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“It’s fine, James.”
“It’s not!”
Sirius sighs. Of course James is frustrated. Shit, Sirius is probably more frustrated than his friend is, but he’s not going to bring his spirit down so close to the holidays. “Look, it’s just a few days. If your grandparents don’t want me there that’s fine, I’ll… occupy myself.”
The Potters’ bi-annual family holiday was coming up quickly, and the last two days clipped Christmas. James’ paternal grandparents hadn’t been the happiest to hear Sirius had come along last year, and as much as Euphemia’s parents doted on him, they weren’t the ones hosting.
“Look, dad will convince them that it’s fine. It’s not fair for them to exclude you, you were here last Christmas too!”
“Yeah, barely if you count the emotional absence, and that was just Christmas, anyways. This is, like, tradition . I won’t jeopardize that for you and your dad.”
James rolls his eyes immediately. “Dad will be fine, he doesn’t get along with Dadi and Dada anyways. It’ll be good for them to not spend a week fighting over nothing.”
“All his cousins and aunts and uncles and your cousins and aunts and uncles will mind not having you there, though.” Sirius smiles as best as he can. “Just go. I’d rather not have my family ruin another good thing without even being there. You’ll have fun, you’ll see your family, and then you’ll come back to shower me with gifts.”
“But it’s Christmas ,” James whines. “You love Christmas!”
Sirius snorts. “ You love Christmas. The rest of us just put up with it because Pete’s always on your side, and Moony and I are powerless to stop either one of you.” Right, Pete! “Besides, Pete’s right on the next street over. I’ll go bother him whenever I get bored, maybe swing by Christmas Eve. I’ll be fine .”
James bites his lip, and God, Sirius loves his brother so much it’s silly. “Are you sure ? Because I can convince dad to make them reconsider, you’ll still have a couple of days to get packed!”
“James,” he laughs. “It’s fine . I promise.”
– – – – –
Generally, Sirius makes it a point not to go back on his promises.
Right now, though, he’s cursing James silently for not having been more insistent.
The house is cold, and he’s cast a warming charm on himself, but everything looks cold and dark and sad and so, Sirius is starting to feel the same way.
When he was twelve, the summer before their second year, the house had seemed so big, and the four of them used to run up and down the hallways. Then again, that was before everything was cold, and awful, and before a war was becoming more aggressive with each day. Before he lived in this house, it was larger-than-life and bright like the family that lives in it. Now, though, it’s been nearly a year since he showed up on the doorstep bloody and delirious, and he’s alone in a cold house during his sixth-year Holiday Break.
Well, this is lovely, he thinks to himself, frowning.
December 22 is the latest day on the kitchen calendar that has yet to be crossed off, and glancing at the digital clock on the stove, he realizes that there’s barely half an hour before he gets to cross it off.
Barely half an hour until December 23. Barely two days until Christmas Eve. Three until Christmas.
Barely half an hour until a year has passed, to the day, since he showed up here.
It’ll be a year, and he hasn’t been thinking about it, but it’s been a year and he’s in this too-big-for-one-person, cold house.
Before he realizes it, he can barely catch his breath, and the room that seemed too big a few seconds ago is getting smaller, smaller, smaller…
He starts choking.
His cheeks are wet.
Fuck .
This hasn’t happened since the summer, when he saw his parents sending Regulus off at the train station, and brushing past him as they walked away. He’d spent the first half of the ride to Hogwarts freaking out, and it wasn’t until Remus had dragged him to an empty compartment on the other side of the train and held him so tight it hurt that he was able to breathe.
That was the first and last time Remus acknowledged him personally, one on one, after the Snape incident.
Maybe that’s what he needs now.
He isn’t thinking when he does it, and before he realizes, his wand is pulled out and there’s a tugging at his navel.
Once he’s apparated in front of the Lupin cottage, he realizes what a bad idea showing up was, but there’s no turning back. His left shoulder is burning, and when he tucks his wand away and touches his right hand to it, it comes back bloodied.
Again, fuck.
He stumbles towards the door as quickly as he can without jostling his arm, his vision blacking out slowly. He’s barely half-lucid, but he knows he’d rather not spend the cold night outside.
He’s leaving drips of red on the ground as he goes, and eventually falls onto the front step, pounding on the door with all the strength he can muster. His mouth tastes bitter, and all he can feel despite the temperature is the burning heat in his shoulder.
“Who is it?” He hears a voice shout inside.
