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Chuuya's been stressed lately, he hid it well but Dazai could tell. The redhead wasn't getting home until late if he even made it home. When he actually tried to sleep he kept tossing and turning. It almost seemed like he was having nightmares, despite the fact he couldn't dream.
Dazai was worried, to say the least.
His husband was obviously overworked, he wasn't sure exactly what was going on at the Mafia. They didn't share details of their work lives with each other, to keep the peace. But whatever it was, it was really bothering him.
Dazai dropped the book that he was reading onto the bed and reached out a hand to grab Chuuya by the arm before he inevitably rolled off the side of the bed. Chuuya's eyes shot open immediately at the contact, usually he could sleep through Dazai touching him. It was strange and further proved Dazai's point that something was wrong.
"What time is it?" Chuuya asked, his voice soft and raspy.
"It's a little past six. You can go back to sleep." Dazai said, rubbing circles on Chuuya's arm with his thumb.
"Did I wake you up?" He asked, of course, Chuuya was still worrying about him, he should be worrying about himself instead.
"No. I've been up, I found a really good book that I just can't put down." Dazai smiled, it wasn't all a lie. He really did find a really good book, only the reason why he wasn't asleep wasn't because of the book. That could wait, he was too busy making sure Chuuya didn't give himself head trauma by falling off their bed.
"You should go to sleep." Chuuya said, grabbing Dazai's wrist and pulling him down until he was laying with his arm around the redhead. "You've looked tired lately."
"I have to be at work in a few hours. We have an important case." Dazai argued.
"A few hours of sleep is better than nothing." Chuuya turned around to face him when all Dazai did was give him a skeptical look Chuuya pulled out the big guns. "Please? For me?" He asked with a pout.
"Fine." Dazai relented, Chuuya grinned before burying his head in Dazai's chest.
"Thank you." He murmured, voice muffled by Dazai's shirt. Dazai ran his hand through Chuuya's hair soothingly, lost in thought. Chuuya needed a vacation, desperately. He's been working constantly since he was fifteen. If you counted the sheep he's been practically on the go since he came out of that government facility all those years ago. The most of a break he ever got was hospital stays after corruption, and that could hardly be called a break.
But the Mafia didn't exactly do vacations, they made their employees do taxes but apparently, they drew the line at taking a damn break for once. What bullshit.
Their anniversary was coming up soon, it's been almost three years since they got married. They never did have a chance to take a honeymoon, and Chuuya's been saying he wants to go to France sometime when he's not occupied with a mission.
But the question was, how could he get Chuuya the vacation he deserved? He couldn't bribe Mori, that man only wanted one thing and Dazai was never going to give in to his demands. Blackmail wouldn't work either.
Dazai glanced at the book that was still sitting on his bed, Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare.
That's when the best idea he's ever had came to mind.
They could fake their deaths, the mafia would believe they were dead so they couldn't exactly force Chuuya to work, and Chuuya could get the break he needs. The problem was, how was he going to convince him? Chuuya would never agree to the plan if he knew Dazai's reasoning for it.
But if Dazai said they were doing it for the life insurance money, it wouldn't seem out of the ordinary. He's already done this twice after all. Plus if they got the life insurance money then Chuuya wouldn't have to spend the money he was saving for his fancy wine.
It was a genius plan, the only thing he had to do was execute it without Chuuya catching on.
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"What are the steps in identifying a person as legally dead?" Dazai asked Ango the next day at Lupin.
"Where's this coming from?" Ango asked suspiciously. Over the last year and a half, their relationship was almost back to the way it was, but there was still a lot of lingering resentment, on both parts, not just Dazai's. Ango was bitter that Dazai guilt-tripped for as long as he did, a part of Dazai still blamed him for Odasaku's death too. But they still met at Lupin at least once a week, neither of them told the other they were there, they just happened to show up at the same time. It became almost routine, just like old times.
"Chuuya's overworked, he needs a vacation. But he can't exactly take one." Dazai sighed, resting his head on the bar counter.
"So I'm guessing you're way of fixing this is faking your death? How are you going to do that?" Ango asked, he didn't sound shocked at all. He must have gotten used to Dazai after all of the years.
"That's why I asked you what the steps are. Do you need a body, or can you make a call just based on evidence?"
"It depends on the situation." Ango said vaguely as he took a sip of his drink. "What's your plan?"
