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“Okay, let’s talk first,” Eddie said. He was looking at Steve calmly, steady.
“Okay.” Steve figured this would happen. Eddie loved to talk things out, whereas Steve was used to just moving past things, trying not to look at them too closely. Frankly, the more time he spent with Eddie, the more Steve preferred the care and share method.
“You smoked before all the Russian shit, right? Toked up at all those big ‘King Steve’ parties?” Eddie’s tone was teasing, allowing Steve to not feel any of the shame usually attached to those memories.
“Yeah Eddie, I smoked before.” Steve huffed a little laugh, rolled his eyes at him. “I wouldn’t say I was a stoner or anything, but I smoked plenty back then.”
Eddie nodded, seemingly satisfied with this answer. “Okay, good. That’s great.” He turned to face Steve more fully, a more serious, intent look settling over his face. “What was it like for you? How did you feel?”
“Like, physically?” Another nod from Eddie, curls bouncing a little with the movement.
“Any way. Physically, emotionally, whatever.”
Steve felt a little more than ridiculous breaking down his experiences with marijuana step by step. Normal people smoked all the time. Fuck, Eddie used to sell Ketamine, before Hawkins put a target on his back. Had most likely done it himself. Yet here Steve was stressing about a little grass.
“Uh, I don’t know,” Steve was going to try anyway. Would do a lot for his group of misfits, including making a fool of himself. “Relaxed, I guess. Kinda fuzzy. Sometimes it would make everything seem funny. My head and body would be all buzzing.”
Eddie was nodding along with Steve, like he felt all those things too. “And with the Russians? What did that feel like?”
At that, Steve had to look away from those wide, earnest eyes. He had talked to Eddie before about Starcourt. Had told him how he and Robin were trapped below the mall, trying to keep Dustin and Erica from getting hurt, and get them home to their families. Told him why his hearing and his eyesight were different now, had new and intense migraines from being hit in the head so many times. Robin’s panic that they had strapped her to Steve’s dead body. Subsequently being injected with some weird truth serum.
But Steve tended to stick to the basics, the facts. Didn’t see much point in expressing how certain he had felt that they, or at least he, would die down there. The terror he had felt until they loosened his toungue and Robin and he had been laughing together, surrounded by bone crushers, pliers to pull his finger nails out.
“Steve?”
Steve’s eyes snapped to Eddie’s face. Eddie was leaning closer to him, concern etched in his features. “Are you okay? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
Steve took a deliberate breath. “No man, it’s okay.” He could do this. “It, uh, felt good. Which didn’t even feel weird right away. They had left us alone after they injected us, so at first I thought that was why we weren’t as freaked, because if they weren’t right there in the room then they weren’t trying to like torture us or whatever. Then my face stopped hurting so bad. It felt good, you know? We thought for sure it would hurt, but Robin and I were laughing about how we liked it, just cracking up that they had messed up the drugs.”
Hey morons! Morons! You messed up the drug! Morons!
“Everything just felt, so fucking good. And when they came back we were laughing in their faces. They asked who we worked for again and I’m wearing this stupid fucking uniform and I don’t have a different answer and they grabbed these pliers and my finger and they were going to pull my fingernails out until I gave them something and then we weren’t laughing anymore but it felt like I had no control over anything. My brain wasn’t working, my body was all numb and kind of buzzing, but this whole time I have a fucked up face and this Russian dude is going to mess up my hands and who knows what else. Robin told them there was a code.”
Code, code! There was a code!
“So they let me go and she tried to keep their focus off me but that just meant that it was on her. I gave them Dustin’s full name. Gave them all this info about this kid and then couldn’t even keep them safe because when they got us out I was so fucked up they had to babysit us.”
He could still feel it. The way his whole body felt hot, light starbursting around him. His chest was tight with guilt when he realized how useless he had been, how he had burdened these kids to haul him around when they should have been focused on themselves, getting out alive. Steve could barely breathe when he thought about the movie theater, Dustin and Erica left to make sure he and Robin were okay and then the nausea had hit them-
“Hey, hey,” Steve felt warm hands on his forearm, his chest. “Steve, breathe with me.” Eddie gently rubbed circles into his sternum. “We’re okay. We’re safe. Just breathe with me man. Everything’s all good.”
Steve forced his lungs to cooperate with the pace that Eddie was setting for him. He hadn’t noticed he was sweating, shaking. Losing control. Thrust back into that basement, stale air and dark walls all around him.
Eddie tugged gently and brought Steve’s hand to his chest. Steve could feel Eddie’s steady breaths and slightly elevated heartbeat beneath his palm. “Good. That’s good. It’s okay. We’re safe.” He inhaled and exhaled deliberately between each phrase. Steve felt his body slowly calm down, matching Eddie’s.
