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Chapter Text

“No!”

Chakotay’s eyes snapped open and he took a moment to adjust to the darkness of his bedroom on New Earth.  Kathryn? Who is she yelling at?  He snatched his tricorder from atop the nightstand and started scanning, but it only read one other humanoid and no predatory animals of any sort within 5 kilometers.

She cried out again, “Yaq!! Iam, derm’a!!”

A shiver went down Chakotay’s spine as he realized what language that was.  With a speed he’d seldom used since arriving on this planet, he raced out of bed and turned on the lights in Kathryn’s room.

“Kathryn!” He yelled, squinting in the bright light. 

“Yaq!  Nuka breyet’l’Uo!!!

Forcing calm into his voice, he said loudly, “Kathryn, wake up!  You’re having a nightmare.”

Kathryn gasped, face down in the bed and a small yelp of pain escaped her lips as she opened her eyes. Disoriented at finding herself in a comfortable bed instead of a cold prison cell, she slowly sat up and hyperventilated for a moment.

“Kathryn,” Chakotay said gently as he could, “are you all right?”

“Fine,” she panted. “I’m sorry for waking you up.”

He replied kindly, “It’s okay.  We don’t exactly have a full schedule tomorrow.”

She smiled minutely and said, “No. I guess not.”

Chakotay gently sat down at the foot of the bed and looked her over.  Kathryn was definitely not fine, and he could see in her face that she knew she hadn’t fooled him.  He hesitated for a moment and then said, “Kathryn… I don’t mean to overstep but… were you speaking Cardassian just now?”

“Yes,” she said softly.

He sucked in a breath and said, “You probably know that my father was murdered by Cardassians.”  When she nodded yes, he solemnly added, “My cousins were captured by them… from what I heard, my father was the lucky one.”

She quietly took a moment to digest this.  “Chakotay, I’m so sorry.”  She hugged her knees to her chest and began, “When I was an ensign-“

He tenderly took her hand, so much colder now than it was earlier that night, and she stopped to look at him.  “You don’t need to tell me anything, Kathryn.  The few I’ve known who survived Cardassian prison were never the same afterwards.  I understand if you want to keep it private.”

Kathryn barked out a bitter laugh and said, “I need to talk, and no offense, but it’s not as if I have anyone else to talk to.”

“None taken,” Chakotay replied with a kind smile.

She gripped his hand tighter and slowly told him about the Al-Batani, the science mission gone awry, her captain begging in vain for Gul Zaala not to fire.  Beamed first aboard a Cardassian ship, then down to Cardassia Prime, where she found herself at the hands of Gul Maret and his lackey, Trusad.  Trusad beat her and used her to meet his needs, sometimes both simultaneously, and often forced her captain to watch what he did to her.  When that didn’t work, Maret came in, also seeking to have his needs met.

“We were only in there a week when Section 31 broke us out,” she said, staring into the middle distance and still holding Chakotay’s hand.  “It was almost two months before I could return to active duty.”

Tears glistened in his eyes as he gently stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.  “Does anyone else on the ship know about this?”

“Yes.  Tuvok knows because his quarters were next to mine on the Lovell and I woke him up a few times.  He taught me Vulcan meditation, which helped a great deal.  I haven’t had a nightmare that bad in years.”  She paused and added, “And Tom Paris knows… because his father was my captain.”

“Oh.”  Chakotay said.  Cardassians turned the admiral angry, and he went on to raise an angry son.  Suddenly, Tom’s behavior made much more sense.

She chewed her lip for a moment and said, “Chakotay… would you stay with me?”

“Of course, Kathryn,” he murmured.  “I’ll always keep you safe.”  He laid down next to her and wrapped an arm around her, and she rested her head on his shoulder.  When he woke up the next morning to the sound of birds chirping, she was already up and making coffee.

“Good morning,” she said, and for a moment, he thought he saw love in her eyes. 

“Morning.  Did you get back to sleep?”

“Yes,” she said softly.  “I was, um, thinking that after breakfast I’d do some work in the garden.”

“Okay,” he smiled at her.  He started to tell her about the boat he wanted to build to explore more of the planet, perhaps see if there are more monkeys like the one that pestered her the other night.  She liked the idea, but they didn’t have much time to discuss it, because the familiar sound of a Starfleet communicator diverted their attention.  They looked at each other in surprise and then started rummaging through the shelter to find where they’d left the blasted thing.

“Tuvok to Janeway and Chakotay, do you read?”

“Go ahead, Tuvok,” Janeway said.

“We have medicine which we believe will effectively treat your condition.  We will be in orbit for thirty hours.”

It was nice while it lasted, he thought resignedly.

When they’d packed up the last of their things, she turned to him and laid his hand on his chest, “Chakotay… if I have another nightmare when we’re back on Voyager…”

His heart did a little leap in his chest.  “Tell me to come to your quarters and discuss the leola root supply,” he offered.  “It sounds innocuous enough, and no one will question it.”

“All right,” she said with a smile, and then told Voyager to beam them up.

Chapter Text

Months passed, and they didn’t mention it again – New Earth, holding hands, her nightmare, sharing the bed – none of it.  At first, he figured she was just trying to keep her distance. Then the ship got hijacked by Seska and the Kazon and they were all stuck on some barren planet, and he had little chance to think about anything besides ensuring that everyone survived the day. One night, they cuddled up for warmth, but again she woke up before him and they didn’t discuss it. They eventually retook the ship and life continued as normal, or what passes for normal when one is 70,000 light years from home.

And then the crew had shore leave on Akritiri.

Six hours after the first group of crewmembers beamed to the surface, Ayala hailed the ship to report an explosion in the capital and resulting unrest, and Janeway recalled everyone immediately. Twenty minutes after she gave the order, with the situation on the surface continuing to deteriorate, she was antsy to get going.

“Tuvok,” she barked, “is everyone back yet?”

With usual Vulcan calm, he replied, “No. Tom Paris and Harry Kim are not on Voyager.”

She and Chakotay looked at each other like a couple of parents ready to explode at their wayward teens.

At first, Chakotay seethed. Those two never take anything seriously!  When will they learn this isn’t a game?  He snorted to himself and decided that they were probably flirting with some local women and had no clue what had transpired. When they get back, they’ll be scrubbing plasma conduits for a week!

However, Tom and Harry did not come back. Nor did they respond to hails. And despite multiple scans with increasing resolution, Tuvok couldn’t find them anywhere on the planet.

This is not right, Chakotay decided.  Even Paris and Kim aren’t that irresponsible.  He could tell that Kathryn had the same thought, because she began hailing the Akritirian authorities and working her way up the chain with increasing irritation.  When she was informed that Tom and Harry were sentenced to life in prison in an unknown location, she cursed in languages that he didn’t know she knew.

