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Industry disrupters and soul deconstructors
And smooth-talking hucksters
Out glad-handing each other
And the voices that implore
"You should be doing more"
To you I can admit
That I'm just too soft for all of it (Taylor Swift, “Sweet Nothing”)
Naha, Okinawa, December 2003
“Didn’t realize you were such a weenie !”
Kojiro sees nothing but a blur of sakura pink as Kaoru zooms out into the rink ahead of him.
The place is surprisingly empty, likely due to the fact that it’s a school night, and there’s an unexpected chill in the air outside. If there’s one thing you can count on with island dwellers, it’s a low tolerance for cold.
He should’ve known better than to let Kaoru pick their leisure activity for the evening. As his doting mother had reminded him several times on the drive over- he hasn’t the foggiest idea of how to ice skate. It probably wouldn’t even matter if his closest friend of two years didn’t have to turn everything into some sort of competition. Even now, watching Kojiro’s knees wobble as he stumbles towards the end of the rink, clinging onto anything he can reach to stay upright, Kaoru still takes the opportunity to try and stoke the flames of their ongoing rivalry.
It’s never mean-spirited. After an initial shock at the impromptu roughhousing, Mama Nanjo had remarked that they were like two puppies nipping at each other. Teeth were bared, but they never bit down.
…
Kaoru cried that first day when his parents came to pick him up from the Nanjo residence.
Kojiro’s mother had heard shouts from their den that doubled as a playroom while making dinner that fateful evening. She rushed to the threshold of the room to find Koji’s new little friend pinning him to the ground, knees planted in the center of his chest, while the latter shouted to be let go. Kaoru yelled something about Kojiro cheating at the card game they were playing, but it got lost in the scuffle as she forcibly separated the two.
She spoke softly but firmly, bent at the waist telling Kaoru that she was going to call his parents to come and get him.
Kojiro stood to the side with arms crossed, still flustered from the unexpected attack, but otherwise unharmed. Kaoru shocked all three of them when his lip started to quiver.
“I am sorry, Nanjo-san,” he blubbered, tension building in his tiny body like a pressure cooker getting ready to pop. “I wasn’t trying to hurt Koji, he’s my best friend. I would never hurt him. I am sorry.”
There’s a certain tone that small children have when they’re being prompted to apologize. It’s half-hearted, rehearsed, something that siblings develop in their younger years to appease their conflict-moderating parents. Kaoru had zero traces of this tone in his voice. He almost sounded afraid.
“It’s okay, Ru,” Kojiro chimed in. His mother turned slightly to face him, one eyebrow raised- a silent cue to use the polite response. “I mean, I accept your apology.” Good.
It wouldn’t be the last time a grownup would need to separate them. Regardless, they always found a way back to each other.
…
“I am not a weenie!” Kojiro chokes out, nearly crumpling to the floor as he grips on to the side of the outer wall surrounding the ice.
“Well, prove it then!” Kaoru abruptly pulls a snowplow stop in front of him, flakes of ice flying through the air and settling around them. His eyes are burning liquid gold in contrast to his knit red scarf that’s much too big for him. It’s wrapped around him several times over, so that the lower part of his face is nearly covered. Kojiro figures he probably did that on purpose to cover his new braces, a feature of his face he has not grown accustomed to yet. Kaoru’s mother had pulled his now shoulder-length hair back while the two of them strapped their skates on, but it’s already coming a bit loose, small strands now falling down to frame his face.
Kojiro stands up, as tall as he can on shaky legs, placing a single foot out onto the ice. He doesn’t dare put any pressure on it yet. Kaoru makes it a point to yawn dramatically and pull out ahead, quickly doing another turn of the rink at lighting speed. By the time he comes around again he’s thought of more names and taunts for his friend.
“Y’know, I’m getting bored . You’re boring me. If you’re gonna be such a baby , go grab one of those .” Kaoru points, lazily, at a stack of large traffic cones resting against the cement wall behind Kojiro.