“Fuck. Sorry.”
Eddie was shaking his head at him before he even finished the phrase, leaning closer yet, still holding Steve’s hand flat against his chest.
“No man, don’t apologize. It’s okay. Fuck, if I had gone through even a little of that I would be locked up somewhere by now. No question. You’re good Steve. It’s fine.”
Something about that paused Steve’s racing thoughts. “Eddie, You’ve literally been in the Upside Down with us. Fought off a ton of demobats and lived to tell about it. You have been through this.”
Eddie grinned at him, that big full faced smile he was so good at. “Nah, man. Those were monsters. D&D shit. You’re talking about people. People are nuts. Those Russian motherfuckers are way more unpredictable than monsters in an alternate dimension. No question.”
Steve found himself smiling back at him. “Yeah?”
“Definitely,” Eddie said.
When Steve had sat down, they were on opposite end of the loveseat in Eddie’s trailer. Now, they were practically on the same cushion, and Steve found himself reluctant to pull away from the proximity. Liked the way he could feel the heat coming off of him. The Right Guard and cigarette smell hanging around him at all times.
“Thanks, man,” Steve said. Eddie’s smile softened to something fond, eyes sparkling.
“Any time, Sunshine. You want anything? Water? Beer? I think I have like, Mountain Dew around here somewhere.” Eddie let go of his hand and Steve pulled it back into his lap. Steve didn’t want him to leave this bubble that they had created, opened his mouth to say he was fine but Eddie was already getting up, walking the short distance to the kitchen. Steve wanted to follow him but kept put instead, listening to Eddie open and shut doors. He returned with two glasses of water in hand, and to Steve’s surprise sat down exactly where he had been before, if not a little closer. Their knees were touching now.
Steve took his water, grateful. It was a weird feeling; he was used to keeping these moments of panic, the flashbacks, to himself as much as possible. Worked very hard to not lose it around the kids. Put all his focus in making sure they were fed, supported, entertained, and that did a lot towards keeping his mind occupied. Left the memories of the last four years to make an appearance when he is alone in his house. Since the Upside Down, he had taken to sleeping with lights on in every room, the TV on. His dad had called him to bitch about the electric bill.
“Listen,” Eddie’s hand gripped his. Like this was something they did all the time, hold hands. It was nice. “If you just want to chill out, listen to music or whatever, I’m game. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Hell, we can do that any time you want. There’s no pressure here, Steve.” Steve knew this already, he found. Like with Robin, Steve had found himself effortlessly comfortable around Eddie in a way he wasn’t able to be around anyone else in his life.
Steve smirked at him a little, lifted the corners of his mouth. “Nah man. Let’s get high.”
Eddie’s answering grin was dazzling. He reached to the coffee table, the rolling tray out and ready in a way that looked like it never wasn’t.
“Ground rules,” Eddie said. “If you’re good, you say so. I can smoke most people under the table so don’t even worry about it.” Steve gave a short laugh at that.
“Number two,” Eddie continued, “you start to feel not-okay, you say so, if you can. My buddy Gareth can barely take two hits without feeling all paranoid, it happens.
“Number three, whatever happens is okay. I’m not going anywhere and whatever goes on stays here. Hand to God.” Eddie stopped rolling to raise a hand dramatically to the ceiling.
Steve smiled. He found himself doing that a lot around Eddie. “Okay, deal.”
“Any rules you want to set? Anything you want me to know before we start?” Eddie asked. He was calm, looking briefly between Steve and the almost-rolled joint in his hand. The question took Steve off guard. He was pretty used to listening to what other people wanted and expected. It felt strange to be on the other end.
“Uhh, I don’t think so,” Steve said. He stared out into the living room. “Just, uh, if I like, freak out again… the only time I smoked after didn’t exactly go so well so… I don’t know I guess I apologize in advance.” He gave a dry chuckle and shrugged a shoulder, but Eddie didn’t laugh with him. He shifted his eyes to Eddie and found him looking at him with focus.
“You don’t have to apologize for that, Steve. If you’re not having a good time, we’ll stop and get you feeling better. No question.” Steve’s heart hurt. “Does anything help?”
Steve thought about this. Only had one answer. Gathered bravery to be honest. "Um, what you did before. Breathing with me and… touching me. It helped. So… thanks.”
Eddie smiled at him. “Absolutely no problem, Stevie. You ready?”
