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Jisung was tired.
God, he was so tired.
Probably because it was 4:42 A.M., September 15th, almost 5 hours since his birthday had ended.
Maybe he wasn't tired of the lack of sleep, more of the strain on his mental health as each hour had passed by on the 14th until the day have eventually ended.
Jisung was tired of the depression, the loneliness that finally settled into his bones once the clock hit midnight. And the only messages he got that wished him well on his special day were from his fans and possibly some other idol friends. Not one word mentioned from his members.
Guess the fans have noticed as they were wondering where the 'Happy Birthday Jisung' Instagram posts the other members would usually make but not this time.
Not this time..
He hasn't even looked at his phone other than checking their Instagram profile for new posts. He doesn't want to see other Happy Birthday messages from anybody other than his members first. He wants them to wish him first. But they didn't, and now his messages has the little blip of unread messages but he can't gather the energy to open them.
It might make him feel better, his idol friends, his none idol friends, his birth family wishing him on his special day.. But what about his found family? His members?
Why didn't they wish him? Why didn't they remember?
Jisung wishes he fell asleep, but even as the sun barely peaked through the blinds, and his door slowly creaked open, revealing Chan, Jisung hadn't slept a single wink. Stuck in a tumbling, swirling pit of turmoil throughout the entire night.
"Sungie? Sung- Oh, good, you're awake, c'mon, we need to head over to the other dorm soon," Chan tried whispering softly to wake the other up but spoke at his normal volume at seeing Jisung's open eyes staring at him through the darkness.
With his silence, Chan took it as agreement and shut his door but Jisung.. Poor Jisung.
His heart tightened with each terrible thought.
Other Dorm..
They remembered Felix's birthday.
They forgot your birthday.
They forgot your birthday.
They forgot your birthday.
Jisung wasn't going to survive the day being happy and joyful for his twin member. He just knew he wasn't going to.
Someone is going to say something, and he is going to either burst into tears or start a fight.
He almost wished he didn't care this much, that way it didn't hurt so bad to be forgotten. That he didn't have to waste so much energy stuck in his own head, crying internally on why the other members cared more for Felix than him. Why him? Why not him?
Hyunjin then barged into Jisung's room soon after, or perhaps awhile after, as the time has been flying by for Jisung.
"Dude, why aren't you ready yet? We need to go set everything up!" Hyunjin huffed as he walked over, pulling the blanket off of Jisung's curled up form.
"Go without me," the younger mumbled. "I don't feel too well." He couldn't come up with a better excuse for his lack of brain-cells that have been discarded in the trash, just like he was, metaphorically.
"Well suck it up! Today is a big day!" Hyunjin practically shouts, wrapping Jisung's blanket around his shoulders and twisting on his heel, flicking the blanket around him like a cape as he strut walks out of the room with flourish. "Felix needs us!"
Felix.
Not Jisung, no one cares about Jisung, only Felix.
"Jisung! Seriously!" Changbin then barges into Jisung's room, immediately yanking the younger to his feet. "Doesn't matter how you feel, you're going to put on a huge ass smile, grab your present, and head over with us to wish our sunshine a happy birthday."
Sunshine.
Happy
Birthday.
Guess he isn't part of the 'sunshine twins' anymore. They aren't twins anymore. There is only one sunshine now.
What is he?
Jisung let Changbin pull him towards his closet, allowed him to shove a shirt and jeans into his arms before forcing the younger into the bathroom.
"You better be ready soon or I'm going to strip you naked and dress you myself!" Changbin yells through the door and Jisung almost wants to do nothing, wanting to know if Changbin would actually go through with his threat or not.
.. He also wonders if he did nothing, would they finally notice something is seriously wrong?
Or- or is it seriously wrong? Is he just making a big deal of all this? Does it not really matter?
It's just 1 birthday.. They might remember the next..
Might. Maybe.
Could he wait a whole 'nother year to found out if they truly care about remembering? Or do they care? And he's acting like a big baby just because they forgot about this one day?
A single day.. It's not that important.. Is it?
Jisung barely processed the tears slowly sliding down his puffy cheeks and he sluggishly slips off his bottoms, leaning against the door for balance as he's too tired to stand up on his own.
He manages to change his clothes, sigh at his puffy eyes and wet cheeks, wash his face to get rid of the itchiness, and opens the door to find Changbin leaning against the wall across from him with his arms crossed over each other.
