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Breathe in.
Breath out.
The breath of air came out in a puff, drifting in the light cast by the streetlight.
Regulus watched the mist dissolve into the night, shivering as he did so. His hands were crammed under his armpits, and his gloves did nothing to keep him warm. He took a deep breath, sucking in the cold night air as he looked at the house, continuing to shiver as he tried getting up the courage to approach the home, his eyes on the glittering Christmas tree in the window and the warmth—the warmth his older brother had run away to.
His eyes closed, not paying attention to the puff that came out this time before shaking his head. “This is stupid. I was stupid coming here. I don’t know what,” he said, his eyes snapping open upon hearing the front door open. “I was thinking.”
He stepped backward, trying to get out of the streetlight, pulling up the hood of his coat. His throat tightened, and there was a slight pounding in his chest. A shudder ran down his spine, alarm bells going off, telling him he should Apparate, get away from the figure in the doorway backed by the lights from inside the house when the shadow disappeared, and he felt something, or someone grab his wrist.
Regulus nearly jumped out of his skin, his head turning to look at the person seeing a wand pointed at him, pulling him into the light of the streetlight, using the wand to push back the hood so they could see his face and then a grin broke out on the person ’s face. “You look like our Sirius.”
“Your Sirius?” Regulus swallowed, the words stinging, the memory of Sirius leaving, of two Christmas already without his older brother, of feeling so lost without realizing until now how lost he felt.
“I—sorry,” the man said. “Did I say the wrong thing?”
“No,” Regulus said, turning, wanting to pull away from the man’s grip. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“Wait. You’re Regulus, aren’t you?”
Regulus froze, turning his head as snow fell on top of his head, his mouth twisting in confusion before he turned back to the man, his mouth opening, the confusion growing. “How?”
“Well, as I said, you look like Sirius. You do know you’re welcome here?”
“No, I’m not,” Regulus said, pulling his hand away finally, but instead of Apparating away, he found himself looking down at his hand, tilting his head slightly, his stomach churning at the willingness to touch him. He lowered his voice. “You do know I’m one of them, right?”
“You mean the Black family,” the man said. Regulus shook his head as that wasn’t what he meant, nor did he feel like a part of that family. And then the man said, “Or do you mean you’re a Death Eater?”
Regulus startled, turning his head. He turned to Apparate away so he didn ’t have to look that person in the eye.
“Come inside, Regulus,” the man said, the person who was to him a stranger.
“I’m a” Regulus sucked in his breath. “I’m a Death Eater.”
“Do you have anywhere else to go?” the man asked.
The answer was no; he didn ’t. Going home felt like a nightmare, as his mind couldn’t reconcile with his family wanting him to be a Death Eater. He couldn’t go—
“Then come inside.”
“But….” Regulus felt his mouth twist. “But I….”
“It’s Christmas. A time for family.”
“I’m not family,” Regulus said, hoping he delivered the sharpness expected of such his response, still falling into what the Black family does or doesn’t do.
“Sirius is family, so you’re family.”
“Sirius,” Regulus muttered. “Sirius wouldn’t want me here.”
“That’s not true.”
“If he did….” Regulus looked at the ground, rubbing the back of his head with his left hand, his dominant hand, and the one with the Dark Mark on his forearm.
“He’d be out here?” the man said. One of the man’s eyebrows shot up. “Sirius is out at the pub with James, but knowing Sirius….”
“He wouldn’t want to see me. I don’t know why you came.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake,” another person said. “What is taking so long?”
“Regulus here is as stubborn as Sirius is,” the man said.
“I am not!” Regulus protested, glancing away, worrying his bottom lip.
“Ah. Then come on in,” the woman said, reaching out to latch onto his arm, pulling him along. “Sirius will be in for a pleasant surprise when he gets back, won’t he.”
“Uh, no, he won’t,” Regulus said, not looking forward to how his brother would react to him being there as she dragged him and pushed him into the house, yet something told him these two overly welcoming beings were, in fact, James’ parents. With a nudge with a foot, he looked down, slipping off the heavy boots and finding the jacket taken away from him before being shoved into a room filled with Christmas cheer. He turned, swallowing to see where Mrs. Potter was putting his coat so he could grab it when he needed to escape his older brother’s wrath.
“So, who’s the girl?” Mrs. Potter asked.
Regulus spluttered, feeling his cheeks, the tip of his nose, and his ears suddenly heat up. “I—how?”
“Effie,” the man said, taking a seat in what looked to be a very comfy chair.
“But he was just with a girl before he came here, wasn’t he?”
Regulus took a deep breath, watching the snowfall out the window. “If Potter’s mother could figure it out, what about mine? I’m dead.”
“Regulus, sweetheart, are you alright.”
Regulus held up his arm, pointing at his forearm. “I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve to be here.”
To she bustled over and sat down on the couch, motioning he should take a seat next to her. “I take it you’ve doubts? About….”
“Doubts?” Regulus shook his head. “Doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. And you should turn me in, right?” He sucked in his breath. “That’s the right thing to do, right.”
“And for what crime would we turn you in for, love?”
“For being a Death Eater,” Regulus said. His eyes closed. “Please, just do so.”
“Hey. Regulus. Do you play Wizard’s Chess?”