Steve nodded and watched as Eddie lit the joint, took a healthy pull and held it in. He handed it to Steve while he exhaled, so close he didn’t have to extend his arm more than halfway. Steve took it from him and held it to his lips. He had over thought this enough, so he didn’t hesitate before inhaling. The taste and smell were so familiar, comforting even. He took another hit and handed the joint back to Eddie, coughing.
Almost immediately it hit him, his tolerance nearly nonexistent. He felt his body buzzing softly. He was a little anxious he would have an anxiety attack. He took the joint when it was handed to him and took a small hit, but handed it back almost immediately. Eddie took it from him, took two hits and put it out, setting it in the ashtray.
“How’re you feeling so far, Stevie?” His eyes were a little glazed over already. Steve felt like his probably matched, kind of dry and a little itchy.
“I don’t know,” Steve answered. He took a breath, reminded himself he was okay. He had checked with Tommy H. once, who claimed to never get that buzzing feeling under his skin. Sometimes he didn’t mind it, and other times it made him want to take his skin off, even before Starcourt. He hoped it went away before he went home. He didn’t want to sit at home like this. That house was so hollow, so big and empty and it was just Steve in there all alone. What if one of the kids needed him and he couldn't be there? What if the Upside Down split Hawkins open again and everyone he loved died and he couldn’t do anything to stop it? What if-
Eddie got up from the couch and Steve worked not to reach for him. Why was he so needy? It was like he always needed to be coddled, no wonder his parents couldn’t wait to be anywhere else.
Eddie sat back down exactly where he was before, taking Steve’s hand in his. Steve heard humming coming from the turntable, the familiar chords of America coming through the speakers. Steve felt his heartbeat come down automatically.
“I could be wrong, but I feel like I’m definitely not. You dig Simon and Garfunkel.” Eddie winked at him, clearly teasing. “I know you’re typically a pop guy, but I see folk in your soul. I just know it.”
Steve laughed softly, gripped that hand a little tighter. “Strong words for Hawkins’ resident metal-head. Why do you even own Simon and Garfunkel? Don’t you listen to Dye-o to calm down?”
Eddie’s mouth opened in mock outrage. “First of all,” he said, “It’s Dio. Though I’m impressed you remembered their name at all. Secondly, Ronnie James Dio is a legend and a musical genius. Show some respect, Sunshine. Third, yes, all those beautiful, beautiful riffs are extremely calming to me. Remind me to show you Holy Diver. Very soothing.” Eddie sobered a little, here. “But I figured they might be a bit much for you right now. This is Wayne’s LP, but we listen together all the time. I grew up on this stuff. It’s soothing in its own way. Very mellow, which is what we’re after.” He gave Steve a lazy grin.
Steve agreed with him. His own parents barely listened to music at all, which meant he didn’t have a lot to go off besides what was on the radio. He did like soft rock, and was pretty confident Eddie would continue to tease him, but Eddie looked fond instead.
“When I was a kid,” Eddie continued, “Wayne used to put this on when he made dinner. I came to live with him when I was eight. My dad went to jail and my mom was pretty solidly into the hard stuff. They weren’t really taking care of me so Wayne volunteered when everything went down. I wasn’t like, used to people cooking or eating at a table, shit like that. I was so freaked out. But he would hum to America while making Hamburger Helper or whatever and it just… made everything seem not so scary. So this is my fail-safe mellow tune. Good ole’ S&G.”
Steve liked him so much. They were still holding hands, leaning into each other’s space. He had been talking to Robin about it. Unpacking this thing where Eddie made his heart skip, his breath catch a little.
“Good ole’ S&G,” Steve mimicked. He felt okay enough to tease. Eddie stuck his tongue out at him.
“Doing better, big boy?” Eddie asked. Steve leaned just a little closer, watching Eddie’s eyes, always the biggest Steve had ever seen. He saw them dart to his lips, and knew this was okay.
“Yup,” Steve answered. And then kissed him.
Eddie inhaled sharply through his nose, letting go of Steve’s hand only to thread his fingers through his hair. His lips were soft, a little chapped in that way November in Indiana will make them. Steve heartrate kicked up for an entirely different reason than anxiety.
“Holy shit,” Eddie breathed in the space between them. “Are you serious? Are you sure?”
Steve kissed him again. He felt Eddie smile beneath his lips. “Absolutely serious,” Steve answered. “I am so into you, man. Robin is so sick of hearing about it. It’s been like, months at this point.”
Eddie shook his head and kissed Steve this time, fingers tugging gently at his hair. “It must be serious if Buckley is in the know,” he said when they parted again, still grinning. “We’ll have to put an end to her suffering.”
“Nah, I say we make it worse.” Steve brought their mouths together again, smiling along with Eddie. Warm and happy for the first time in years.