"If Chuuya was able to get a solo infiltration mission, which I'm sure he could, I was going to ask him to make it look like he got ambushed and had to use corruption if there's evidence they won't even try to look for a body. After hearing the news about my dear husband's death I'm so distraught that I write a suicide note and leave it in the apartment, they won't find my body but they'll assume I'm dead." Dazai recited the plan easily. Even after Chuuya told him too he never actually went to sleep last night, the cogs in his brain wouldn't stop turning.
"Even if no bodies are found you'll both be considered dead then. The government doesn't really care about Chuuya, he's a threat. They'll be glad he's dead." Dazai tried to hide the way the statement made his blood boil but he must not have done a good job because Ango gave him a softer look. "I don't agree with them, don't worry. I used to, but after he saved you from Shibusawa I realized he was more than an artificial being with an uncontrollable ability. Anyways, as for you. I'm sure everyone in the agency can attest to your suicidal tendencies so it will match up."
"And if we show up, later on, alive and well?" Dazai asked.
"We'll label it a miscalculation." Ango shrugged. "Where are you guys planning on going?"
"France, Chuuya's always wanted to go. He's been there a few times for missions but never for leisure. He even speaks fluent french! When he first joined the mafia I had to help him with a lot of reports since he never learned how to read. But he picked up French like it was nothing! I was thinking about bringing it up as a late honeymoon." Dazai said, picking up his head and taking a sip of his drink.
"You know Nakahara's a workaholic though, how are you going to convince him to go along with it?"
"He always goes along with my weird plans, I'm not sure why. I figured I'd propose it as a plan to get the life insurance money."
"And you think he'll go along with that?"
"It's not the craziest thing I've proposed so far, I think adopting a child was stranger than this and he went along with it."
"Hm, true. I think Nakahara's the only person who would ever put up with your schemes, It seems like you found yourself a man that really cares for you. I never thought I'd say it either but it seems like Nakahara got lucky with you too, you're going through all of this for his sake after all."
"I wouldn't necessarily say he got lucky, but I do care about him more than I've cared about anyone before."
"You'll have to let me know how it turns out." Ango said, standing up and leaving the money for his drink on the counter. "Or I guess I'll find out if I see your obituary anywhere. I wish you good luck." Ango said with a dip of his head.
"Thanks, Ango." Dazai said a smile on his face. The other man didn't catch it, he was already walking up the stairs that led out of the bar.
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"Whatcha looking at?" It was a rare day, Chuuya was home on time and he seemed in a relatively better mood than he had been in the last few months.
"You." Dazai replied shamelessly.
"Hm? Do you like what you see?" Chuuya asked, leaning across the couch towards Dazai.
"I very much do." Dazai hummed, leaning in towards Chuuya as well. Right before their lips met Dazai placed his hand over Chuuya's mouth. Chuuya looked slightly confused and disappointed. Dazai almost felt bad, Chuuya's been too busy to do anything with him lately. Dazai missed it as much as Chuuya did, maybe more. But he wanted to talk about this first, while they had time.
"I need to talk to you." That must have been the wrong word choice because Chuuya went pale almost immediately. "Nothing bad I promise." He backtracked quickly.
"Is this another one of your schemes?" Chuuya asked, forcibly pulling Dazai's hand away from his mouth.
"If you don't want to do it I won't force you." He didn't think he forced Chuuya into the last two but he wasn't sure. He had a habit of overthinking Chuuya's every action, which made it hard to read him. But Chuuya was practically an open book. He was always upfront about his emotions, unlike Dazai. If he didn't like something he would have said it. But Dazai couldn't help but think of the worst-case scenario.
"You can't force me to do anything." Chuuya dismissed, and he used his previous position to lie down on Dazai's lap. It seemed like if he wasn't getting a kiss he was settling for using Dazai's thighs as a pillow. "Go on, I'll listen."
"We should fake our deaths, we can collect the insurance money and use it to go on a honeymoon. It's long overdue."
"Mori won't give me time off work." Chuuya argued.
"Fake our deaths, remember?" Dazai asked, lightly flicking him on the forehead. Chuuya scowled up at him.
"We can't just up and quit our jobs Dazai."
"We're not quitting, just taking a leave of absence. I already have a plan, you just have to trust me." When Chuuya still looked skeptical Dazai pouted. "You do trust me right Chuuya?"
"I do." Chuuya sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Fine, what's your stupid ass plan?"
"Well, I got the idea from a book." Dazai started, he grabbed said book off the coffee table and showed Chuuya the cover.
"Are you fucking serious? Why are you reading Romeo and Juliet of all things?" Chuuya asked.
"It's a beautiful tale about a double suicide! Of course I'd read it!" Dazai said happily.
