Archive of Our Own

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why'

Trapt - Echo

Mo's heart is beating out of his chest as they ascend the stairs to his front door for a multitude of reasons, mostly because both he and He Tian are covered in a grotesque collection of injuries.  There are more bandages visible than his bare skin and he's anxious about his mother's reaction.  His entire body is still flooded with adrenaline, he can feel the trembling in his fingers and his limbs and He Tian's close proximity is doing him no favors.  The previous handful of hours still feel like a blur, he's having difficulty remembering it all clearly right now.  Pieces of the evening flash in his mind like the moment he saw She Li overcome He Tian, gaining the upper hand and then Mo's body moved on instinct, desperate to protect this person that had already given him so much.  Picking up a stray pipe he had brought it down hard across the back of She Li's head.  The triumph he had felt after the initial blow was short lived because in the next instant the serpent turned to strike and he was too slow to react, his response stunted by his momentary high.  The instance he recalls most vividly is when He Tian placed his body between himself and She Li.  Shortly thereafter red clouded his vision as She Li used a sharpened pipe as his weapon, slicing through the delicate flesh between He Tian's index and middle fingers.  Blood sprayed from the wound but miraculously the injury didn't seem to slow him down.  He Tian was merciless in his attack and it was only Brother Qiu's command that stopped him from continuing.  She Li had been completely subdued, a bloody mess strewn across the pavement but Mo felt no sympathy for the other boy.  Every single wound, every drop of blood spilled from that viper was justified.  He deserved every ounce of pain that he would experience in the coming days.

He Tian's chest heaved with a deep breath and by the time he turned to look at Mo, hot tears were already streaming down Mo's face and he had to clench his jaw to bite back the sob that threatened to wrench its way from his throat.  Regret and shame flooded his system because this was not the first time He Tian's blood had been spilled in his defense.  He had moved on instinct in the next moment as his arms wrapped around He Tian to hold him close, squeezing him fiercely and possessively.  He Tian returned the embrace as well as he could with his injuries but to Mo it was more than enough to feel the other boy solid and warm and safe against him.

The memory has Mo absently rubbing at his left arm, chasing the warmth and comfort that He Tian's embrace had provided.  Mo knows himself, he knows damn well how he feels about He Tian and he knows that he has been in denial about it for longer than he would care to admit to himself but it has been so hard to let his guard down and tearing down the walls he has spent years building has been painstaking and frustratingly slow.  Every time he has tried to reconcile with that part of himself his pride has gotten in the way but what good was his pride if the person he cared about most was gone?

His pride was worthless when weighed against He Tian's life.

Reaching for the front door, he turns the knob and takes a deep breath to center himself. He imagines it's too much to hope that his mother isn't home and it's unlikely because he knows her schedule.  The few days he has spent away from home has given some of the worst of the bruises time to heal but not nearly enough.  He's terrified of what his mothers reaction will be but he hopes that if he minimizes it she won't ask too many questions.  Having He Tian with him is already a massive help in that department, she's less likely to pry with a guest in the home.

As expected his mother does fuss over him a bit but not enough for him to feel too guilty.  She ushers them inside and immediately sets to feeding them and for that, he is grateful.

As they sip silently on their soup Mo can't help but let his gaze wander to He Tian and each time he looks over, He Tian is looking back at him with gentle eyes that make the butterflies in Mo's stomach fly into an anxious fury.  It's not the first time he's felt that flutter in his stomach around He Tian but today the feeling is more intense, more persistent than it ever has been before.  In the past that soft expression on He Tian's face would have infuriated Mo, he would have equated it to pity but now he sees it for what it is, for the genuine care and affection that the other boy clearly holds for him.  And though they have been through so much in the past several days, Mo has reached a certain level of understanding about his own feelings through all of that violence and pain.

It seems unimaginable for them to be here now considering their first meeting and how everything started but Mo can recognize that although He Tian's feelings developed faster, his weren't that far behind.

