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Dear diary,
Today I went to visit ❤ Mingyan ❤ at her sect to surprise her and also steal more of her panties for my projects. I was dressed in a red top that shows my boobies and little booty shorts that my buttcheeks spill out of but ❤ Mingyan ❤ didn’t even care! Diary, I don’t know what else to do. I surprise her at her sect every day and steal her things but she still doesn’t get that she’s my girlfriend and I can’t figure out how to make her understand that we’re together forever and there’s nowhere she can run where I won’t find her. It’s so frustrating!!!!! Anyway we’ll talk again tomorrow because I think dinner’s almost ready.
Luv,
Ling-er
With a heavy and frustrated sigh, Sha Hualing finished signing her name with her favorite sparkly red pen and started to illuminate the finished manuscript with heart-marks and kissing faces. She was a young woman in the throes of a love most despairing and most vexing.
Her intentions were so clear, but Liu Mingyan was stubborn, stupid, or both. She would act like Sha Hualing wasn’t even invited to the sect, and like she wasn’t allowed in her bedroom, and like she didn’t even care that Sha Hualing’s boobies were so big! It was enough for Sha Hualing to sometimes suspect that Liu Mingyan didn’t understand that the two of them were girlfriends—these were the kinds of things girlfriends did with each other! It was bad enough that they’d been dating for almost a year now and Liu Mingyan still hadn’t let Sha Hualing smash; she’d always just scruff her by the neck whenever she tried to dive for the prize and march her out of the sect to be deposited back at the home of the lord’s consort.
Was Sha Hualing doomed to live a life of sexless agony, just like Mingyan’s loser older brother? …No, no, that was self-defeating talk. Sha Hualing seized her emotional support plushie from its perch on her bed; a creepy little approximation of a human figure made out of what appeared to be someone else’s panties. She bit it furiously and shook it back and forth in her jaws, as if she was a predator trying to break her prey’s neck. But she was not, of course. She was simply a girl in love.
There was a light knock on Sha Hualing’s bedroom door. A man’s cheerful voice came.
“Sweetie, dinner’s ready! Come sit with mama and me!”
Sha Hualing paused, the plushie dangling from her mouth. “…coming,” she said dejectedly.
The door opened and a man stepped through. He was dressed in a frilly apron and could have been mistaken for a human, if not for the extra two arms.
“Now, I know that tone,” said Sha Hualing’s daddy dearest, for that was who he was. “What’s got my Ling-er down tonight? I see she might be having some girl troubles…”
Her father looked meaningfully at the creepy panty poppet being abused by Sha Hualing’s teeth. Sha Hualing sighed heavily and let the thoroughly mangled plushie limply drop to her bed.
“Baba, I don’t get humans,” she said mournfully. “I visit her every day and I make myself look so nice for her, but sometimes I think she doesn’t even want to be my girlfriend…”
Her father patted her back with one hand, patted her head with the other, moved the saliva-soaked plushie away with the other, and set the other on one of his knees. “My Ling-er is strong and cute enough to get whatever she wants in life,” he assured her. “And I know that she’s not one to give up so easily. Do you remember the first day you came into our lives?”
Sha Hualing gazed up at her father with dewy eyes and a pouty mouth, beseeching him to go on and keep telling her about how good she was. He was, of course, more than happy to do so.
“When your mother laid all those eggs, I fretted day and night about getting the nest ready for Hatching Day, making sure that everything was set—making sure we had enough towels laundered, making sure the doors were properly bolted and sealed, making sure the incubation was just right. And then the day arrived, and you were the first to kick your way out of your little pink shell! You took one look around, toddled right over to the weapons wall, grabbed the biggest mace your lil’ hands could handle, and just went to town smashing the rest of your siblings to bits before they could hatch and do the same to you! Didn’t take you more than a few minutes to clear out the whole room—not one single egg left intact, and the floor was just a right mess. Your mother saw that there was already a Hatching Day victor, and she went on in to help herself to the aftermath to help recoup the protein she lost laying all those things while I got you all bundled up in a towel to and ready for your first bath. Oh, you didn’t make that easy for me with that mace of yours, and you cried so hard when your little feetsies touched the water…”
“Baba!” Sha Hualing exclaimed. “Stop when you’re done with the cool parts next time! You can’t tell Mingyan any embarrassing baby stories whenever I manage to get her down here! And no baby pictures either!”
Her father looked heartbroken. “But…not a single one? Not even of your little pink egg…”
An ominous aura washed over the room; scrabbling, scratching noises came from the hall outside. Dozens of glowing red eyes peered into Sha Hualing’s room.
