, all he learned was that love was meaningless.
So he left. He left home and became a student under Priest, who taught him that all relationships were to be treated like business transactions, that love had no place in his life, and that forming meaningful connections made him weak. He took that advice to heart. Becoming other people and losing his own identity in the process; making sure to keep others at a distance; never letting anyone know the real him— protecting himself from the idea that he could lose someone in the same way he lost his mother.
Then Kaname happened. Kaname. The first person that HiMERU ever really loved. Even if he didn’t know how to deal with that information. He had never loved another person in the way that he loved his brother, and when Kaname told him about his dream to become an idol, HiMERU did everything in his power to help Kaname achieve that dream. He promised to himself that he’d make his brother successful, that he’d get to live the life he deserved— and when that was snatched away from him, HiMERU took that dream upon himself. Even if he knew that wasn’t what Kaname wanted.
It was a selfish decision, but selfishness is really all HiMERU knows, and there’s a part of him that envies Rinne because of it. Envies him for the selflessness that he’ll never be able to obtain, for the love that he is able to carry so freely and the fact that despite everything, Rinne seems to know exactly who he is. Something that HiMERU has never been able to do.
“I’ll never understand you, Amagi.”
“You don’t have to understand me.”
“But I want to.”
“Then why don’t we play a game.” Rinne replies, low and soft and dangerously close. He’s inches away from HiMERU’s face now, the brightness of his eyes amplified in the moonlight. “If you want to get to know me so badly, then it’s only fair that I get to know you as well.”
“That sounds like a terrible idea, Amagi.” HiMERU mutters in response, loud enough so only Rinne can hear him. “There’s nothing really for me to tell.”
“You don’t know that for sure.” Rinne laughs. “And even if there isn’t, that’s okay. We can just figure it out together.”
HiMERU sighs. “So what’s this game of yours, then?”
“Have you ever heard of twenty-one questions?”
“No, I haven’t.” HiMERU replies. “Although based on the premise, I’m assuming we take turns asking questions about each other.” Fiddling with the cigarette in his hand as he speaks. “First to answer twenty-one of those questions wins the game, right?”
“Right on the money, Merumeru.” Rinne chuckles in response. “Are you sure you haven’t played this game before?”
“I definitely haven’t, no.”
“Well then, since you’ve never played before. You can start.”
“Okay then.” HiMERU starts, trying to come up with a somewhat decent question. He doesn’t know where to begin. There’s so much he wants to ask him, so much he wants to uncover. He’s never wanted to understand a person in the way that he wants to with Rinne, who’s every move manages to keep HiMERU guessing, who’s unpredictable in a way that he can’t help but find intriguing. There’s no singular question that could even be able to capture the way that HiMERU feels about Rinne Amagi, and he’s vaguely aware of the fact that he’s a fool for trying to do so. He also supposes that it’s worth giving a shot regardless.
“Why did you want to become an idol?”
“An idol, huh.” Rinne says after a few minutes, clearly trying to think of an answer. “I guess I became one because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be my own person.”
“What do you mean?”
“My entire life was decided before I was born, and I never got a say in the matter, forever destined to be this king that I knew that I couldn’t be. I knew that from the beginning almost, and even when I was young, I always felt as though I could be more than what my village allowed me to be.” Rinne answers, soft and sweet and almost melancholic in tone. Clearly sharing a part of himself that he’s never shown to anyone else before.
“And then I discovered idols. Who were brighter than anyone else I had ever seen, who had managed to forge their own path and had this incredible ability to make everyone around them happy.” He pauses, a faint smile painting his features. A light warmth radiating with every word that he says, so raw and honest and genuine that HiMERU doesn’t really know how to respond to it. “It didn’t take me long to realise that I wanted to be exactly like them, that I wanted to have the ability to make people smile in the same way. It was in that moment that I realised that I didn’t want to be the person that my parents wanted me to be.”
“There’s a bit more to it than that, but I guess that’s the jist of it.” He leans forward slightly, snatching the cigarette out of HiMERU’s hands. “Let me light that for you.”
