Work Text:
Jean was toiling away at her desk, as usual. Once again she had loaded too much work on herself. For some reason, when she wasn’t making herself sick from overworking, she felt like she was failing. She wasn’t doing good enough unless she was suffering. And now it was late at night, she hadn’t eaten since that morning, and everyone else at the headquarters had already gone home. She knew she was hurting herself, but frankly, she didn’t know how to work without it. Her pounding head, sore neck and hungry stomach were all proof that she was a dedicated acting grand master. She didn’t know who she was proving it to, but she still had to prove it. Her fellow knights and friends didn’t want her to hurt herself, but what they don’t know won’t hurt them. Everything would be fine if she just didn’t stop. If she kept going. As long as she physically could. Longer than that.
Even if she did a near superhuman amount of work, she still hated that she couldn’t do more. She could never satisfy herself. As long as she was suffering, that meant she was at least doing her best, right?
She reached a stopping point with one of her papers, and moved on to the next one. But she found that she could hardly read it. The words on the page scrambled together in her mind. She held her pen over it only for ink to drip onto the paper. What did that sentence say? What was the context for it? What was she doing again? What time was it?
“Jean?”
Jean gasped and jumped from surprise, launching the pen in her hand onto the floor. She looked up to see Lisa standing in front of her desk. When did she walk in? Jean suddenly felt even more guilty than her usual baseline feeling of guilt when she saw how worried Lisa looked. She got caught in the act. Others weren’t supposed to know about this. But maybe she could still keep up the facade that she was fine.
“Lisa?” Jean said.
Lisa sat in the chair at the other side of her desk. The uncharacteristic deep concern in her eyes shook Jean to her core.
“Are you alright?” Lisa asked.
“Uh…yeah?” Jean said.
It wasn’t a very convincing claim, but Jean didn’t know how to easily say that she wasn’t fine.
“Darling, look at the clock.” Lisa said.
Jean turned to look at the clock on the wall. It was almost 2am. When did that happen? She had been working way too late! No. She had not worked late enough. It should’ve been at least 3am before she even considered going home.
“It’s almost 2am…” Jean droned.
Her voice revealed how tired she was, but she was determined to keep up the act. She would hate to worry Lisa, but it was already too late for that.
“What are you still doing here?” Jean asked.
“Well, we’re all concerned about you, Jean.”
Dammit! People had been noticing after all! She had to get better at concealing her fatigue!
“You haven’t been doing anything besides work, and you’ve been staying up really late working every single night. I wanted to talk to you about it, and I was going to wait to catch you as you left. But since it’s so late, I had to come in and check on you.” Lisa continued.
“You guys don’t need to worry, everything’s fine.” Jean said.
Lisa just looked sadder. That definitely wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. She took Jean’s hand and squeezed it.
“You and I both know that’s not true.”
It was clear that Jean was lying because she looked absolutely terrible. She was pale, and her eyes were sunken and half shut. She looked like she could collapse at any moment. Lisa decided that she wasn’t going to get anywhere while Jean was still sitting at her desk. She had to get her away from her work. She leaned farther over the desk and kissed the back of Jean’s gloved hand. Then she rested her cheek against it.
“Come sit on the couch with me for a while. Indulge me, won’t you?” Lisa asked.
Jean decided that would be fine, a little break wouldn’t hurt. As long as it didn’t take too long.
“Okay.”
They stood up, and Lisa took Jean’s hand again to lead her to the couch. She kept holding it as they sat down. The sensation of LIsa’s hand on hers was the clearest thing in Jean’s tired mind.
“You haven’t been your usual self lately. Has anything happened?” Lisa asked.
Jean thought for a moment. There wasn’t anything she could think of in particular.
“No, not really…”
“We’ve just been noticing that you’ve been…down lately.” Lisa began. “You’re talking to us less, and locking yourself up in your office for longer. Actually, Barbara was the one who asked me to talk to you. She said that you seemed especially bad off. We just want to make sure you’re alright.”
Even Barbara had noticed? Jean’s little sister was one of her weaknesses.
“Oh…well. I guess I’ve just been a little more tired lately, that’s all.” Jean said.
“How much have you been sleeping?” Lisa asked.
Jean paused. She was ashamed of the answer, but she couldn’t bear to lie to Lisa’s face, especially because it was a bit obvious at this point.