It took days for them to make any headway in finding Paris and Kim, and all the while Kathryn paced and snarled and sweated and drank enough coffee to float a Galaxy-class starship.  When they finally located the prison ship, Kathryn insisted on leading the rescue mission.  He started to talk her out of it, but then he saw that look in her eyes that said she was on a crusade, and backed down. He had a sick feeling in his stomach the whole time she was gone, convinced that he’d made a big mistake in letting her go and that none of them would ever come back.

When she hailed them to say that the mission was a success, he could have sobbed with relief.

That night, Chakotay took Beta Shift for Kathryn, who needed to write a report on the rescue of Paris and Kim.  After Gamma Shift came on, he returned to his quarters, curled up with a cup of hibiscus tea and a good book, and then he got the comm he least expected.

“Janeway to Chakotay… I’d like to discuss the leola root supply with you, please.”

“Acknowledged, Captain. On my way.”

He darted next door, the corridor mercifully empty of crew members who might see him entering the captain’s quarters in his T-shirt and pajama shorts, and rang Janeway’s door chime.

“Come,” she said as the doors opened for him.

On the couch sat Kathryn Janeway, wearing an old Starfleet Academy T-shirt and gray pajama pants, a haunted expression on her face. “Hi,” she peeped.

He sat down next to her and carefully studied her. “Nightmare?”

She avoided his eyes as she whispered, “Yes. God, Chakotay, the smell of that place… I don’t know how, but it was just like Cardassia Prime.  Sweat and blood and shit and who knows what else…”

He tenderly took her hand and said, “I’m so sorry, Kathryn. I should’ve gone with you.”

She shook her head vehemently. “No. The ship needed you here. In case…”

They both allowed that thought to hang silently in the air for a moment, and then she groaned, “And when I came back, I read the Doctor’s report of Mr. Kim’s injuries.”

Chakotay gave her a puzzled look. “I thought that Paris was the one who’d been stabbed?” He’d heard a little about the rescue from Ayala and Lang, but it was possible they were simply misinformed; ship’s gossip was notoriously unreliable.

“He was,” she explained, eyes still fixed on the floor, “but Kim was assaulted too.” She licked her lips and lifted her head to look him in the eye. “What I’m about to tell you must remain between us. Understood?”

“Yes.”

She sucked in a deep breath and said, “After Tom was stabbed, he and Harry asked another prisoner if they could stay in his shelter. The other prisoner agreed… on the condition that…” she gulped and clenched her fist, “… that he could use Harry’s body any time he wanted.”

Chakotay cursed under his breath.

Tears welled up in Kathryn’s eyes as she continued, “From what the Doctor described… it sounds like he wanted Harry often.”

Chakotay sighed and shook his head.  “How is he?”

“I don’t know. He just seemed so haunted when I saw him in Sick Bay.” She paused for a moment and choked out, “I was supposed to protect him! I told his mother I’d bring him back safe and sound, and instead I put him in the fucking Delta Quadrant, where he gets raped by alien criminals!”

Chakotay took his time to respond, and when he finally did, he carefully said, “I think this is how Owen Paris must have felt.”

She looked at him blankly. “What do you mean?”

“Admiral Paris was a friend of your father’s, right?”

“Yes.”

“Imagine what he thought after the two of you were rescued: he took his friend’s daughter on a mission, he promised he’d bring her back in one piece, and she was captured by the Cardassians.  He probably thought that you and your father both hated him.”

She looked at him with confusion. “But I don’t hate him, and neither did my father. Owen couldn’t have predicted what would happen to us, and if he did, he’d have done everything in his power to avoid it.”

Chakotay squeezed her hand and said, “I think Harry Kim would say the same about you.”

“This is different,” she insisted. “Owen was in the prison with me.  I heard his screams when they…” she gulped and turned away and then continued, “and while Harry and Tom were in that prison, I was here, drinking coffee!”

“And planning to get them out.”

“Not fast enough,” she countered.

“But you did get them out,” Chakotay said firmly. “And I know they’re grateful for it, and so is everyone who cares about them.” He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and said, “You’ve done enough for one day, Kathryn. Your crew is safe. We’re a long way from the Akritirians or anyone else who’d wish us harm. Let’s get some rest, and I’ll check on Harry in the morning.”

“Okay,” she said softly. “Stay?”

“Of course,” he said, and padded back to the bedroom with her.

The next morning, she had the early shift, but since he came on later, she let him sleep in. He thought she kissed the top of his head before she left that morning, but he was never sure if it was real or a dream.

Chapter Text

He hadn’t stayed at the party long. At first, he’d wanted to go, and there were things to celebrate – Tuvok had a new granddaughter, Greskrendtregk sent his love to Sam and Naomi, Harry’s parents were well. But roughly an hour into the festivities, he finally admitted to himself that his heart wasn’t in it. 

Li-Paz is gone. K’Tarra is gone. Sakonna is gone. Hundreds of others are gone. Everyone else is in prison.  

Noticing the absence of B’Elanna, Dalby, Gerron, and most of the other Maquis, he didn’t feel right remaining in the Mess Hall. He made some excuse to Kathryn about being tired from a long day of work, and she gave him a skeptical look but let him go.

He tried to distract himself with a book about Orion coming-of-age ceremonies, but he couldn’t concentrate. Eventually, he flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling until the nightmares started.

He was running as fast as he could, feet pounding against the dirt and screams echoing all around as he tried to escape. He saw some of his compatriots incinerated by phaser beams, others died in agony when caught by the Jem’Hadar.  He stopped in his tracks and nearly fell flat on his face when something caught his leg. When he looked down, he saw Li-Paz clinging to his ankle and begging, “Please don’t leave me!”

“I have to! Let go!”

“Take me with you!” Li-Paz yelled, face covered in blood and abject terror in his eyes.

“No, I can’t! Let me go!”

“Chakotay!” Li-Paz pleaded. “Lights at 100%!”

Suddenly a blinding light seared his eyeballs, and he heard Kathryn calling his name.  “Chakotay!”

He blinked as first the bedsheets, then his nightstand came into focus. According to the chronometer, it was almost midnight. He looked up to see her standing in his bedroom doorway and slurred, “Kathryn?”

“Chakotay,” she whispered, and came to kneel on the floor next to his bed. 

She was once again in her pajamas, and he would later wonder how she made old T-shirts and baggy shorts look so cute. But right now, he merely blinked at her and mumbled, “Did I wake you?”

“No,” she said kindly. “I was reading in bed when I heard you.  I thought… maybe you wanted to talk about the leola root supply.”

“Yes,” he said, gesturing for her to join him on the bed. “How did you get in?”

“Captain’s privilege,” she replied smugly, and came around to the other side of the bed and sat down. Her expression turned somber as she asked, “Why didn’t you tell me about the Maquis?”