Lyall .
“Lyall,” He croaks as loud as he can.
The door creaks open slowly, but as soon as Sirius looks up and they make eye contact, it’s thrown open and Lyall is crouching down next to him. “Holy hell, Black, what happened?”
He attempts to haul him up by the shoulder, but it’s the wrong shoulder, and Sirius groans. “Splinched.”
“Of course you did,” Lyall mutters, now using his right shoulder to haul him up. “You look delirious. Hope!”
As the pair hobble over to the sitting room sofa, Lyall carrying most of Sirius’ weight, there are quick footsteps on the stairs. Hope rushes into the room and gasps. “Hell, Lyall, what happened?”
“He apparated in what was very evidently the wrong state,” Lyall responds quickly, removing Sirius’ shirt and frowning. “You did a right number on yourself.”
Hope goes to grab something from the shelf, and approaches the sofa with bandages in her hands. “Did the Potters do something?”
“No!” Sirius exclaims, and hisses as Lyall mends his arm with the quiet muttering of an incantation. He’s still drowsy. Ironic, he thinks, when his one last coherent thought is, “Where’s Moony?”
– – – – – – –
“Sirius. Sirius . Hey, Sirius !”
Someone’s shaking his shoulder, but his eyes are tired. He’s tired. He stretches out, and pauses. He’s on a bed, or at least he feels like he is, but he clearly remembers being on a sofa when he fell asleep. Was he at the Lupins’? Maybe it was just a dream, then. Yes, a dream, and James is shaking him awake, and everything’s okay.
“Sirius!”
The voice isn’t James, though. He blinks one eye open, slowly. “Moony?”
“Fuck, finally.” Remus groans, leaning back on his hands where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, legs hanging off to the side. “Mum was going to come up here next, and she’s fairly sure that you’re dead, so she wouldn’t have been so gentle getting your sorry arse out of bed.”
Sirius manages a small smile. He wonders why he didn’t come to the Lupins’ as soon as the Potters left instead of wallowing in his own sorrow for nearly a week. Then again, he’s always had a flair for dramatics. “What time is it?”
“Nearly five,” Remus responds, getting up and picking something up off a nearby desk chair. “In the afternoon, mind you. You’ve been out cold, Mum wanted you to wake up and eat something. She said you needed energy to recharge.”
He throws the objects onto the bed, and they land on Sirius, who’s still burrowed under the bedsheets.
“Who’s room is this?”
“Mine,” Remus shrugs. “I redecorated. It was too busy, and I wanted to make it a… blank slate, if you will, so that my parents don’t have to deal with it in case the summer goes wrong.”
“The summer’s still far off,” Sirius sits up slowly, wincing at the pain in his shoulder. He stretches it; it feels a bit better. He picks up the items Remus threw at him. It’s a pair of sweatpants and one of Remus’ sweaters that he used to love to steal inconspicuously in their dormitory, when they were still on good terms. “Besides, it’s not like we’ll be doing anything dangerous.”
“Maybe you won’t, but I’m sure that Dumbledore wants to get a headstart on recruiting certain parties. Before Voldemort is able to, anyways. I’ll be of age this summer, even if we won’t have graduated yet, and he wants to take advantage of that.”
“He can’t do that!” Sirius exclaims, getting up and immediately going to pull the sweater over his head before Remus grabs it.
“Shower first,” He crinkles his nose, and motions to the door. “And sure he can, as long as I agree, which I will because I’d rather that it’s not on me if we lose. There’s a clean towel by the sink, use whatever you need and come downstairs. Dressed , please.”
He leaves the room, and leaves Sirius blinking blankly after him. Eventually, he shakes it off and heads for the bathroom, clothes in hand.
Under the hot spray of the shower, wondering why Remus was so irritable, it comes to him.
Right, full moon. Christmas Eve, he thinks glumly. That’s tomorrow , and he didn’t even consider it before he showed up and stole his friend’s bed and privacy and parents’ attention. Is he a bad friend? Maybe, but he also knows he’s selfish, so at least he’s still got his self-awareness. That’s better than nothing, he figures. Shaking it off, he groans, burying his head in his hands, the water pounding on his back. They’ll have to talk about it, now, because after the last few months, this feels like the climax of the tension that’s been building up.
Ha.
He can try to help with the moon, really, but Remus is always hesitant enough about them joining as it is while they’re in the environment most freeing for the wolf, and being here in the wolf’s tiny countryside prison definitely won’t make him any more willing to have Padfoot around.