Rinne takes a lighter from his pocket and lights the cigarette, before giving it back to HiMERU. It’s a relatively simple gesture, but there’s a level of intimacy that HiMERU can’t help noticing, it’s weirdly nice, and he realises that he actually doesn’t mind it. “Now it’s my turn to ask you a question.” He laughs. “Give me a few seconds to try and come up with a decent question.”
“Anything you ask me will be worth answering I think.”
“Okay then. I think I’ll start with something quite easy.” Rinne replies after a few seconds. “ What’s the stupidest thing you’ve done for money?”
HiMERU chuckles to himself. “That’s the worst question I’ve ever heard.”
“You’re the one who said anything I asked would be worth answering.” Rinne counters, a hint of playfulness in his voice. “And it’s not a stupid question, it’s a good way of getting to know you.”
“I don’t see how admitting to my own incompetence is going to help you understand me better, but if you insist.” He pauses for a second, trying to come up with an answer. HiMERU has done a lot of stupid things in his time, most of them while he was abroad— back when he was able to act a lot more recklessly than he is now. It’s not a time of his life that he misses by any means, but it does give him a lot of interesting stories to tell. Most of them are figments of a past he will never get to relive. He also knows that he hasn’t really spoken about anything that he did before becoming an idol, but it’s not like Rinne’s going to ask for details, and even if he does, HiMERU can always lie about them. Besides, the specifics probably aren't too important in a game like this.
“The stupidest thing I’ve done for money happened a few years ago, I did some questionable commercials while I was abroad.”
“Now that’s something I wasn’t expecting.” Rinne says, clearly surprised by HiMERU’s answer. “You must have been horribly broke in order to do something like that.”
“I was, yes.” HiMERU admits. The whole situation wasn’t something that he was exactly proud of, especially since there was a chance that the old commercials could be dug up and used against him. But there’s not a lot he can do about it now, it’s been years since he did the commercials and even he doesn’t know if they’re available to find— and if they were, his face wasn’t actually shown, so there’s no way that Rinne would be able to recognise that it was him.
He doesn’t know why he’s overthinking so much. He already knows that Rinne isn’t going to use anything that he says against him, but there’s always a small seed of doubt that follows him; this fear that the people he opens up to will use him for their own gain. He knows that he trusts Rinne, which is why he’s playing this game in the first place— and he also knows that the more that he lets his insecurities overtake him, the harder it will be for him to open up in the future. It’s a fear that he has to let go of. Even if it feels like the most difficult thing in the world.
“I can tell.” Rinne replies, a look of mild curiosity on his face. Clearly wanting more details on how HiMERU ended up in a position in which he’d need to get a job like that. HiMERU wonders if it’s worth humouring him. “Although, I do have to ask, how did you end up in such a situation in the first place?”
HiMERU laughs, mildly reminiscent. He remembers exactly how he ended up doing those commercials, although it was such a long time ago that he doesn’t remember the full details. “I was studying abroad, and I needed the money so I could rent out the apartment I was staying at, since it cost a fortune to stay there for some reason. And like any broke student I ended up on some dodgy website that had job listings, being dumb and naive and twenty, I decided to apply for a job, thinking I’d be doing a commercial for some local restaurant.” He pauses. “Let’s just say I didn’t read the fine print.”
“You’re twenty?” Rinne asks, interrupting the flow of the conversation, catching onto a detail that HiMERU had forgotten that he mentioned. He looks a lot less surprised than HiMERU thought he would, especially for someone who thought he was eighteen-years-old until today. He would find it strange, but he also wouldn’t be too shocked if Rinne had figured that he was older than he was letting on.
“I’m actually twenty-five, Amagi.” HiMERU replies, supposing that it’s worth telling the truth. It’s his fault for slipping up about his age in the first place, and besides, he can always just tell Rinne not to mention it to anyone else. “Part of being HiMERU is that I keep my age a mystery.”