“It just didn’t seem like the right time,” he said lamely, tugging at his ear.

“Chakotay,” she gently chided him, “of course it was. The destruction of the Maquis affects half of my crew. This is information I need to have.”

He looked down at the sheets in slight embarrassment; of course Kathryn would want to help her crew however she could. “I’m sorry, Captain.”

“It’s all right, Chakotay.” She took his hand and murmured, “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“You’d say that if you’d just had your legs ripped off by a Trayken beast,” she said, parroting what he’d told her earlier.

Chakotay sighed heavily. “I told B’Elanna and the others that this was the risk we took when we joined the Maquis. But even when you understand the risks, you don’t think you’ll ever have to confront them.”

She took a moment to gather her thoughts and then said, “I disagreed with many of the Maquis’ tactics, but I understood their anger with the Federation. I never thought it was right for us to abandon colonies to the Cardassians.”

He looked at her skeptically and asked, “So why did you accept the assignment to apprehend us?”

She looked him dead in the eye and said, “Because I knew that if I didn’t catch you, the Cardassians would.”

He smiled slightly and said, “I’m glad you found us.”

She rolled her eyes and snorted, “You’re glad to be in the Delta Quadrant?”

His expression softened as he replied, “You forget, the Caretaker brought us to the Delta Quadrant first. I was going to be here regardless, and I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather be here with.”

“Me either,” she said shyly.

There was an awkward pause and then he said, “Kathryn… I’m not up to discussing what happened to the Maquis, but I’d like for you to read the letter Sveta sent me. It’ll help you understand what the crew is going through.”

“I will,” she replied solemnly, “in the morning. But right now, it’s almost 0100, and as I recall, we both have Alpha shift tomorrow.”

He hadn’t intended to say this, but the words just seemed to fall out of his mouth. “Would you like to stay here tonight?”

“Yes,” she said with a grateful smile, and crawled under the covers.  They were both sound asleep in minutes.

The next morning, his alarm jangled at 0630, and she groaned sleepily and rolled over in his bed. “Just a few more minutes,” she grumbled.

“Okay, Kathryn,” he said fondly, and went to take a shower. As he got cleaned up, he thought about kissing her awake, but by the time he stepped out of the bathroom, she was gone.

He thought that once again they’d just pretend that nothing happened, but as usual, Kathryn Janeway surprised him.  When Alpha Shift ended at 1600, she called him into the Ready Room, and he found her on the couch, holding Sveta’s letter with a doleful expression on her face.  As he sat down next to her, she said, “Chakotay, I’m so sorry.”

“Thank you.”

After a slight hesitation, she asked, “Do you think the Maquis would like to have a memorial service for their fallen comrades?”

“You’d do that for us?”

“Of course. You’re my crew,” she responded matter-of-factly.

The service came together quickly; they decided to allow everyone to speak about their deceased comrades, with Chakotay officiating. Neelix insisted they use the Mess Hall and provided coffee, tea, and pastries that were luckily devoid of leola root. As soon as word of the tragedy spread around, the Starfleet crew members moved heaven and Earth to cover the shifts of all the Maquis who wanted to attend. A few of the ‘Fleeters even attended – Tom came and held B’Elanna’s hand and Tuvok spoke about some of the Maquis he’d known while undercover. To his everlasting shock, Kathryn attended too. During the proceedings, she stayed towards the back in order to avoid drawing attention to herself, but once it was over, she made her way around the room and spoke to as many of the crew as she could, hugging them and occasionally weeping with them.  Slowly, the crowd filtered out, and the two of them were the last ones left.

She approached him with love and grief in her eyes and said, “Chakotay, I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you,” he murmured, fighting back tears. “You didn’t have to come, Kathryn.”

She shook her head adamantly. “My crew needs to know that I care about them. Regardless of the circumstances that brought us all on to this ship, we’re one crew now. The people who crewed the Val Jean are just as important to me as the ones who boarded at Deep Space Nine.”

Her declaration made his eyes water, and he said, “Kathryn… maybe we should discuss the leola root supply tonight.”

“Okay,” she whispered. “I’m going to bed around midnight; come by my quarters any time before then.”

“Understood,” he choked.

At 2345, with the Beta shifters still on duty and the Gamma shift crew receiving report, Chakotay double-checked that the coast was clear and then darted next door to Kathryn’s quarters. He found her in bed this time, reading Kirk’s memoirs.  “Hi,” he said awkwardly.

“Hi,” she smiled at him, and it looked like the sun rising. “Come in.”

He climbed into bed and she put down the book.  “I should replicate you a set of pajamas to keep here. I can only imagine what the crew would think if they saw you coming into my quarters ready for bed.”

He smiled back at her and said, “Tom Paris would get a lot more takers for his betting pool.”

She looked at him as if he’d just started speaking Andorian. “Betting pool?”

“Yes,” he replied, and smiled in spite of the sadness in his chest. “I overheard him and Harry discussing it at Sandrine’s one night; evidently about half the crew wagers that we’ll get together at some point.”

“And the other half?”

“Not participating in the pool – yet,” he said slyly.

She took a moment to chew this over, and then said softly, “It sounds like you and I have a lot to discuss… but this isn’t the time or place.”

“Agreed,” he replied with a mixture of disappointment and relief. It had been a gutwrenching afternoon; he was pretty sure he knew what Kathryn wanted their status to be, and he couldn’t handle more heartbreak today.

She turned off the light and curled up in his arms, and they held on and listened to each other’s breath until they fell into a blissful, dreamless slumber.  When his alarm woke him for Alpha Shift the next morning, he carefully slipped out of bed – Kathryn technically wasn’t on until Beta Shift, although she’d undoubtedly start work well before that – and on his way out, planted a soft kiss on her forehead.  She made a little murmur of appreciation, but didn’t wake up. Maybe he was out of line, but he didn’t care; after all, they probably wouldn’t ever do that again.

Chapter Text

As usual, they didn’t have a chance to discuss any of it before the Delta Quadrant threw another crisis at them.  The Hirogen overran the ship, and there was a month-long gap in his memories during which the crew had been brainwashed into fighting each other on the holodeck.  When they finally negotiated a truce and the last of the Hirogen left, Voyager was, to put it mildly, a mess.

As soon as the Hirogen were out of sensor range, Kathryn called a meeting of all the senior staff (except for Harry Kim, who was still recuperating in Sick Bay).  Looking around the half-destroyed Briefing Room at everyone’s faces, worn out from a battle they didn’t remember fighting, Chakotay felt despair for the first time since they’d been in the Delta Quadrant.

“B’Elanna, what’s our status?” Kathryn asked.  From her tone, he could tell that she already knew the answer.

“Not good,” B’Elanna replied wearily.  “Half the crew quarters are uninhabitable, the plasma conduits on Decks 9 through 12 are nonfunctional, and we’re starting to get microfractures in the inner hull.  We need to land somewhere to make repairs.”