"So you're saying you want to stage a double suicide with me?" Chuuya grinned, knowing exactly what he was doing. Dazai's expression soured.
"This is different."
"Uh-huh, sure. How is it different?" Chuuya asked, Dazai faltered. It was practically a double suicide, he almost wanted to cancel his plan but he was doing this for Chuuya. Chuuya took care of him at his worst all the time, he could do the same for him.
"Because it's not real." Dazai said with full confidence. He expected Chuuya to tease him more, but the redhead didn't. Instead, he started laughing, loud and unrestrained. "Stop making fun of me!" Dazai exclaimed, whiny. But he was still smiling.
"Fine, Fine. I'll go along with your stupid plan." Chuuya relented, there were tears in the corners of his eyes. "Where did you want to go? On the honeymoon that is."
"France." Dazai said without fail. Chuuya looked surprised before his eyes softened.
"You're just saying that because you know that's where I would want to go. Really where do you want to go?"
"I'm being serious. I've always thought about going since you first started talking about it. Anywhere would be fun with Chuuya though." Dazai said with a small smile. Red crept up onto Chuuya's face.
"Stop being sappy. It's disgusting." He said turning his face away.
"Hm, no I think you like it." Dazai argued, he reached out his hand and lightly grasped ahold of Chuuya's face, turning it back towards him. "Do you want to continue where we left off?" He asked, Chuuya's grin came back.
"Hell yeah." He said before he moved up to meet Dazai's lips with his own.
It felt like coming home.
----------
"We need someone to will all our assets too so we won't lose them." Dazai said later that night. He was sitting a the kitchen table, in nothing but boxers, ass still pleasantly sore from Chuuya's earlier enthusiasm. Chuuya hummed in achnoweldgement. He was busying himself with making dinner, a little late but still appreciated. "I think Atsushi would do a good job."
"That's a lot of pressure for a kid."
"I'd feel worse letting him think I was dead. Besides I'm sure he'll be fine." Dazai waved a dismissive hand. Chuuya hummed again before he turned around. He leaned up against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest.
"How do you want to do this?" He asked, Dazai registered he was talking but not the words he was saying. He was too busy focusing on Chuuya's abs which were now he full view since he was also only wearing boxers. "Oi dumbass eyes up here." Chuuya called again.
"Hm? What'd you say?" Dazai asked, grinning.
"I asked how you wanted to do this." Chuuya repeated, rolling his eyes.
"You're going to die on a solo mission, try to make it look like you used corruption. The mafia grunts probably won't bother looking for a body." Chuuya nodded. "Feeling guilty about not being there for you in a time of need, I'm going to leave a suicide note in the house. Someone from the agency will probably find it after I don't show up for a while, most likely Kunikida, and he'll automatically assume i threw myself into a river somewhere."
"It sounds like a pain in the ass just for a honeymoon."
"But we deserve a honeymoon." Dazai whined.
"I think you just want to fuck with Kunikida again." Dazai's grin was a confirmation. That was a pleasant side effect of his plan. "You're gonna have to lay off the poor guy after this. I think you might actually give him a heart attack one of these days."
"Fine, fine. After this, I'll lay off." Dazai promised. He really didn't think he could come up with a better plan after this anyways.
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"Atsushi I have a favor to ask you." Dazai said, deathly serious. His mentee looked over at him, his expression looked worried.
"What is it?" He asked hurriedly.
"I need you to take care of Chuuya's wealth and our house while we're gone."
"Gone? Where are you going?" Atsushi asked confused.
"We're going to fake our deaths!" Dazai said ecstatically. He didn't have to worry about anyone overhearing, they were walking back after a case after all.
"Why?" Atsushi asked confused.
"Chibi needs a vacation." Dazai explained as if that explained anything. But Atsushi still didn't question him.
"This sounds like a terrible idea." Atsushi said as if that would stop his mentor in any way.
"It'll be fine." Dazai dismissed. "I just need you to watch things for a bit, and not tell anyone. You're the only one I trust to do this." Dazai added, just to sweeten the deal a little bit.
"Okay. I'll do it." Atsushi gave in pretty easily.
"I knew you were my favorite!" Dazai exclaimed, the tips of Atsushi's ears turned red, the only indication he was flustered.
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Dazai told Chuuya to enact their plan whenever he found a good time for it, but it was still jarring to see Mori calling his phone. He wasn't sure why he hadn't blocked the man years ago but at least it came in handy now.
"Hello?" He answered, the few people that were in the agency looked up at the cold tone of his voice.