He picks up a shampoo bottle on the tub, and lathers some between his hands. It's an odd sort of serenity that he can't quite place. Once he's washed the shampoo out of his hair, he turns off the water and grabs the towel laid out for him. As soon as he's managed to get dressed, he hangs the towel up and leaves the bathroom, heading downstairs.
He turns into the kitchen. The Lupins are scattered; Hope is standing by the stove, while Remus and Lyall whisper in hushed voices, tucked away in the corner of the room at the small dining table, just big enough to fit three.
Siriusly is barely spared a glance by his friend, and heads towards Hope. “Is there anything I can do?”
“You’re too darling, I’ll manage.” She smiles, but she’s missing the point.
“ Please ? I want to.”
“Oh, dear,” She sighs. “Alright, yes, could you grab chives from the garden? Just outside in the first garden bed, I’ll need them for soup. Family dinner.”
He nods, and leaves the kitchen quickly, stepping outside through the back door. He sees the garden beds quickly, a neat row of three right next to the fenced-in vegetable garden. He approaches the nearest bed, and immediately realizes that he’s got no clue which plant in it is a chive .
He knows the general shape of what he’s looking for, he just can’t place it, because there are so many other plants that could very well be chives.
He laughs; maybe that’s a metaphor for his current situation.
Remus is still inside; Sirius is stuck questioning why he showed up here at all. When he woke up and saw Remus at his bedside, he’d been so sure that it was the right choice. Then again, he hasn’t been able to make up his mind since last night for more than a couple of minutes.
He wasn’t expecting some grand revelation from his friend as soon as he showed up, and he knows that the timing sucks when the moon is taken into consideration, but still. Remus has never been this outwardly pissy, even when he’s had every right to be.
Sirius thinks that, maybe, just maybe, he feels vulnerable. He gets defensive when he’s vulnerable, and Sirius has invaded his personal space so unexpectedly that it was too much.
He knows that things haven’t been the greatest between them since the end of fifth year, since what they’ve collectively dubbed the “Snape Incident.” Not that they’ve dared talk about it. Sirius has had hushed conversations with James, in the dead of night when nobody else could hear and the conversations could be tucked away by morning, but “getting past it” with Remus meant getting shut down for most of the summer, only to sit together on the Express the first day of their sixth year, have a quick mental breakdown in an isolated compartment (which was then swiftly forgotten), and slowly pushing past the slew of awkward apology letters and apology confrontations set up by James and Peter.
It sucks.
It sucks that he’d been so cocky, and so desperate to prove that he was still okay and fine after being thrown into his personal hell-hole of self-hate after everything that had happened with messy half-confessions and with his parents the winter prior, but it’s all in the past now.
They used to be so close, and to stand in Remus’ kitchen while he whispers with his father – probably about Sirius and his appearance, anyways – is really putting into perspective how difficult, maybe impossible, it’ll be to really get past it.
Maybe they’ll be here, and they’ll be forced to talk. Maybe Sirius will dare actually say the things that he’s been keeping bottled up for years now, and it might fuck things up even more, but then at least the things will have stayed fucked up, and not been fucked up for a second time.
Yes, he decides, fucking us up once continuously is better than fucking us up twice .
“Chives giving you trouble?”
He jumps. “Didn’t hear you coming.”
He stares intently at the garden beds. He hears Remus laughing behind him.
He misses laughing together.
“Mum’s finishing on the soup, you’ve been out here for a while.” He comes closer. They’re side by side now, and if Sirius bent his arms to take them out of his pockets, their arms would probably brush.
He takes a breath. “We need to talk.”
“About chives? They’re the tall twiggy ones.”
He looks to the side. Remus has an eyebrow raised, but there’s a lopsided smile on his lips.
“Oh. Yeah, yes.” He grabs a handful of what he assumes are the chives. He turns around quickly, very quickly, and speed walks back to the cottage.
“Sirius, there you are, where’s–”
“Here!” He drops the handful of chives next to Hope and walks to the sitting room, dropping onto the sofa, grabbing one of the decorative pillows, and burying his face in it, groaning.
Of course this is where I end up, he tells himself. Maybe this is where I die. All alone, on Remus Lupin’s sofa. He probably falls asleep on this sofa, sometimes. Maybe he has to be carried up to bed. Maybe he likes sleeping on the sofa. It’s a comfortable sofa, really.