The silence stretches on between them and Mo shifts awkwardly in his seat.  He has things he wants to say to He Tian but he feels too awkward with his mother in the room.  The tension reaches a breaking point for Mo and on impulse he grabs He Tian's forearm and drags him into his bedroom.  Once there he feels a bit self conscious and hesitation and uncertainty render him useless for a moment.  He softly speaks the other boys name before trailing off.  It's frustrating because he knows what he wants to do.  He wants to thank He Tian, to show him that he's grateful and that those horrible injuries and all the trouble he has gotten into hasn't been wasted effort.  He appreciates every single second of care that He Tian has shown him not just over the past few days but since they started to become friends.  Somehow words don't seem to be enough, they could never convey the depth of what he truly feels.  The uncertainty allows for the all too familiar wave of fight or flight to rush through him but he closes his eyes for a second and lets it wash through him, he is not going to run from what he wants and he won't let his fear start yet another pointless fight with He Tian.  And that's exactly what it was in the end, pointless; he's been protecting himself this entire time by denying how he truly feels and pushing the other boy away, all the while He Tian has been busy protecting him.

Thoughts of romance were not something Mo has ever allowed himself to entertain, his greatest and only priority since his father's incarceration has been his and his mother's survival.  There has never been any room in his life for feelings like fondness or love to grow but He Tian has somehow managed to clear away just enough space for that place to exist and as the sunlight finally reached that small clearing, his feelings began to blossom.  His self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy are relentless though, as he finally wrestles through the feeling to run the intrusive thoughts come to take their place.  The unscrupulous echo of his deepest insecurities start to drag him down into despair again, 'You're nothing compared to him.  You're worthless.  He could never love you.'   Mo has let these thoughts dominate and control him for so long even though, day after day, He Tian's words and actions have proven them wrong.  He has more than enough evidence to know that these thoughts are not a reflection of the truth but it's so hard to silence them when it's all his internal monologue has repeated for years and the people around him like She Li, his teachers, his bosses and everyone else have only strengthened those negative thoughts, causing them to become more antagonistic.  Mo knows well enough by now that he can't erase his past but that doesn't mean that it has to have such a strong impact and influence on his future.  If he just has enough strength and faith to take a step forward, everything might change.  The possibility of change is exactly what has kept his feet rooted to the ground before but now it no longer feels like a burden, now it feels like it could be the promise of something better.  This is his opportunity to break free from his fear and his hesitation and let himself experience something that could be truly beautiful, perhaps the first since he was very young.

This requires faith and Mo isn't entirely sure that he has any but he has to try.  Stepping towards He Tian, Mo reaches out and laces their fingers together while his other hand reaches up, his fingers are shaking so terribly that the other boy must notice but he says nothing.  He Tian just looks at Mo softly, through half lidded eyes, allowing him to take the lead and have complete control.  Mo coaxes He Tian's face closer, ever so gently, as his thumb moves up to caress the soft skin near He Tian's ear.  He Tian's skin feels unbearably warm against his palm but it's a pleasant feeling.  He feels He Tian's hand settle gently on his neck, a silent bid to continue and Mo takes advantage of the momentum, the emotion and the charged energy between them.  He places a soft kiss on He Tian's face, just shy of the corner of his lips.  It's an echo of the kiss he had received from He Tian when he found him broken and bleeding in that alley, this is a response to He Tian's promise.  This is a promise of Mo's own.

After a moment Mo pulls back as he seems to reach the limit of how bold he can be. He starts to trip over his words, feebly offering that He Tian can come over for soup anytime, of all things.  Mo tries to take a few steps back but He Tian is not the type to let an opportunity pass him by.  He Tian asks if there is anything else and Mo doesn't quite understand the question but it gives him enough of an opening to locate a distraction.  He suddenly remembers the piercing kit he purchased and the offer he made to He Tian to pierce him.  He sheepishly hands it to the other boy and looks away, unable to meet He Tian's eye as the atmosphere suddenly feels far too intimate.  He's already opened up this much, is it possible for him to give any more?

The feeling of He Tians fingers on his face startle and silence him, gently Mo's face is turned until he meets the other boys eyes.  “Look at me.”,  He Tian commands and Mo is helpless to deny the request.  When He Tian moves closer into his personal space Mo feels completely overwhelmed and the burning flush across his cheeks and ears flares, deepening by the second.  He curses his alabaster complexion for what feels like the millionth time.  He hates that it is impossible for him to hide how he feels when the blood rushing through his body has the ability to turn him into a walking, talking lighthouse.