Tom piped up, “Seven and I have been studying the star charts for this region, and we found an uninhabited M class planetoid that looks safe – there’s no dilithium and nothing else of value, so none of the local powers have taken an interest in it.  We can get there in a couple of days at Warp 6.”

Kathryn turned back to B’Elanna.  “Can the engines still handle that?”

“Yes.  The warp core was the one thing the Hirogen didn’t touch.”

“Finally, some good news,” Kathryn muttered. “Tom, set a course.  Tuvok, I want you to assign some of your people to assist B’Elanna’s team with repairs; the Hirogen compromised most of our systems and we need to know exactly how bad the damage was.  Chakotay, find out which crew members are currently unable to use their own quarters and get them temporary reassignments.  Doctor, what’s the crew’s status?”

“We have thirty-three crew currently unfit for duty, however, I expect all of them to make a full recovery within the next week.”

She nodded.  “Keep me posted.  Once we land, we’ll need every pair of hands on this ship working on repairs.  Dismissed.”

After everyone else filed out, Chakotay turned to study her.  “Are you all right, Kathryn?  I’ve never seen you look so tired.”

“No,” she admitted.  “My quarters are a disaster – I don’t even want to know what the Hirogen Alpha was doing in there – and I only managed about three hours on the Ready Room couch today.

Before he could stop himself, he said, “Mine are decent.  Stay with me.”

“I couldn’t-“

He knew this was foolish, but he wasn’t about to give up now.  “You heard B’Elanna.  Everyone else on the crew has either been put out of their own quarters or will need to take in a roommate.  No one will think anything of it – in fact, you’d probably do a lot of damage to your reputation if you didn’t bunk with someone.”

“My mother said I deserved a first officer who’d keep me on my toes,” she replied, shaking her head.  “All right, Chakotay, you convinced me.  I’ll stay with you until we get everyone’s quarters repaired.”

It turned out that “with you” didn’t mean much this time.  She was running herself ragged, working eighteen-hour days on the repairs, and he was on much the same schedule.  She slept in his bed, but they were seldom there at the same time, and never for more than an hour at a time.  Whatever they might have felt about romance, neither of them had the time or energy to act on it, or even discuss it.

On their seventh morning on the planetoid, Chakotay came off a long night shift of mucking out Crewman Dorm 1.  It took him more than twelve hours, but finally Telfer, Lang, Simmons, and Ramirez would be able to sleep in their own beds.   Stifling a yawn, he headed for the Mess Hall.  He wasn’t merely looking for breakfast; yesterday, Neelix, Sam, and Naomi went outside to forage for edible plants on the surface, and he needed to know the results of the expedition.

“Good news, Commander!” Neelix said, with even more than his usual exuberance.  “Yesterday’s mission was a huge success!  We found large supplies of leola, and this planet has some of the most interesting fruits!  Here, taste this,” he said, handing Chakotay a wedge of some purple citrus fruit.

Chakotay cautiously put it in his mouth and immediately made a noise of delight.  It was as sweet as cotton candy, but also pleasantly tart.  “That’s delicious!  What is it?”

“Naomi named it ‘zulax fruit’ – after the Talaxian word for ‘hope.’  It’s high in fiber and ascorbic acid; I’m going to add this to the pancake syrup tomorrow.”

“Excellent work, Mr. Neelix.  Tell Naomi I like the name, too.”  Turning serious, he asked, “Have you seen the captain lately?”

Worry clouded Neelix’s expression.  “No, not since the night before last.  Chell said she didn’t come to the Mess Hall at all yesterday, even after we got the replicator back online.”

Chakotay frowned.  “If it’s all right with you, I’m going to take her one of these and a cup of black coffee.  I don’t think she slept last night either.”

Neelix started to ask something, but thought better of it and fetched Chakotay a lunchpail with two of the fruits, two pastries, and a travel mug of coffee.  “Tell her she needs to rest some time, Commander.”

Now, where would she be?  They’d turned off the computer’s Locate Crewmember functionality to save power, so he’d have to do this the old-fashioned way.  Roughly forty-eight hours ago, Kim had reported that the team finished with the plasma relays on Deck 9, and there hadn’t been any updates since, which meant they were still working on Deck 10.  He knew approximately where they’d started, but they could be just about anywhere on Deck 10 by now.  Hopefully he’d find her before the coffee cooled off…

He must have crawled through miles of Jeffries tubes before he found her.  His hands ached, his shoulders creaked, his eyes blurred with fatigue, and his knees would never forgive him.  One more corner, he told himself.  I’ll go around one more corner to the next junction, and if I don’t find her, I’ll take the food back to our quarters.

And then, as if she’d been beamed there, she appeared.  She was sitting in front of an access panel, hair failing into her face as she fumbled a plasma continuity meter with tired fingers.  He smiled and said, “Kathryn.”

Her eyes snapped open and she dropped the meter.  “Chakotay?  What are you doing here?”

“Bringing you breakfast.”  He sat down next to her, unhooked the lunchpail from his belt and then handed her the coffee.  “I hope it’s still warm; I got it from Neelix over an hour ago.”

She gratefully took a sip and said, “Yes,” just as her stomach rumbled audibly.  “I suppose I’ve been down here longer than I thought.”  After a beat, she looked at him askance and asked, “Did you say it was time for breakfast?”

He smiled at her and said, “Yes.  It’s about 0900 on Tuesday.  I got worried when Neelix said nobody’d seen you since Sunday night.”

“How did the trip to the surface go?”

“Very well.  Here’s one of the fruits the team picked up.” 

She eyed the fruit warily before taking a bite, and then squealed, “This is incredible!  Thank you, Chakotay,” sounding like a child on Christmas morning.

After they scarfed down the fruit and the pastries, he gently chided her, “Kathryn… you can’t keep running yourself ragged.  You need to rest.”

“I’m fine,” she grumbled.

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.  And I need to get back to work,” she snorted.  “Thank you for breakfast,” she added perfunctorily.

“Kathryn, how long are you going to keep doing this?”

“Until the ship is functional and we’re on our way back to the Alpha Quadrant again,” she grunted, not looking up from her task.

“And then you’ll just find another excuse to keep beating yourself up.  Go to bed before I have the Doctor relieve you.”

“Enough, Commander!  You’ve made your position clear, but I’m overruling you.  I will go to bed when I feel like it, and not a minute earlier,” she barked, sounding more like a petulant teen than a forty-ish starship captain.

Chakotay snorted audibly and then, unable to turn around in the close quarters of the Jeffries tube, crawled backwards, glaring daggers at her the entire time.  He couldn’t say whether it was pride or shame that prevented her from meeting his eyes.

Chapter Text

“Captain,” a deep voice intoned from behind her. 