There are hands on his shoulders, someone standing behind the sofa. His sweater – Remus’ sweater – is thick, but he feels the hands squeezing his shoulders. “I’m sorry.”
He lifts his head and uses the pillow to prop his chin up instead, but he doesn’t look back, even when the hands remain in their place, heavy thumbs brushing his shoulders.
“Don’t, please. Can you sit?” There’s a shuffling, and he watches as Remus rounds the couch and sits down. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry for making fun,” Remus says, just quietly enough that Sirius can hear.
“Don’t be, I’m the one who showed up and made a mess of the holidays.”
“The holidays were going to be a mess, the moon–”
“Is tomorrow.” Sirius cuts in. “I know. So what, I made a bigger mess of already messy holidays. Your mum is too nice to say anything, but your dad obviously minds, and if you do, it’s fine, because you deserve to. I didn’t think before showing up, but–”
“ Padfoot ,” Remus cuts in. It’s the first time he’s used Sirius’ nickname since– last year, probably. They both notice. “You were panicking. I dont get why the fuck James thought it would be fine for you to stay alone, especially this time of year, while he paraded around with his family fuck knows where and–”
“Remus, stop.” And this isn’t okay. Because Sirius realizes that it was a bad idea for him to stay alone at the Potters’, but that’s not on James. “It wasn’t James’ fault. I’m angry too, yeah, but at myself, because I knew that it was a bad idea to stay there alone, but it’s not as though I opposed it. I’m the one who encouraged them to go. I’m fine now, and I can go if that’s what you want, but I’m not here because of anything James or his parents said. I was bound to freak out anyways, that’s not their fault.”
“But at least you wouldn’t have fucked yourself up doing it.” Remus sighs. “And, just so you know, I don’t want you to leave. Mum and dad went to pick up more chives, the new ones haven’t grown in and we’re out. I told her you were freaked out because you felt bad, and she said to tell you she’s sorry for sending you on a wild goose chase.”
And, yeah, the cottage is oddly quiet, so they must have actually left.
Sirius frowns. “I brought her the chives, though.”
“You brought scallions.” Remus laughs.
Yes, they left to pick up vegetables for what Hope referred to as ‘Family dinner’, at their tiny three-person table.
“I’ll go, then, before they get back. ”
He gets up, but as soon as he starts towards the door, his hand is grabbed.
“ Sirius . I just said that you should stay.”
He really hopes that his hand isn’t sweating too rapidly, but he tugs it away quickly anyway, just in case. “Yeah, but it’s family dinner. I can come back later.”
“Join family dinner, you’re family. Mine anyways, and Mum and Dad assumed you’d be here as it is. Besides, you said you wanted to talk. This is the time to talk, so come on. Let’s talk.”
Join family dinner , the implication of ‘ you’re my family ’, that's… a lot, for Sirius. His eyes are sort of watery, he hopes it’s not obvious.
“Are you crying?”
Well, there goes that. “Yeah, no, I’m fine. Whatever. Just… the air. This house smells of wet werewolf.”
Remus laughs. “The Potters’ smells like wet dog now, and it’s so much worse than here, so don’t even start, you’re such an idiot. I love you for it, too, and I’m sorry if I haven’t been saying that enough for the last few months.” Remus smiles. “You fucked up, but I’ve been giving you so much shit for it without acknowledging the very real things you’ve been going through for the last year. On my part, that’s not fair. You’ve been doing so much apologizing.”
“Because I’m the one who messed up.”
“This is why we never get anywhere!” Remus exclaims, getting up and grabbing Sirius’ face, squeezing his cheeks together. “We’ve both got to acknowledge that sometimes it’s okay to say that both people are able to mess up! The only reason we’ve been able to get around it is because James and Pete are literal godsend and never leave us in a room alone for more than five minutes, but nothing of value is ever going to get out that way, so this is me saying my part. I’m sorry, and you’re sorry too, so can we just be even? I’d love it if you stopped feeling so… scared to say anything, which I know you have been, because I’d like to think that I know you .”
Okay, wow.
Sirius doesn’t have time to hyper-analyze any of the things that just came out of Remus’ mouth, nor can he hyper-analyze the hints of implication in his words, because his brain is short-circuiting. He takes hold of Remus' wrists and brings them down from his face, but for no reason other than to test the waters, he doesn’t let go.
He sees now how tired Remus really looks. The moon is still tomorrow, and the extra stress evidently isn’t helping, because his face is so pale that his scars are starting to really blend into it, and the bags under his eyes are deeper than usual.