"Gah, finally!" Changbin huffed as he wrapped an arm around Jisung's and pulled him to the front door to put on their shoes. Jisung didn't even bother mentioning how he was leaving his phone, wallet, and keys behind as they finally left their dorm, heading towards the elevator.
Jisung wishes they all still lived in the same dorm, where they didn't have to live so far from each other.. Where they didn't forget Jisung's birthday.
It was a 5 minute walk to the other dorm, basically around the corner from the Struggle Dorm. The sun was still barely peeking over the street level, in perfect position to directly stare into Jisung's eyes.
Wonderful.
Jisung allows Changbin to just continue to drag him to the other dorm. Apparently his dorm mates had an agreement to not let Jisung ruin everything by staying behind but also decided to ignore why Jisung is acting so off. Today is Felix's day, no attention goes to Jisung.
Jisung just doesn't get a day for undeterred attention towards him apparently.
He doesn't deserve it..
Chan and Hyunjin are waiting at the front of the building, looking slightly impatient as they can finally head up, both holding a different type of present in their hands. Chan held a box covered in wrapping paper while Hyunjin was carrying two gift bags. They just had to wait for Changbin and Jisung as Chan had the only key and didn't want to ring the bell in case it woke Felix up. Hyunjin slides one of the gift bags to Changbin to carry, probably containing his gift for Felix.
Presents.. For Felix..
Jisung forgot his present for Felix and for a split second, didn't think Felix deserved it for forgetting Jisung's birthday but the sour voice in his head just made Jisung sink further into his pit of despair.. Hating on someone so kind.. How pathetic.
The two practically ignored Jisung except for Hyunjin's annoyed eye roll as they finally started to head up, Changbin finally letting go as Jisung proved himself to follow along without being dragged.
As Chan finally unlocks the door and lets them in, there are already streamers hanging down, balloons gathered in corners.. A Happy Birthday banner hanging up across the entry way.
For a moment, Jisung could imagine this was all for him. A secret surprise party.. Just. For. Him.
That is until Minho and Hyunjin pull the second banner saying 'Felix' under the first one.
Nothing to indicate any of this is for Jisung.
He has to choke down his tears as they shed their shoes and leave the gifts on the coffee table, each member moving silently to set up all the decorations. Jisung was soon found sitting on the couch, folding pink paper to make a bunch of small hearts so that Seungmin could stick them on the walls. It was nice, almost soothing as he repeats the motions of pressing and creasing the paper together to make something pretty.
"Feeling better Sung?" Chan comes by to check on the younger, patting him on the back.
"Yeah," Jisung just hums as he continues his task.
Press, crease, flip, fold.
He wasn't feeling better, just putting his thoughts somewhere else for now.
In the background, he could hear Minho whisper yelling directions towards the others.
"Hyunjin, fix the banner!" "Jeongin, clean up the entryway!" "Changbin, stop eating all the sausages!"
But Jisung was kept to himself, on the couch as the members worked around each other fluidly.
Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it.
It isn't until they hear the slight creak of a door opening down the hallway when everyone shushes at each other and wait for the special boy to make his appearance.
And he does, dressed in his over sized hoodie, currently rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he steps into the living room before instantly brightening up with a wide smile enough to make his cheeks hurt.
"Happy Birthday!" They all shout towards Felix except for Jisung, he just whispers his congrats that goes unheard through the shouts.
"I get the first hug!" "No, hug me first Lixie!" "I want a hug, share him!"
Where is my hug?
"Jisungie~" Felix calls over as everyone has gotten their fill for now, parting ways to let Jisung get his hug, who was still sitting on the couch, stone-faced.
Where is his chance to receive love from his members?
They probably don't love him as much as he loves them then..
He couldn't stop his heart from crying out anymore as tears started to slip down his cheeks.
"Ji, aren't you going to- dude, why are you crying?" Changbin looks over to the their last member to give Felix his birthday hugs when he notices the two slow drips falling down his cheeks.
"It- it's nothing.. Sorry.." Jisung mumbles as he barely reaches up to brush away the liquid.
"Are- are you alright?" Felix asks, concerned.
"I'm fine," Jisung tries to reassure but fails as he won't even look up at them.
"Yeah, sure you are," Changbin huffs, also concerned but more annoyed.
"What's wrong?" Chan questions this time.
"Nothing, I'm fine," Jisung just insists again.
"Quit being a brat and just tell us," Hyunjin huffs, irritated from Jisung's mood this whole time.
"Nothing's wrong! I'm fine!" Jisung screams, knowing if he were to spill whatever was bothering him, it'll all be so much worse. It'll be real. They'll know.