“Sorry, honey,” Sha Hualing’s father said. “We got a little distracted. We’ll be down for dinner in a jiffy.”
“RHRHRHHHHHRHRHRGGRGRHRHRRHRRH R HHERHHHRHHRHHR R RRHHRHRHHHRHRHRHHRHRH RHHRHR RHRHHRHHRHRHHRHRHRHHEHHHRHHHHHHHHRHHRHHRHHRHRHRHRHRHRHH,” said Sha Hualing’s mother, a giant spider.
“I know,” Sha Hualing said gloomily. “But why doesn’t she see that?”
Sha Hualing’s mother, a giant spider, laboriously poked each of her sharp, needlelike legs through the bedroom door and used the leverage to squeeze the rest of her body through. Her dozens of eyes swiveled to orient her position, and she briefly swayed before righting herself and strolling over to Sha Hualing’s bed.
“RHHRHRHHRHRHRHR,” said Sha Hualing’s mother, a giant spider. “R HRHRHR RHRHHR RHHRHRH RHHRHRHR HRHRHRHHRHR HHRH RHHR, HRHRHHRH RHRHRHRHHRHR R, RHRHRHHRHRHR HRHRRHHRHRHR HHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHHH HHHHH RHHRHRHRHH HHHHHH HHHHH HHHHHHHH HHHHHH HHHHH HHHHHH HHHHHHH HHH HHH H HHH HH HH HHHH HHHHH HHHH HHH HHHHH, H HHHH HH HHHH HHHH HHHHHH HHHH, HHHHH HHHHHHH, HHHHHH, RRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.”
Sha Hualing clapped in delight. “You’re right! I remember hearing that about humans—if there’s a baby in the equation, then Mingyan will have to stick around! But where would I get one, mama?”
“RHRHRHR HRHRHRHHR RHRHHRHR, HRHRHRHR RHRHRHRHRH RHRHRHRH HRHHRH RRHHRHRHRHR RHHRHRHR, HRHRHRHRHHHR RHHRHRH. HRHRHRHRHHR HHHRHRHRHRHRHHRH HHHHHHHHH.”
Sha Hualing flung herself forward and hugged her mother’s giant furry spider body. “I totally can steal one from her sect, you’re right! You know everything, mama.”
“She sure does, Ling-er,” Sha Hualing’s father said with a wink. He set all four hands against his hips and nodded. “She sure does.”
--
The idea itself was sound, but then there was the matter of putting it to action. Sha Hualing didn’t know what the hell a human baby looked like, and she also didn’t know where they would store them on that mountain—probably some sort of vault, no doubt, on that one peak where they kept all their stuff. She was confident in her ability to break any seals and kill any guards, but what if she got in there and all of the babies they had in stock were gross or ugly? Even if Liu Mingyan would be forced to stay with her regardless of the baby’s features, Sha Hualing didn’t want to be stuck with an ugly human baby that wouldn’t even grow up to be anything but an ugly human adult.
Sha Hualing knew of a potential source of intel on this matter, but her access to it was limited by a certain obstacle. A certain prissy obstacle.
“Listen,” Sha Hualing said. “I have to ask your pet human a question.”
Mobei-jun was obviously not listening. But Sha Hualing was a wily and cunning one, and knew what would pique his interest.
“Did you know that when there’s a baby in the equation, humans have to stay with you forever?”
Mobei-jun slowly turned to look at Sha Hualing. He narrowed his eyes at her, trying to gauge the truth of her statement.
“It’s true,” Sha Hualing stated confidently. “And if you let me interrogate your human on where they store the babies on that peak he’s supposed to be the boss of, we’ll go in there and split the spoils fifty-fifty. I call dibs on the cutest girl baby; you can have any of the rest.”
There was no less fortunate time for Shang Qinghua to be strolling down the hall. Scrolls and books scattered and flew as Mobei-jun ordered him into the room with a sharp, “Qinghua!”
Shang Qinghua scooped up as many scrolls as he could manage before hurrying to heed his king’s orders—truly their relationship had improved immensely, as he once would not have dreamed of any such delays.
“Yes, my k—gack!”
Mobei-jun seized Shang Qinghua by the collar and hauled him up to eye level to better glower at him. Shang Qinghua tried not to be horny, though his attempts were unsuccessful.
“Give me a child,” Mobei-jun demanded.
Shang Qinghua blacked out on the spot. Mobei-jun rolled his eyes and heaved Shang Qinghua’s limp body to the side of the room, where he landed on a divan that seemed custom-positioned for this very purpose.
