Chapter Text
“I noticed you and Midoriya have been hanging out a lot more recently!”
Kirishima broke the cool silence of his dorm room where he and Bakugou had been studying. Well, he was trying (and failing) to study. Bakugou was busy packing up his things and getting ready to go, since he’d long since finished his homework. Normally this was when he’d lazily stretch out on Kirishima’s camo duvet, and read manga while he waited to be available for any questions Kirishima had… and also maybe make out a bit at the end if Bakugou was pleased with Kirishima’s progress. But not this time.
This time he had to leave early for one of those nightly training sessions he’d been having recently with Midoriya.
“Mm,” Bakugou grunted noncommittally, as he gathered his pens and pencils into a dark olive green case decorated with little bomb stickers Kirishima had gifted him during one of their first official dates.
Kirishima’s heart clenched a little at the sight of them as he always did. He swallowed thickly and continued on, “That’s really great man! I’m so happy you two’ve finally been getting along! What with him being your childhood friend and all, haha...”
Bakugou paused briefly and fixed him with a brief, quizzical glare as Kirishima chuckled softly and looked away, scratching the back of his head.
Blond tufts swayed gently as he shook his head in annoyance, and resumed shoving notebooks and papers into his backpack.
“Whatever,” Bakugou muttered, yanking up the zipper on his bag.
“A...Anyway! Have fun okay? I know you’ll kick ass just like always!” Kirishima chirped and gave what he hoped was a convincing, supportive grin.
Bakugou grunted again as he moved to stand, “Obviously.”
“Haha… yeah...” Kirishima trailed off as he leaned on his hands, and stared up at one of his many manly motivational posters. His giant ‘Certain Victory!’ banner screamed down at him. He sighed quietly, trying to push the familiar pangs of jealousy aside long enough for Bakugou to successfully leave his room.
Bakugou exhaled harshly as he dropped his bag and turned to face Kirishima completely.
“What.”
“What?”
“What’s the fucking problem Kirishima?”
“Wh-what problem? I don’t have a problem!” Kirishima almost squeaked defensively.
“You’re being weird again.”
Kirishima briefly met his gaze before glancing away again and smiling nervously, “It’s nothing man, don’t worry about it.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s not-”
“Something’s obviously fucking bothering you, so just spit it out already!”
“I don’t wanna make you late! And anyway it’s not a big deal, so can we please just drop it?” Kirishima sighed again, not wanting to get into an argument now.
Between school, internships, and Bakugou’s extra training sessions with Midoriya, tonight had been the first time he and Bakugou had spent any amount of alone time together in weeks. Kirishima didn’t know when the next time would be. He didn’t want to end things on a bad note. He didn’t want to risk making things worse.
“Cut the crap Shitty hair. I’m your fucking boyfriend, remember? Or does that not mean anything to you?” Bakugou snapped back.
“Wha- Of course it does!” Kirishima felt a hot flash of anger course through him at Bakugou’s words.
That’s rich, coming from him.
“Then tell me what’s wrong!” Bakugou abruptly sat back down, crossed his arms defiantly, and waited. A petulant scowl formed on his face.
Kirishima held his gaze for a few moments before groaning in defeat, and crossing his arms on the table to briefly hide. He really didn't want to talk about this now. Kirishima knew that what he was feeling, what he had been feeling, wasn't manly. And he knew that voicing those unmanly feelings was not going to get a positive reaction from his volatile boyfriend.
But, Bakugou wasn’t going to let this go.
Kirishima steeled himself for the inevitable storm that was about to come. After a few moments of deafening quiet, he raised his head slightly taking a deep breath in. His eyes focused on the tiny hairs of his arms, as he whispered from behind the safety of loose red locks.
"Why… Why didn't you come to me first?"
"What? When?" Bakugou’s gruff voice demanded.
