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Book quotes in italics:
"And Kryptonite doesn't bother me, either." He chuckled.
"You're not supposed to laugh, remember?"
He composed his face into a picture of seriousness, and I blushed at the intensity of his gaze, feeling on edge again, as I always did with him.
As my eyes roamed his face, aware of many curious eyes on us, I lowered my voice.
"I'll figure it out eventually," I warned him.
"I wish you wouldn't try."
"Why?"
"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy?"
From Twilight, by Stephanie Meyer
Edward said this with such earnestness, that for the first time since that very first day I met him, I felt a strange feeling of uneasiness stirring in me.
It was obvious he truly meant what he said; he thought of himself as the villain in our little story. A strange admission, to be sure, as my impression of most villains - all from my admittedly narrow taste in literature - was that they seemed to fall into one of three categories: they either relished their evil ways and malicious plots; were simple mindless engines of destruction with no care for others; or thought of themselves as somehow justified in their terrible actions.
Edward seemed to fit none of these. He was obviously convinced he was bad news, and not some tragic hero that I might have imagined him as.
This unsettled me further.
Had I been blind or even deluded to what was right in front of me?
Once again, I let my eyes scan his too-perfect face, as always dumbfounded by the beauty I saw there. He was the perfect blend of man and youth, an idealized example of classical beauty that I could not imagine another man surpassing.
But now, looking at the serious look on his face, I let myself vividly recall that very first day of biology, when the thought 'if looks could kill' had ran through my mind when he glared at me with black eyes full of hate.
As I ran his words through my head..."what if I'm the bad guy", they now evoked new feelings in me; feelings of a slowly rising unease. I realized now that with his strength and speed that he'd demonstrated when he stopped the van, he could have killed me so easily, and there would have been absolutely nothing I could have done to fight him off. In fact, I wouldn't even have time to scream if he came at me the way with the speed he showed in the parking lot.
And then even more disturbing thoughts seeped into my mind. He could have lured me out of class, or even killed me right there in the office with Ms. Cope; I remember his hypnotic eyes and his velvet voice, how compelling they were. I would have followed him anywhere.
For the first time since that day in Biology, I felt a pang of fear by being in Edward's presence. I tore my eyes away, a chill running up my spine. Not wanting to look at him and become confused, I snuck a glance over at his family, wondering what they thought of all this.
I noticed immediately that the short one, Alice, had a blank look on her face as she stared at nothing while her boyfriend - Jasper? - held her hand. When his eyes looked at me, I quickly averted my own, looking at the rest of them.
The large one - Emmett, was distracted, looking out the windows of the cafeteria. But, to my dismay, I saw the beautiful blonde Rosalie staring at me with a black, baleful gaze, as hateful as Edward had on that first day. I almost could imagine her as some vengeful Medusa, turning me to stone with the hatred and power of her glare.
When I looked back down at my lap, a series of chills that had nothing to do with the cool air of the cafeteria ran up and down my body; for I suddenly realized - from the look on Rosalie's face - that my poking into the Cullen family secrets was a very unwise course of action to take.
That it might be dangerous for me.
Deadly, even.
The surety of my conclusion rocked me, and I found myself fighting tears when I realized, finally, the truth of my situation.
Edward was dangerous. He could hurt me, or perhaps his family could. Or would.
He'd been trying to tell me this repeatedly - with both actions and words, telling me to stay away - ignoring me for weeks - and I stupidly had not been listening to his warnings.
I was certainly listening now.
I glanced back up at Rosalie through the curtain of my hair, and saw her still glaring at me with a blisteringly hateful look. I let my hair cover the side of my face so I could not see her anymore, and thought I heard Edward hissing just as I did.
Looking up at him, I saw his eyes shift away from his family's table and back to me, a careful look in them. I was sure I had not imagined his vicious hiss, like he'd been warning Rosalie.
Rosalie, who had been looking at me like she wanted me dead.
I took a shuddering breath as I looked back down at the table, ignoring my lemonade as my stomach was in knots. A feeling of cold dread stole over me, and I forced myself to understand and examine my recent behavior, which I realized had been so unlike me, so out of character for steady and responsible Bella.
I was not a nosy person. I usually did not interfere where I wasn't wanted, and I had no interest in forcing myself and my presence on someone.
So why had I been doing this with Edward?
The answer was immediately obvious, and for all of that it was a little surprising.
I was crushing on him of course: there was simply no question about it. Just like the other girls in this school - heck, just like Jessica, who I had silently laughed at when she told me that very first day how 'Edward isn't interested in any of the girls here,' I too had fallen for the Cullen bachelor.