Kathryn inhaled deeply and then dragged her eyes open.  Through gritted teeth, she said, “Chakotay, I told you I’m-“ 

She swallowed her words when she realized that she wasn’t speaking to Chakotay.

Tuvok arched an eyebrow at her.  “Captain, the first officer asked me to check on you.  It appears his concerns were valid.”

She mumbled, “What time is it?”

“It is approximately 0945.  If my memory serves me correctly, you have been working for almost twenty-six hours.  You require rest.”

“Tuvok, I just need some more coffee-“ she began, but he cut her off.

“It is illogical to assume that further consumption of stimulants will take the place of sleep.  And as Chief Security Officer, I remind you that an exhausted captain is a threat to the ship’s security.  I do not wish to formally relieve you of duty, but I will do so if necessary.”

She sighed deeply.  “Fine, Commander.  Give me four hours.”

“Eight,” he said firmly.

“Six,” she countered.

Tuvok fixed his eyes on her as only a Vulcan can and replied, “Perhaps I should have you see the Doctor.”

“All right, all right, I’m going to bed!”  Kathryn said, throwing up her hands.  “I’ll see you in eight hours, Tuvok.”

“Yes, Captain,” he replied, almost sounding pleased with himself.

She made her way out of the Jeffries tube, down to the turbolift, and then to Chakotay’s quarters.  She’d almost started thinking of them as her own, and she needed to cut that out.  It wasn’t prudent for her to get involved with her first officer, and he would probably be glad to have his own space back.  Privacy had always been at a premium on Voyager, even more so now with much of the ship in tatters.  I should ask him how the repairs of crew quarters are going.  Maybe I can lend a hand somewhere.  Her quarters would be the last ones fixed, of course, but if she contributed to the repairs, that would get the job done sooner, and her out of Chakotay’s hair.  Surely that was what he wanted. 

Especially after how I treated him today, she thought ruefully.  Her mother had always told Kathryn she was going to die single and she was finally beginning to understand why.

She entered the door code for their – his – quarters and slipped off her boots and her uniform jacket.  She started towards the sonic shower, but then she heard Chakotay snort in his sleep and decided not to risk waking him up.  She peeled off her uniform, slipped into a reasonably clean pair of cotton shorts and a T-shirt, then carefully lay down on her side facing away from him.  She stared at the wall for a few minutes, wondering why she was so tired and still wide awake, and then he rolled over in his sleep and flopped an arm over her.  She smiled warmly and cuddled close to him, and within a few minutes, she was sound asleep.

She woke up that evening feeling warm and fuzzy and more rested than she had in weeks.  Smiling, she rolled over to reach for Chakotay, in the hopes of apologizing.  But he was gone, and his side of the bed was cold.  After a quick sonic shower, she headed to the Mess Hall to find him, but Neelix told her the commander had already reported for duty – mucking out the next Crewman Dorm in the hopes of getting four more lower-deckers back into their own beds. 

Neelix lowered his voice into a conspiratorial tone and said, “He just left ten minutes ago, Captain.  If you hurry, you might catch him before he gets too deep into the work.”

She patted him on the shoulder and said, “Thank you, Mr. Neelix,” and made a beeline for the turbolift.

When entered Crewman Dorm 2, the stench nearly overpowered her.  “Dear God,” she choked, pinching her nose shut.

“Kathryn?” Chakotay said, voice muffled by a respirator.  “What are you doing?  Go back outside, you can’t be in here without a mask!”

Coughing, she nodded and they both stumbled through the doors.   When they were in the corridor, she gasped, “What the hell happened in there??”

Chakotay removed his respirator and replied, “Let’s just say that the Hirogen don’t have maids.  Or latrines.”

She suppressed a gag, and said, “I’m so sorry, Chakotay.  Do you want some help?”

He frowned slightly and said, “No.  I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“Chakotay, about yesterday… I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have been so rude.”

“It’s fine, Kathryn,” he grumbled.  “I know what’s most important to you.”

It’s you.  The words sat heavily on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t force them out.  She turned her eyes down to her boots, and he put his respirator on and returned to work.  Dejected, she went back to the Mess Hall.  At least there would be coffee.

Chapter Text

“I really thought it would work this time,” she sighed, listlessly pushing her food around on her plate.  After a long pause, she groaned, “I can’t believe I was such a fool!”

Chakotay shook his head and said, “That makes two of us.  I was convinced the Dauntless was real.”

She glumly chewed another bite of aloo gobhi and then sighed, “Do you think we’ll ever get home?”

He looked at her earnestly and said, “If anyone could get us there, you could.”

She put down her fork and said, “I mean it, Chakotay.  Do you really, truly believe we’ll get home?”

“Kathryn, I know it’ll be hard, but we’ll get there.  We have some of the smartest and most resourceful officers in the Fleet.  Any one of them could get us home.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Even Chell?”

He cracked a smile and said, “Okay, maybe not Chell.  But he’d stay out of the way.”

They were both silent for a minute, ineffectually picking at their dinner and finding it too awkward to make eye contact.  They hadn’t had a leisurely dinner alone since before the Hirogen occupation, and despite the fact that she’d been itching to talk to him, now she found herself tongue-tied.  But she’d been fretting about this ever since they’d finished making repairs, and there was no telling what further crises they could encounter before she had another opportunity like this one.

She washed another big bite down, and then said, “Chakotay… I need to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

She sucked in a deep breath and said, “If we never get home-“

“Kathryn, you can’t say that,” he said firmly.  “We’re going to get home.”

“No, listen to me.  If we ever get to the point where it’s too dangerous to keep going and we have to settle down somewhere, can we give… this a try?”

His face darkened and he said, “I can’t be your consolation prize, Kathryn.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she began. 

He snorted, “Then what did you mean?”

She barked, “Chakotay, you know I can’t be your captain and your lover at the same time!” 

“Why not?”

She folded her arms and said, “Well, Starfleet Command would probably have a few things to say about it.”

Chakotay shrugged.  “I think they’d be more lenient than you expect.  Besides, there’s not much they can do about it when they’re 60,000 light years away.”

“It’s the principle of the thing,” she insisted.  “I’ve spent the last five years demanding that my crew follow Starfleet protocols; I can’t ignore one of the most important ones!”

Chakotay looked at her for a long moment, and she could almost see the gears turning in his mind as he mulled over what to say to her next.  After what felt like an age and a half, he murmured, “What if we already have?”

Her eyes went wide and in a low voice she asked, “What are you talking about?”

“I have this memory of the holodeck, during the Hirogen occupation.  We were lying by a fire on the floor of a cave and I was holding you.”  He hesitated before adding, “I don’t think we were wearing anything.”

Her face drained of color.  “Did we…?”

“I don’t know,” he said calmly.  “Out of the 30 days we were under the influence, those five minutes are all I can remember.”