“How long are we gonna have to wait?” Sha Hualing griped, jiggling her leg impatiently. The room was filled with the frantic sound of jingling bells. “I don’t have all day!”
Mobei-jun strode to the divan and pressed two fingers to Shang Qinghua’s forehead. Shang Qinghua awoke with a start as icy cold energy burst through him, and his wide eyes immediately met Mobei-jun’s once more.
“Give me a child,” Mobei-jun ordered him. “Now.”
As Shang Qinghua looked ready to pass out again, Mobei-jun grabbed one of his legs and yanked it hard. The action pulled a shriek from Shang Qinghua, as well as a rambling string of words.
“I-I-I-I, my king, I can’t, I can’t just, do it—right now—even if, even if, even if I had the appropriate p-parts, there’s, there’s still a waiting p-period, and—”
Sha Hualing scoffed. “Please. We all know you’re the ringleader of that one peak where you cultivators keep all your stuff. You expect us to believe you have to make an appointment to waltz in there and grab a baby or two off the shelves? A good baby, not an ugly one. And especially not an ugly boy one.”
Although Shang Qinghua was being dangled upside-down by his leg, he retained enough presence of mind to gather from Sha Hualing’s statement that there seemed to be a misunderstanding about where babies came from. After pushing down some strange sense of disappointment, he began to clarify the matter to the two demons present.
“Human babies don’t…do well in extended storage,” he said. “You see, when a human man and a human woman love each other very much…”
A few minutes and some helpful diagrams and hand gestures later, Sha Hualing and Mobei-jun wore twin expressions of disgust.
“You just let your spawn burst out of your actual body like that?!” Sha Hualing said, revolted at this pathetic mistake of evolution. “How are you supposed to defend yourself when they come at you with a mace afterward?!”
“Human children don’t…tend to develop the motor skills to hold weaponry until a few years down the line,” Shang Qinghua explained.
Sha Hualing rolled her eyes in frustration, and her jiggling leg filled the air once more with jingling that expressed her annoyance. “Seriously? Then what the hell am I supposed to do with it after I use it on Mingyan? You said I can’t even put it in storage until it ferments into something less stupid and useless!”
Shang Qinghua began to have his own doubts about the matter. “Well…you could use it as a bonding experience, tell her how much it looks like the two of you—”
Sha Hualing snapped her head in Shang Qinghua’s direction and stared daggers at him. “What,” she said, her tone dangerously flat.
Although Shang Qinghua flinched backward, it didn’t really help—he was still being dangled upside-down by Mobei-jun, after all. It had made drawing those diagrams pretty difficult. Sha Hualing approached him like a prowling wild cat.
“What did you say…about some human spawn stealing my look?”
“Human…humans generally look like their parents…” Shang Qinghua stammered. “I mean, l-look at Lord Luo and his father…”
“I thought that was because he was some sort of dark omen that foretold destruction! Or that he was actually a clone or something!” Sha Hualing exclaimed. “You’re telling me that humans just live in a house with a bunch of people who look exactly like them?! And I’m not letting some spawn steal my style! They need to get their own!”
Shang Qinghua really couldn’t think of a response to that. “…Well, I can tell you that we don’t have a baby vault on my peak…or any peaks…and I don’t really know where you’d get a baby that meets your…specifications regarding martial prowess…”
Huffing to herself, Sha Hualing flounced toward the door in a flurry of red silks and jingling jewelry. “Whatever! I’ll find one if I go looking! Thanks for nothing, jerk!”
The door slammed behind her. Shang Qinghua shivered. The temperature in any room occupied by Mobei-jun was always rather chilly, but it seemed especially severe right now—and was only getting colder by the moment. Shang Qinghua felt himself being lifted by his leg, higher and higher, until he was once more at eye level with Mobei-jun. Mobei-jun stared at him critically, then reached out with one hand to pinch his face by the cheeks and turn it this way and that. Shang Qinghua accepted this without complaint, because complaining wouldn’t do any good.
“D-Does my king have any further questions on the subject?”
Mobei-jun seemed satisfied with his findings and released Shang Qinghua’s face. “Our features are complementary. There will be no excuse if you give me an ugly child.”
Shang Qinghua passed out again.
--
Sha Hualing flung herself across a bench next to a pond on Xian Shu Peak, swooning in dismay. The location seemed tailor-made for dramatic fits of emotion. The willow trees swayed with the breeze and the lilies in the garden nodded and the songbirds sang a sad, sad song of a maiden in love.
She had run all over the mountain range and hadn’t found a single baby! She’d looked in every place where she thought humans would be likely to want to…gag…go through that disgusting birthing process—in every cave, in every storage house, up all the tallest trees and into all the deepest caverns. Not a single baby laying around to borrow! It’s not like she was gonna keep it after showing it to Liu Mingyan, so why was every single human around here being so stingy?!