It was almost funny, the irony of it.
My attraction was quite understandable. Why wouldn't I be crushing on him? Here was this beautiful, eloquent, mysterious boy who had saved my life under impossible circumstances, presenting me an irresistible puzzle to solve wrapped up in a very pretty package.
I saw now that I had cloaked my obsession with him under the guise of simple curiosity, wanting to ferret out his secrets.
But I should have realized the truth sooner. After all, I thought of him and peaked at him during the day and dreamed of him almost every single night. Dreams where he proved elusive as I would try and catch him, always just out of my reach.
Shouldn't that have clued me in?
There it was: I was experiencing my first full, died-in-the wool crush on Edward Cullen, and had stubbornly ignored all the warning signs he gave off, even those where he blatantly warned me to keep away.
I frowned as I thought of his offer to drive me to Seattle next weekend; even as I said I would accompany him, he warned me not to go, that I should stay away from him. Like a fool, though, I had not listened, only focusing on my attraction and his hypnotic eyes, even when he gave me his veiled warning, that he was 'giving up trying to be good.'
What did that mean? Had he given up on trying to stop his urge to kill me? Did he invite me to Seattle so he could do the deed then, away from Forks where I could easily be made to disappear?
A choking fear made me feel dizzy, as I realized how foolish I was being. How could I take such risks? And for what? A pretty face? Edward certainly wasn't particularly nice to me; he was arrogant, and dismissive. He called me unobservant, and absurd. He gaslighted me at every opportunity, and treated my anger and frustration as a joke.
With a sinking feeling, I saw that, for the most part, since he'd saved my life, he'd been either rude or ignored me. And when he finally did deign to speak with me, he'd given me whiplash with his mood swings and cryptic remarks.
Was his beautiful face and smoldering eyes really worth overlooking such a terrible personality? Even after he has warned me repeatedly that he would not be a good friend for me?
My spiraling thoughts were suddenly interrupted when Edward's voice cut my introspection. "What are you thinking?" he asked, his eyes roaming my face with a curious expression.
I looked away, trying to get my head straight and away from the distraction of his eyes. I clenched my hands and forcefully pushed down any feelings of attraction I felt for this boy, trying to be smart. I knew he was something more than just 'human', and I needed to be end this before I got in too deep.
I took several deep breaths, willing my heart to slow it's frantic pounding in my ribcage.
Despite not looking at him, I could feel his frustration building. I raised a finger, asking him to wait while I ran everything through my head, my decision on what I needed to do now firming.
It might have been another minute before I finally raised my eyes to him, and I was a bit surprised to see that there was a look of apprehension on his face that I'd not seen since he saved me from the van.
My voice was raspy when I spoke - from my dry mouth, probably - but thankfully it didn't quaver. "I...I think you are entitled to your privacy, Edward. It's not fair of me to ask you questions you are not comfortable answering, and I won't bother you about it again. I'm sorry for doing so, it wasn't right."
I watched as his expression morphed from surprise to something else; a brief flash in his eyes, before he gave me a small, uncertain smile. "Thank you, Bella" he finally said, his eyes moving back and forth across my own, questions there that I ignored.
Before I lost my nerve, I spoke on, dropping my eyes and lowering my voice, trying to speak casually. "I also think...well, I think it's probably better if I take your advice, and stay away from you. You were right after all, I don't think we would work as friends. I'm sorry."
I had to force the last words, almost like something inside me was trying to get me to shut up and recant them.
But I was unnerved; Rosalie's glare and Edwards warnings had done their job: I wanted out.
And I knew, when I made up my mind I almost always followed through. It was always the decisions that were hard for me. After that,. I would trudge along on the path I'd chosen.
I finally raised my head, my bottom lip trapped between my teeth as I took in his expression.
His eyes - molten gold, and burning me with their intensity - widened for a moment before they suddenly seemed to shut down, like a curtain had been pulled behind the surface of his eyes, all emotion in them turned off. The small smile from earlier was gone, leaving behind a tight line where his lips were pressed together, and his skin seemed even paler, if that was possible.
I began to grow uncomfortable with his flat stare, and fidgeted in my seat, preparing to walk away, when he finally gave a tight nod of his head. "That's probably a good idea, Bella" he said, his voice somehow flat and mechanical, no depth or richness to the sound like when we had been conversing earlier.
