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Tsukasa Tenma likes to believe he knows how to keep his emotions inside.
What outsiders see is a loud "weirdo" that constantly yells and poses around but deep down inside is something far more personal. Something far more fragile.
What outsiders don't see is a caring older brother, a respectable hard-working and trustworthy leader, a talented actor and a gentle soul always ready to help those around him.
They don't see a seven year old boy seeing a star in the theater for the first time. They don't see that bright smile that soon after the play is over, exclaims, "I'm going to be a world-future star!".
They don't see a thirteen year old boy playing all alone in his big cold and lonely house, trying to distract himself from the news about his younger sister, his pride and joy, being hospitalized yet again after her condition worsened.
They don't see a fifteen year old boy standing alone in the rain, soaked wet, waiting for his parents to come pick him up. They never do.
There is only so much outsiders see. Only so much they want to see.
Tsukasa doesn't mind however. He doesn't mind how everybody moves away when he's walking down the hall or how everyone starts whispering the moment he enters the room. None of it has ever bothered him that much so he doesn't see a reason to start dwelling on it now.
Rumors? Let them exist. What kind of star would he be if he couldn't handle a few rumors?
Anxiety? A star like him shouldn't feel anxious over minor things.
Loneliness? Nonsense, a star like him should be able to create his own company.
Insecurities? A star like him has nothing to be insecure about.
Sadness? A star like him…
Tsukasa Tenma doesn't let things get to him. He really doesn't. Or at least he tries them not to.
But there is only so much Tsukasa, a mere seventeen year old, can handle.
Eventually, it all catches up to him.
Nights like these are rare. Nights like these when he comes home exhausted, both mentally and physically. Nights when everyone except him is asleep and he gets to curl up in the darkest corner of his room and let the star act drop, even if it's for just a few seconds, and let everything that has been bothering him out.
He tries avoiding this as much as he can but dammit his demons have legs and they know how to sprint.
He lets himself cry. He lets himself get absorbed by all his negative thoughts that have been bothering him up until now, all the "mediocre" things he pushed under the rug, catch up to him and break him down into a sobbing sniffing mess he is.
Tsukasa has yet to learn that being sensitive is okay. That it's okay to feel bad and that sadness doesn't cancel his star-ness in any way. But all that matters means absolutely nothing when no one ever told him that.
Tsukasa's haunted by many bad habits such as putting his own wants and needs down for the sake of those around him, neglecting his feelings and firmly believing that if he can't be the source of happiness to those around him—he's useless.
(How can one bring happiness to others when they themselves are unhappy?)
A tear runs down his cheek as he chokes back a sob.
This should be over soon. He'll cry until he can't physically cry anymore and then he'll go to sleep as if nothing has happened, wrapping himself in multiple covers, as if he's trying to hide something shameful.
Except today is different.
Before he realizes, he's interrupted by the creak of the stairs that lead to his open bedroom. It couldn't be that he was too loud? He tried to be as discreet as he could!
Suddenly, a soft, all too familiar voice speaks up from the entrance, "Big brother?"
Oh no.
Tsukasa's heart sinks. If Saki sees him like this she'll definitely worry and he can't have that happening. Not now. Not here. What kind of big brother would he be if he made his beloved little sister worry more than she should? What kind of failure…
"Tsukasa?" She whispers, worry hinted in her voice. She's lighting up her way with the flashlight of her phone. Her hair's messy and eyes half closed so he assumes he woke her up when entering the house. If only he had been more careful…
"AHAHAHA!" Tsukasa's fake laugh comes off a tad too loud, "SAKI! Saki…Hello—is something wrong?"
Laughing has become a facade.
That loud, obnoxious laugh and that bright but fake smile hide secrets known to no one other than Tsukasa himself. His insecurities and sorrow that he'll never admit he has.
Saki looks hesitant for a second before she confesses, "I thought I heard a cry coming from here…"
"Oh."
Tsukasa Tenma likes to believe he knows how to keep his emotions inside. To lay low and act cool. To make everyone around him smile and not suspect a thing.
(He hates being vulnerable in front of others. It makes him feel weak and useless.)
Quickly he learns that when faced by the troubling face of his little sister he cannot, in fact, keep his emotions inside.