“Little Mo, you're the one who saved me...”,  He states, voice barely above a whisper and Mo steadfastly ignores the way it makes his stomach turn in an altogether pleasant way.  He Tian's large, bandaged hands come up to frame Mo's face and Mo can't help the way his lashes flutter or the way his heart stutters at being treated so gently, like he's the greatest treasure He Tian has encountered in all his life.  “I'll obey your every word from now on. What do you want? Tell me...”

He Tian's solemn vow of loyalty and fealty is overly dramatic in Mo's opinion but he would expect nothing less from the other boy.  Besides, it feels right given the current atmosphere.  Mo takes a moment to ponder the question.

What does he want?

It's not lost on Mo that He Tian's eyes are focused intently on his parted lips and he takes note of the blush riding high on He Tian's cheeks.  The blush in particular holds Mo's attention, it's the first Mo can ever recall seeing and he briefly wonders what he would need to do to make it spread and deepen.  It is very obvious what He Tian wants, his expression, their closeness and his nonverbal cues leave nothing to the imagination but is it was Mo wants? Do their wants align?

The question doesn't require much thought.  Mo knows that he wants and he'll be damned if he lets this moment escape him.  He holds He Tian's heated gaze and places his index finger on the other boys chin, pressing slightly and He Tian goes willingly, his chin turning ever so slightly to the perfect angle.  The message is very clear and Mo knows this is a moment that begs for clarity.  This isn't like the times before where he has hidden his true desires behind cruel words and overt threats of violence.

It's a small gesture known to people worldwide but Mo knows that it will change the course of their relationship forever, there's no turning back now.  'Kiss me.',   the gesture commands and He Tian obeys without question, not a second of hesitation in the action.  The moment their lips meet Mo feels the ever present tension between his brows relax by a fraction before there is an intense pull in his core.  The foreign feeling causes his lips to part slightly on a surprised gasp and He Tian capitalizes on the opportunity to deepen the kiss.  He Tian's mouth is warm and the wet slip of his tongue against Mo's own makes him want to whimper but he gathers all the restraint he has to bite back the sound.  He feels clumsy and awkward but He Tian doesn't seem to be deterred and it isn't long before Mo feels more comfortable and is able to return the kiss with more confidence.

He Tian briefly pulls away to whisper against his lips,  “Little Mo... I'll give you anything you want.”

If Mo thought He Tian's previous words were over dramatic this tops them by miles but he doesn't bother commenting on it.  Instead he surges forward for another kiss.  Mo's head is swimming and his body aches with a want that he has never experienced before.  He didn't know it could feel like this, he never allowed himself to explore his deeper desires and he never dreamed of allowing himself to experience them.  Who knew that surrender could taste this sweet?

It doesn't feel like surrender in the way he thought it would though, it doesn't feel like defeat.  It feels like trust, like collaboration and like something he doesn't dare name right now because this is enough.  Unlike the previous kiss to the cheek this one doesn't end with Mo pulling away, instead the kisses multiply as neither seems to want to stop.  'Just one more',  Mo says to himself over and over, at least a dozen times, as He Tian goes in for another kiss.  It seems endless but unfortunately it is a universal truth that all things must end and all too soon they are forced to stop as there is a knock at the door.  They disengage from one another, untangling their limbs and Mo manages to croak out the invitation to his mother to enter.  He prays that his lips don't look as kiss swollen as they feel, hopefully the bruises can serve some positive purpose and disguise that.

Luckily, his mother seems blissfully unaware of the tension in the room.  She asks if He Tian will be staying the night and Mo suddenly feels all the blood drain from his face and his heart drops when he hears He Tian speak up with, “I'd love to...,”  and Mo doesn't think he can handle that considering what just happened but then He Tian finishes his sentence with,  “... but I have homework to do and my brother is expecting me back home.”

Mo feels relief but also a surprising dose of disappointment at He Tian's refusal of his mother's invitation.  He's concerned about He Tian going home especially because there is very obvious tension between him and his brother.  He remembers the way He Tian's older brother struck him and he wonders if the other boy has more harsh treatment coming his way.  Mo's heart breaks thinking that He Tian could possibly have more suffering to do on his account.