“I’ve played.”
“Then, sit down on the stool and play a game with me,” Mr. Potter said. “Get your mind off whatever is troubling you.”
Regulus frowned, sitting down, his toes wiggling in his socks as he removed his gloves and set them on his lap. He tried sitting prim and proper as was expected of him, unsure how this would get his mind off what was troubling him.
“So, white or black?”
“Black,” Regulus said, watching the chess pieces take their places on the board.
“Black? You do know that white supposedly has a slight advantage?”
“I’m aware,” Regulus said. “I find it more challenging if I’m at a disadvantage.”
“Ah,” Mr. Potter let out a short laugh, making his first move while Regulus followed suit. “So, this girl of yours?”
Regulus flinched, looking up at Mr. Potter yet not looking the man in the eyes, something his mother still got on his case for when someone wasn ’t looking, not wanting to make a scene of it with how many scenes Sirius caused over the years. Still, there was the distinct feeling she thought of his issues as inherently worse than anything Sirius ever did, so he’d always hid his quirks to the best of his ability—usually. “I thought this was meant to distract me from what’s bothering me.”
“We’re having some family-together time before James and Sirius get back,” the man said. “And I didn’t know the girl you were with,” Mr. Potter sighed. “Not sure how to proceed with this conversation.”
“Regulus, does your mother know?” Mrs. Potter asked.
“Not, and I’d like it to stay that way,” Regulus said, pushing his lips together, his head tilting in agitation. He attempted quickly correcting it, which strained his neck slightly. He reached up, frowning, shaking his head in confusion.
“You aren’t having unprotected sex, are you?” Mrs. Potter blurted out.
He turned his head, confused. “Am I having what?” He watched Mrs. Potter and Mr. Potter look at each other and felt his heart sink; he knew that look—he’d learned a long time ago that when people looked at each other, he’d done something odd. He cleared his throat. “What exactly is—what is the difference between unprotected sex and regular sex? Is this even an appropriate question to ask?”
“Well, if you are going to be having sex, yes. The difference between unprotected and protected sex does matter.” Mr. Potter said, moving another one of his pieces as Regulus watched a black chess piece get smashed to smithereens.
“It’s the only time,” Regulus let out a sigh. “After all, what I’m planning on doing….”
“Even if it’s just one time,” Mrs. Potter said, stopping. Regulus looked up.
“I—did I do something wrong?” Regulus asked. He then shook his head, looking at the chess set. “Scratch that. I did do something wrong, not that I see it being a big deal to the Potters as it would the Black family.” He moved a piece. “Checkmate.”
“Indeed. Would you like to play again, Regulus?”
“Yes, please,” Regulus said. “And I’d like to play black again if that’s fine with you.”
“Yes. That’s fine,” the man said. “This isn’t something—I’m not sure how to put this, but this girl? What do you think of her?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Regulus said. “Yet, at the moment, it mattered. Because it was my choice and not there’s for once. And then Kreacher. Kreacher got hurt because of me.” His eyes closed, taking a deep breath.
“Doesn’t matter?” Mr. Potter said. “Of course, it matters.”
Regulus ’ hand hovered over a piece, then lowered it. He looked at Mr. Potter, unsure of how to respond. He then looked down at work, frowning, his hand dropping to his lap where the gloves were. He glanced away, trying to hide the emotions he felt welling up. “No. What I think of her doesn’t matter. That’s just the way things are. Can’t do anything about it.”
“That’s rather callous, isn’t it?” Mr. Potter said. “It’s your move.”
“That’s life, though, isn’t it,” Regulus reached up, making his move. “How I feel has never mattered, so why should it now?”
“Yet you, well, you know,” Mrs. Potter said. “Were intimate with her?”
Regulus felt his cheeks heat up suddenly as Mr. Potter made a move. He shook his head. “That—it was just once. Just once.” He sucked in his breath. “It’s not that big of a deal. I mean, it’s not as if….”
“Not as if what?” Mr. Potter said.
“Be with her if I wanted to. Only this once. Only this one time,” Regulus said. He shook his head. “I don’t know why you’re….”
“Is she,” Mr. Potter let out a deep sigh. “You do like her then?”
Regulus closed his eyes. “Whether I like her or not doesn’t matter. As I said, I can’t be with her. ”
“Then why did you,” Mrs. Potter started to say.
“Effie,” Mr. Potter said. “Let me guess. The girl you like? She’s not someone your family would approve of?”
“No,” Regulus said. “The girl I like,” he said, frowning, swallowing. “The girl I like is a Muggle.”
“I—what?”
Regulus was startled, his head turning to see that Sirius and James had arrived, and both were staring at him, leaning on each other, quite drunk. ”
Sirius stared, then said. “The girl you like is a Muggle?”
Regulus stood, putting his gloves on. “I should go.” He looked at the ground. “I shouldn’t have come.”
“Regulus,” Sirius said firmly.
“I’m sorry. I was being stupid,” Regulus said, heading to the front door and pulling out the coat. “It’s not as if it matters. At all.” He paused, then turned to look at the Potters. “Thank you. For having me. Sorry for intruding.” He needed to leave before he caused even more trouble than he’d already had, not caring that there was a storm outside the house that had gotten worse since he’d gotten there. This wasn’t his home.