They'll know they forgot his birthday but not because they cared to remember, but because he told him.
He just wants them to care enough to remember, even if they remember that they forgot.
He just wants them to care.
The members flinch back at Jisung's tone but Chan just moves forward, pissed. He grabs onto Jisung's wrist and pulls him into the kitchen for a stern talk with the younger, angry at his attitude the whole day. He tried brushing it off but causing a scene like that warrants a talking too.
"I don't know what's going on with you but you either need to leave, or pull your act together.. Today is Felix's birthday and we don't need you ruining it with whatever selfish act you're trying to pull.. So either you wipe your tears, go out and apologize, or either be a bad friend and leave," Chan angrily demands in a loud whisper, giving him the ultimatum as he is tired with Jisung's attitude with whatever thing he is going through to try and ruin Felix's party.
Meanwhile, Jisung was staring the older in the face on where his hyung had gotten the audacity.
Bad friend.
Bad friend.
Bad friend?!
"Go fuck yourself, hyung," Jisung can't help but spit out with venom, choking down any tears as he brushes past the older to exit the kitchen.
While, in the living room, the rest of the members had heard everything. Minho was currently rubbing Felix's shoulders to be comforting as it went silent for a moment before they all caught a glimpse of Jisung rushing out of the kitchen, heading towards the entry way, and after the sound of a slight shuffle and jingling, the front door slammed, signaling the leaving of their member.
Chan stepped out of the kitchen, giving Felix a tight smile before letting out a sigh.
"I'm sorry that happened Lixie."
"It's okay hyung," but Felix's voice was disheartened and his face was crestfallen, upset that Jisung was upset, especially on his birthday.
"Don't worry, we'll talk to him later," Chan tried rubbing Felix's other shoulder to help but Felix still felt down. "Do you want to open your presents now?" Chan offered and while Felix wanted to say no and cancel the whole thing, not really in the mood anymore, he didn't want their hard work to go to waste, even if one member wasn't here.
"Yeah, sure.."
No one brought up the fact that there were only 6 gift bags on the table for the birthday boy.
The party had finally started to wind down around 11 pm, the members settling among the couches and let Felix choose which movies to watch the rest of the night until they evidently fall asleep.
Somehow, they had managed to move on from Jisung's 'outburst', not wanting to ruin Felix's special day. Before they gathered, Minho had taken Felix's phone so the other members could post their 'Happy Birthday Felix' posts to Instagram, wanting Felix to read them tomorrow and be happy.
Unfortunately, none of the members remained on Instagram after posting.
Though, half way through Free Guy, Changbin's phone started ringing.
"Shut it off," Hyunjin huffed, chucking a pillow towards the culprit.
And Changbin was about too, until he noticed who was calling.
"It's Yeonjun, I'ma be right back," Changbin whispers loudly before crouching down and waddling past everyone quickly, wincing as they hiss at him for moving in front of the TV for a moment. Shaking his head at his members, Changbin slips into the kitchen before answering the phone. "Hey! What's up?"
"Hey dude! I was trying to call Felix earlier but he wasn't picking up?"
"Oh, yeah, no, Minho stole his phone for the day so he wouldn't be answering," Changbin explains. "We don't want him being distracted when posting his happy birthday wishes until tomorrow."
"Ah okay, that makes sense, tell him I said happy birthday then before the day is over!"
"Don't worry, I will."
"I also got him and Jisung a present, what did you get them?"
"Jis-? Ah, well, I got Felix a new gaming headset and a few clothes he's been wanting.." Jisung? Why Jisung?
"Ooo nice! I wasn't gonna ask since I messaged him yesterday but it's still unread so do you mind asking Jisung to look at my messages when he can?"
"I- I can do that or pass on the message of what you were trying to tell him?"
"I was just telling him Happy Birthday but I want him to read my messages so he knows I didn't forgot to tell it to him on his birthday cause if you tell him for me today then he might think I forgot and I refuse to let him think I forgot his birthday."
"Yeah.. Sure.."
Jisung. Birthday?
Jisung's birthday?
Yesterday?
Jisung's birthday.. Was yesterday?
Fuck.
Changbin hardly recognized hanging up on his friend as he rushed back into the living room, panting as realization hits him like a freight train.
They forgot Jisung's birthday. They called him a brat for being upset. They called him selfish for trying to stand up for himself.
They let him leave.
They messed up so fucking bad.
Fuck.
"Changbin-hyung?" Felix pauses the movie as all 6 of the members attention turns to the panicked member standing with panic. "Is Yeonjun-hyung okay?"
