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November 1975
The sounds of polished silverware scraping against ceramic plates and distant rumbling chatter filled the Great Hall. And although it was almost the end of supper, and most of the serving platters had been cleared away, sweet and savoury aromas lingered in the air.
“Don’t look now, but Potter is staring at you again.”
Regulus sucked in a startled breath, nearly choking, and had to take a large gulp from his goblet to be able to swallow. He couldn’t even remember what he had put in his mouth, but whatever it was, it got stuck in his throat going down and left behind a strange, ashy aftertaste. In lieu of a reply, he arched a jet-black brow and hummed noncommittally, not trusting his voice.
“Oh, come off it,” Evan grunted. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”
Oh, Regulus knew. Long before Evan even said anything, he knew. The moment the infamous marauders made their entrance, Regulus had felt eyes on him from all the way across the hall. And even with a sea of students between them, the feeling continued, followed by an almost overpowering compulsion to turn around. Regulus immediately regretted choosing a seat with his back towards the Gryffindor table, but it had seemed to be the best decision at the time. He didn’t need to turn around to picture the chaotic mane of dark brown curls, scruffy, angular jaw on a diamond-shaped face, and a pair of eyes in an intense hazel, burning behind rectangular glasses.
Since the start of the term, wherever Regulus went, or whatever he was doing, James appeared to be there. Watching him. Regulus always felt it, almos t on a physical level. How is he doing that ? He asked himself the same question every day. It had to be a spell. A hex, perhaps. Or a curse. It had to be something . It clearly wasn’t normal . Whatever it was, it started a hunger within him, and after almost three months, he was starving.
Only years of having to mask his true emotions kept Regulus from clutching the fork, the cool metal warmed by his sweat-slicked hand until his skin stretched tight and his knuckles whitened. His chest rose and fell with even breaths, but on the inside, he was anything but calm. He went to stab another piece of tasteless meat and found, to his surprise, that he had already finished his meal.
Barty picked that time to join the one-sided conversation. “’Know wha’?” he garbled around a piece of half chewed chicken.
Evan let out a strangled noise and glared at Barty, his lip pulled up in disgust at his friend’s atrocious lack of table manners. “Seriously?” he asked incredulously, shaking his blond head. “You really hadn’t noticed?”
Barty bit off another piece of the chicken, smacked his lips and chewed with his mouth half open. “No’ re’ly.” He shrugged.
Shuddering exaggeratedly, Evan decidedly ignored him and turned to Regulus. “Potter is always watching you.” He sent a scathing look over Regulus' shoulder. “It’s weird.”
Barty finished chewing and squinted his green eyes. He leaned a bit to the side and peered over to the Gryffindor table to see what Evan glared angrily at. “Huh.” His tongue snaked out to lick up the grease in the corner of his mouth. “I see what you mean. But I wouldn’t call it weird. More like hot . Dontcha think it’s hot, Reg?”
“Don’t answer that,” Evan barked and waved his spoon around with the same flourish as a wand, soup splattering everywhere.
Regulus shifted uneasily on the bench. He dropped the fork which landed on his plate with a loud clatter and pulled his hands down to his lap where he dug his blunt fingernails into the soft part of his palm, leaving behind small, crescent-shaped indentations. His expression remained impassive.
“I’m just saying it would be nice to be on the receiving end of that ,” Barty said matter-of-factly.
Evan seethed. “Regulus is too smart to fall for someone, so…” he paused, struggling to come up with the appropriate word, “… so forward .”
“Just look at him,” Barty pointed his drumstick at the marauders to emphasise his point, “he’s completely mad for him. He’s practically drooling for a taste.”
Regulus’ feigned indifference wavered. He bit down on his bottom lip so hard he almost drew blood and swallowed thickly.
Evan rolled his eyes. “How can you say that? How can staring at someone from across the room be anything but…”
Barty interrupted Evan. “I don’t know. A bloke looking at me like that? I reckon it would be nice, is all.”
