Work Text:
There are days Jamil can’t force himself to hide behind his walls. Of course, you can always see the obvious irritation painting his face, but usually he still manages to have it under control. But today he is worn out. He feels like a shirt that has lost its colour. Jade is no fool, he can see when his boyfriend is slipping. However, Jamil is a pretty hard one to understand, he almost always needs something different when he is lost in his head. Of course, Jade doesn’t mind diving into the depths of Jamil’s clouded world to figure out what it is this time.
For now, Jade is careful, observing in the ways Jamil doesn’t notice. The latter is too busy being overwhelmed by how his body is about to collapse and take down the ground below him. Every move, every breath feels like an anchor tied to his feet. Jade notices the heavy breaths, his eyes barely managing to stay open. It feels like living inside a kitchen thats trashed and hasn’t been cleaned up for months. Moldy with such stench that an average human wouldn’t be able to survive in.
“You know you can rest, Jamil.” Jade doesn’t mean to sound condescending, matter of fact, he says it as if he is holding Jamil’s tender heart in his palms and whispering to it. Unfortunately for him, the heart cracks.
“You don’t understand, Jade. Leave it.” Jamil feels like exploding. He’s on the brink of tears but he can never let himself cry in front of anyone, even Jade. He can’t let himself shrink. Every time he cries he feels like a five year old boy who just lost his toy. He can’t do it. He feels like there’s a snake slithering around his neck, waiting for the correct time to strangle him.
Jade looks at him with such tender eyes and worry that Jamil feels like he is approximately five inches tall. He can never figure out if that’s such a bad thing, but right now, he feels like dying.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Jamil’s eyes become heavier, his breathing ragged like he will collapse any second. “Jade, please. Stop.” Jamil feels like shattering. Jade is the most important person to him, he’d hate to see the pitiful look in his eyes, belittling him, looking down on him. He feels like his emotions don’t fit in his body, like its gonna split him open anytime.
“Jamil.” Jade interrupts his thought process, knowing exactly how poisonous they are to his lover. “Look at me and tell me exactly what you see in my eyes. Just don’t get lost in there. If you do, I’ll pull you out.” He says, resting his hand under Jamil’s chin.
Jamil feels his body shake. Not literally, not yet, just inside his head. Like his knees are gonna give out, like he will forget how to walk. But he finally manages to actually look his lover in the eyes.
Jade’s eyes are the most bewitching he has ever seen. He feels hypnotized, trapped. Not in the bad way, not like Jade has him under his claws. It’s comforting. Jamil feels like melting under his gaze. Just a second before he felt like Jade was about to snap him in half, like he couldn’t stand looking at him. But now, inspecting it close feels different. Looking through Jades mismatched eyes, he feels his breath get caught in his throat.
“Jamil?” Jade snaps him out. “Well?”
Oh. Right.
“I don’t know. I really don’t.” Jamil feels his voice getting lost in thin air.
“That’s alright.” Jade smiles at him and it’s the most ravishing thing he has ever seen.
Jamil knows he isn’t the easiest person to deal with, but sometimes he lets himself believe Jade doesn’t mind. He wants to believe that maybe, there’s finally someone who won’t be overwhelmed by his irrational thoughts. And of course Jade doesn’t mind. Its quite the opposite. He has never once thought Jamil was a liability or hard to deal with. Hard to understand? Possibly. But he likes riddles. He likes taking care of Jamil. After all, it’s Jamil he fell for.
Nonetheless, Jamil still can’t snap out of it. He is exhausted. Jade knows this, he doesn’t expect Jamil to feel better right now. All he wants is to make him understand that he can rely on Jade.
“Jamil?”
“Hmm?” Jamil hums, unmoving.
“You know I love you. I would drown the whole world and everyone in it if it meant you’d be safe.” Wide eyed, Jamil puts his hand on Jade’s mouth before he can continue.
“Shut up. Don’t say stuff like that. I love you too.”
“Mm.” Jade takes his hand and kisses it gently few times. Jamil can never get used to how benign his lover truly is underneath his cynical demeanor.
After a while of Jade not stopping, Jamil yanks his hand away and quickly leans in to kiss Jade instead.
“Let’s go eat, yeah?” Jamil says, blush running over his face.
Jade can sense the tiredness in his voice. Looking at Jamil, he feels like collecting broken glass pieces on the floor and stitching them back together.
“Of course. I’m preparing today though.”
“But it’s my turn today.” Jamil protests.
“Rest. You can repay me later. It’s on me now. Just sit down, lie down, whatever you want.” Jade plants a quick kiss on Jamil’s forehead before quickly slithering his way into the kitchen.
Jamil’s head is loud, like people screaming, burning everything down, but now, at least for a little while he can lower the volume. So he follows his lover into the kitchen, observing him while sitting on the floor. It feels comfortable being on the ground. All he can hear is Jade moving around, fire crackling on the stove top. The smell of food is grounding to him.
“Thanks, lo- Jade.” He immediately feels embarrassed. It’s rare to catch Jamil be visibly embarrassed, he feels like crawling under the floor the second he hears Jade’s chuckle. A sound that always fills his ears with ecstasy.
“Of course, love.”
Nothing more needs to be said. They keep quiet for the rest of the time. Silence filled with comfort and warmth. Jamil’s favourite. Just then he thinks, maybe he can deal with this. Maybe when he’s in his head living in the most trashed apartment filled with filth, it will be okay, because Jade will be there for him. Not to clean it up, but to sit there beside him. What more could he ask for?