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I just want to disappear, Kanade thinks. She curls into herself a little further.
In the universe that we have come to know and love, this should be the point where Kanade notices that she had knocked her mom’s music box to the floor in her outburst. But this is an alternate universe, where Kanade threw one less item onto the ground. Instead of being on the floor, where her dad’s gentle song could remind her of his wish for her to keep composing, the music box is on a high shelf, out of Kanade’s line of sight.
So Kanade Yoisaki continues to lay on the ground for another hour. Then two. Then three. Her shadow lengthens as the room becomes covered in darkness, but Kanade continues to remain on the floor. She’s not sure how long she’s been awake. At some point, she thinks she falls asleep.
There’s a gentle tapping coming from outside.
Kanade opens her eyes. The room is bright again. The sun must have risen while she had dozed off. Her arms feel like lead, and there’s a bone-deep exhaustion she can’t shake. Disappearing sure takes a long time, she thinks, as she curls into herself and closes her eyes again.
But the tapping continues, before shifting into knocking, before shifting into louder thumps.
“Hello? Is anyone home?”
Kanade opens her eyes again. The person outside clearly has no plans of going away. And as much as she wants to disappear, she wants the loud thumping outside to disappear even more.
She sits up. The room does a strange swoop around her, and she has to put her hands on the ground and wait for her vision to stabilize before she slowly begins to stand. Her knees crack from being stuck in the same position for an entire day, but she’s upright.
Kanade slowly stumbles towards the direction of the front door. The loud pounding continues. She takes a deep breath, before opening the door.
Outside is an adult woman who looks to be about thirty, wearing business casual and, strangely enough, sunglasses. She holds a clipboard.
“Hello, I am a recruiter f—”
Kanade closes the door.
“Wait, I’m not done talking! Let me finish what I have to say before closing the door, at least!”
Kanade turns to stumble away.
The woman begins pounding on the door. “Hey, come back! Listen to what I have to say! I’ll keep knocking if you don’t!”
Kanade is thoroughly annoyed. Her mom is dead, her dad is in the hospital, and somehow this strange woman refusing to go away is the worst thing Kanade has ever had to deal with in her life.
She turns around and walks back. Taking a deep breath, she throws open the door.
The woman is still there. “Oh… I’m surprised that actually worked.”
Kanade glares at her. “What do you want. Make it quick.”
The strange woman perks up. “Right! I’m a recruiter for YORU, a newly formed idol agency! We are looking for talented people interested in becoming idols to audition. Your job would involve dancing, singing, modeling—”
The audacity of this woman! Kanade glares at her. “What talent? I’m not good at music. All I’m good for is creating songs that make people unhappy.”
The woman looks taken aback. “I never said it had to be music. You clearly have talent.”
“I can’t dance if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“I didn’t say it had to be dancing either.”
“Then what talent do I have?”
The woman reaches forward and caresses a silvery lock of Kanade’s hair. “I mean, you clearly have a talent for growing hair.”
………
“What.”
“You have a talent for growing hair. Look at it! It’s a beautiful silver color, smooth, silky, and the longest length I’ve ever seen. Your hair is the prettiest thing my eyes have ever been blessed with. Even if you’re tone deaf, have two left feet, and have a bad attitude, your hair is gorgeous enough for you to become a popular idol.”
Kanade snaps out of her daze, tugs her hair out of the woman’s hand, and starts to close the door again.
“Wait, wait!” The woman sticks her arm through the door. “Maybe you’re not aware of what being an idol means. You’d have it all. Money, fame, popularity—”
Kanade hesitates for a split second, before deciding that if this woman’s arm disappears from her body, that’s not her problem.
“I don’t care about any of those things. The only thing I want is to create music that makes people happy, and for you to leave me alone.”
“Makes people happy…?” The woman pulls back her arm. Kanade takes this as an opportunity to slam the door shut.
Finally, she’s gone. Kanade can now disappear in peace. She starts to lumber back into her dad’s office.
From the door, a song begins to play.
It’s nothing like her dad’s music. Instead of the nostalgic, gentle sounds that Kanade loved with all her heart, this song is modern and bright, with cheerful piano and an upbeat drum. And yet somehow it lightens her heart, the same way that her dad’s music used to.
A girl starts singing. “What kind of horizon was I puzzling over within this fraying dream?”
Huh?
She continues to listen, transfixed. Despite the cheerfulness of the melody and the softness of the girl’s voice, there’s something… mournful and lonely mixed into the melody. Strangely, Kanade feels like this girl understands her pain, despite not even knowing who the singer is.
And yet… “Even the fake tears of the star that had begun to turn can surely smile before dawn breaks,” the girl sings, and Kanade feels a rush of something akin to hope wash over her for the first time since she saw her dad collapsed in his room.
The song ends. She can hear the sound of shuffling, and then footsteps. The woman is leaving. She can finally disappear, once and for all.
Kanade runs forward and throws open the door. “Wait,” she says. “I want to become an idol.”
“Why not close your eyes? It’s because I just can’t say I don’t want to watch anymore,” Kanade sings before striking a pose.
She can hear the sounds of the crowd cheering, can see the waves upon waves of glowsticks shaking in her direction. She bows deeply.
“Thank you all for coming. I hope that I was able to bring you all joy and happiness. Please continue to support me in the future.”
The crowd cheers even louder. After a final bow and a final wave to the crowd, Kanade walks backstage and out of sight of the audience, her silvery hair flowing behind her.
“That was excellent,” says her recruiter-turned-manager, passing her a water bottle.
Kanade takes the water and drinks half of the bottle. “Thank you,” she says, keeping her voice airy and light. “I’m going to get changed.”
Her manager nods. “This was a fantastic debut, after a full year of non-stop training. You’ve gotten twenty-five offers to appear in promotional sponsorships, ten requests to perform at various charities and benefits, and three other idols who want to collaborate with you.”
Kanade nods. “Alright. Accept them all.”
“What?”
“I said, accept them all.”
“I heard you, but I don’t think that’s very realistic. I know you’re a hard worker, Kanade, but you can’t possibly expect to do all of this…”
Kanade smiles. “I’ll be fine. I’m an idol, aren’t I? How can I bring people joy with my music if I’m not doing everything I can?”
Her manager sighs. “We’ll discuss this more later.”
She turns around to talk to a stagehand, and Kanade takes this as an opportunity to leave. In the privacy of her dressing room, she drops her smile.
That was a good start, but this isn’t enough. I must become an idol that can bring joy to people.
No, even more than that. I must become an idol that can save someone. I must create music that can save someone.
I must save someone…
In another prefecture, in another venue, in another dressing room, a different idol also drops her smiling mask and lets her tears begin to freely flow.