Suddenly, Sha Hualing heard the sound of girlish singing and skipping feet. Someone was approaching down the stone path. Upon closer inspection, it was that girl from the lord consort’s peak, Ning Yingying—
Sha Hualing’s thoughts screeched to a halt upon remembering that name, then the cogs of her wicked and devious mind began to churn once more.
Ning Yingying, eh? A baby’s a baby!1 Sure, the lord had said in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t to pester anyone from the lord consort’s peak, but it wasn’t like she was gonna mangle the girl—she would even give her back to the lord consort after! Heh heh heh, and that meant she would be off the hook for doing that boring “raising” stuff, too!
With a mind empty of all thoughts and a heart full of song, Ning Yingying continued to skip down the stone path on her way back from her shijie’s book club. Reading was so much fun with friends! And even more fun when they read books with lots of sex and violence! Suddenly, a familiar half-naked lady strutted into Ning Yingying’s path. Her skipping feet skidded to a stop, and the half-naked lady darted over to catch her before she fell over.
“Thanks!” Ning Yingying said.
“It’s nothing,” Sha Hualing purred. “After all, I’m your new mother.”
Ning Yingying was confused, though this was an even more familiar emotion to her than the sight of Sha Hualing’s perpetual nudity. “I don’t think you are. When did that happen?”
“Right now,” said Sha Hualing. “But don’t worry. Not only will you have me as a mother, but I’ll even give you a gift to mark the occasion.”
She produced a beautiful silver knife from…somewhere…and showed it to Ning Yingying.
“This is a rare, enchanted blade that’ll suck all the vitality from whoever you stab with it,” she purred.
Ning Yingying seemed unimpressed. “Don’t most knives do that? If you stab someone, their blood comes out.”
Sha Hualing arched an eyebrow. “Well, aren’t you an expert?”
Nodding excitedly, Ning Yingying whipped out an even bigger, more vicious knife from her belt. “Yeah! When I first came to the sect, shizun gave me this and taught me how to cut men’s thingies off! But I think he forgot about it since he got really scared when I showed him how good he taught me on a bad man that tried to break into the inn we were all staying at this one time! He told me not to do that anymore.”
Sha Hualing felt warmth bloom in her black, black heart. What a talented daughter she had… Was this the feeling of motherhood?
“Well, that won’t do as a gift, then,” she said, shoving the knife back wherever it was. “What else could my daughter want as a present, hmm?”
Ning Yingying seemed to have gotten distracted by the shine of her knife’s blade in the setting sun. Indeed, this was Sha Hualing’s daughter! Fascinated by shiny things! Able to neuter a man at fifty paces!
“How about…five thousand pulls in that gambling game I hear is so popular with humans these days?” Sha Hualing offered a gift card emblazoned with the logo of the hottest gatcha title on the market, Celestial Confluence/Cultivation Cross.
Ning Yingying gasped and snatched the gift card eagerly. “Thanks, mommy!”
Sha Hualing smirked. Lots of humans went for that deal; the things they’d do for pulls. The contract had been forged, and now there was only one matter left to attend to…
--
“Ming—yan—” trilled Sha Hualing as she breasted boobily into the library where Liu Mingyan was writing her latest weird porn novel. “I’m with child—!”
Liu Mingyan’s eyebrows raised at Sha Hualing’s latest attention-seeking tactic, then raised further at the sight of Ning Yingying trailing behind her; a vicious-looking knife clutched in one hand as she tapped away on a glowing screen floating in front of her.
“…” said Liu Mingyan, bracing herself for the incoming impact of tits ramming into her side.
With her buxom greeting thus delivered, Sha Hualing bounded up and down in place seemingly for no reason other than to attempt to hypnotize Liu Mingyan with her bouncing boppers. Her jewelry jingle-jangled ceaselessly.
“You know what you have to do—!” she sang out, each word punctuated by jiggles and jingles. “You’ve got to take responsibility—!”
Now, Liu Mingyan was familiar with how human children were made, and was aware that the demonic race’s process differed in certain areas. Surely there still needed to be some form of intimate contact, however, which had certainly not happened—Liu Mingyan would lose her creative drive if she allowed herself to engage in such temptations. Of course, the matter of them both being women was hardly a factor with all the magic bullshit around, and furthermore that might also be resolved when Sha Hualing’s demonic biology was taken into account. Liu Mingyan had read several novels on this very topic, and had read several more that posited alternative methods of reproduction. Although the A/B/O model seemed more focused on facilitating male-male reproduction, Liu Mingyan had spent extensive time drafting notes on a female-centric novel that would address this gap in worldbuilding—
“Mingyan!” Sha Hualing screeched in Liu Mingyan’s ear. “You know how this is supposed to work! You’re supposed to take responsibility! You’re supposed to put a ring on it! You’re supposed to sweep me off my feet and ride my face into the sunset!”
