Work Text:
lavender haze. // taylor swift
—
staring at the ceiling with you
oh, you don't ever say too much
and you don't really read into
my melancholia
Felix waits patiently, watching the seconds fly by on his phone, counting down to midnight. He can feel himself bubbling with excitement. He doesn’t even know why, all he knows is he feels as if he’s floating on cloud nine.
11:58:59
11:59:00
It’s just how Hyunjin makes him feel, like Felix was absolutely smitten, head over heels for this man who waltzed his way into his life and completely changed the way he thought about love ever since.
Meet me at midnight, Felix had mouthed to him as they finished the last song for their concert in Jakarta. They were heading back to Seoul the next day and their schedules would get filled up again, almost immediately. So, he desperately needed this. He needed Hyunjin’s warmth next to him before they got back to the prying eyes of reality.
12:00:00
Almost as if it had struck twelve loud enough for the whole world to hear, a knock sounded on his door. Felix quickly gets up, tiptoeing to his door like he was a little kid sneaking to see presents under the tree on the night before Christmas. He opens the door to see Hyunjin standing, clothed in Felix’s hoodie.
“Hi,” Felix says, unable to stop a smile from taking over his whole face at the sight of his lover.
God, that should be illegal.
Saying he was Hyunjin’s lover? It felt exclusive, like he’d struck a jackpot. And he definitely had, if he managed to make someone like Hyunjin fall for him — simple, old, Felix.
Hyunjin jumps into his arms with a soft giggle that makes Felix want to melt into a puddle right then and there on the carpeted hotel floor. Hyunjin wraps his arms around his waist, nuzzling his face in the crook of Felix’s neck. “Hi.”
Felix plays with a lock of Hyunjin’s hair, his fingers twirling it, marveling at how the taller one’s hair somehow always stays soft despite the countless times it’s been dyed and bleached. “I missed you,” he says.
Hyunjin moves his head against Felix’s neck, pressing his lips softly against the skin; his form of a nod.
Felix tugs his hand away, stifling a laugh when Hyunjin whines at the lack of contact. He pulls Hyunjin to the hotel’s bed (he’d somehow landed lucky with getting a king sized one) and pats the empty place beside him. “Come on.”
They lie down like that, twisted in bedsheets as their hands find each other, lacing their fingers together. Felix wonders if Hyunjin knows what new things he's overthinking right now, if he knew all the thoughts Felix had been mulling over.
When Felix turns his head to look at his lover beside him, he finds Hyunjin staring at the ceiling, a hint of a smile on his face as if he's sensed Felix's gaze.
Felix's eyes go back to the ceiling, his fingers slowly untangling themselves from the older's grasp and pausing to trace a heart on Hyunjin's wrist, like it was a tattoo Felix was trying to burn onto his skin.
"Hyunjin," Felix says, his voice low, almost a whisper.
"Hmm?"
Felix begins to trace swirls around the invisible heart he had already etched on the soft skin. " Thank you ," he says in English.
"What for?"
What did he say thank you for? Felix himself doesn't know. He just feels a sense of overwhelming gratitude, somewhat pride at how Hyunjin’s here , spending time with him, not anyone else. It felt euphoric. He felt…special.
"I don't know." Felix admits. "Everything? For being here with me? For sticking beside me no matter what happens?"
Hyunjin chuckles. "I don't think you'd be able to get rid of me even if you tried at this point, Felix," he says, craning his neck so he could glance at Felix.
Felix sighs, a dreamy, thankful yet anxious sigh. He could feel the lump forming in his throat and tried his best to swallow it.
" Yongbok," he hears Hyunjin say, with a voice so soft it felt like he'd drown under it rather than the mattress he was on right now. "Look at me."
Hyunjin's fingers edge toward Felix's chin, softly pulling the younger face down. The moment they lock gazes, a shiver runs down Felix's spine.
"What's going on in your mind?" Hyunjin asks, the fingers that were holding his chin now softly cupping his cheek.
"I don't know," Felix says. "I'm just…happy that you're here. Like what I said in that Two Kids Room that day. Remember?"
Hyunjin giggles. "How could I ever forget it?"
i've been under scrutiny
you handle it beautifully
all this shit is new to me
That was perhaps the day they had made some sort of attempt towards acknowledging unsaid feelings. From seemingly normal flirty remarks to small touches whenever an opportunity presents itself, everything had been purposefully ignored by both of them, never quite giving a name to them. Felix doesn’t know what Hyunjin’s reason was, but he did know his: to put it simply, he was scared. Scared of misinterpreting the other’s words and actions. And then proceeding to forever ruin his friendship with Hyunjin over a stupid crush like a fool.
Okay, maybe he was dramatic. But to Felix, that situation was like the end of the world! It was practically his worst fear.
Except Felix soon realized his feelings went far deeper than a mere crush. (the realization dawned on him on a starry night, at 9:20 pm, while he hummed along to sappy Korean ballads and playing with Hyunjin’s newly gifted homaika rings to him, staring at them like a lovesick dork.)
And perhaps that, along with Felix’s inability to keep a poker face while lying (especially with Hyunjin – he could never look away from those piercing eyes) led up to the words he said on camera for the Two Kids Room they were filming together.
As soon as the cameras turned off, signaling the end of their shoot, Felix stood up, his heart beat increasing as the words he'd said out loud moments ago began to sink in.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, he chanted a constant repetition of curse words like they'd get him out of the situation he'd put himself into.