Despite himself, Kojiro feels his face getting hot. He’s always been envious of Kaoru in some way, ever since that day they first met and tussled. There’s always been something about the pink-haired kid that makes him hard for Kojiro to look away from. Even now, when he’s wrapped in bulky layers over knee and elbow pads that his mother insisted on, he’s graceful and poised. The way his friend is whip smart, persistent, and able to pick up just about any skill he puts his mind to is something Kojiro just cannot relate to. While there are always things that Kojiro can out-do him in: arm wrestling, telling jokes, opening jell-o packs, there are a million more things that Kaoru will be able to learn over time.
Kojiro keeps his head down, now desperately holding back tears.
There is a loud sigh, and a mittened hand is presented in front of his face. He glances up, puzzled.
“Hold on to my hands, then. You can be a weenie, but you’re coming with me.”
They’re able to make it around the entire rink once. Kaoru moves backwards at a snail pace as Kojiro grabs onto both of his hands for dear life. Kojiro knows he’s lucky that Kaoru’s hands are otherwise occupied, or else he’d be receiving a good flick to the ear each time he wobbles, nearly taking the other boy down with him each time. They pass Kaoru’s mother seated in the bleachers, she looks up passively from her knitting and gives them both a smile and a thumbs-up before continuing on. It’s probably another scarf or pair of mittens for Kaoru, and even though he finds them itchy and terrible, Kojiro knows Kaoru will wear them to make her happy, even if he never admits it.
“See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Kaoru grins back up at Kojiro as they pull back around to the entrance to the ice. The numerous near-stumbles from Kojiro have caused the scarf to shift so it’s resting below Kaoru’s mouth. Now his full face is on display, and the braces do nothing to detract from the grin that’s taken over. Kojiro doesn’t even realize that he’s staring.
“It was okay.” Kojiro mumbles.
“You wanna try one without me?”
Kojiro wimpers, suppressing the urge to beg his friend not to let go.
“How about I keep skating backwards? We don’t hold hands this time but I’ll be right here, and I can catch you if you fall.”
Kojiro sucks in a deep breath, drawing his back straight and willing his legs not to buckle. He nods, still unsure, but willing to put on a brave face.
He makes it about ten yards before there’s an issue. Up until this point he’s been using his dominant foot to push off, letting himself glide to a stop each time before working up the courage to shift his weight and repeat the process.
He goes to push off once more, but this time his foot catches on something. He can feel terror burrowing a hole through his stomach lining as he glances slightly behind him, where his right skate is now caught on the untied laces of his left one. His breath quickens, tiny chest now rapidly rising and falling as he realizes he has no idea how to amend the situation.
“What’s the matter with you?” Kaoru skates closer; he had been pulling ahead gradually as Kojiro had been showing improvement. His friend is too distressed to answer, so Kaoru asks again, “Did you get stuck on a nick in the ice? Cause if that’s all it is standing there looking stupid isn’t gonna fix it.”
Kojiro glares back up at him, but in the sudden movement loses his balance altogether just as his friend is back within arms length.
There’s a yelp, a thud, and the tell-tale swishing sound of winter coat zippers dragging across the surface of the ice as Kojiro topples over, bringing Kaoru down with him for real this time, their skulls clacking together on impact. The momentum from the fall causes both of them to slide, arms unintentionally wrapped around each other like insects caught in a web.
“You’re gonna crush me, stupid!” Kaoru exclaims as he shoves the larger boy off of him. Truly, it’s lucky they landed the way they did, if either of them had stuck out a limb to catch themselves, it could’ve easily resulted in a broken arm.
Kojiro takes stock of himself, relieved to find he is unharmed, aside from his left hip where it hit the ice. He’s been bruised before, nothing he can’t handle, but his relief soon turns to abject horror as he looks over to where Kaoru is dusting himself off. Trickling down from Kaoru’s lower lip is a blooming string of red, as thick and bright as the scarf he has on. It appears as though Kaoru sliced his lip open on his braces in the fall. But then Kojiro tastes iron in the back of his throat. His nose throbs, sharp and unexpected, and he glances down to see a tell tale drop of blood hit the surface of the ice.