His mother offers to send He Tian home with some of the soup she made and he graciously accepts the offer.  After she leaves the boys are left looking at one another and Mo isn't sure what to say or how he should act.  Are they together now?  Is He Tian his boyfriend?  He doesn't know, this is all brand new to him.  He doesn't know if a few heated kisses mean a relationship but He Tian must sense his trepidation.

“Little Mo, I said I would give you anything you want.  I said I would find a way for you to have a nice life.  I mean what I say so if there is something you want from me, anything at all, all you have to do is ask.”

“Are you my boyfriend now?”  Mo blurts out before he can think twice about it and immediately he wishes he could take it back but the shocked and then delighted look on He Tian's face softens that feeling.

“Do you want me to be?”  He Tian asks, his eyes twinkling in a way that Mo finds endearing and deeply irritating in equal measure.

Mo hesitates, not sure if he can actually vocalize what he wants because he does want to be with He Tian but saying it aloud seems like an impossible feat at the moment.

He Tian takes a tentative step forward and takes Mo's hand in his own, his thumb running softly across Mo's bandaged knuckles.  “Would it be easier if I asked you?”,  he offers.

The redhead looks up, eyes searching He Tian's for any trace of deception and he finds none.  He Tian means what he says and Mo knows he needs to break his nasty habit of questioning every little thing the other boy says.  He nods once and squeezes He Tian's hand gently, signaling for him to proceed.

“Guan Shan...”,  He Tian begins and Mo is embarrassed by how pleased he feels hearing his given name spoken by the other boy,  “... will you be my boyfriend?”

Mo still doesn't understand how He Tian can seem to do everything he finds so difficult with such ease.  He supposes that adds to He Tian's charm and to be honest, it motivates Mo to try to do the same.  He wants to be more comfortable with vocalizing and exploring his own feelings.

“Yes.”  Mo answers simply and He Tian looks at him with an expression filled with so much genuine love that Mo has to wrestle with the impulse to shrink away from it.  He can't tell if he likes being looked at that way but he knows it is something he can work on, something he will enjoy once he is used to it.

Mo pulls He Tian in for another kiss, once again initiating the contact and it is unreal how easily and readily He Tian yields for him.  He tries not to let it go to his head, just because they've taken this next step it doesn't mean they have to rush.

“Let's set some ground rules.”  Mo says and immediately He Tian looks attentive, ready to hear everything Mo is about to tell him.

“1.) No hanging all over me at school.  I don't need people asking unnecessary questions.  2.) Don't start spending money on me.  I can't stand it, I'm not a charity case.  3.) Don't call me 'Brother Mo' in public, it's embarrassing.”

He Tian waits to see if he has anything more to say before he asks,  “Am I allowed to call you 'Brother Mo' when it's just the two of us?”

The flush that Mo had finally managed to rid himself of rushes back to his cheeks again and he grunts in disapproval.

“Maybe... maybe you could call me Guan Shan.”  He suggests instead and that seems to please He Tian.

“I'd like that.”  He Tian admits softly, stroking his fingers lightly against Mo's heated cheek.

He Tian initiates the kiss this time, just a small, quick little thing.  “I don't want to go.”

Mo agrees with that sentiment, he really doesn't want He Tian to leave either, especially after all the time they have spent together but it's not up to them.

“You'll see me tomorrow.”  Mo reasons.

The smile on He Tian's face seems sad and although it sparks Mo's curiosity, he doesn't want to pry.  They've already been through so much, there's no need to talk about anything more right now.

When He Tian finally departs with his arms laden with homemade food from his mother Mo excuses himself to his bedroom.  He needs time to decompress and process everything.  For the first time in his recent memory he feels lonely.  It wasn't unusual for Mo to be alone but after spending so much time with He Tian he finds that he genuinely misses the other boys presence.

He picks up the piercing kit and turns it over and over in his hand as his mind wanders.  He wonders how long it will take for He Tian's hands to heal enough for him to do the piercing.  Mo imagines that He Tian won't want to do it until his own injuries are fully healed as well and he finds himself wishing they would heal quickly.

When Mo finally goes to bed last night he finds himself feeling anxious and excited to go to school which is unusual. He thinks about the soft feeling of He Tian's lips against his own and warmth bursts and spreads in his chest and he savors the foreign feeling.

'Is this what hope feels like?' He wonders to himself and he decides that he quite enjoys that feeling. Maybe, if he's lucky, his future will be filled with this feeling.