Reg abruptly stood and strode quickly out of the Great Hall, leaving his two friends to their bickering.
More than anything, he wished he could agree with Evan. After all, it was unsettling, to say the least, that someone he didn’t even know could make him feel so much, but deep down inside, he couldn’t help but agree with Barty. James Potter was hard to resist when he looked at Regulus that way.
But, he decided, it didn’t matter how he felt, he would never do anything about it.
November 1978
The first few seconds after waking were disorienting. Regulus wasn’t aware of what had roused him. His muscles ached pleasantly, which he took to mean he'd been sleeping in the same position for too long. He stretched until his bare feet bumped into the armrest. He reckoned he had fallen asleep in the common room again. It wouldn’t have been the first time. The weeks leading up to an exam, or whenever he had a report to finish, he would stay up late while the candles burned low, hitting the books until the wee hours. He just couldn’t remember studying the night before.
Regulus' eyes remained closed while he listened to the silence. It had to be early for it to be that quiet. Maybe someone had put up a silencing charm? It certainly explained why even though he didn’t hear the crackling of the fire he still felt its warmth. For a while he contemplated getting up and retiring to his dorm, but despite the slight tenderness in his body, he was entirely too comfortable. He pulled the quilt tighter around himself, determined to get some more sleep and was surprised to find that instead of the coarse wool he was familiar with, it was a much softer material that felt good against his bare skin.
Regulus' eyes snapped open. He was naked. In an instant, it all came back to him. The come-and-go room spelled to look like the Slytherin common room. Clothes discarded on the floor. James’ lips, his hands, his…
Muscular thighs covered in soft hair pressed against his own and warm breath tickled the short hairs on his neck. James’ arm tightened around him. “I know you’re awake.”
He shifted around until he lay face-to-face with his boyfriend. James' lips were swollen, and his hair appeared even more mussed than usual, as if someone had run his fingers through it repeatedly. Regulus’ fingers. Heat spread inside of him at the thought.
Leaning in, James brushed a sweet kiss to Regulus' slightly parted lips. He pulled away too soon and grinned at Regulus' small whine of protest. “Have a nice kip, did you?”
“Mmmm,” Regulus hummed. “How long have you been up?” Just then he felt James against his hip, and his face burned from the double entendre.
James bit his lip to hold back his laughter at Regulus' expense, but his hazel eyes shone with mirth behind the lenses of his glasses.
Minutes passed where neither of them said a word, content to enjoy each other's company. Regulus was the first to break the silence. “What time is it?”
James lifted his arm and checked his timepiece , then let it fall, and rubbed his hand up and down Regulus' back. “It’s early enough that if we leave right now, we can get a few hours in and still make it to breakfast with no one knowing we were gone.”
“Or…?”
“ Or we could just stay here. I’m sure we can find something to do with our time.”
Regulus whimpered at the feel of James’ callused fingers stroking lower and lower. He pulled James down and claimed his mouth in a kiss. His lips were warm and soft. They parted slightly, allowing Regulus' tongue to slip inside.
Much later, when they were both pleasantly sated, Regulus opened his eyes to find James looking at him.
“You’re staring again,” he mumbled.
“Sorry.” James grinned sheepishly. “I can’t help it. Have you seen you?”
Regulus chuckled. “You always used to do that. Stare at me, I mean. Drove me mental. Evan thought it was creepy,” he reminisced. “Barty called it hot.”
“Oh?” James’ smile turned curious. “And what did you think?”
“Creepy, definitely creepy.” Regulus laughed boisterously when James poked him in the side. “But also hot.”
Warmth spread in Regulus’ chest when James lit up at his admittance and tiny sparks of joy flickered in his eyes. Regulus leaned in close, his lips brushing James’, once, then twice. Featherlight touches that made his heart beat faster and his breath catch. “You’re always watching me,” he murmured into the kiss.
Leaning back a little so he could look into Regulus’ eyes, James pulled his shoulder in a half shrug, a smirk playing on his lips. “Do you want me to stop?”
