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At that moment, the coach made the right choice for the team. The results would be beneficial for everyone and we could almost attempt to live up to the third years.
But at that moment, it didn't feel like the right choice.
Everything was barely holding together, nothing felt right.
The third years were gone and somehow I was supposed to follow in their legacy? I didn’t think about how the change would affect the team. A new captain, a new Ace, a new team.
Everyone was trying their hardest. He would pitch and pitch and pitch, taking up most of my time and I started to forget about my position as captain and I started to focus all my attention on the wrong person.
Our battery will be useful, it will be strong, but it doesn't feel right. Its uncomfortable, unnatural, forced. It took me too long to realize why I was feeling this way.
It wasn't you.
You weren't the one standing on the mound, with that cocky grin on your face, eyes burning with determination that I grew to expect.
I snapped out of my daze then, but I was too late.
Things were quiet, something wasn't right, and then I saw you.
I saw you and I wanted to cry, because I had left you.
Have you ever seen a corpse? Or the face of a boy who had been forced to give up? Looking at you I couldn't tell the difference between the two.
I started to hear the others talk, and when I heard what they said I felt sick. How dare they doubt you. Why do you listen to them? Its not true. Its not true. Cant you see that!
I wanted to scream and tell you to just listen to me and only me because I knew your potential.
I knew your potential yet I lost sight of you. Would you forgive me? Would you listen to me? or would the voiced in your head drown me out?
What were they saying? Can you shut them down? Can you fight them? Can I fight them?
Can I be the one to help you through this?
At that moment I didn't care about baseball, or being the captain of this team. All I cared about was you and all I thought about was you until I became consumed by you and I broke.
I needed you to be okay and in my arms and happy. I needed you back in my life.
And I needed you to know I was sorry I let it go this far.
Please forgive me.
I saw you leave practice, watched your body disappear into the background. I should have ran, gone after you, took you by the arms and made you look at me and tell you that I'm still here. Im still here.
But I didn't and I let you run off by yourself because I chose the team over you. And I'm so sorry, because there is no team without you.
Im sorry because Im the one who let you down after everything that happened.
And then I finally went after you.
It was late, it was cold, and I had to find you. No. I needed to find you.
You weren't anywhere I looked. Not your room, the showers, the cafeteria, team room. You were gone, and I panicked and ran and ran until I heard laughter. Forced, hysteric laughter and it got louder and louder until the voice got rough and the sound was so painful and I was so scared.
And then I found you, slumped against a bending machine in hysterics, dry heaving because you couldn't laugh and crying at the same time.
This was my fault. I should have come after you. I should have been there for you.
But its all come down to this and I could do nothing but wrap you in my arms and try and tell you how much you meant to me but I knew you couldn't hear me, but i kept talking and holding you until those horrible sounds you were making stopped and I realized you had fallen asleep.
I brought you to my room, tucked you in, and then I slept on the end of the bed, just incase you woke up.
But when morning came, and you hadn't moved, I let you sleep even though we had school. I had to tell the coach you had caught a cold so you couldn't go to class. He bought it, I think. But I still had to go, I couldn't stay and watch over you, make sure you were okay.
So I left you, and convinced everyone that everything was fine, when I was slowly breaking down inside. I was scared because I couldn't lose you and I was scared because I cared so much. I was scared because it was you.
I was feeling so many emotions that when my day was finally done and I could see you again I broke as soon as I stepped in the room and I don’t think I made coherent sense.
I yelled, I cried, and I kept asking why. Why wouldn't you come to me? Why did I not see? Why couldn't I realize you were hurting?
Why did it end up this way?
You sitting in my bed hurt, lost, and confused, battling the darkness in your mind and me sitting on the floor of my room sobbing into my hands out of frustration with myself and my inability to help you when you needed it.
I try to tell you to listen to me, to really look at me not just stare blankly like a hollow shell.
I tell you I am your captain, as if that would do anything. You just sat there as if you couldn't hear my words.
I get up, shaking and feeling weak, and reach out to you, to pull you close. I needed you close, to feel the heat of your body and the steady beat of your pulse to let me know that you were there in that sense.
I needed to make sure that you knew that I would stay by your side and I told you in a way that I hoped would get through to you.
“I will coach you.”
I left the room then. I was scared to hear your answer, if you even had one.
I needed to tell the coach my plan, he approved, and then I went back to take you to practice.
You hadn't moved. I could stand to see you like this. So fragile, so unlike you.
Can you come back to me?
I had so much to tell you, so many feelings to share with you.
And once again the emotions became too much and I think I screamed and you looked in so much pain and then you got up and got dressed.
Im so sorry. I hurt you again. Please forgive me. Please.
And in my panic, I didn't see you walk up to me, waiting patiently for me to walk out the door. I could see your eyes now. They looked so tired, so hopeless, so dead.
I wanted to smooth out the black circles and bring life back into your beautiful face.
Come back to me.
We go to the field and you carefully pick up the ball. I can see you panic, eyes shining with tears, face tense with a type of pain I could never imagine.
I ready my stance as I see you grow tenser and tenser and then you explode. You throw with all the strength you have and let out a scream so loud that I thought you're back, you came back but it was gone when the ball hit my glove.
I had lost you again.
Pitch, I tell you. Pitch again, again, again, and again until its late and we are both panting hard.
You pitch and I catch for weeks, and I can see you wake up. You still have your moments and it still so painful for you but you are slowly coming back to me.
I don’t know if you realize why Im doing this. I am your Captain but you are much more than a teammate to me. I care about you so much, yet I can't express it in any other form besides this?
I couldn’t even stop the others hard stares towards you, or their doubtful words, I was useless and you took it all and let it out with your pitches.
Why can't I just take your pain?
You don’t deserve this. Im so sorry.
I can only tell you to pitch for me, to let me be your catcher.
You are my Ace. I don’t care about the number on your back or the number on his. This is our battery.
This is natural.
This is us.
And then it all happened at once.
The last inning. The most crucial time with a tied score.
Your name is called by the announcer.
You're supposed to pitch.
He is out and the other pitcher is injured. You're the only other option.
Just one more out and we win.
One more.
One.
And I see you freeze on the mound. And I can't do anything but stare, trying to tell you how proud I am, how much I believe in you, how much I care about you, through my gaze.
But its not working, you are in pain again.
So I call out to you.
I say your name. And then I say it again, and again until you look at me.
And for once you actually look at me.
And I cant see the determination in those eyes. The eyes I love so much.
And suddenly you're back, and your face explodes with life and I want to cry because you came back to me.
Your movements speak to me, telling me everything I wanted to hear.
You let everything build up in that pitch and when you released I hear everything, I felt your pain, and then I watched the words disappear into the background and you were back.
When the ball hits my glove, its hard thud was my confession to you. It amplified my feelings and my heart, letting you know how much I cared about you.
As the crowd screamed for us, I focused all my energy on you.
Walking up to the mound, I give you my signature grin, making sure my eyes spoke for me.
You shut your eyes and I see the pain rush back and I reach out for you, I need you to know I'm there.
When your eyes open, I make sure my eyes are the first thing you see.
And you take in my gaze and speak to me.
And I respond the only way I can.
“You’ve finally come back to me.”