Work Text:
From the minute Dazai first woke up, he already knew this wasn't going to be a good day. He felt really down, and he knew exactly why that was. He was suddenly reminded of his late friend Oda. It came out of nowhere, and he wasn't sure why exactly he was suddenly being reminded. This had happened before a few times, and Dazai thought that it would get better as time went on, but so far he'd been proven wrong. If anything, it either stayed the same or it got worse. He hated this. He wished the pain would just go away already. He'd tried everything to make it leave him. But nothing had worked. The pain relentlessly attacked him. While some days were better than others, it was never really good. He missed Oda so much and wished more than anything that the aspiring author was still here. He felt so lost without him. And he had no doubt he would only continue to feel that way...
Dazai sighed and glanced at the clock, which read 8:00 AM.
Even if I did decide to go to work today, I know I'd be late, Dazai thought. He decided that he'd just skip work today. He knew he did that more than he should, but today he had a legitimate reason. He'd probably get an earful from Kunikida later about how irresponsible it was to skip work and be lazy, but he couldn't bring himself to care at the moment. If Kunikida did end up coming by later, Dazai decided he'd just explain things to his partner and hope he understood. He wasn't sure how likely that was, but it was worth a try.
After those particular thoughts had passed through Dazai's mind, he began to think about Oda again. Truth be told, he still felt like Oda's death was his fault, so that only made things even worse than they already were. If only he'd been quicker, then maybe Oda would have survived and he'd still be here. But Dazai was a failure, so of course he hadn't made it in time.
Odasaku became my friend despite knowing how horrible a person I am, and how did I repay him? I just let him die...what kind of friend am I? Dazai wondered despondently.
Then Dazai had a new thought. Of course he wasn't glad Oda died, far from it, actually. He still missed his friend and had no doubt he always would. But part of him thought that Oda, wherever he was now, was better off without him. Honestly, Dazai thought everyone was better off without him. What good was he, anyway? He couldn't think of a single good quality about himself. Not one. So naturally, he figured no one ekse could see any good in him, either. Not anyone that was still living, anyway. He knew Oda had seen some good in him, but he still didn't understand how or why.
Meanwhile over at the agency, Kunikida was working as usual and also wondering why his suicidal partner hadn't shown up to work this time. Knowing Dazai, it could be any number of reasons. Maybe he was lazy and had slept in. Maybe he decided he wanted to do something more fun than working. Maybe he was...
Kunikida shook his head. No matter how likely it was, he couldn't allow himself to think that way. If he did, he'd just spend the entire day worrying about his partner that he admittedly cared about a lot. He knew it may not seem that obvious, but he didn't hate Dazai. If he did, he wouldn't take the time to check on him or lecture him or save him from suicide.
I'm sure I'm just overthinking and Dazai skipped work due to laziness...or not. Maybe he really is in danger. No, he may be reckless but he isn't ALWAYS reckless...but he always tries to die. Now I'm going to be thinking about that all day. All the more reason to go check on him. I have a schedule to follow. So? Isn't checking on your annoying partner more important? ...Yes. Exactly. So go do that, Kunikida debated with himself. He headed off to Fukuzawa's office and knocked on the door.
"Come in," came the president's calm voice.
Kunikida opened the door and poked his head into the room. "Sir, I'm a bit worried about Dazai. Is it alright if I go check on him?"
"Of course. I'm glad you look out for him the way you do."
Kunikida considered denying the claim but he didn't, both because it didn't feel right to disagree with a superior and because he knew his boss was right. "Well, someone's got to do it."
"True."
"Well...I'll be going now." Kunikida turned to leave.
"Take as much time as you need," Fukuzawa advised. He didn't add the words "Dazai might be in danger" because he figured Kunikida was already worrying about that and he didn't want to worry his apprentice more.
Kunikida nodded and closed the door. He then left the agency and headed towards Dazai's house. He'd better be ok...
Before long, he had reached Dazai's house and knocked on the door.
Dazai had been hiding in his bed, not wanting anyone to see him looking like the mess he currently was. But it would appear that someone was there. Great. He stayed where he was.
"Dazai?" came a voice from the other side of the door.
Noooooooo, I don't wanna be lectured... Dazai thought, recognizing the voice to be his partner.
Kunikida knocked on the door again.
Dazai didn't move.
"Dazai, are you in there...?" Kunikida asked.
Dazai silently took note of how worried Kunikida sounded. He'd heard that tone a few times before, mostly whenever his partner found him after a suicide attempt. He'd been a bit shocked to discover that Kunikida did worry about him a lot. On one hand, he didn't necessarily expect it from Kunikida since the man always seemed so annoyed. But Dazai knew he deserved the frustration since he always went out of his way to bug his partner. On another note, he didn't feel like he deserved Kunikida's concern. He didn't understand why Kunikida seemingly refused to give up on him.
Dazai began to debate with himself. He didn't want Kunikida to be worried, but he also didn't want anyone to see him like this. He didn't think Kunikida would judge him. Lecture him, yes. But not be judgemental. He was too good a guy for that. Dazai sighed, pasted a fake smile onto his face, reluctantly got up, and opened the door.