Regulus pursed his lips, as if he actually considered it. “Would you? If I asked?”
“ Never .”
November 1981
Just days from being full, the frozen moon hung high in the starlit sky. Regulus sank to the ground, the dampness from the freshly dug earth seeping through the fabric of his trousers. A chill breeze blew in, rustling his wavy hair. He had left his cloak behind when he left the church and wore nothing but the thin formal robes he’d worn to the funeral, but he didn’t feel the cold.
He felt nothing.
Hadn’t done so for weeks.
He looked a right state. Glazed, slate eyes surrounded by purplish bruises from lack of sleep, harrowed expression, fine lines framing his mouth. To anyone who saw him, it was like looking into the face of despair. He had barely slept a wink during the past weeks. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw him . He couldn’t bear it.
“Reg…” Sirius started hesitantly.
“Don’t!” The words rasped his throat, his voice hoarse from disuse. He had done his best to ignore his brother during the service and the lowering of the casket. Sirius had kept to the background, but clearly, he was done waiting. He clenched his fists, and the outline of his ring scraped against the skin on his left hand, the matching one suspended from a fine chain around his neck, its leaden weight pulling him down and down.
“I’m sor…”
White-hot fury burned through Regulus’ veins. It almost came as a relief, feeling something besides frigid numbing grief. He forced himself to his feet and turned to where Sirius stood behind him. Regulus could barely stand to look at him. The only reason he didn’t put all the blame for what happened on his brother was because of James. He wouldn’t want to be what created an even deeper wedge between them. “Sorry? Really, Sirius? You’re sorry ? Well, it’s not bloody good enough.”
“We didn’t know. How could we have known…”
“I did,” He spat, and jammed his thumb against his chest. “I knew.”
“Reg, please .” Regulus heard the tears in his brother's voice, but he just didn’t care. Not anymore. “What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing. I want nothing from you.” Regulus waved at the lonely grave behind him. “You did this.”
“I know, okay?” Sirius hung his head. “I just I-I… couldn’t…”
“ Couldn’t what? Trust me?” His laughter sounded forced and full of bitterness. “Yeah, I gathered that. But you know who did? James did. James trusted me.”
“Reg…”
The wind picked up, sending brown and battered leaves scuttling across the carefully manicured lawns, but neither brother noticed.
Before Regulus even realised he had reached for his wand, he had it pointed at Sirius’ heart, tears trickling down his sunken cheeks. “And now I’m the one who cannot trust you.”
“Don’t do this.” Sirius held up his hands in front of him, as if shielding himself from an oncoming attack. “Peter was my friend…”
“And I’m your brother .” Regulus tore at his hair. “I told you what I’d seen, what I’d heard . If you had only listened to me instead of your precious Peter…” His grip tightened around the wand until his knuckles whitened. “James believed me. He trusted me. We begged you to stay on as the secret keeper. But you still did it. Sirius Black always knows best, doesn’t he? Look how well that ended.”
“I miss him, too. He was my best friend throughout school, and after.”
“It meant so very little in the end, didn’t it?”
“I know…” Sirius sobbed, his hands moving to cover his face.
“But you didn’t. And now James… James is…” his voice broke.
Dead.
Sirius wiped at his eyes. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to make every single one of them pay for what they’ve done .” Regulus turned his back on his brother and returned to the cold grave. “Now leave . Get the hell out of here before I’m forced to remember how much of his blood is on your hands.”
Regulus dropped to his knees and dug his fingers into the dirt. As if trying to reach the man resting six feet beneath. With his forehead pressed to the cool marble, he traced the letters on the headstone with shaking fingers.
In loving memory
James Potter
Husband
Friend
Hero
Squeezing his eyes shut, he tuned out everything around him—Sirius’ slowly fading footsteps, the bitter wind rustling through the trees’ skeletal branches. Instantly, the image of sparkling, mischievous hazel eyes, messy dark curls, and a lopsided grin flashed behind his closed lids. “Don’t watch me now.”