His cheeks are sort of rosy, though, so maybe that’s something.
Yeah, okay, Sirius might be a little bit in love, but he’s known that for ages.
“Honestly, Moony, I think that you’re more scared than I am.”
Remus blanches. “ What ?”
“Notice that you’re the one who’s been making sure that James and Pete even know to not leave us alone.” They’re definitely holding hands now, and Sirius doesn’t want to sever this moment, but there are still more words to be said. He smiles a bit, “Do you remember what I said before the Snape Incident? About not wanting to get with Mary, after James had been teasing me about it? I think maybe… No, you knew what I meant, and I’m sorry if you got offended or whatever else, but honestly? That’s not my fault. The whole point of that was to avoid this exact situation, where we both sort of know what could happen, but are too scared to say anything just in case we’re wrong.”
Remus pulls his hands away and walks to the other side of the room, backing away. “ Sirius , stop. This isn’t what I meant.”
Sirius follows him. “No, Remus .”
“ Sirius –”
“Okay, stop, You said you wanted me to talk, and this is that. You got to say your part, so wait. You got offended, or maybe you got scared , but either way, neither of us were particularly well emotionally when everything happened with Snape. It doesn’t matter who should be taking the blame where,but you took it as an opportunity to push yourself so far away. You deserved to be mad, but you were obviously so scared to talk at all that you decided forgetting about it was the best option. We could have gotten past all of this ages ago if it weren’t for the fact that you were evidently afraid this exact topic would come up!”
“You said you didn’t want to get together with Mary, but that–” Remus pauses. “What am I supposed to take from that? You’ve always been this untouchable thing, except to half the female population at Hogwarts apparently, and then you get me tipsy on the roof and try to confess, I don’t even know, infatuation and curiosity . So, pardon me if I don’t want to be your sex vessel!”
It’s supposed to be a serious conversation, but as soon as Remus says the words sex vessel they both blink for a moment and start laughing. Remus is backed up against a wall, and slides down until he’s sitting on the floor with his head between his knees.
Once gotten a hold of himself, Sirius sits down next to him. “Look, I’m sorry if that’s what you thought, but literally how many of those girls have I done a single thing with ? I’ve been on, like, three dates in the last six years, and the only one that led to a relationship was Marlene. I think we both knew she was hung up on Dorcas and I was hung up on… someone else, anyways. She said I was her ‘worst nightmare’ after we slept together, and those two were exclusive the next day.”
“Please, don’t talk about your sex life involving Marlene while you’re trying to confess your love , or whatever.” Remus turns his face to the side, scrunching his nose. Sirius grins.
“See, this is progress! We’re acknowledging it, that’s step one!”
“I don’t think that the last few minutes could be labeled a victory, but maybe you’re just not being explicit enough, so, you know–” Remus is trying to be funny, Sirius knows he is, but he’s always thought that couples who shut each other up with kisses are cute. They might not be a couple , but he’s always wanted to try it.
Surprise, he thinks, it works!
He thinks Remus will pull away for a few seconds, but then there’s a shaking hand pressing onto his neck, and he figures that this is okay.
He hears the front door slam open, and they jump apart. “Boys!”
“Coming, Mum!” Remus shouts back, and he gets up quickly, as if to leave, but he pauses. He pauses and turns around, biting down on his lip, and reaches a hand out. Sirius grins. “Okay, look, no making fun.”
“I’m not making fun.” Sirius takes his hand, and gets pulled up until they’re chest to chest, face to face. “Just happy, I think. Look at us, getting over ourselves! James is going to be stoked!”
Before Remus can say anything, Sirius presses another quick kiss to his lips and runs off to the kitchen, laughing. He feels so giddy .
Hope and Lyall are already unpacking their small grocery haul, and they both smile when they see him. Lyall makes his way to the table, patting Sirius on the shoulder as he passes by. “Remus convinced you to stay, then?”
“Ooh, good!” Hope smiles, and turns to face Remus when he walks into the room, still red as ever. “Remus, Sirius is staying for family dinner?”
Remus groans. Sirius makes eye contact with him and nods, smiling. Remus smiles back, and this time, it’s not nervous, not resentful. Sheepish, maybe. But a good sheepish, Sirius thinks. “Yes, Mum, Sirius is staying for family dinner.”
They both still have a lot to unpack, Sirius knows that. But this? At least they’ve got this.