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Home.
There was an ache, a dull ache, a feeling that Regulus couldn ’t quite place, one that he struggled with placing as he’d never been that good with understanding the emotions that rattled around in that head of his.
He arrived at Grimmauld, that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that she would figure out where he ’d been, that he’d been to see Sirius, let alone the other things he’d been doing that was going on in that crazy life of his. And after conversing with the Potters and how they’d reacted to his conversation, he couldn’t help but feel even more empty. And all of that started with the burst bubble of joy upon realizing what he’d put Kreacher through, of what he’d been doing instead.
He stepped in, looking up the stairs, and the silence, as the snow from the storm continued falling outside. He swallowed, carefully taking off his coat and hanging it in the coat closet, his eyes going to the ground before slipping his gloves up and creeping up the stairs, waiting for her to pounce. A fire crackled inside the drawing room, with only a garland over the mantle piece as it had been since the first Christmas. His older brother was no longer a part of the household, as nobody felt up to putting up and decorating a tree.
For a moment, he stared, fixated on the warm fire as his thin frame shivered from the cold, before turning to head up the stairs to plan his own personal doom.
“Regulus.”
He stopped on the third step, turning to look at his father, the person he ’d not expected to see. He didn’t say anything, unsure as his young mind couldn’t remember the last time they interacted, what with how he tried to avoid everyone, disliking any shape and form of confrontation. His father lifted a hand, motioning for him to come back down the stairs and Regulus complied reluctantly as the man looked him up and down.
And then, Orion said, “Regulus, you’re shivering horribly. Did you just come from outside?”
Regulus looked away, not wanting to tell his father he ’d been to see Sirius.
“Hands,” his father said, holding out his own, indicating he wanted a closer look at Regulus’ hands for some reason, and Regulus complied. He felt the warmth of the man’s hands and fought back the notion he found himself enjoying the warmth, telling himself he didn’t like it. “Your hands are freezing. You’re freezing.”
“I’m fine,” Regulus muttered.
“Come and sit in front of the fire with me,” Orion said.
Regulus shook his head.
“That wasn’t a request, Regulus,” the man said, making Regulus stiffen, reminding him how when Orion said something, he did, in fact, mean business.
“Sir,” Regulus said as his father let go of his hands and headed back into the drawing room, his father motioning for him to take a seat.
“Warm yourself.”
“Yes, sir,” Regulus said, sitting down and looking a the fire. He leaned into one hand, his body feeling as if it were reaching out for the warmth emanating from the fire. There was silence between the two, and something Regulus found himself grateful for. At least, it was that way until he felt a heavy blanket draped over him, which made him turn his head to look at his father as the man sat down across from him.
“So, I’m not sure where to begin my lecture with you,” Orion said.
Regulus sucked in his breath and looked at the flames. “Will apologizing and saying I’ll never do it again help?”
“How? You don’t even know yet what I’m going to be lecturing you about,” Orion said, his displeasure evident.
“Yes, well, it’s obvious I’ve done something wrong, so do tell me….”
“Tell you what you’ve done wrong?” Orion said. “Should I begin with finding the House Elf holed up in his cupboard under the stairs, not answering your mother’s commands because you gave the poor creature some insane order to stay put….”
“Is Kreacher alright?” Regulus said.
“Perhaps you should have thought about that before giving your order?” Orion said. “That….”
“You mean like when….” Regulus snapped his mouth shut, looking away, realizing he’d almost let it slip that he’d told Kreacher to help Voldemort. He swallowed.
“Your silence speaks volumes you can’t even comprehend, Regulus,” Orion said.
“How about you just punish me and get it over with?” Regulus swallowed. “And I’ll rectify the order I gave him.”
“No,” Orion said. “I’m not going to let you brush me off. Not after I waited, goodness knows how long for you to get home to ask what you were thinking about the bloody House Elf, only to look out the window and see you just standing out there, a blizzard brewing outside. I’d almost gotten to the point of storming out there to drag you in by the ear. What were you thinking, Regulus?”
“I want to die,” Regulus said, having absolutely no control over his tongue.
His father ’s eyes widened in horror before narrowing. “And how am I supposed to react to that?”
Regulus closed his eyes. “How should I know? I’m just being honest.”
“You’re being honest,” Orion said. “Why couldn’t you have been honest with me before it got to this point?”
“It’s not as if,” Regulus started to say, trying to focus on the flickering. His head tilted. “Do you actually want me to be honest with you? Because Sirius was…”
“Don’t mention his name,” Orion said. “Where were you?”
“Don’t mention his name,” Regulus hissed. “Yet you want to know where I was?”
Orion ’s eyes widened again. “Regulus.”
“I’m bloody seventeen, so I can bloody do as I please! I’m sick of this bloody family!” Regulus said. “I’m sick….” He stopped; his father had stood up from where he sat and walked over, covering his mouth.
“Not another word, Regulus!” Orion said. “Did Sirius put this nonsense into your head?”
Regulus pushed his father ’s hand away. “How? I haven’t talked to him since he was disowned. I ran like the coward I am rather than speak to him tonight. I don’t know why the two of you even bother with me.”
“Is that why you want to die?” Orion asked, glancing at the door. His father glanced at the doors of the drawing room. “Hold on. Don’t say a word just yet.”
“Why?” Regulus asked as his father moved to the doors. “You aren’t going and getting her, are you?”
“Says the one ranting and raving without any consideration of her overhearing,” Orion said, closing the door, locking it with a spell, and putting on a silencing charm before turning to look at his son. “I’ve got a mind to—no. I am. For crying aloud, you admitted to me you wanted to die?”
Regulus stared, then the corner of his mouth twitched. “So you’re going to do it?”
His father ’s eyes widened. “Bloody Merlin, Regulus. Whatever is the matter with you?”
Regulus stared. “Well, what else could it be?”
“I’m getting you checked in to St. Mungos. That’s what a parent,” Orion started to say.
Regulus pulled back his sleeve. “Bloody brilliant idea, isn’t that?”
“Bloody Merlin! When did you get the mark!”
“What do you mean, when did I get the mark!” Regulus screamed. “It was my bloody sixteenth birthday present! Bella insisted!”
“Bella did, did she?” Orion said. “Regulus, just how deep have you gotten yourself? Have you….” He closed his eyes. “Actually, should I be worried about that when you’ve told me you want to kill yourself?” Orion sat down, burying his head in his hands. “This is a nightmare.”
Regulus tensed, pulling his feet up even though he knew his mother would hate it. “Sir?”
“Don’t, sir, me,” Orion said. He took a deep breath. “Well, the only thing to do is to go and see your grandfather?”
“Lord Black?” Regulus swallowed.
“Regulus, it’s father and grandfather. Why are you,” Orion sucked in his breath. He then—
“Why are you smiling?” Regulus shrunk down. “You’re scaring me.”
Despite this old age, his father came over and got onto one knee. “Says the one who’s scaring me right now, but for some reason, I think you meant that in the offhand way of saying you find my behavior peculiar, whereas I’m honestly feeling afraid, terrified, Regulus.”
“Why?”
“Why?” The smile left. “Because you’ve told me you want to die.” The smile came back. “I’m trying to smile, to be positive because one of us has to be for your sake. And we are going to see your grandfather. And I’m going to get you help. Somehow, somehow, because that’s what a parent does, Regulus.”
“No. No, no, no,” Regulus said, shaking his head. “This isn’t how—no.”
And then, his father sighed, lifting his wand, and Regulus fell unconscious, which was his father ’s way of having the final say on the matter.