Kunikida sighed in relief. "There you are. Do you have any idea how worried I was? You need to stop skipping work as much as you do!" So often, this was how it went. Kunikida would worry his head off for Dazai only to (usually) find that his partner was ok, and then part of him would be angry at Dazai for making him worry the way he did, hence the lecturing.
Then Kunikida fell silent and gazed at Dazai. His eyes looked really red, was he ok? Kunikida instantly stopped lecturing Dazai, figuring that wasn't the best idea right now. He just kept looking at his partner.
"Kunikida?" Dazai asked, not quite sure how to feel about his partner staring at him that intently.
Kunikida snapped out of it. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stare. Are you ok?"
"Of course I am!" Dazai lied.
I don't believe you for one single second. "Are you sure?"
Dazai nodded. Now that someone had asked him if he was ok, he was dangerously close to breaking down and he didn't want to do that in front of anyone. He took a deep breath to try and prevent it.
Kunikida continued to gaze at his partner. "Dazai...would it be ok if I came in? You seem like there's something you need to talk about."
"Whhhaaaaatttttt? What could've given that away?" Dazai asked, laughing.
Kunikida raised his eyebrows, not bothering to answer.
Dazai finally dropped the act, wishing Kunikida's typical oblivion would work again so he didn't notice that Dazai was in fact not doing well. He didn't say anything.
"Look, you don't have to talk to me. I was just offering it," Kunikida continued. The last thing he wanted was to make Dazai feel worse than he clearly already was. He turned to walk away. He'd just have to do his best to convince himself that Dazai would be ok. Which was definitely easier said than done given how this was Dazai.
"Wait!" Dazai exclaimed. Crap, what did I just do? I didn't mean to do that...
Kunikida turned to face Dazai.
Dazai couldn't believe what he was doing, but he couldn't stop the words, either. "I, um...I think I do need to talk to you..." What the heck am I thinking? Why did I just do that? What's wrong with me?
Kunikida nodded and walked back towards Dazai.
Dazai stepped aside to let Kunikida in, then took the other man's hand and pulled him towards the couch.
Kunikida looked at their intertwined hands and tried not to think about it. He had to focus on the task at hand.
The two of them sat down.
Dazai gingerly looked at Kunikida.
Kunikida looked back at Dazai.
"Today's just...not been that great," Dazai began.
Kunikida nodded, waiting to hear more.
Dazai started to say more, but then he looked at Kunikida.
Except that he wasn't seeing Kunikida.
He was seeing the very person that he'd spent all day thinking about.
Great.
Here came the dreaded breakdown. Dazai could already feel himself tearing up.
Unfortunately, Kunikida noticed. "Dazai...?"
Dazai didn't answer. He just looked away and covered his face.
Kunikida watched Dazai for a minute.
Dazai took a deep breath, silently willing his facade not to break. It rarely ever did, so why did it have to fail him now?
Kunikida reached out towards Dazai.
Dazai sensed this and instinctively moved away, still trying not to completely break down in front of his partner.
Kunikida really wasn't sure what to do now. He didn't want to leave Dazai alone at a time like this, but he didn't want to potentially make things worse, either. "Dazai...do you want me to leave...?" He began to get up.
Right then, Dazai's hands flew off his face and his head snapped up as he turned to look at Kunikida. He looked really worried now. "No! Don't leave me, Odasaku!"
Kunikida was confused. He had no idea who this "Odasaku" person was, but he figured now wasn't the best time to ask. That and he didn't have the heart to tell Dazai that he wasn't Odasaku. He sat back down.
Dazai still didn't look at the other man.
"Dazai...?" Kunikida asked.
Dazai finally looked at Kunikida. "Yeah...?"
"Is there anything else you want to talk about...?"
Dazai hesitated for a minute, thinking about the question.
Kunikida kept watching Dazai. He was starting to get more worried than usual. He didn't think he'd ever seen Dazai look this small, this helpless, this...fragile. Not that it made him think less of his partner. It just made him want to protect Dazai from, well...pretty much everything. He didn't know why he suddenly felt that way, but he couldn't deny it.
Dazai looked up at Kunikida. "All day I've been thinking about a friend I used to have..."
Kunikida stayed silent, letting Dazai say everything he needed to say.
"We were best friends but then one day...he died..." Dazai continued, looking away.
So that was why Dazai had been acting this way and skipped work. Kunikida began to feel bad he'd lectured Dazai earlier. "I'm so sorry, Dazai..."
Dazai began to tear up again. "And then just now...I could've sworn I saw him. I looked at you, but I saw him..."
Kunikida just kept listening to Dazai.
"I really miss him, but it just made me sad all over again to see him because I know he's gone and nothing can ever bring him back..." Dazai sniffed.
Kunikida began to feel worse. He knew all too well how hard it was to lose someone important. He reached out to put a hand on Dazai's shoulder.