The tears come from shock more than anything else, but soon devolve into sheer humiliation. He wants to stop, he had no intention of ruining a perfectly good outing, but attempts to suppress only lead to him gasping for air.
“Oh, stop it, you big baby,” Kaoru pushes himself up to his knees and then on to his stakes again, almost as if nothing happened. “It’s a bloody nose, let’s go.” He tugs at Kojiro’s coat sleeve. Kojiro doesn’t budge.
“Whubs habbening?” Kojiro blubbers, voice now slurred by the combination of tears, snot, and blood blocking his nose.
“A bloody nose? You’ve never had a bloody nose before?” Kaoru asks, more exasperated, tugging his friend’s coat sleeve once again in a feeble attempt to get him to stand.
They’re at an impasse. Kaoru needs him to move, Kojiro finds himself frozen to the spot. An unstoppable force and an immovable object, just as they’ve always been.
“We can fix it, you’re gonna be okay, we just need to get you off the ice,” Kaoru pleads, pulling at Kojiro’s arm and sweater “my mom can take you to our house, or we can call your mom, what does your mom usually do when you get hurt?”
“Kibs it bedder.”
Kojiro meant nothing by it. It was a joke, to make himself feel better if nothing else. But before either of them can blink, Kaoru’s bending over to peck him on the lips.
It’s less than a second, a fleeting compulsion, a gesture that no one thought through. It’s wet, and now flecks of blood from both of them are clinging to his lower lip. It’s gross, and yet it’s a balm to his troubled mind. The tears have stopped.
“There, did that help?” Kaoru is still gripping the collar of Kojiro’s sweater, balancing them both in their precarious position, always steadfast and sure when Kojiro is shaky and afraid.
…
Chicago, Illinois, December 2022
“Did you put your toothbrush in your carry-on?” Kojiro asks, breaking the easy silence the two of them have settled into over the past few minutes.
After a few moments with no reply, Kojiro glances over at the hotel bed opposite him, where his traveling companion lays motionless, waist-length hair that’s still wet strewn across the bedspread.
There’s a soft shuffle and a creak as Kojiro shifts off of the other bed, crossing to wrap an arm around his boyfriend, who as far as he knows has drifted off after their hectic travel day.
They don’t spend time in the states often, but when they do the layovers and red-eye flights that Kaoru always insists on taking tend to tire them both out thoroughly. It certainly hasn’t helped that they’re stuck in a hotel the one night they were supposed to be staying with Kaoru’s parents.
…
The second the cab pulled up to the hotel Kaoru was restless; pacing about the room and muttering about how upset his mom was going to be. Kojiro knew that all his poor boyfriend needs is a full night’s sleep, but before he can make the suggestion Kaoru practically rips his carryon bag open and riffles through it.
“Baby, are you okay? Did you leave your meds in the checked bag?”
“I’m fine .” Kaoru snapped, releasing a slow breath through his teeth and continuing his frantic search, pulling out his change of clothes. Kojiro could see his hands shaking. “ There they are” he sighed, quietly but still loud enough for Kojiro to hear. He spun around, tossing the item in his hand to the floor and frantically pulling his sweatshirt over his head.
“Kaoru, you brought your ice skates ?”
“Excellent observation skills.” Kaoru muttered, already pulling his hair up and fumbling towards the door.
“Where the hell are you going?”
“There’s a frozen pond outside, I need to get some air.”
…
The second he watched Kaoru fall through the ice, so too did his heart. Both were suddenly plunged into icy darkness.
Kaoru protested the whole time as Kojiro crawled on his stomach onto the ice. The water was barely deep enough to clear Kaoru’s hips, just high enough that he can’t pull himself out alone, not that he didn’t try- hairline fractures spreading across the ice as he tries to push himself up with both palms.
“Baby stay still, please. I’m coming.”
…
Kojiro wraps both arms around Kaoru’s waist, making note of how ice cold his hands are after the shower as their fingertips brush.
“Are you asleep?”
“No.” Kaoru croaks.
“Are you crying?”
“...No.”
“Look at me, please.”
