Work Text:
It was still dark in the bathroom, Lucy having not bothered to flick on the light switch as she stumbled over to the toilet, her mind numb with fear and panic. Bleeding was normal; she’d read it in the pregnancy books that had begun to pile up on her side table, but whatever this was, this was not normal.
Her eyes were clenched shut, elbows digging into her knees as she held her face in her hands, desperately trying to redirect her mind anywhere but there. Her mind was hazy, all consumed by the worst-case scenario. All she had to do was check; a simple glance down would be all it took to quiet her anxious mind. It could be nothing. It could just be her mind getting away from her. Or it could be exactly what she feared it would be, and looking down would make it real.
She didn’t want it to be real.
Because if this was what she feared it was, then all of the work she and Natsu had done—all the negative tests, all the doctor's appointments, all the fertility treatments—would be for nothing.
Lucy recalled the day she had first skipped her period and the way her hands shook as she saw the two lines appear on the test. She had cried tears of joy into his chest that night, and Natsu had a smile on his face that lasted the whole week because, finally, fucking finally, they were going to start their family.
So why? Why was this happening?
This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.
This wasn’t the way things were supposed to go.
With bated breath, eyes nervously glancing up at the ceiling, she shifted slightly to pull her panties down her legs, landing between her ankles. Her delicate lace underwear, once a pure white, now stained a deep, fresh red; the smell putrid and pungent, wreaking of death and despair. Lucy had smelled death before, roamed battlegrounds in the aftermath of war, watched the light leave the eyes of her adversary by her own hand, but this was different. This was so much worse. This was a life that she and Natsu had created together, one that she was sworn to protect.
She had done everything she was supposed to do, so where had she gone wrong?
After months and months of trying, they had, perhaps irresponsibly, already broken the good news to the whole guild. The raucous cheers still echoed in her ears; the whole building was filled with delight, laughter, and congratulations as they celebrated the impending addition to the guild. Her heart swelled at how excited everyone had been to celebrate the start of their new family, and god, Erza had cried maybe more than she had. How was she supposed to face everyone after that? What was she supposed to say to her guild mates; her family?
And what was she supposed to say to Natsu?
She didn’t know how she was even going to bring herself to face him after this. He and Happy had only been on their job for three days, and she had promised that she’d be fine by herself. Natsu had always trusted her to take care of herself; there was no reason for him to stop now. Somehow, three days was all she needed to break that promise.
Her mind blurred as she tried to process her emotions, her legs barely able to carry her back to their bedroom. She haphazardly threw the bloodied underwear in the general direction of their laundry basket, as if she ever planned on wearing them again. They landed on the edge, hanging halfway off, threatening to fall to the floor, but in that moment, as she staggered over to her side of the bed, she couldn’t bring herself to care. Right now, all she wanted to do was crawl under the duvet, letting herself be enveloped by the comfort of the darkness beneath her sheets, and hide away from the world, wallowing in her own self-pity.
The soft glow of her alarm clock caught her gaze, the red letters indicating that the sun was soon to set.
Natsu would be back within the hour.
She had to be strong, put on a brave face for him, but being strong was the last thing she wanted to do right now.
Instead, the only thing she could bring herself to do was drag herself onto their bed, letting her head rest on her soft pillow, finding a moment's solace in the way her body sank into the mattress. She let her eyes flutter closed, suddenly being hit by a wave of exhaustion brought about by her anguish. Desperately, she willed her body to fall asleep and give her mind some sort of escape from the sorrow and grief that gripped her heart, but sleep refused to take her. She squeezed her eyes shut in some last-ditch attempt to force herself to sleep or somehow keep the tears from falling.
Growing up the way she did, Lucy had always found comfort in the idea that one day she would start her own family, become a mother, give her children all the love and attention that was withheld from her growing up. She had come so close to having that dream come true, starting that life with Natsu—her partner, her best friend, the absolute love of her life. She knew he wanted this just as much as she did, and she really couldn’t think of anyone better suited to be the father of her children, but she had let him down.
She needed him here, needed his warmth, needed to feel his comfort as his arms wrapped around her, but that meant having to face him and bear the bad news. Her parenting books hadn’t prepared her for this; there was no Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking Your Husband’s Heart; she was on her own, and she hardly had the time to think through what she wanted to say.
Had the hinges on their front door not been so loud, Lucy may not have even heard Natsu enter the house in her nervous fervour.
"Hey Luce! I’m home!"
She wanted to call out to him and try to pretend like everything was fine, but her voice was stuck in her throat.
"Lucy? Where are ya’?"
"I’m in here," she called out weakly to him, trying to keep her voice from cracking.
Her eyes were planted on the ceiling, but she could tell he’d found her when the light was flicked on and she heard him toss his pack to the side of the doorway. It wasn’t until he jumped onto the bed, his arms on either side of her body as he looked down at her, that she forced herself to meet his gaze. He was absolutely positively beaming, the smile on his lips going all the way up to his eyes as they met hers, and in that moment where her heart should have soared, instead she felt like she had taken a knife to the chest.
"I missed ya’ tons, thought about you two every day while I was gone," he beamed, one hand resting on the small of her hip beneath her shirt, his thumb rubbing circles on the pale skin beneath the fabric.
