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Melissa had never cared about Julian.
At least, not more than she would about any new guy tagging along with their little band of runaways. Yin, the easily impressed one, had already started liking Julian. Xavier? Well, he was the one who brought Julian in, so of course he liked him. But not Melissa. Among the three of them, she believed she was the most indifferent to Julian’s presence.
What could she say? She wasn’t too fond of quiet people, never knowing what to do with them, and Julian was practically mute. He never said a word voluntarily, and their attempts at conversation were often met with grunts, nods, or silence so heavy they had to piece together answers on their own. It was cute at first, but the novelty wore off fast. Melissa was not one for breaking someone’s walls. If they didn’t want to be approached, then so be it. She never saw the point of even trying.
So she put Julian's personality between "soulless robot" and "brainwashed soldier" and called it a day.
Until she woke up in the dead of night to a strange sound.
Xavier was away, gathering what he called "intel," while Yin—who was supposed to be on watch—was fast asleep. His breath was steady, his eyes fluttering, and his limbs twitching like they were running a marathon in his dreams. Nothing new. Yin’s dreams always seemed to be packed with adventure.
The strange sound… came from Julian.
Now, that’s unusual.
Melissa took a closer look to see how he’s doing. Julian was shuffling in his sleep, his posture crouched, brows furrowed, jaws clenched, and his breath was racing, like he was struggling to breathe. For the first time since Julian joined their strange group, Melissa saw raw emotion etched on his face.
She took another step to approach him, but that one movement quickly gained a response from him. Julian's eyes snapped open, with one hand swiftly grasping his chain and the other resting on the handle of his knife, poised to attack her at a moment’s notice.
The girl quickly raised her hands in surrender sign. "Whoa, chillax, dude," Melissa said. "It’s me! It’s not like I'm gonna murder you in your sleep or anything."
Upon realizing who she was, Julian relaxed his stance, lowering his weapon, and sat back to where he was lying on the ground.
She usually would shrug it off and go back to sleep, but she felt like she’d be wide awake until morning, so she tried to talk to him.
“Nightmare?” she asked off-handedly.
Melissa expected a grunt or total silence to her question. But to her surprise, Julian huffed and spoke.
"Often," he said. His breath was short, and his voice hoarse from misuse. "Used… to it."
Melissa raised her brows, surprised at how open Julian was compared to usual. Perhaps his mind was still jumbled from the nightmare he was experiencing, or perhaps the world was flipped into chaos while she slept, and pigs could now fly.
Because wow, where’s that small talk coming from? Where’s his dismissive grunt?
"Oh," she found herself responding to his word, and in that short second, she decided to play along and try her luck. What’s the harm? She can’t go back to sleep, and she had nothing better to do anyway. "Wanna talk about it?"
A long pause, then Julian shook his head. He placed his hand on his chest. “... my turn... to keep watch,” he said, his words short and broken, as usual. "Go... to sleep."
There it is again. The Famous Great Wall of Julian . He turned his back to her and stared into the empty desert stretching out before them. The horizon held nothing but the faint outline of the small town where Xavier had gone.
Julian looked calm and quiet, as usual. But from his rigid posture, Melissa could tell he was still uneasy from whatever he saw in his nightmare.
He tossed his body so his back faced Melissa, pretending to go back to sleep. But from his rigid posture, Melissa knew that he was only pretending.
Melissa knew that it was hard to calm down after a nightmare. Not without comfort, at least. And Julian looked like the last person on earth to know anything about comfort. From how he curled himself like a ball, she knew that Julian must have been so used to suppressing bad feelings before he could even name them. She would call it robotic any other day, but today, with the quiet night bringing the air of melancholy, Melissa decided to sympathize.
Julian would react weirdly again if she attempted to approach him. So instead, she threw one of her dolls to him, to which Julian responded by catching it, even without looking.
Melissa whistled. "Nice catch."
Julian turned his body so that he was half-facing Melissa, staring at her with questions.
“Her name’s Muddles. You can have her for tonight. You know… for comfort.”
And because Julian still stared at her like she was growing another arm on her head, and because she felt slightly nervous about offering Julian comfort, she decided to add, even though she was unsure if Julian would understand.
“When I was little, I often had nightmares, too. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up in the slums. My mom usually offered me a hug whenever I woke up scared. But when she got so sick and her health declined, she sewed this doll for me to hug in her place so I could still feel comfort and fall back to sleep whenever I had a nightmare. So I won’t feel less alone when she’s gone.”
A beat of silence still felt too strange, still. So Melissa decided to just continue talking.
"Maybe you can try that too, you know. Hug Muddles. It's not weird, or unmanly or anything; I won’t judge, I promise. And we can always kick Yin’s butt if he ever laughs or fusses about it. So go on, try it. Thank me later or whatever."
A pause, still. But this time, Julian shifts.
He stared at Muddles, then at her, and then back to Muddles, looking so confused that Melissa actually pitied him.
Julian was incapable of comprehending even a symbolic act of comfort. He looked completely at a loss, so touch-starved and so emotionally behind that perhaps right now he was wondering how a ragdoll could help him.
"Mother… not a doll," Julian said.
Yep, just as she thought.
"No, definitely not."
"Doll… cold."
"Well you're… not wrong," Melissa sighed.
The unspoken question hung in the air, and Melissa looked up at the night sky. It was dark blue instead of pitch black, and the stars were sparkling so brightly that she considered it a good sign.