“I can’t believe you’ve lied to me about being younger this entire time.” Rinne whines, clearly overdramatising his reaction. “To think that you were actually an old man.”
“Twenty-five isn’t that old you know.”
“It’s a whole four years older than me, which in my opinion, makes you old.”
“That’s a horribly stupid way of looking at things.”
“Doesn’t mean that it’s not true.”
HiMERU can’t help but giggle at Rinne’s response. It’s stupid, stupid and immature and so unbelievably Rinne that he can’t actually comprehend it. How someone so clever and insightful can also be so incredibly stupid. He almost admires him for it, for acting like the teenager that he never got to be. It makes HiMERU jealous almost, since he knows that he’ll never be able to do anything like that. He also understands that’s what makes people different from each other— that imitating the people around him would get him absolutely nowhere.
“Do you want to know what the commercial was actually for?”
“Of course I do.” Rinne chuckles in response. “That’s the reason I asked you the question in the first place.”
HiMERU sighs, bracing himself for Rinne’s reaction. “I don’t remember all of the details, but I ended up being a mascot for one of those kid’s play places… I had to do three different commercials and was forced to work at the actual place for a month.”
Rinne pauses for a second, before immediately bursting into laughter. Loud and boisterous and way too much for something that really shouldn’t be as funny as Rinne’s making it out to be. It’s oddly nice though, to see Rinne genuinely so interested in what HiMERU has to say, absorbing all of the information and actually paying attention to it. Even if it just a stupid story from his youth— a youth that never actually felt like one. He knows that he grew up faster than most of the people around him, but it’s in moments like these that he’s able to feel young again. Just talking to someone that he loves without a care in the world, an opportunity to be the teenager that he never got to be.
“That must have been a lot of fun for you, huh.” Rinne teases, still sounding slightly out of breath. “Who knew that the suave and sexy HiMERU had such humble beginnings.”
HiMERU goes slightly red, and is immediately thankful that it’s too dark for Rinne to notice. He scrambles to come up with a response, making sure that it makes sense. “It wasn’t fun. It was the most mortifying thing I have ever done, and if it wasn't for the fact that I needed the money badly. I probably would have quit immediately.”
“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. That job sounds like absolute hell.” Rinne admits. “I’m hoping that you were able to find a better job after that.”
“I did, thankfully. My roommate helped me get a job at the local library.”
“Now that’s a job I can see you having.”
“I actually had quite a few jobs while I was abroad.” HiMERU comments. Remembering the plethora of different jobs he worked while he was in America. Some of them were a lot better than others, and if he’s being completely honest he doesn’t even remember them all. Pretending to be other people meant that he never stayed in a single place for too long, so with every new job that he was assigned he had to forge a new identity for himself. Befriending new people and blending in, making sure that he didn’t stand out in any way.
It was exhausting, but nowhere near as exhausting as being HiMERU is.
Pretending to be people that he didn’t know was easy, easy because all he had to do was look like them and fill in the gaps, but being HIMERU meant that he had to be exactly like the persona that his brother had created— who was nothing like Kaname in any way. An image of perfection that neither of them were truly able to achieve, suffocating them both the longer he tries to.
He’s fully aware that he brought a lot of this on himself, and that it would have been infinitely easier to just let Kaname’s dream die with him. Even so, there’s a part of him that feels like he has to ensure that he succeeds, if not for Kaname but for himself. It’s pathetic and selfish and probably the worst way of trying to help his brother that he knows, but it’s too late now. He’s in too deep. There’s no going back. All he can do is try to rectify his mistakes and to try becoming his own person again.
And when Kaname does wake up, HiMERU will give up the title permanently. Give it back to him to do whatever he wants with it. It wasn’t his in the first place, and acting like it was would do no favours for either of them. Giving up the persona is the least he could do. An apology for causing Kaname so much trouble.
“You must have been away for quite a while then.” Rinne says after a few minutes. Bringing HiMERU back to reality. He’s gotten lost in his own thoughts again, after trying to avoid doing so for so long. The whole point of this trip was for HiMERU to let go of himself slightly, but no matter how hard he tries, he’s unable to do it. Not in the way that he wants to.