It didn’t take long for him to move his attention down, pulling up her tank top, the fabric bunching up below her breasts to expose her belly. His chapped lips grazed along the soft skin of her abdomen, pressing kiss after kiss across her rounded belly—a place that once held a beautiful, brilliant life, now only brought her grief and sorrow. She could barely hold it together, feeling his hands rest against her hips and his lips drag across her midriff, the way he had the first night they knew that it held their future.
How was she to know that that future would be this bleak?
It didn’t take him long to notice the way she uncharacteristically stiffened under his touch, indicating to him that something wasn’t right. From his position at her abdomen, he shifted back so he hovered above her, meeting eye to eye, only for her to shrink under his gaze.
"Hey, is everything okay?"
She looked in his eyes for some sort of sign, something to tell her that somehow, he just knew, that he had come home to tell her that it would all be okay. Instead, she was met with worry, confusion, and perhaps a flash of fear.
"What’s wrong?" He asked, brows furrowed in confusion at her pained expression, "If something’s up you can tell me, you know that right?"
Her eyes flicked down, trying to find anywhere to look but him as she desperately searched for the words and the courage to break the news to him.
"Lucy..." his voice came out soft, comforting, but riddled with concern as she nervously shuffled beneath him.
The way he said her name was the only thing it took for the floodgates to open. The tears came first in silent streams down her cheek, before the rest of her body caught on with heaving sobs and cries.
"Natsu I’m so- hic I’m so sorry I-" She heaved and sobbed and gasped for air, hopelessly searching for the right words: "I couldn’t do it-"
"Do what?" He asked, confused, as he tried to comprehend what she was trying to tell him, "I wanna help you, but you gotta tell me what’s goin’ on."
He hated seeing her like this, and he would do anything if it meant that he could see her smile, but the way she was crying, choking on her words, and avoiding his gaze made him feel so damn helpless.
What the hell was she-?
Oh.
The way her hands moved down to rest on her stomach as she babbled and sobbed, trying to get the words out, hit him like a truck, and he could feel his heart sink to the bottom of his chest.
He shifted over to lie down next to her, pulling her small form into him as her entire body was wracked with sobs, incoherent blubbers, and mumbles leaving her lips as she tried, in vain, to express to him how she was feeling. Her arms wrapped around his torso, holding him as tight as she possibly could as she buried her face into the crook of his neck.
"Hey, c’mon, it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. I’m here."
He wasn’t good with words like she was; there was nothing he could say in this moment that would magically make her feel better, not when he was hurting too. Every moment he had spent apart from her had been spent anticipating the moment they would reunite, never anticipating that he would be returning home to such sorrow. His chin rested atop her head, and he gently squeezed her closer in some last-ditch attempt to make her feel better.
This wasn’t a scene he had pictured in his mind the day she broke the news to him. The only tears he had anticipated were the ones they shed together as they held their newborn, a life that he had helped create and that he would dedicate the rest of his towards protecting.
He couldn’t even protect them now.
And to think he had kept Lucy waiting, all alone in her loss, in their loss.
Tomorrow would bring him time to mourn, but today he kept his grief at bay, focusing in all his strength on making sure that she would be okay.
"I’m sorry." He murmured into her hair, his hand on her back, holding her close, rubbing comforting circles as she sobbed into his chest.
Sorry? He was sorry?
Her mind was racing with all the things she wanted to tell him.
What do you have to be sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong. You did everything you could. I’m the one who should be apologising. I’m so, so sorry. I feel like I’ve failed you as your wife, as your best friend. I know how much this meant to you—to us—and I couldn’t do it.
But the words didn’t come out.
Instead, his apology was met with a horrific wail as she buried herself even deeper into the fabric of his shirt.
And she was always so good with her words, a writer's blessing, but she couldn’t seem to let them come out in any way that was meaningful, and watching her struggle so hard to grasp for something, for any way to tell him exactly what had happened, made his heart throb in pain.
"Natsu, I- What did… what did I do wrong?" She asked, desperation in her voice.
He didn’t know what to say. This hadn’t been in their plans; it wasn’t something he ever hoped he would have to prepare for; it just was. Blaming herself was the last thing he wanted her to do, because he knew all of this was just some horrific, sick twist of fate.
"You didn’t do anything wrong. I guess this just… happens," he offered, mumbling as his lips grazed the crown of her head.
His words didn’t do much; her eyes still glistening with tears; but he didn’t expect them to either, after all, he was barely holding it together himself.
All of the joy that was once promised to them had turned to sorrow, grieving a life that that was never given, a breath that was never taken. None of the loss they had gone through could have prepared their hearts for this moment.
He had already suffered the loss of a father, now the world, in all its cruelty, just expected him to have to suffer the loss of a child.
Slowly, the sobs subsided, Lucy’s frail body simply too exhausted to continue, instead she let herself fall slack against her partner’s body. In response, Natsu adjusted their position, moving to his back and letting her head rest on his chest, an arm weakly thrown over his midriff. It was a position they were sure to become familiar with as they silently mourned amongst the sheets, seeking comfort within each other’s arms before the world forced them to carry on, just as they always had. And carry on they would, eventually returning to their adventures, reminding themselves of the joy and whimsy the world held.
Neither had let heartache hold them back before, and they wouldn’t be starting now.
But until then, they would grieve, arm in arm, hand in hand.