"Ji- Jisung-" Changbin couldn't even say it through his breaths of terror.
"C'mon, sit down, we'll deal with Jisung later," Hyunjin pats on the seat beside him.
Changbin just shakes his head rapidly, managing to suck in enough deep breaths to spit it out.
"We forgot Jisung's birthday."
Everything froze.
And Changbin almost wished he didn't say anything as when everyone processed the words, he immediately noticed the tears springing to Felix's eyes.
"Shit," Chan curses, the first to speak as Changbin moves to sit next to Felix, hoping to quickly comfort the boy but it seems to be unhelpful as the younger curls in on himself with a whimper.
"Sh, shh, it'll be okay Lixie," he hums, wrapping an arm around the boy's shoulder to pull him to his chest. "We can still fix this." But Changbin wasn't even sure himself.
"We can try, that's all we can do know," Minho sighs, irritated, annoyed, guilty, all towards himself and slightly towards his other members except for Jisung since none of them had remember.
"C'mon, let's try and fix this," Chan encourages the others to stand up, already making plans to stop at many stores today. They still have time, right?
"Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday dear Sungie~ Happy birthday to you.." The members softly sing as Jisung opens the door, expecting the food delivery man, certainly not his members singing the song he was begging for to hear yesterday.
His eyes roam over each of them, all wearing a similar look for guilt but each holding something different. Felix was directly in front of him, holding out a cheesecake with candles that had already been blown up but looked like they were lit, probably having been blow out from the wind of opening the door maybe.
Chan, Hyunjin, and Jeongin were on Felix's right, holding a large stuffed squirrel, a couple of colorful bags, and a bag of food, in that order. Changbin, Minho, and Seungmin were on Felix's left, holding another bag of food, a few more bags, and a giant box, in that order.
Gifts, most likely, Jisung deduced, probably to make up for forgetting his birthday and calling him out earlier for being so upset but even so, Jisung can't feel any happiness as they had finally acknowledged what they forgot.
"How- How'd you know?" Jisung mumbles, his voice wobbling but knows he can't cry, he already cried so much that he's managed to gain a painful headache and stuffed nose.
"..Yeonjun mentioned your birthday being yesterday.." Changbin murmurs softly, full of guilt.
Jisung just hums, expecting to be disappointed but he just has no emotions left to feel after this tiring day.
They must've understood his reaction as they could feel their heart dropping as they couldn't even bother to remember themselves, someone had to remind them.
They were such terrible members.
"Jisung.. We are so, so, so very sorry Sungie, and we're going to spend so long trying to fix this but just know, we do love you," Chan steps forward, always the leader of the group wanting to speak first, Jisung can't help but pettily think in his mind.
9 years together and Chan couldn't even remember.. Guess after a certain amount of time, being his first maknae means nothing.
"Today, tomorrow is all yours, anything you want," Seungmin promises.
But as Jisung looks towards the current birthday boy, he notices Felix's red rimmed eyes and dried tear tracks down his cheeks.
"But it's your birthday now," Jisung mumbles, slightly feeling bad for ruining Felix's birthday.
"All I want is to make up for yesterday," Felix sniffles. "We messed up, we need to fix it, even today."
"But.. It's your day," Jisung urges, whispering, feeling the urge to cry come up as he's taking over Felix's day for being selfish, for making a scene.. For being born.
"Not anymore," Felix sighs as he hands the cheesecake to the closest member with free hands before pulling Jisung into a tight embrace, feeling the day-older member start to tremble in his arms. "Let us try and fix this Sungie, anything you want," Felix murmurs in his ear softly, running his hands up and down the now crying member's back.
"Yeah, Changbin will even buy anything you want for breakfast and dinner," Jeongin offers, coming to the twin's side, wrapping his arms around both of them.
"Hey!" Changbin tries to argue but freezes as the sight of the solemn look crossing Jisung's face as he looks up towards his hyung and Changbin just instantly caves. "Yeah- yeah.. I will, anything you want Sung." He agrees, pulling the trio into his arms.
"We will try, as long as it takes, to make things right," Minho promises as he joins in on the hug, softly patting on Jisung's bum.
Jisung wants to believe their words, their promises, but he knows nothing will ever heal the scar on his heart from these past few terrible days.
And he knows he won't ever forgot them forgetting this birthday, nor how they treated him after.
"We will try to fix this every single day, Hannie."
But how long until Jisung can forgive them?
And what will last longer? Their guilt or Jisung's pain?