“No, that’s not how it would work…” Liu Mingyan mumbled, lost in thought. How would face-riding factor into a female-female model of A/B/O? Especially when it was an alpha (herself) riding an omega’s face (Sha Hualing, obviously). It was simply illogical.
Sha Hualing flung herself to the ground and began to throw a kicking, screaming tantrum. Ning Yingying squealed with delight and tried to show her the glowing screen.
“Look, mommy! I got two copies of my waifu in one ten-pull!”
Unless…unless female alphas stored sperm in their tongues? Surely that was just as logical as the idea of scissoring being some sort of summoning ritual for torrents of gushing semen. Less messy, too. Liu Mingyan would have to consult zoological and demonological records to determine whether there was any precedent for such things, lest she get obnoxious fanmail disparaging her commitment to realism—as if realism was so goddamn important when it came to telling a story! The emotional response was the secret sauce; the gushing secret sauce—
“Mommy, don’t be so upset,” cooed Ning Yingying, trying to dodge Sha Hualing’s flailing limbs to properly comfort her. “Shijie is just like her older brother, you know? She’s just not interested in that kind of thing.”
At that comment, Liu Mingyan’s world seemed to shatter around her.
No…no, she was nothing like him on this matter…
Her brush fell from her shaking fingers and landed on the floor with a clatter. She clutched her forehead, her eyes wild and terrified at this horrible realization.
It wasn’t true…it was impossible! She wasn’t like that loser virgin at all! She did this for her art, for the pursuit of higher creativity—he did it because he was too stupid to know when he’d been beat, and too proud to call a truce and take the threesome option!
Could it be that she had lost her way…? She was so focused on reaching the peak that she had not kept her eyes on the path. Yes, she had a truly awe-inspiring number of bestselling weird porn novels under her belt. But what did that matter when it had come at such a terrible, unthinkable cost—that she was now perceived as her brother’s sister in all things, including the absolute state of his love life?
She couldn’t allow this. She wouldn’t allow this. Even if Sha Hualing would steal her creativity through her vagina, she had to smash.
Liu Mingyan stood and strode over to Sha Hualing, scruffing her and pulling her up in one fluid motion before carrying her out of the library and toward her own room. Sha Hualing’s screeching was loud and clear the entire way. It abruptly ceased, then started once more. Ning Yingying thought she should probably check on her mother. She continued to tap at her glowing screen.
--
“Yingying, I heard you got back to your room very late last night,” Shen Qingqiu said in a stern tone. “What were you doing?”
Ning Yingying tucked her hands behind her back, lowered her head, and sheepishly dug the toe of her boot into the grass. “I sold myself to the demons for five thousand pulls in my gatcha game.”
Shen Qingqiu opened his mouth, then closed it. He slowly opened his fan to cover his expression.
“…I understand,” he said with utmost sincerity. “Just do it before curfew next time.”
--
“Shizun,” Luo Binghe purred into Shen Qingqiu’s ear. “I’ll give you all you need… All you could ever want… All I need…is for you to ask me for it.”
Shen Qingqiu was turning a progressively deeper shade of red. His fan had already been snatched from him, so he had nothing to hide behind, nothing to defend himself with—as if that ever did anything but rile Binghe up even more! He had nothing to blame but his own greed for the sorry situation he found himself in right now, but he still planned to put at least a little bit of blame on Luo Binghe’s beastly appetite!
“You know full well what I want,” Shen Qingqiu said through gritted teeth.
“But I need to hear shizun ask,” Luo Binghe insisted. “It’s the only way the contract will allow me to grant your request.”
Shen Qingqiu really doubted that! What did the laws of demonic physics care about currency laundering?!
“I…I…”
Luo Binghe’s breath was hot on his skin. “Hmm?”
Shen Qingqiu took a deep breath and steeled himself to state his request. “Won’t my dear husband give me five thousand pulls in Celestial Confluence/Cultivation Cross?”
The room roiled with demonic energy. Luo Binghe’s breath grew even hotter.
Shen Qingqiu hoped that he’d survive long enough to even use those damn pulls.
--
1. Ning Yingying (寧嬰嬰)'s name has the character for "baby" (嬰).[take me back]