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You don’t know how long I have spent waiting for you. Your broken and empty heart is unable to love someone like me. Someone who is unable to love you right and fill the void inside of you.
And I have waited. I have waited and waited for you to somehow, miraculously, manage to open up your vacant heart to me. You never did. And I suppose that it wasn’t a surprise. But it was disappointing. You are so hurt that you poured out your soul to me. You tore yourself open and forced me to witness you break down. At that time, I had no other choice but to console you. And it made me feel special. That you trusted me enough to do that. To show me all that you have been hiding behind that cracking mask.
But I’ve realised now, that it was simply because you thought I was similar to you. That I could understand you. But let me tell you Osamu, I do not understand you. Not in the slightest. But it didn’t stop me from trying to. Till this day, I still don’t quite understand how you cannot find value in life. However, I can say that I can understand your view on living itself, to a certain extent. I do not agree with it, but I cannot say you make a compelling argument. All I can say to your question, on why you were the one who got hurt, is that life isn’t always fair.
But everything happens for a reason. You however, do not believe that. You think everything is based off pure luck and calculations. And that, I struggle to understand. I do not see how one can claim that things are a coincidence, that life is a simple game of pure luck and then proceed to make meticulous predictions and calculations on how events in your life will play out.
I once asked you about this and you told me you were just cheating. Then, I told you it would be unfair for other players and you replied with my own words. “Life isn’t always fair.”
It wasn’t what I meant when I had said that, but it certainly was another way to see things.
You, are a walking contradiction.
When the world around you was dark, you loved. When you shifted over to the light, you were now that darkness that once trapped you. You hurt others and never batted and eye but when you were hurt, you claim the world unfair an then decided to cheat the game.
You are selfish, yet you are the kindest person I know. I don’t know, and I don’t think I will ever know, how you can be so much of everything you want to be but everything you hate at the same time.
And that hurt, that pain has left you unable to, no, you refuse to love again. You left your heart vacant after that night you poured yourself out to me. Its a glass room where your emptiness is displayed for all to see. Yet you say you are not lonely. You lie, when you said you regretted all the lies you have told.
You also once said you were unable to love again after losing the one person you loved. But that was life. And you said you were going to cheat the game. Break the rules. So why can’t you love again? It is not the fear of losing them again that is holding you back. It is not fear of losing me that prevents you from loving me. It is simply because you are afraid that no one is there to love you in return.
But I’m here. I can love you back.
Yet, that is also a lie.
I love you, but I cannot show it.
No, I simply don’t know how.
So I don’t.
I don’t let you know how I feel and I continue to let you think that no one loves you. It pains me, that you do not know that I’m waiting for you. Maybe if you knew I was waiting you, you would have hurried up, or at least sped up the process of recovering. But that wouldn’t work. It would defeat the whole purpose would it not?
Because the only way for you to realise that people do love you, that I love you, is for you to love others again. And the only way for you to love again is to have time to heal. To mourn.
But you are taking too long.
Your heart is vacant, only the ghost of the man you once used to love is left. It may seem that he is haunting you, but you just can’t let go of him. You are too stubborn, you are too selfish, you are too scared. You are blind, for not seeing that I love you but it didn’t matter to me at first because I thought you just needed time. But now I see, that you are stalling. Not only do you refuse to open your eyes, you claim you are trapped in the darkness. You simply need to open your eyes but I know that if you do the image of the an you cared for and loved will fade away.
You lie to yourself as much as you lie to others. But they believe you and you don’t. You know you need love and you know that if you teach me I can love you. But you don’t want to and I don’t understand why.
I’ve realised, a little too late, that you cannot be helped and that it is hopeless to wait for you. Still, I wait for you. If you ever manage to open your eyes and allow yourself to love again, promise me please, that I will be the first you will call. Until then, I will wait patiently, no matter how long, despite the fact that you are so insistent on never loving again and how you hold on so tight to a ghost who has long moved one. Until then, I will try to learn, how to love you right so when you are ready to love me, I will be able to do the same.
It’s hopeless, it’s a waste of time but I can still hope.
I will wait because I know that one day, eventually you will have decided that you’ve had enough time.
I will wait because I love you.
And I won’t ever stop.