"Dazai, I have some terrible news for you." Mori stated, he didn't exactly sound like someone that was breaking bad news. "Chuuya got into an incident on his latest mission, we believe he got ambushed and had no choice but to activate corruption." Dazai was silent so he continued on. "We haven't found the body, but since you weren't there to stop him-" That was obviously supposed to be a jab at Dazai and he had to grit his teeth to stop himself from snapping. "Chuuya's been assumed deceased, I'm sorry for your loss." He didn't sound sorry whatsoever. "But now we do have two executive positions if you want to come ba-" Dazai didn't wait for him to finish, he hung up the phone.
"Who was that?" Yosano asked, she looked kind of concerned.
"Scam caller, I have to go." Dazai answered, he didn't wait for her to respond before he was walking out the door. Every interaction he had with Mori pissed him off to no end.
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He didn't remember the walk home, the next thing he knew he was back in their new apartment, furiously writing words on a piece of paper. The lead of the pencil appeared dark against the white because of how hard he was pressing the lead into it.
Arms gently wrapped around his shoulders from behind, encasing him in warmth.
"What happened Osamu?" Chuuya rarely ever called him by his first name. Dazai must not look as composed as he thought he was.
"Fucking Mori." He cursed, put the pencil down, and leaned back into Chuuya's arms. "He tried to guilt trip me for your death, and then he tried to get me to join the mafia."
"I'm sorry." Chuuya said, giving him a small kiss on the top of his head. It wasn't even his fault at all.
"I don't know how you can still work under him." Dazai sighed, and all the tension in his body melted away.
"He doesn't really bother me, I think it's mainly you that he has a problem with."
"Of course he has a problem with me. He wanted me to take over the mafia and I just left." Dazai groaned.
"Let's not worry about that, let's just enjoy our honeymoon eh?" Chuuya asked, letting go of him.
"You're right. We're dead we're not supposed to be worrying about work." Dazai smiled. "Let me finish writing this and then we can start packing."
"What are you writing?" Chuuya asked.
"Suicide note." Dazai answered, he grabbed a new piece of paper and set to work.
"Yeah I know, What exactly are you writing?" Chuuya called, he had most likely moved to the bathroom now. Packing up their essentials.
"Oh. It's going to be short and sweet. I couldn't live without you so I decided to throw myself off a bridge. Atsushi gets everything." Dazai said while scribbling away at the paper.
"That's kind of lackluster." Chuuya called.
"Once you've written one suicide note you've written them all." Dazai dismissed.
"I'm gonna pretend you never said that." Chuuya shot back.
"I haven't written any recently if that makes you feel better." Dazai replied, finishing the note with his signature.
"That does make me feel better." Chuuya's voice seemed closer before his head was laying on Dazai's shoulder, looking over the note.
"Seem believable enough?" He asked.
"Hm. Good enough. With as much as you talk about it, i think you wouldn't even have to leave a note."
"True. I'll help you pack now." Dazai said, turning his head so he could give a small kiss on Chuuya's cheek.
"You better."
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It had been over a month now, and Atsushi was starting to grow restless. Was Dazai ever coming back? Was he going to have to keep this a secret from everyone forever? There were occasional updates from his mentor. But updates weren't the best words for them, they were mainly pictures of tourist attractions, a few of him and Chuuya too. Chuuya looked so happy in the pictures, and so did Dazai he's never seen that look on his mentor's face. He almost felt bad about hoping they came back soon.
His saving grace came in the form of the door being kicked open.
Dazai walks in, a massive grin on his face. He isn't wearing his usual outfit, instead, he's wearing a soft-looking blue turtleneck and black jeans.
"I brought souvenirs!" He called out excitedly, ignoring the stunned looks around the office, there was the sound of loud snickering coming from Ranpo's desk.
"You're dead?!" Kunikida managed to gasp out.
"I'm very much not dead." Dazai corrected, dropping a postcard on Kunikida's desk.
"Dazai! What the hell!" Kunikida exclaimed, his entire face was red. Dazai had really done it this time.
"Chuuya and I took a late honeymoon." Dazai explained, grinning ear to ear.
"Isn't Nakahara dead too?" Kunikida asked, Atsushi wondered if he might actually have a heart attack this time.
"Nope!" Dazai said, popping the P. That must have been the last straw, Kunikida made a move towards Dazai but Atsushi practically launched himself across the office to hold him back.
"It's not worth the jail time!" He wailed as Kunikida tried to struggle out of his grasp. Meanwhile, Dazai laughed, enjoying the suffering he's caused.
It was his last scheme, he should enjoy it after all.