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His grip tightens on the phone, a wave of worry washes over him. "Where are you right now?" He tries to keep his voice calm.
He is calm
He tells himself that.
He knows he shouldn't let Dazai control his emotions like that. But it was too late when he realised. Ever since Dazai left, he had tried to focus on other things. More important things.
"I feel like I'm on fire."
Dazai sounds carefree. Just like how Fyodor would have expected him to be when he was going to die. He swallows hard, to try and hold back his emotions.
Anger, sadness, fear. Only Dazai was ever able to bring out these parts of him. Parts he didn't know existed. Feelings he never thought he was capable of having, or experiencing. He takes a deep breath.
"Are you going to be alright?" He doesn't want to sound too desperate. Next to him were Nikolai and Sigma. They don't notice that he's distraught. They don't notice the tsunami happening inside of him. The waves crashing and threatening to devour everything in its path. The winds howling like his thoughts screaming at him to do something. He knows there's no use.
Dazai Osamu was going to die. But it doesn't register as a fact in his head.
"It's finally going to happen." Dazai sounds relieved and part of Fyodor wants to be happy but he can't bring himself to smile. He keeps a straight face, forcing his eyes to look tired even, as to not raise any suspicion.
"Later is better than never." He decides to go along with it. It was Dazai's last moments anyway.
Minutes, seconds he doesn't know how much longer. "Promise me something Fedya."
"What is it?"
(Anything for you)
"Don't miss me too much."
(I don't want you to be hurt because of me.)
"I'm afraid that's quite a difficult request." He adds a hint of humor into his tone even though what he was saying was anything but. Despite that, Dazai lets out a small, pained laugh.
"Please."
(I'm begging you)
"Alright."
(I'll try my best)
They stay silent for a moment and Fyodor has to excuse himself and leave because his facade was breaking. He makes his way to the hallway where he gets a clear view of the sky through a window, frosty at the edges.
"Do you see the stars Dazai?"
"Yes." Dazai says even though the sky is full of smoke and the clouds are dark.
"How many stars do you see?" Fyodor knows Dazai is as scared as he is excited. And he's afraid too. Afraid that he will loose the only person he cares about.
"How many do you see?" Dazai feels a lump grow in his throat, he doesn't know how to feel about leaving Fyodor.
"God once promised Abraham that he would have as many decendents as he saw stars in the sky." Dazai leans against the edge, looking up to the smoke covered skies. He imagines that there are stars, shinning and burning and flickering slightly.
"I know you don't see any stars. But I do. And its beautiful."
"Is it? Wouldn't you tell me how they look?"
"Like you." Dazai smiles as he see a small star in the distance. It's partially covered by a cloud and it could have been easily mistaken for something else but he was sure, that it was a star. However, it quickly fades away, hidden behind a thick layer of smog. Still, he stares at the spot where the star once was.
"What happens if I don't die?" He asks, leaning over the edge. Fyodor doesn't reply immediately. He doesn't know the answer.
"Then I get to see you again." He decides on saying.
"What if I do?" (What if I don't see you again?)
Fyodor lets out a shaky breath. He has to let go. He couldn't keep holding onto Dazai.
"I'll visit your grave and I'll give you flowers." He imagines being next to Dazai's gravestone, placing down a bunch of flowers. He doesn't know how to feel about it.
"That would be nice."
Would it?
"I would like that."
Will you?
Fyodor pries his eyes off from the sky. Because all he can see when he looks up at the stars are Dazai's eyes. He wonders, if he can look at the sky the same way again. He looks down instead, onto the street below. The lifeless glow of the streetlamps illuminating the place just enough to see.
"What kind of flowers would you like?"
"Hmm..." Dazai thinks for a moment. From the distance, he hears screaming and the ground shakes slightly. His heartbeat quickens. Its ending. So very soon. Is he ready? He knows its what he wants but it's a shame that he can't see Fyodor one last time before he does. He can't visit Odasaku's grave one last time either and he can't die knowing that the others would be safe.
He can only hope.
"How about some daisies? I would like some roses too." Then he adds. " And tulips."
"Is that all?" Fyodor would go to hell and back for Dazai. A few extra flowers would mean nothing but if Dazai wanted them, then he would pick the best flowers.
"If possible, could you scatter my ashes someplace I can rest? Then give me the flowers." Fyodor feels his chest tighten.
"Where would that be?"
"Remember that night?" The night they met. They threw snowballs at each other and ran around the park. It was 4 in the morning and Dazai was tired but he was still excited to be in Russia. And Fyodor had never enjoyed someone's company that much before.
They were cold so they sat down next to each other on the bench. Holding each other close, as though they had known each other all their lives.
"The night we met." He says. "We sat down on a bench, under that flickering lamppost." Dazai smiles, as the memory plays out in his head.
"I wouldn't mind my ashes being there." His grip tightens on his phone once more.
"So it's settled." He doesn't want to say goodbye. He doesn't want to lose Dazai.
"I know you're upset."
"I am." He manages to say as he chokes back a small sob. He shouldn't. He was already missing Dazai, before he was even gone.
"Please promise me this."
He doesn't know how many more promises he can make because he doesn't want to break any of them. But instead of saying anything, he remains silent.
"Don't miss me. I want you to forget me." Fyodor drops his head low, eyes glued to the floor between his feet. The lump in his throat tightens and his vission blurs with tears. Still, he does not cry. Clenching his teeth to prevent a sob, he squeezes his eyes shut and forces his jagged breathing to even out. Eventually, it does but when he openes his mouth to speak again, he hears a crash from over the phone.
His heart jumps up to his throat, the feeling is suffocating. He feels like he's choking on the air he's supposed to breath in. His lungs seemingly close up and he can't breath in as hard as he tries.
"Dazai?" The line crackles on the other side and he worries he will get disconnected. He's not ready. Not yet. It's too soon.
"Dazai." It's a demand.
"Hey! Dazai?" He brings both hands to grip onto the phone, as though the phone was the most precious things in the wolrd and he forces it even closer to his ear. He wants to hear Dazai's voice, blasting into his ear. At least one last time.
"...Osamu..?" It's a question. Uncertainty washes over him and now his lungs start working again, but they're working overtime. Because he's taking in the air and exhaling it out too quickly for any of the oxygen to enter his blood stream. The uncertainty quickly turns into dread when the line cuts off and he hears the monotone beeping on his phone. His heart sinks and he lets a single tear fall done his cheek.
"OSAMU!" He's desperate. He refuses to believe that's how it ends. He wasn't done. He wasn't ready. The phone drops from his hands when he doesn't get a reply, reality slowing sinking in. And for a few minutes, Fyodor stands there unable to come to terms with the truth. Dazai is dead he tells himself that.
He is gone. He repeates it again and again but he doesn't believe himself. Not until the ringing in his ears fade away and he hears just how hard he is breathing that the fact hits him. Like a freight train, it slams into him without warning. However, instead of exploding, he simply picks up his phone again and walks back down the hallway. He's numb and maybe that's for the better because it's easier that way. It's easier to cope.
With one hand, he opens the door and with the other he wipes his face dry. He enters the room and give both Sigma and Nikolai a small nod of acknowledgement before sitting back down.
All the while, he feels his heart turning inside out and beating backwards. It hurts, but he doesn't show it.
I miss you already. I'm sorry. He's broken his promise, but it doesn't matter. Because Dazai Osamu, the only man he ever loved, is dead. And there was nothing he could do to bring him back.