“Well I suppose so, but that doesn’t really matter now.” HiMERU replies, trying to deflect from the topic at hand. Rinne is stepping into dangerous territory, and HiMERU is way too close to telling Rinne absolutely everything. He’s not even fully sure as to why he wants to either. That’s a thought for a different day. “I should probably ask you another question.”
“Oh yeah.” Rinne laughs, slightly oblivious, almost as if he had forgotten that they were playing a game in the first place. “Give me a good one, Merumeru or I’ll never forgive you.”
“It’s going to be difficult to top off such an interesting question.” HiMERU admits. He has no idea what else to ask Rinne, not without exposing the fact that the only reason he’s playing Rinne’s silly game is so that he can learn how to read him better.
That’s not to say that he isn’t interested in what Rinne has to say, because he is. He so very obviously is. Rinne Amagi is by far the most fascinating person HiMERU has ever encountered and he knows that isn’t going to change anytime soon. But he also understands that there’s no way that he’s actually going to be able to convey that to Rinne, who for all of his emotional intellect, isn’t that good at understanding people’s perceptions of him. Especially when it comes to him.
“I’ll throw your words right back at you then, that anything you ask will be worth answering.”
“You must think very highly of me for that to be the case.”
“Of course I do.”
HiMERU stands up, grabbing the pack of cigarettes and putting them in his pocket. He’s utterly speechless. For Rinne to admit something like that, it feels like an honour that he doesn’t deserve. The sun shouldn’t think so highly of the moon. In the same way that Rinne Amagi, who’s bright and ambitious; who shines brighter than any star that exists within the night sky, shouldn’t want to be around HiMERU. Who has a heart of ice, who hides the truth behind personas and lies, who doesn’t understand love and probably never will. A selfish liar who doesn’t know who he is.
Rinne Amagi shouldn’t want to love a person like HiMERU, but there is no denying that he does, and HiMERU doesn’t know how to process that information.
“Here’s my question then.” HiMERU starts, trying to stop himself from doing anything stupid. “Why do you think so highly of me? Why do you want to spend time with someone like me? To take me out and enjoy my company in the way that you have today.”
“Do you want the truth? Or do you want the stupid answer, cause I’m more than happy to provide both.”
“The truth, Amagi.”
“Okay then, since you asked so nicely.” Rinne begins, a slight smirk plastered on his face. Gone as quickly as it appeared. “You’re fun to be around. And before you think that’s a stupid reason, I promise you it’s not.” He stops for a second, as though he’s trying to collect his thoughts. “I might not know a lot about you, and I know that there’s a reason for that, but all the parts of the real you that I have gotten to see… all of those things are just incredible.”
“I want to get to know you , the person behind the persona, the person I’ve gotten to see today, because the you that I’ve gotten to know is one of the greatest people I have ever seen.” He turns to face HiMERU directly, cerulean eyes glimmering with a look that could only be described as admiration. “I’m not amazing with my words by any means, so I can’t explain what I mean exactly, but just know that there’s so many different things that make you one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met..”
“There’s a lot of people I’ve met in the city, but not a single one has been as beautiful as you are.”
HiMERU doesn’t say anything in response, because how can he? How can he respond to a confession like that. He had no idea that Rinne felt like that about him. Rinne isn’t exactly the most honest person by any means, but there’s something about the way that he speaks that feels too genuine for HiMERU to ignore.
He decides to move closer to Rinne instead, a wordless way of thanking him for his honesty, taking Rinne’s hand and pulling him in for a hug. HiMERU has never been one for physical affection, usually deeming it as something beneath him, but when it comes to Rinne Amagi, he figures that he doesn’t mind.
Rinne’s embrace is warm and comforting, radiating the scent of cinnamon and vanilla cologne. It shouldn’t be as nice as it is, but he cannot deny that he feels safe in Rinne’s arms. He’s never felt like this before, and for someone who’s never really understood love, he wonders if this is what it feels like.