“Maybe we just… talked about the leola root supply,” she said, unconvinced.  She thought more about what he’d just said, and then she gagged.  “Oh God… the Hirogen were making porn of our crew?!?”

He gulped and said, “They… might have.”

She buried her face in her hands and groaned.  “Ugh… I thought they couldn’t violate my crew any more than they already had.” 

Be thankful you don’t have to worry about pregnancy, a little voice in her head reminded her.  Starfleet protocol stated that officers who’d been prisoners of war were to be offered emergency contraception upon release.  Janeway had told the Doctor that everyone on Voyager was technically a prisoner of war during the Hirogen occupation, and thus, every crewmember who could get pregnant was given a chance to avoid it.  They’d kept the replicators busy for over an hour producing the hypos. 

Her eyes widened as another problem popped into her head. “If the Hirogen made recordings of those… simulations, do you think they’re still in the system somewhere?”

“You want to watch them?!?” He blurted.

“No – but I worry that someone else will.”  She drummed her fingers on the table for a moment and then added, “I’ll talk to Harry about it after the meeting tomorrow.  He remembers everything, and if those files are on the ship, he’ll know how to get rid of them.”

“Good idea.”  Chakotay tugged at his ear and with a hangdog expression said, “Kathryn… I’m sorry if I upset you.  It’s taken me a long time to decide whether you even wanted this information, and I’m still not sure I made the right call.”

“Chakotay,” she said kindly, and reached over to put her hand on his shoulder.  “You did.  After all, the last thing I want is for Starfleet Command to find holos of the crew in compromising positions.”

“Good point,” he chuckled.

Eleven hours later, they were all gathered in the Briefing Room.  After the usual round of status reports, Janeway asked, “Seven, what’s ahead of us on the star charts?”

“Nothing, Captain.”

“Nothing?” Chakotay repeated.

Seven explained, “In approximately thirteen days, we will reach an expanse of space with no star systems whatsoever.  Sensors have also detected significant amounts of theta radiation, but our hull should provide sufficient protection.”

Janeway looked at Seven with incredulity.  “And how long does this expanse go on?”

“The data show that it extends for more than two thousand light years,” Seven said matter-of-factly.  “I do not recommend attempting to navigate around it.  The region’s size suggests that would be an exercise in futility.”

“I concur,” Janeway replied.   “We need to prepare for two years without a chance to resupply, so Harry, and I want you and B’Elanna to find ways to conserve deuterium.  Any and all suggestions are welcome.  Neelix, you’re to work with Seven and find options to trade for supplies between here and this expanse.  If we have to go a little out of our way, that’s fine; better than being stuck in the middle of nowhere.  Dismissed.”

As everyone started to file out, Janeway said, “Mr. Kim, a word?”

“Yes, Captain?” Harry asked.

Once the rest of the staff had left the room, Janeway said in a low voice, “Harry, it’s been brought to my attention that the Hirogen may have recorded some of the things that occurred on the holodeck during their occupation of Voyager.  Have you come across any of those files?”

Harry’s eyes widened and his face went bright red.  “Um… yes, Captain, the Hirogen made recordings… but as soon as I returned to duty, I deleted all of them.”

“You’re sure you found all of them?” Janeway said pointedly. 

“Y-yes, ma’am!  Did someone find more?”

“No, Harry, just double-checking.  Thank you for your diligence.  Dismissed.” Janeway said.  Turning back to Chakotay, she sighed, “Well, that’s one problem settled.”

“One down, a hundred more to go.  But look on the bright side: there won’t be any enemies in the expanse.  Might be nice to finally have some peace and quiet,” he offered.

“Yes,” she said cryptically, and they both went back to the Bridge.

Chapter Text

He hadn’t expected to see her tonight.  And frankly, it would’ve been fine if he hadn’t.  When he heard her say, “time to take out the garbage,” she finally seemed like herself again.  No doubt she had a lot to catch up on, and he could talk to her about it at their next dinner.  For the first time in weeks, he could stop worrying about her, could enter her quarters without worrying what he’d find when he walked in.

When his door chime rang, he expected to see Harry with a status report, or Neelix with some new recipe, or Naomi Wildman wondering if she could resume her duties as Captain’s Assistant.  Instead, he saw her, eyes red-rimmed and puffy, barging through the door the instant it opened.  It slid shut behind her, and she barely eked out the words, “can we discuss the leola root supply?”

“Of course,” he said, and slipped an arm around her shoulders as they shuffled back to his bedroom.

They sank down onto the foot of his bed and she buried her face in her hands.  “How am I going to explain this to Starfleet Command?”

Puzzled, he asked, “What do you mean?  Destroying the Malon ship?  It had to be done.  Without us, the Void aliens would’ve gone extinct.  And we’re two years closer to home.”

“No, not that.  I won’t lose a wink of sleep over the Malon,” she said.  She paused a moment, pinching the bridge of her nose and groaned, “What the hell do I say about almost two months of dereliction of duty?  God, they’ll probably drum me out just for that!”

“Kathryn, nobody’s going to drum you out,” he said gently.  “Can you imagine how the rank-and-file would react?  Nechayev would have a mutiny on her hands.”  He squeezed her a little tighter and added, “And you know what our crew would do.”

“Yes,” she said, the ghost of a smile playing across her face.

“Let’s get you to bed.  It’s been a long day,” he said, and they climbed under the covers and curled up, dozing off to the sound of the warp engines and their own breath.

When he woke up the next morning, she was gone, but she came back that night, and every night for the next week.  Then they had a rogue Borg aboard, then it was Species 8472 again, then more Tom Paris shenanigans, and before he knew it, they’d been sleeping separately for months.

Chapter Text

The plaque was back in place.  Crewmen Gilmore, Lessing, Morrow, Sofin, and Tassoni had been added to Voyager’s roster, allocated quarters, and assigned to duty rotations.  Each of them also had a “buddy” from the existing crew – someone to help them acclimate, but also a reminder that they had committed egregious violations of trust, and it would take a very long time for that trust to be restored.  For the first few weeks, he expected daily reports on the former Equinox crew; after a long enough duration of satisfactory performance, he’d push it out to weekly, then monthly.  If they managed to behave themselves for a year, then he’d think about granting them full privileges. 

That was a long way off.  For now, he didn’t even like the idea of letting them out of his sight.  He wished he could take a page out of Ernest Shackelton’s book and keep the troublemakers close to him at all times, but that would probably be even worse for everyone’s morale, not to mention raise a few eyebrows with Starfleet Command.  And I’m not completely sure they wouldn’t murder me in my bed.

His commbadge chirped, and the last voice he expected to hear – the last voice he wanted to hear – came through.  She tentatively asked, “Commander, I was wondering if we could discuss the leola root supply tonight?”