My eyes moved back and forth between his for another moment, before I gave him a small, tight nod in return. I saw his fists clench, and heard a sound like grinding metal coming from somewhere that felt like nails on a chalkboard. Feeling very uneasy, I stood slowly from my chair, trying to ignore all the curious eyes on us. "Goodbye Edward," I whispered, walking out of the cafeteria and heading slowly towards Biology class, my mind resolved and for once my feet steady, despite the cold sweat that dripped down the back of my neck when I thought of Rosalie Hale's glare and Edward's clenched fists.
And somehow, despite feeling like I might have had a lucky escape, a strange feeling of loss somehow filled my chest.
EDWARD's POV
As I watched Bella walk away from me, I felt a strange feeling of something tearing deep inside me, which should have been impossible given my frozen nature. My emotions - for so long muted until Bella Swan and her delicious smelling blood had stumbled into my 6th period biology class two months ago - felt chaotic and wild, swinging from anger to despair to helplessness and back.
I tried to tell myself that this was good, this was what I wanted: that Bella Swan had no place in my dark and dreary world. She deserved the sun, the light.
She deserved someone good, who could give her a life.
But I could not fool myself, not really, and I had to fight to keep myself from destroying the cafeteria. I realized I had been inexorably caught in Bella's web since I'd returned from Alaska - maybe even before that - and each step and each interaction I'd taken with her had forced me further away from the numb individual I'd been for so long, and turned me into someone who had a first inkling of what hope might feel like.
She had made her mark on me a permanent one, and as much as I wanted her to walk away from me for her sake, for mine...well I wanted her to stay. In fact, I wanted her, completely. I wanted to devour her, and not only how as a vampire wanting her blood, but as a man wants a woman. Bella had been the first person - girl, boy, vampire, human - to elicit any kind of physical reaction from me in all my years, the feelings alien, and yet so powerful.
Being near her often felt like my body was slowly waking from a long, dark sleep.
Shaking my head when the bell rang, I stood quickly from my chair, knocking it over on its back but not caring enough to pick it up. I glanced over at Alice, wondering what changed, how her visions could have been so wrong; in them, I would have spent next weekend with Bella, taking her to my special Meadow after I suggested visiting it instead of going to Seattle.
Nothing past that had been clear, but that vision had been rock solid.
What had changed?
I could see Alice staring off into space, and when I looked into her mind, I found her traversing the future, looking for visions of me and Bella in them, or just she and Bella. There had been so many visions of them together, they would have become best friends, and Alice had been so eager for the friendship to start.
As I walked by the table and towards the doors leading outside - I had no intention of going to Biology, where they would be doing blood typing - I heard Alice's voice in my mind. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I don't know what changed."
Not bothering to answer her, I got into my Volvo and pulled out of the lot, my tires screeching as a seething anger and longing desperation seemed to take root in me.
I had no destination in mind; I just needed to get away, to get far far away from Isabella Swan, lest I turn around and...
And do what? Bite her? Love her? What could I possibly do for her that would ever make her accept me?
In less than five minutes, I had parked at the trailhead on the 101, and was soon racing through the forest. I arrived at my meadow, it's flowers just beginning to bloom, and looked around it in desperation and anger.
The last time I saw this place was in Alice's vision; in it, I'd led a grinning Bella here, watching as her eyes sparkled and she smiled widely at me as she walked freely across the soft grass, her fingers trailing over the flower tops, a serene look on her beautiful face.
Looking at the place now, I felt like it mocked me. With a roar I grabbed a tree from the outer rim and tore it from the ground, screaming as I threw it as hard as I could towards the center of the pristine round clearing. When it crashed into the grass it barreled forward, leaving a swath of destruction behind it, broken stems and petals and grass and dirt flying in the air, dust and debris in it's wake. When everything finally settled, a huge dirt hole dominated the center of the ruined space, the fluttering petals falling as they settled like flowers thrown on a freshly turned grave.
I stumbled to the wrecked center, and fell to my knees; deep shudders ran through me, and I looked up at the cloudy sky, cursing my existence and the God who tempted me with such loveliness, only to pull it away.
I didn't move when the rain started, soaking my clothes through. I didn't move as the sky darkened, twilight falling. And I didn't move as my phone vibrated through the day and into the night, until it went silent, the battery finally dead.
My thoughts were dark, as the long stretch of eternity that loomed before me had never felt more hopeless, emptier and more oppressive than ever before.
It was then that I now fully understood the story of the Macedonian King, Pyrrhus of Epirus; while true that he had won victories, they came at such a high price that the gains were not worth the cost.
By warning Bella away, I'd achieved my objective - my 'victory.'
But I felt, deep down, that the cost might be the only respite I'd ever know, and the only happiness I'd ever enjoy in the long, empty years of forever.