“That night…” Kirishima continued, trying to find the confidence in himself to speak on such a delicate matter. A matter that had been bothering him for months now, before Bakugou and he had even started dating. “After the provisionals. You were all torn up about failing the exam…”
“You went to Midoriya and fought with him, instead of coming to me.” Kirishima tilted his head and tentatively peered up though his bangs.
“Hah? Why’re you bringing that up now?” Bakugou grimaced in confusion, “Did that fucking nerd say something to you?”
“N-No! Midoriya hasn’t said anything to me, no… I just,” Kirishima paused, “I guess I had always thought that, after everything that happened at Kamino, eventually you would’ve come to talk to me. But you went to fight with him instead.”
“So? It wasn’t your business,” Bakugou scoffed.
Kirishima winced at that, “Y-yeah… that's true… but," he took a deep breath, bracing himself, "I guess it also feels like it never really is...”
“Tch,” Bakugou gritted his teeth defensively, “The fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know…you just... it doesn't really feel like you're ever willing to open up to me, man," Kirishima sighed deep.
Bakugou's eyebrows furrowed, "The fuck? I tell you lots of shit."
Kirishima gnawed on his lip, sharp teeth threatening to break the skin as he continued," I mean yeah but, I don't know… I just feel like there's this part of you that I don't really know, that I'm not allowed to know. A part that… only Midoriya knows."
"That's just because he's always-!"
"No, I'm serious dude!" Kirishima powered on, his fists now clenching as he ignored Bakugou's objections, "There’s this distance between us. You and I, we kiss, and we hold hands, and go on fun dates. We do… o-other stuff too, and everytime I see you melt beneath me I think I'm gonna die from how cute you are-"
"Holy shit shut the fuck up-" Bakugou turned his head abruptly, his cheeks a blazing, bright red.
"But despite all that, it feels like there's something missing. I cherish the time I spend with you, I really do Bakugou. But the intimacy we have, it… it's not the same as what you clearly have with Midoriya. It’s as if you’re both in on some super special secret that no one else knows about, and I’m just the idiot on the outside looking in." Kirishima averted his eyes which were beginning to sting. He stared hard at the lines of fake wood painted on his particle board table.
"He knows you. I want to know you too, so bad, but…" Kirishima stifled his lip, trying to keep it from wobbling too much.
And for once, Bakugou had gone totally quiet. Whether he was at a loss for words, or patiently waiting for him to finish, Kirishima couldn't say. He glanced up and Bakugou's eyes seemed far away, conflicted.
"And now I barely get to see you anymore as it is. Which isn't anyone's fault, I know we're both busy. But… now I think back to that night, and I remember how you went to fight with him. You could have come to me, I would hope that even then you knew that I would've been more than happy to listen...but instead you chose to go fight with him."
Bakugou’s brow slowly dipped with what looked to be confusion and worry. His eyes themselves still lost in thought, "Kirishima... what're you-"
"And, don't get me wrong!" Kirishima bulldozed forward, desperate to finish his line of thought before Bakugou had a chance to shut him down on this. He needed to say this. Needed to get these poisonous feelings that had been churning inside of him for months now, out in the open. No matter the consequences. He had to know.
"I'm really happy you two were able to get it out of your system and work things out between you! Really, I am! But... when I think back to that night, and I think about how you two are now, and I can't help but think that maybe... maybe it was always going to be Midoriya... That it always will be Midoriya…”
Bakugou jerked his head up at that, sharp scarlet snapping back into focus. His scowl deepened considerably, body language going on the defensive.“Oi, Kirishima what the hell is going on," he growled low, "the fuck are you even tryin’ to say right now?”
Kirishima squeezed his kneecaps, grounding himself, and deeply inhaled from his chest. He sat back up and stared at the love of his life dead in the eye. Bakugou really was so beautiful. So manly. Whether he realized it or not, he truly owned every single inch of Kirishima’s heart. That would never change.
Red met red, and he braced for impact.
“You’re in lo-"
*VRRRRR* *VRRRRRR* *VRRRRR*
Bakugou jolted as the tension between them was cut off by a loud buzzing coming from his pocket. He quickly pulled it out to see who was calling, before making a pained face and letting out a deep sigh.