Before he could though, Dazai had thrown his arms around Kunikida and buried his face in the other man's shoulder.
Kunikida was a bit shocked, but he didn't try to push Dazai off. It would be too cruel to when he was in such a bad state.
"Sorry...I should've asked first. Is this ok? I just really need someone to hold onto right now..." Dazai said, his voice muffled. He looked up at Kunikida for a response.
Kunikida nodded.
"Thank you..." Dazai hid his face in Kunikida's shoulder again.
"Anytime, Dazai." Kunikida didn't know it was possible to feel this bad for someone. He wished more than anything that he could do something to take away Dazai's pain. But he knew he couldn't, and that hurt to admit. All he really could do was just be there for Dazai. And he was going to do that, no questions asked.
Dazai had tried so hard to keep it together but at this point, he was tired of trying. He started to cry.
Kunikida gently hugged Dazai, hoping he could comfort him at least a little.
Dazai continued to sob for at least another half hour or so, and then he slowly began to calm down.
Kunikida kept holding Dazai and patting his back every so often.
Dazai was still in a lot of pain, but he began to feel comforted just by having someone else there. Especially someone he knew he could trust. Dazai was aware that it might not seem that way, but he really did trust his partner a lot. Kunikida was the one Dazai had trusted the most since Oda. For one thing, the two of them were really similar. They were both strong, comforting presences in Dazai's life, ones he undoubtedly needed.
Then Dazai thought of something else. It occurred to him that Kunikida was actually very gentle. When he wasn't throwing him into a wall or something, that is. He was gentle more often than not. Now would be an example of such. Dazai was shocked to learn that Kunikida really did give the best hugs. If he was being honest, he never wanted the idealist to let go of him.
Kunikida glanced down at Dazai.
Dazai looked up at Kunikida.
"Are you feeling any better?" Kunikida asked.
Dazai nodded. "Yeah...thanks."
"No need to thank me. It's what partners do."
"But you helped a lot."
"I'm glad I could."
Dazai leaned on Kunikida's chest. He really did think he could stay like this forever.
Kunikida hadn't had a chance to think about it earlier since he was so focused on making sure Dazai was ok, but now he was suddenly becoming aware of just how close the bandaged man was to him. He wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. Part of him felt really flustered. But the other part of him didn't want to let Dazai go, both because he felt like Dazai still needed to be comforted and because if Kunikida was being honest, he actually wanted to keep hugging his partner. He looked at Dazai again.
Dazai's eyes met Kunikida's.
Kunikida held his gaze. "You know...I think Oda would be proud of you."
"You do?" Dazai asked.
Kunikida nodded.
For the first time that day, Dazai smiled. "Thanks, Kunikida. That really means a lot."
Kunikida smiled back. "You're welcome."
Dazai went back to leaning against Kunikida.
He looks so adorable when he genuinely smiles like that. ...I mean what? I didn't say anything. Or think anything. Nope. Not at all, Kunikida thought.
Meanwhile, Dazai was thinking similar things. He hadn't felt this safe around someone since Oda had died. But now here was Kunikida, changing that. Being trustworthy. Making him feel safe. Looking out for him. Then there was also the other way he made Dazai feel...
Truth be told, Dazai had often thought about his feelings for Kunikida. Ever since they first met, Dazai knew he could trust the idealist (even if said idealist lectured him over every little thing). Whenever he was kept up at night for any reason, he just thought about Kunikida and that instantly calmed him down. As a result, Dazai thought about Kunikida a lot. Which then led to the realization that not only did he like Kunikida, he loved him. "I love you..." Dazai whispered.
Then he caught himself.
He hadn't meant to say it out loud. Not yet, anyway. He summoned his courage to look at Kunikida.
Kunikida looked shocked.
"You...didn't hear that...did you?" Dazai asked awkwardly.
"I did," Kunikida replied once he'd found his voice.
"Oh no..." Dazai was embarrassed. "Sorry..."
"What are you sorry for?"
"I didn't mean to say it out loud. I don't know if you'll feel the same way or not-"
Kunikida sighed and put a finger on Dazai's lips.
Dazai's face began to heat up as he looked at Kunikida.
Kunikida removed his finger from Dazai's mouth and then gazed at him. "I love you, too."
Dazai was equally happy and shocked. "You do?"
Kunikida nodded, blushing a little. "I have for a long time now."
Dazai smiled more. "I've loved you pretty much ever since I first met you."
"Same," Kunikida agreed, smiling back. He pulled Dazai closer and kissed him.
Dazai returned the kiss, overjoyed that the moment he'd been waiting so long for had finally happened.
After a few minutes, they pulled away and just softly smiled at each other. They both were glad that they'd finally confessed to each other, especially since they'd loved each other from the beginning. Dazai's day might've started out badly due to his grief, but it got so much better once Kunikida showed up. As for the blond idealist, he may have been worried sick about his suicidal partner. But as it turned out, he hadn't had too much of a reason to worry this time. Plus, he'd finally confessed his love to his partner, so all the worry he'd dealt with earlier was worth it.