“I wanted to thank you for your honesty, Amagi”
“It’s no problem, you wanted me to tell the truth after all.”
HiMERU lets go, moving away from Rinne ever so slightly, waiting for a few seconds before asking his next question. “Do you really find me that beautiful?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I fear that if you did get to know the real me, that you wouldn’t believe that anymore.”
“I’ll always find you beautiful.”
“Even if you knew the truth?”
“There’s nothing that could change my opinion of you. Not a single thing.” Rinne responds, filled with a kind yet brutal honesty. “Whatever dark and twisted secrets you may have, just know that they don’t make you who you are.”
“That’s an easy thing to say.” HiMERU replies. “You can say that your opinion of me won’t change, but there is absolutely nothing to guarantee it.”
Rinne chuckles to himself, taking HiMERU’s right hand into his. “You’re right. It is easy for me to say that, so instead of me using my words. Why don’t I do something to prove it to you?” He pauses for a moment, and starts dragging them both towards the sea, HiMERU’s hand still in his. “I want you to close your eyes.”
HiMERU does, mildly confused as to what he could mean by that. Rinne has always been a spontaneous person, choosing to use his actions to convey how feels, but there’s something about this particular time that feels more purposeful than the others. A level of seriousness and sincerity that HiMERU isn’t used to, and as he hears the light sound of Rinne’s footsteps across the sand, he wonders what Rinne could possibly do that could surprise him more. He also knows better than to underestimate Rinne Amagi.
“Keep your eyes closed until I tell you to.” Rinne mutters, having let go of HiMERU’s hand. They’ve stopped walking now, and even though HiMERU has his eyes closed, he can tell that they are considerably closer to the sea than they were before— the comfortable echoing of the waves surrounding him on all sides.
“You can open your eyes now.”
HiMERU opens his eyes to see Rinne kneeling dowm right in front of him. He appears to be holding a small ring, silver in colour, a singular sapphire adorns it— glimmering under the faint moonlight. There’s a bright smile on Rinne’s face, and it almost blinds HiMERU by how radiant it is. “This.” Rinne states, pointing directly at the ring. “Is a promise ring, and it’s my promise to you that no matter what happens, I will be there for you. A promise to accept you for who you are, and a promise to be patient with you.” He pauses, standing up to place the ring onto HiMERU’s finger. “I may not be good with words, and words may mean nothing to you, but I wanted to give you something permanent to remind you of these promises.”
“It’s beautiful, Amagi.” HiMERU whispers in response, only loud enough so Rinne can hear him. “I had no idea you had something like this on you.”
“I’ve had it for quite a while.” Rinne admits, rubbing his hand behind his neck, appearing to look somewhat guilty. “It was supposed to be a gift for your birthday, but I ended up forgetting about it before today.
HiMERU chuckles lightly. “Of course you did.”
“Well in all honesty, I’m glad I got to give it to you now.”
“Me too actually, I’ve never actually cared about HiMERU’s birthday too much. So the fact that you’ve given something like this now, it gives it more meaning than a simple birthday present could.”
“I’m glad you like it then. Especially since I wasn’t planning to give it to you.”
“That makes it better in my opinion.” HiMERU admits. “Everyone loves a good surprise, and you Rinne Amagi, have always had this incredible ability to surprise me.”
“I’m honoured.” Rinne replies, taking a little bow. It’s clearly supposed to be teasing in nature, but HiMERU can’t help but finding it extremely charming. He takes HiMERU’s hand and plants a small kiss on it. “Just knowing that I can still surprise you makes me extremely happy. Motivates me to surprise you even more.”
“I look forward to seeing what you have planned.”
“Me too. But I think we’ll have to finish our game another day.” Rinne says after a few minutes. “The sun has started to rise after all, and if I remember correctly, you wanted to be back before sunrise.”
“HiMERU said that, not me.”
“Well then, I suppose it won’t hurt if we play for a little longer then.”
“I suppose it won’t.”