His vision gets blurry but he tries to blink away tears regardless in order for Saki not to question anything. "I'm fine I was just reading a sad book—" is the first excuse that comes to mind and while he hates lying to Saki, her having to worry over something he's capable of dealing on his own, is not worth it.
But Saki is not stupid and he knows it.
"It's pitch black in here." She shakes her phone around to emphasize the point.
"I read it earli—"
"Big brother!" Saki snaps.
Tsukasa's heart starts racing as Saki makes her way towards him, determined. "Is something troubling you?" She asks as she takes his hand in hers, squeezing it gently. "Did something happen?"
"Saki—"
"Your eyes are all red big brother." Saki points out, furrowing her brows.
And dammit if Tsukasa didn't hate himself enough by now he most certainly does now. His sister is standing here with the painful expression on her face just because he was too sensitive, because he couldn't keep his emotions inside, because he forgot to be careful. Oh god he's useless.
"I'm fine Saki." He gives her a smile. A very very tired and fake smile. "You should go to sleep."
Before he knows it she's pulling him in a tight hug, "Please trust me for once." She sounds like she's on the verge of tears.
How could he let this happen?
For a second he stops breathing, letting his blood run cold while he's trying to figure out a way to get himself out of this situation. Saki's always been pretty good at reading him, even when he's obviously making stuff up, so lying to her feels useless. After all she's read through him once by now so he doesn't doubt she's more than capable of doing it again.
He wraps his arms around her carefully, "I just had a long day." He admits in the end.
Tsukasa Tenma's not used to opening up to people but when the words finally come out of his mouth he feels the grip of Saki's hands tighten. "Let it all out." It comes off as a hopeful demand.
Tsukasa can't handle it anymore. He doesn't know what's wrong with him. Why does he act this way and why the hell is he getting the overwhelming urge to feel but when she gives him those begging puppy eyes he just wants to crawl to her and do as she wishes. If it's for Saki, after all, Tsukasa is ready to do anything.
Tsukasa doesn't let himself break down often but when he does it's always suffocating, cold, and painful. Like a knife stabbing him right through the heart over and over again then leaving him to bleed out in nothing but cold and dark emptiness until he drowns in his own sorrows.
Now, however, when a sob escapes his mouth he's not cold, instead he's wrapped in a warm and familiar embrace of his little sister.
For a second he's scared, weak and insecure—what the hell is he thinking? But when she whispers "I'm here." it all disappears in the blink of an eye and he's crying in her arms like a lost child.
None of them say much. They don't have to. He cries and sobs as she rubs circles on his back, letting him know that she's not leaving and Tsukasa feels warm.
Crying has never hurt but felt so good at the same time before.
"Big brother…" Saki whispers after he's calmed down a little.
After he stopped crying, she moved him so he's resting his head on her lap as she playfully braids his hair in an attempt to make him relax.
"Yeah?" He looks up at her, his swollen eyes filled with shame.
"I'm not going to ask for details," She smiles softly, "But regardless of everything I want you to know you can always rely on me, okay?"
To rely on.
It's always been others relying on Tsukasa for his support and help.
Whenever Saki feels upset he'd be the one cheering her up with his unusual and imaginative scenarios, his weird poses and loud laugh.
When his troupe gets stuck at a certain part of the script he'd do his best to try and help them, as a leader and as a friend.
When Toya opened up about his situation back home Tsukasa offered him a shoulder to cry on. Tsukasa considers Toya his little brother at heart.
Looking back on it, did Tsukasa ever feel like he's truly allowed to rely on others?
But a star like him shouldn't rely on other people should he?
For a second he thinks about it and considers telling Saki her offer won't do but when they establish eye contact and he doesn't recognize judgment behind her eyes but rather honesty and genuine concern he swallows his pride and lets out a sigh.
"Alright."
Saki's face paints the brightest grin. "I love you big bro!" She chuckles and he smiles back at her, softly and tiredly but with the same warmth.
"I love you too Saki."
Tsukasa Tenma is far from learning to properly open and as rough as this start is, it's a start nonetheless. With the help of his little sister he's one step closer to learning that even bright stars like him deserve to feel freely, to be loved, and to open up.
Maybe relying on others isn't as bad as he's made himself think it is, after all.