Perhaps this is the night when monumental changes happen and a new friendship is born or such.
Fine, she would push her luck, whatever. Julian is practically mute anyway. Even if it goes south, he wouldn't bring it up to Xavier or Yin and embarrass them both with the idea she would speak in 3… 2.. 1…
“Or, you know, we can hug,” she said. “I can hug you, like mom used to hug me. If you want to, of course. No pressure! it's not like I'm gonna cry if you refuse me or anything."
Melissa watched how Julian's face changed. It was small, she could miss it if she blinks. But because she was watching him very closely, she could see that Julian actually… did not object to her idea.
He was sitting still, not saying a word. His scarlet eyes were staring at nothing, but she could see that it was full of longing and confusion about something that perhaps he could not quite name.
So she decided to help him. "Missing your mom too?"
Julian shifted his eyes back to her, staring. Then he shook his head. "Can't… remember."
Melissa did not even think again when she said, "Want me to help you remember? You know, they say sometimes you need physical contact to help recall memories… ugh, why are you making this weird? I'll just do it."
Julian did not answer, and Melissa did not wait for it anyway because Julian would never give any.
She got up from her seat, approached him, and sat next to him. She felt awkward and unsure what to do as she tried to circle her arms around his shoulders. Julian did not help make her case easier, too. He still sat there, stiff and unresponsive like a red, scary log. But he did not pull himself away, despite her intruding in his personal space.
"Look, I know that you may not like this, and you’re free to push away if you wish. But please do it gently, and don’t use your assassin powers or whatever, okay? Remember, I’m just a weak lil’ tailor.”
Julian did not move, his eyes searching something in Melissa's face as she tried to make herself comfortable next to him. Melissa circled her arms around Julian's broad shoulder in a feathery touch, which enabled her to pull her hands away if Julian did not like it.
For a while, Julian remained passive. Melissa tilted her head a little and was slightly surprised by how close Julian's face was.
He was usually a cold, impassive robot. A brainwashed soldier that had nothing left in his mind but a program to follow orders. A bird of a flock, unable to decide his own path. But from up close, only Melissa could see that Julian had so many emotions playing out on his face beneath the stoic mask. His eyes had so much vivid and lively depth instead of the endless abyss she thought they were.
From up close, he looks… human.
Melissa finally understood the layers of his emotions. It’s not that he did not have any, but he did not know how he feels. They must have taken his ability to understand how he feels, perhaps even teaching him how useless feelings are, how important it is to discard them.
Still, all those cruel trainings in that Assassin’s Training Camp could not take Julian’s ability to feel .
Because despite his indifference to almost everything that has nothing to do with his mission, Julian still ends up with them on his own free will. Despite being taught to follow orders by the letter and ignore his desire, he is still able to follow his heart to seek for his remaining family.
Julian is not emotionless. He was not even a cold-hearted person. It’s just that his warmth was buried so far deep inside him, under a heavy layer of cold loneliness that he did not know how to melt.
Julian is not a robot, nor is he a brainless soldier.
He is just a boy void of a home to place those emotions in.
A wave of feelings suddenly burst inside Melissa. He hugged him tighter and buried her face to the side of his jaw till they were close enough to feel each other's heartbeat and count each other's breath. She patted Julian’s other shoulder with her hand, trying to soothe him, and wordlessly encouraged him that it’s okay to feel .
Julian did not move. He did not attempt to hug her back. He was still lying stiff, unsure of what to do.
So Melissa took it upon herself to grab Julian's hand, placing it on her waist.
"It's okay; you can hug me back like this. Just like what I did," she said, her voice only a tone louder than a whisper. A wave of emotions managed to seep through her voice, and Melissa hoped that Julian took it as actual sympathy instead of a hollow pity. "Just… don't overdo it so that my organs would burst or something."
Julian did not laugh at her humor. Not that she expected him to, considering his difficulties in processing feelings. But he did press himself closer to Melissa, breath escaping from his mouth as he curled against her, resting his head on her shoulder.
And perhaps he finally remembered how it feels to be comforted or to hug someone else because then Melissa did not have to guide him anymore. He gathered her in his arms, with the obvious relief washing over him.
Strange. Not five minutes ago, Melissa felt like Julian was nothing but an intruder to their band of runaways. And yet, now with how they embraced each other, she could feel their bodies were so compatible in an odd way, like two shattered glasses from different vases that still managed to complete each other so perfectly.
Melissa could feel how such a small gesture as an awkward hug could throw away the last strands of doubt, confusion, and restlessness from Julian. His hold on her firm, his breath slowly evened out as he allowed himself to succumb to the warmth of her comfort.
She could be wrong, but given how Julian held her, she thought that perhaps Julian had named the foreign feeling he felt, made peace with it, and relieved himself from its unbearable weight that had burdened him for so long.
He let out a sigh that sounded like a relief, like a lost ship finally finding a harbor.
A harbor is a far cry from a home . But at least it’s a small start for Julian to heal to rediscover emotions again, to learn to name them, understand them, and finally, allow himself to feel them again.
So that maybe he could regain his true self and could drift away from the killing machine he was taught to be, or the brainless soldier Melissa saw him as.
Melissa could feel a smile stretched on her lips. She did not understand why she felt so overjoyed. It's just a hug; an awkward one at that.
Perhaps because it made her remember the reason she was still alive in the first place: to sew people back together and patch them up so they would not feel like they were broken anymore.
And as she does that, maybe she could feel a little less broken too.