There is a slight hesitation, but Kaoru rolls over to face him anyway. He’s always beautiful, but the way his eyes shine with tears will never fail to rip the air from Kojiro’s lungs. Kojiro’s heart is torn in two, pulled apart and raw from seeing the person he loves most, hurting. It isn’t just the blunder on the ice, there is something Kaoru isn’t telling him.
“Why did you bring your skates?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Bunny, I hate to see you so upset. I wish you would tell me why. I know your mobile Carla unit was in the checked bag, but it seems like there’s something else bothering you.”
“You aren’t responsible for my feelings, dummy. You can’t fix the past. I would never put that on you.”
“Okay, what can I do to help you right now?”
It’s the first time in the almost decade that they’ve known each other that Kaoru hasn’t had a specific demand, anything he wants Kojiro to bring him. The usual bag of tricks is out of reach, both literally and figuratively.
Kaoru breathes in through his nose, body shuddering as he does so. An anxiety breathing technique he falls back on when he doesn’t have Carla within reach. Kojiro pulls him in closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead, softening his rigid frame. Holding him tighter grounds them both. Kaoru finally summons the strength to speak.
“We were supposed to go skating with my mom’s family tomorrow. Since she moved to Tokyo with her new husband I haven’t gotten the chance to visit. Now that we’re stuck here for an extra night we’re only going to have time to drop in for dinner. Then I have to be at work with a client the next morning.”
“Could you reschedule with the client?” Kojiro begins running his fingers through Kaoru’s hair, stopping at the roots to squeeze gently, just the way Kaoru likes. A little more tension is released.
“I suppose I could, but I feel as though that would be a failure on my part. There are so many mistakes I made that got us here. I should’ve taken an earlier flight, I should’ve switched our trip to LA to the spring for our anniversary instead of the holidays, at every turn I failed and now I’m paying for it. The least I can do is suffer through and stay on schedule.”
Kojiro’s hand slows, his heart feels a sharp pain again, as if the forces pulling it apart earlier are now digging their claws in.
“Your suffering does nothing for them, Kaoru.”
“The past twenty six years of my life would seem to suggest otherwise.”
Kojiro feels a lump begin to form in his throat.
“What? Now you’re gonna cry, too?” Kaoru sniffles, leaning forward to press his forehead into Kojiro’s bare chest. His tone is playful but hollow. “You big baby, I’m going to be fine. I just wanted to go home for the holidays or whatever they say. I guess being a grown up takes that luxury away.”
“You still could.” Kojiro sniffs, burying his face in Kaoru’s hair, still smelling the lingering hints of his leave-in conditioner. Naturally he had to get into the shower following the icy plunge into the pond- but would never stoop so low as to use complimentary hotel hair products.
“I could still what?” Kaoru turns his face to the side, face cool against the warm expanse of Kojiro’s chest.
“Go home for the holidays.”
“What do you mean? You can’t be cryptic and sappy; it doesn't make sense.”
Kojiro rolls his eyes, reaching down to lift Kaoru’s chin so their eyes meet again.
“Move in with me.”
Kaoru’s eyes widen, suddenly as bright and open as the stars strewn about the night sky back on their island.
“What if I don’t want to.”
“I can respect that. But I think going home isn’t traveling to a place. It’s more of a feeling. And I know that I have that feeling when I’m with you.”
Kojiro lifts the pad of his finger to catch a single tear that falls from Kaoru’s left eye. Kaoru squeezes both eyes shut, suddenly embarrassed all over again, but he clings on to Kojiro’s hand. The easy silence speaks loud enough as he nods enthusiastically.
“I love you, Kaoru.”
“You’ve got another thing coming if you think I’m moving into that dingy bachelor pad with you.”
Kojiro snorts, simultaneously annoyed and so in love he’s feeling woozy.
“You really think I don’t know you, Blossom? I was planning on buying a place. It was supposed to be a surprise for our anniversary, but like you said, sometimes things don’t happen when they’re supposed to.”
“Hey, Koji.”
“Yes, amore mio?”
“I love you, too.”