“Maybe like, four hours every night?”
“Four hours??” Lisa gasped.
Then Lisa rested her hand on Jean’s cheek.
“Dear, you’re hurting yourself.”
Of course she was. It was so obvious, but Jean still couldn’t admit it. She had to keep up the act no matter what, even if she was in pain. But Lisa’s worried face was knocking down every wall she had set up around her heart. Jean had no clue what to say, so she said nothing.
“Please let us help you.” Lisa pleaded.
It was too much. Jean was so, so tired. She felt her chest tighten, and heat rose to her face. She desperately wanted to say something, but no words came out. Instead she felt a sob forming in her throat. She tried with all her might to suppress it. Grand masters cannot cry. They have to hold it together for the sake of Mondstadt. But she was too tired, and she could hold back no longer as her lip trembled and tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn’t stand looking into Lisa’s pretty green eyes when they were so full of worry. Her eyes were forcefully pulling up all of Jean’s hidden suffering. Lisa brushed her thumb against her cheek.
“I know, darling.” Lisa said
Jean finally relented. She dropped her head onto Lisa’s shoulder and sobbed. What was she supposed to say? Clearly it was obvious to everyone how bad she was doing. She was hopelessly stuck in a cycle of self destruction and she had no idea how to stop it. Lisa wrapped her arms around her tired body and held her tightly.
“It’s okay.”
How could she say something like that? Clearly things weren’t okay! Jean still said nothing, but she squeezed the cloth on the back of Lisa’s dress, as if she was begging her to not let go. Lisa pulled Jean’s hair ribbon loose, letting her ponytail fall so she could run her fingers through it.
“It’s going to be alright, we’re going to help you.”
Jean had to say something, but she couldn’t figure out what, so she just started talking.
“...Lisa?” Jean choked out.
“Yes honey?”
“Do you ever…do you ever just…try and try and try…*hic*...and no matter what…you still feel like you’re failing?”
Lisa thought back to her Akademiya days.
“Yes, I have before. But that was before I realized something.”
“*sniffle*..What was that?”
“That I am far, far more important than the work I do. And you are too.” Lisa said.
Jean kept crying.
“I don’t know what to do…” Jean said.
“It’s okay. We’re going to make sure you’re alright.” Lisa said softly.
“O-Okay…” Jean croaked.
“Hush. Take some deep breaths. It’s going to be alright.” Lisa murmured.
Jean took a shaky breath and relaxed her grip on Lisa’s dress.
“I’m sorry…” She murmured.
“Shhhh…it’s alright. Is there anything I can do to help you right now?” Lisa asked.
Jean sniffled.
“Uh…I got a lotta snot in my nose.”
Lisa chuckled and pulled out a handkerchief.
“Here you are, darling.”
Jean took it and blew her nose, and stuffed it in her pocket. Lisa dried the tears from her cheeks. Then she cupped her face in her hands and leaned in to kiss her below each eyelid. She rested their foreheads together.
“You know I love you, right?” Lisa asked.
“Yeah…I know.” Jean said.
Jean put her hands on Lisa’s shoulders. She hated how helpless she felt. She always felt like she had to stay strong no matter what. But Lisa was strong too, and held her together when she was finally falling apart. When Jean could no longer stand on her own, Lisa carried her.
“Hey Lisa?” Jean asked.
“Yes?
“...I’m hungry.”
Lisa laughed and leaned back, still cupping her face.
“When’s the last time you’ve eaten?” Lisa asked.
Jean shamefully looked to the side.
“It’s probably been like…12 hours.”
“Well, we can’t have that, can we?” Lisa said. “Why don’t you come home with me, and I’ll make you something to eat.”
That sounded absolutely heavenly to Jean.
“Okay.”
~
Lisa wanted to ask what Jean wanted to eat, but Jean was already passed out asleep on her bed, wearing some borrowed pajamas from Lisa. She knew she needed to eat, but she also couldn’t bear to wake Jean up after she had been awake for so long. Instead, she pulled the blankets out from under her and tucked her in. Then she gave her a kiss goodnight. It was her turn to take care of her brave, valiant, and heroic knight. Her knight who always put others first. Her knight who needed help taking care of herself.
It doesn’t matter how we got here. We can fix it now.