“No, I don’t think that’s necessary.  Chakotay out,” he said coldly, and shut off the lights and went to bed.

Chapter Text

A month passed.  A silent, awkward month.  He didn’t speak to her unless their duties necessitated it, and she stopped trying to elicit conversation from him after the first week.  She was certain that the crew noticed the tension between them – how could they not?  None of them commented on it, however, at least not to her.  She got the sense they were all still a little afraid of her.  She supposed she deserved it, after what she did, and what she would’ve done, if he hadn’t stopped her.  After a few days, the gravity of what she tried to do sank in.  She nearly killed a fellow Starfleet officer.  It would not have been a merciful death, either; those aliens would’ve torn him limb from limb, spewed blood and entrails and bone fragments all over the cargo bay.  Visions of the possible carnage haunted her nightmares.

At 0745, she got into the turbolift to head up to the Bridge for Alpha Shift, just as she did every morning.  He stepped in behind her, and just like each of the last thirty days, said, “good morning” and nothing more.  She answered in kind and then pretended to be absorbed in the PADD she was holding, just as she had done every one of the last thirty days.

Today, however, the turbolift came to an abrupt halt approximately thirty seconds after it started moving.  She and Chakotay exchanged glances as if to confirm that they’d both felt it, and then she tapped her commbadge and called the Bridge.  “Janeway to Kim.  Chakotay and I are stuck in a turbolift; any idea what’s going on?”

“Sorry, Captain.  There appears to be some sort of malfunction in the turbolift propulsion system.  B’Elanna’s working on it.”

She asked, “Do you have an estimate on how long the repairs will take?”

“No more than an hour, Captain.  Just sit tight; I have plenty of coffee, and there’s nothing on long range sensors.”

“Acknowledged.  Janeway out.”  Turning back to him, she said, “Well, I suppose we better get comfortable.”

“If you want,” he said with a shrug, remaining in his current position.

“I do,” she sniffed, and gracefully slid down to the floor, continuing to study her PADD.  Luckily, she had quite a few official logs to read, and that kept her occupied.

After she’d read about a dozen crewmembers’ official logs, triple-checked the day’s duty roster, and reread the breakfast, lunch, and dinner menus for the day, she noticed that he was now sitting a few centimeters to her right.  If she didn’t know better, she’d say he seemed concerned about her. 

“You look tired, Kathryn,” he said softly.

She couldn’t stop herself from rolling her eyes.  The first time he speaks to me in a month, and it’s to tell me I look tired.  “Thanks,” she grunted sarcastically.

With complete sincerity, he said, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.  First officers are supposed to keep an eye on the captain’s health.”

She put the PADD down with her left hand and leaned her head back against the wall.  She huffed, “If you must know, I didn’t sleep well last night.  Or the night before.”

“Why not?”

Eyes fixed on the ceiling, she said, “I keep having these nightmares.  Sometimes it’s Lessing: he’s tied up in the cargo bay and the aliens come for him and it’s nothing but blood and gore and screams.  Last night, it was all the Equinox crewmen; I dreamed that I executed them and they all died with my name on their lips.  When I woke up, I actually asked the computer to locate all five of them and tell me they were okay.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said softly.  After a short pause, he added, “I can tell you that they seem to be acclimating as well as can be expected.”

She turned to him and said, “Go on.”

“I’ll put all this in my official report, of course, but I’ve been getting daily updates on their progress.  Lessing has been helping out in Engineering, and Carey says he does excellent work.  Harry speaks well of Gilmore and Sofin’s productivity, the Doctor has nothing but praise for Morrow, and Seven says Tassoni’s work is satisfactory.”

“A compliment from Seven.  Mr. Tassoni should be proud,” she said with a smirk.  Turning serious, she added, “But… what about socially?  Are they integrating with the crew?”

“It’s been rough at times, but they’re getting there.  Neelix organized a game night last Thursday for all the ensigns and crewmen – no upper ranks invited – and that seems to have broken the ice.  I’m told Morrow is fantastic at Charades.”

She smiled slightly and said, “I’ll remember that at our next Prixin celebration.”

Another awkward silence hung in the air and they avoided each other’s eyes for a moment.  She hoped that Harry would comm them and tell them the turbolift was fixed, or that it would start moving again of its own accord, but sadly, the reprieve was not to be.  She sighed heavily as she looked down at the floor and said, “Those officers violated everything that Starfleet stands for.  It’s understandable that everyone else would have a hard time warming up to them.”

“Yes,” he said.  “But it’s not fair for the rest of the crew to shut them out forever, either.”

“No, I suppose not,” she said, still unable to meet his eyes.  “If this crew is going to get home, they need to work as a team.”

“It’s been hard for them, but they’re getting there,” he said softly, and laid his hand over hers.

She looked up and whispered, “You think so?”

“Yes.  The crew knows that nobody can be a lone wolf in the Delta Quadrant,” he told her with the slightest of smiles.

“And that’s why they’re the finest crew in Starfleet,” she said, gazing into his eyes.

The turbolift jolted to life once more, and B’Elanna’s voice came through her commbadge.  “Torres to Janeway.  Sorry about the delay.  The turbolift is operational again, and you should be on the Bridge in sixty seconds.  Let me know if there are any more issues.”

“Acknowledged.  Thank you, B’Elanna,” she said, as she picked up her PADD and Chakotay helped her to her feet.

They stepped on to the Bridge, where she found Harry Kim half-asleep in her chair and unusually grateful for the chance to cede his authority.  Aside from the turbolift malfunction, nothing of importance had happened on night shift, and Harry stumbled out of the captain’s chair and back to his quarters.

As soon as Harry entered the turbolift, he received a comm.  “Torres to Kim.  Did it work?”

“I think so,” Harry said, holding back a yawn.  “That was the first time I’d seen either of them smile in over a month.  Thanks for arranging that.”

He could almost hear her grinning as she said, “It was your brilliant idea.  Get some rest, Starfleet, I’ll see you at dinner.  Torres out.”

Chapter Text

He drummed his fingers on the arm of the captain’s chair and huffed under his breath.  This mission should not have taken so long.  What was keeping them?  The longer the captain and the away team were incommunicado, the more he worried.  I should have told her this was a bad idea, he thought ruefully.  Even taking one underperforming crew member on an away mission was unwise, but three?  That was just asking for trouble.  There was a fine line between “kind” and “foolish” and Kathryn always seemed to tap-dance right over it.

“Any word from the Flyer yet?” He asked Harry.

“No, sir,” Harry said wearily.

Tuvok interjected, “Commander, if I may: it has only been three minutes and thirty seconds since you last asked Mr. Kim for an update on the Flyer’s status.  It is illogical to assume that things would change in such a short amount of time.  Given Mr. Kim’s diligence, it is also illogical to assume that he would receive updates on the Flyer and neglect to pass them along to you.”