He couldn't even bring himself to look at Hyunjin, fuck he didn't even want to know what the taller one’s thoughts might be right now.
“I can’t believe I just said that,” Felix muttered, clasping a hand over his mouth.
Felix liked to believe one of his strongest forms of love language was words of affirmation, though his confidence would slightly falter if he were to say them in Korean. Felix also loved cheering up his members with encouraging remarks, and he always tried his best to let them know how much they meant to him.
But seriously, Lee Felix? He thought, kicking himself internally. Not only had he changed a video that was meant to be fun and easygoing into him spouting thoughts that were far too deep while the sun was still shining, he’d gone out of his way to say the corniest things he couldn’t even defend with an excuse of “I love showing my love to the members.”
Could there even be any platonic meaning to “When I think of you, I feel like I have another reason to live”?
Felix felt lightheaded. Was he going to faint? At least then he’d have a way out of the incoming conversation.
“-bok, Yongbok!” Hyunjin exclaimed, shaking Felix’s shoulder like he was trying to get the man out of his trance.
Felix blinked, looking at Hyunjin then his surroundings. The crew had begun to pack up. How long did he zone out exactly?
“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asked, an amused lilt to his voice like he saw a cat chasing a laser pointer.
“Um, yeah, well,” Felix paused, clearing his throat. “I’m sorry if that got too weird towards the end. I’d understand if that came across too, like, open or something. And I’d totally get it if you got weirded out! It was kind of uncalled for, I myself didn’t expect it so-”
“Yongbok.” Hyunjin’s voice sounded through the room, echoing like they were the only ones there (or at least it seemed like it in Felix’s mind). “That was beautiful.”
Felix stared at him. That was not the response he had been expecting. “What was?”
“Your words,” Hyunjin replied. “The way you mean everything you say. Yongbok, you-”
There was an indescribable look in Hyunjin’s eyes. Or rather, Felix chose to see them as indescribable when he knew exactly what it meant. After all, he saw it in his own eyes in their videos on YouTube.
“You are beautiful.”
i feel that lavender haze creeping up on me
surreal
i'm damned if i do give a damn what people say
“Do you want me to repeat my words to you too?” Hyunjin asks, pulling Felix out of the past and back into the present. His eyes look even more fond than they did on that day.
Felix just takes in the view he has right now contently; tousled dirty blond hair, brown eyes gazing at his, the homaika rings he can feel against his cheek right now as Hyunjin brings up his left hand so that he can hold Felix’s face in his hands.
“You. Are. Beautiful.” Hyunjin says, taking time to enunciate every word like he’s tattooing it into his skin.
Felix admits – at times he didn’t feel like he was worthy enough for Hyunjin. He didn’t know whether that was the result of the borderline toxic comments he’d seen under videos or it was the part of himself that scrutinized everything he did, letting its presence be known. Sometimes, it was even the articles he read of himself online, the ridiculous ones that proclaimed to know everything about his life. Even though he knew the words they’d written could not be faker, in the darkest of nights, they’d come back to haunt him.
But now, as he’s basking in Hyunjin’s love, with him looking at Felix like he’d hung up the moon and the stars just for him, Felix feels like he’s on the top of the world.
He can’t find the need to care anymore. He just wants to stay here, like he was right now, in Hyunjin’s arms forever.
talk your talk and go viral
i just need this love spiral
get it off your chest
get it off my desk
Felix feels giddy. Lavender haze, the term comes back to him. He’d first heard it as part of a dialogue in some show running on the television, yet it stuck with him, intriguing him to the point of searching it up to see what it meant.
Lavender haze.
The state of being in love.
Of being in that all encompassing love glow.
The intensity behind those words begins to sink in now.
Felix’s eyes widen with the realization.
He was in a lavender haze.
He was in love with Hyunjin.
Felix stares at Hyunjin. “I’m in love with you,” he blurts out, then immediately covers his lips with his hand. He did not mean to say that out loud.
Hyunjin blinks at him like he’s still processing the words. Then he breaks out into a smile. And then he starts chucking.
“Wh-what?” Felix asks, baffled. “Are you laughing at me?”
Hyunjin tries (and fails) to control his giggles as he leans forward, pulling Felix closer until their lips meet. A few seconds later, he pulls away just enough so they can press their foreheads together. “I’m in love with you too.”
Felix scoffs. “Why would you laugh at me? After I confessed my undying love for you?” he asks.
Hyunjin giggles again. “It’s so cute, I mean, I knew you’d be the first one to say it between the two of us, but I wasn’t expecting it today,” he replies.
Felix rolls his eyes, feigning annoyance. “You’re lucky I love you mister.”
“Say that again.”
“What?”
“I love you.”
Felix pauses, looking like he was on the verge of saying the words. Then he smirks. “No.”
Hyunjin gapes. “What? Why?” he whines.
Felix cackles. “It’s revenge!”
Hyunjin settles on top of him, determined to tickle him until he can get the words out again.
Felix doesn’t know what exactly happens past that point or when they fall asleep – it isn’t a surprise considering they are exhausted from the tour – but all he can remember in the few seconds he manages to stay awake while Hyunjin has started to softly snore is pressing a kiss to his lover’s forehead.
“I love you.” he whispers to him.
that lavender haze,
i just wanna stay.