"It's Deku."
Kirishima instantly froze to the spot. All words and breath stolen from his lungs.
'Deku.'
Bakugou moved to reject the call, before aggressively typing out a quick text in response, and swearing under his breath. "Fucking shitty nerd, I'm gonna kick his ass-" He shoved his phone back into his pocket.
"I have to go." Bakugou pushed himself back up to a stand. "He must already be waiting for me outside Gym Beta."
‘ I have to go.’
Of course he does.
Even now.
Just like that, Kirishima felt what was like a hole being blown directly through his chest, ripping through all his defenses and into the deepest parts within the core of his body.
What am I doing?
What am I even trying to prove?
All the fight, determination, and hope Kirishima had been holding within himself all this time rapidly began to bleed out. Sinking away from his shoulders, out through his fingertips, and pooling into a pathetic puddle on the floor.
His lips immediately clamped shut, as he turned his head away out of equal parts shame and hurt.
Just who am I even trying to fool?
Coward.
Kirishima hung his head and breathed out, defeated, "Yeah, okay."
This isn't manly.
Bakugou gave an annoyed huff and crossed his arms, "I don't know what the fuck"s going on in that rock of a brain you've got right now, but this conversation isn't over."
Bakugou's gruff voice sounded muffled as a million heartbreaking little thoughts began racing through Kirishima's head all at once.
Am I really just going to let him walk out on me like this?
Why should I force him to stay when he’d rather be with Him?
This is NOT MANLY!
You are nothing compared to Him. To what they have.
Damn coward, SAY something!
I shouldn’t be getting in the way of that.
Finish what you started!
He doesn’t want you. And really, who would?
FIGHT FOR HIM DAMN IT!
Who would ever choose a weak, cowardly loser like you?
But…
Really…
Who even was Kirishima, in Bakugou's world? At the end of the day, boyfriend or not, he was just some guy Bakugou met in highschool, wasn't he? They hadn't even known each other for a full year yet. He was nothing compared to what those two had between them, was he? Bakugou and Midoriya were childhood friends after all. They had an inseparable bond.
Maybe it was even less manly… to stand in the way of that…
"...Oi, we're not done talking about this. You hear me, Eijirou?"
For one terrifying moment, the pang of hot tears welled up behind Kirishima's eyes at the sound of Bakugou calling him by his first name. Kirishima willed his body to hold them back, as he began digging his slightly hardened fingernails into the meat of his palm, desperate for a distraction. He gave a slight nod, deliberately not looking up to avoid eye contact.
Worse… It was downright selfish.
And… Kirishima would do anything for Bakugou Katsuki.
Anything.
Bakugou stood there expectantly for a few more moments, seemingly unsure of whether or not to just leave things like this.
"J-Just go man. Don't make yourself late on my behalf. It wouldn't be manly to keep Midoriya waiting." Kirishima finally managed to get out in what he hoped was a firm and measured voice that left no room for argument. "Honestly, it's not even that big of a deal, I'm just being stupid. Now hurry up and go kick some ass!" He tried briefly flashing Bakugou his best imitation of a reassuring smile, and even bumped his hardened fists together for good measure.
He was mere seconds away from breaking down.
And if there was one thing that Kirishima would absolutely never allow to happen, it was allowing Bakugou to see him break.
Kirishima fixed his gaze outside the window on his balcony as he waited for Bakugou to leave the room. The rising moon shined brightly, cold and beautiful, as he listened to the deafening sounds of Bakugou letting out another heavy sigh, shuffling on his bag, and silently padding out of the dorm room. He closed the door behind him with a gentle click.
Only once Kirishima knew he was completely alone, did he finally let the first few sets of tears drip down over his cheeks.
'You're in love with him, aren't you?' Kirishima had meant to ask before the interruption.
It seemed he had gotten Bakugou's answer loud and clear.