“Duly noted, Tuvok,” Chakotay sighed.  “Sorry, Harry.”

Chakotay stared out the viewscreen, scowling, hoping he could will the Flyer into view in front of him or make Kathryn hail them or-

“Commander, I’m receiving a distress call!”  Harry yelped.  “It’s the Flyer!”

He turned back to Harry and asked, “Location?”

“They’re near a gas giant about two light-years away from here.”

“Hail them,” Chakotay ordered.

Harry pushed a few buttons on his console and then looked up and said, “No response.”

Turning back to the viewscreen, he said, “Paris, set a course for the Flyer, Warp 7.”

When they reached the planet, they found the Flyer adrift with engines powered down.  Fear clenched Chakotay’s guts as he realized what that might mean for the crew.  “Harry, are there any lifesigns aboard?”

“Yes, four.  They appear to be unconscious,” Harry said concernedly.

“Beam them directly to Sick Bay, then tractor in the Flyer.”

An hour later, he was standing over her bed as her eyes fluttered open.  She, of course, immediately needed to know how the crew were.  He reassured her that no one had been seriously harmed and the Flyer was back in the shuttle bay.  Double-checking that the three crewmen were still asleep, he leaned down and whispered in her ear, “And tonight, we need to discuss the leola root supply.”

Surprise played across her face and she whispered back, “Okay.”

That night, she came to his quarters, and before she could say anything, he dragged her back to his bed and pulled the covers over them.  Cocooned under the blankets, he wrapped an arm around her and whispered, “Never scare me like that again.”

Chapter Text

She lay sprawled on her couch, her temporary apartment shrouded in darkness and silence.  She should have been celebrating, or so everyone said.  They were home, sixty-three years before they expected to be.  They destroyed the transwarp hub and made the entire Alpha Quadrant safer.  Owen Paris welcomed Tom, B’Elanna, and Miral into the family fold with open arms.  Harry was back in South Carolina with his parents.  Tuvok was getting the treatment he needed on Vulcan and the doctors predicted he’d make a full recovery.  Even her three “lost sheep” were doing well: Mortimer Harren could have his pick of any cosmology program he wanted, Tal Celes returned to Bajor and doted on her brother’s children, and Billy Telfer stayed in Starfleet but got a nice, calm posting at McKinley Station.

Starfleet had made her an admiral, and Seven was probably making out with Chakotay at that very moment.

Looks like everybody got a happy ending, she thought sarcastically.  So what if she was first buried in paperwork and dragged to a never-ending succession of boring meetings, then summarily put on leave?  She was an admiral!  Doesn’t every cadet want to be an admiral someday, especially ones who had an admiral for a father? 

Maybe if she didn’t know what they’d said about her. “Disdain for protocol.” “Reckless.” “Unhinged.”   They hadn’t said it in so many words, but the message was clear: she would never be trusted in command of a starship again.  And as hellish as the last seven years had been at times, she couldn’t imagine her life anywhere other than on a ship.  She’d barely spent any time on Earth since she was commissioned at the age of twenty.  What would she do here?

She flopped down on the couch and flipped channels aimlessly on the holovid, but nothing caught her eye.  Maybe she should get into that bottle of wine that Picard sent?  No, it was still too early for that.  Or was it?  What time was it, anyway?  The hours blurred into one another when one didn’t leave the house for days.

A knock at the door interrupted her pity party.  She checked the chronometer: 2200.  Practically midafternoon for a workaholic, night owl captain who’d been alone in the Delta Quadrant for seven years, but late for Earth.  Late enough to make her suspicious.  The last time she’d answered the door at this hour – more out of habit than anything else – it was another damn reporter trying to get a scoop.  Forget it.  Maybe if I ignore them, they’ll go away.

She continued flipping channels, and the person at the door continued knocking.  Take a hint, dumbass. I don’t want to talk to you.

Then a male voice boomed from the other side of the door.  “Kathryn!  I need to talk to you!”

You have got to be kidding me.  She stomped over to the door, flung it open, and demanded, “What in the hell do you think you’re doing here?!”

“I… came to see you,” her former first officer said meekly.

Glaring daggers at him, she snapped, “Shouldn’t you be with Seven?”

“Um… no,” Chakotay said, a hangdog look on his face.  “It’s a long story.  May I come in?”

“Fine,” she spat, and stepped aside to allow him entrance.

When the door closed behind him, he said, “Kathryn, I owe you an apology.  Several apologies.”

“I’m listening,” she said testily.

Chakotay said, “Seven and I… it was just an experiment.  She wanted to give romance a try again, because somehow, she’d gotten the idea that she wasn’t fully human if she wasn’t romantically involved with anyone.  And she said that since I… had experience in that subject, that she thought I might be able to…”

Kathryn held up a hand.  “Yes, I saw the two of you at the homecoming party.”  An entire bottle of wine wasn’t enough to wipe that image from her memory.

“Anyway,” Chakotay continued, unable to meet her eyes, “it… didn’t work out.  After about ten dates, Seven realized that romance isn’t as interesting as she thought it was.”

“And now you’re here,” she said sarcastically, folding her arms.  “Well, I’m sorry, Chakotay, but I’m not your consolation prize, either.”

He took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes plaintively.  “No, Kathryn, you don’t understand.  You’re not my consolation prize.  She was.”

Kathryn felt like she’d had the wind knocked out of her.  “Say that again?”

“After about the sixth year in the Delta Quadrant, I’d resigned myself to the fact that we were never going to get home, and you were never going to waver from your parameters.  So when I found out that Seven had been practicing romance with a hologram of me-“

“She did what?!” Janeway interrupted.  

Chakotay tugged at his ear and said, “Uh… yes.  She went over time on the holodeck once and I found the simulation.”

“I should have done a much better job of teaching her about boundaries,” Janeway said ruefully, shaking her head.  “Sorry.  Continue.”

Holding eye contact as best he could while blushing slightly, he said, “Er… well, as I said earlier, she’d somehow gotten the idea that she wasn’t fully human if she didn’t have romance in her life, so she wanted us to give it a try in real life.  And since the only person I’d ever really loved had made it clear that she was off-limits, I decided I’d… help Seven explore that side of herself.  Which, it turns out, she doesn’t have.”

Kathryn sighed and said, “And the Doctor conveniently forgot to teach her about asexuality.  Evidently, I need to have words with him, too.”  Then the rest of what Chakotay had said sank in and she said, “Wait, what do you mean, ‘the only person you ever really loved?’”

He closed the distance between them, took her hands, and whispered, “You know what I mean.”

“I need to hear you say it,” she breathed, looking deeply into his eyes.

“I love you,” he whispered.  “I’ve loved you since the beginning.”

“I love you too,” she whispered back, and leaned in for a soft kiss.

He slept in her bed that night, and every night after.