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He wanted out.
Out…
OUT!!
Sasaki woke up in a sweat, sitting up while trying to catch his breath.
‘What the hell?’
He carded his fingers through his sunset locks, taking a deep breath. He hadn’t had one of these dreams since he was a first year. The want to ‘get out’ of a situation.
Problem is, ‘out’ of what or where?
He thought he had a decent life now. Planning on going to college and wanting to propose to his boyfriend later down the road. Was he getting the ‘jitters’ as they called it?
No.
This was that same feeling when he was younger. But why now?
What was too much, he wondered.
He had to get to school. He had to see Miyano.
He rushed to get ready for school, even though he didn’t have classes anymore. He checked the time. ‘Crap!’ He was about to be late for the train. He quickly grabbed his shoes, bag and jacket and rushed out the door.
Usually he’s ready for the early train just so he could ride it with Miyano, but today he figured he overslept through his alarm. Maybe it was because of his nightmare? Probably.
Luckily the train was still there, collecting the last of the passengers as he rushed through the doors just before they closed. He put his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.
“Senpai? Are you alright?”
Sasaki looked towards the seat to see those beautiful brown eyes that calmed him down. He stood up slightly and sat down beside him. “Yeah. Kinda overslept. Had a bit of a nightmare. I’m okay though.”
“Are you sure? Maybe you should’ve stayed home? You look kind of pale.”
“Nah. I needed to see you.”
Miyano blushed slightly and took Sasaki’s hand, hiding their hands between them. “If there’s anything I need to do for you, let me know, okay?”
“Yeah.” Sasaki leaned his head on top of Miyano’s and slowly closed his eyes. He just needed comfort and Miyano was willing to give him that. Everytime Sasaki’s mind thought of the nightmare, he squeezed Miyano’s hand and Miyano would squeeze back. Hopefully this little contact was enough to last till lunch time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately it didn’t.
Sasaki was in the library trying to study for the upcoming final tests. He couldn’t concentrate at all, even less than usual. It was as if his mind was all fogged up and his body was weak. It was hard for him to move his pencil to write his notes.
“Go to the nurse, Sasaki.”
Sasaki looked to his side to see Hirano staring at him with a worried look. “I’m fine.”
“You are not fine. Your breathing got worse.”
Sasaki’s eyes widened. His ‘breathing’? He realized that his breathing got shallower like he just ran a marathon.
“You go to the nurse and I’ll message Miyano about it.” Hirano starts to pull out his phone and Sasaki places his hand on the blond’s wrist shaking his head. “You’re only getting worse.”
“I’m fine. It’s just an off day for me. I can last till after school. Don’t need to bother Miya-chan for this.”
“I will update him whether you want me to or not. I’m sure he’s probably worried about you.”
“He is…but I don’t want to distract him.”
“You’re distracting yourself. In a way I can’t really tell if you’re coming down with something or if you’re on the verge of a panic attack.”
‘A ‘panic attack’? Haven't had one of those in forever.’ Sasaki sighs. “Fine. You can tell him only if this gets even worse.”
“You should be home before that even happens. I will force your ass home if I need to.”
“Hirano? I don’t think that’s gonna help.”
“Too damn bad. I will help Miyano come up with an excuse for class just to get you home.”
“I know.” Sasaki gets up from his seat. “Gonna grab a juice right quick.”
“Alright….” Hirano watches as Sasaki slowly walks out of the room. “He’s not coming back….” He opens his phone and starts typing on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
‘Who fuckin cares?’
‘Miya-chan would….’
‘Would he? You’re too much for him.’
‘I am? He hasn’t said anything.’
‘He’s too nice for his own good to say anything.’
‘I mean, yeah, but he would tell me things that I need to hear!’
‘He’s busy right now.’
‘Too busy for you.’
‘He’s in class!’
‘His smile for you is fake.’
‘It’s not. It’s not fake!’
‘Says who? He rejected you the first time. Who’s to say he’s not thinking about breaking it off with you? He probably doesn’t even love you!’
‘Then that’s fine….’
‘Is it?’
‘I want him to be happy. With or without me.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sasaki never made it to the vending machine.
When he left the library, he just kept walking. No destination in mind. Just walking.
Next thing he knew he walked into a classroom, closed the door, and crouched down in a ball holding his head. Sasaki grabbed his earbuds from his pocket and placed them in his ears. He tried to find a song on his phone, but just took the earbuds out of his ears and threw them towards a nearby desk.
This was some sort of attack. It was obvious. He knew it at this point.
Salty tears started to flow from his eyes and down his cheeks. He sat there with wide eyes, curling in on himself. He closed his eyes tightly and held his head for his thoughts to go away.
“S-stop…..stop….shut up….shut up shut up shut up!”
All of a sudden, a pair of arms slowly wrapped around him, pulling him into a familiar small frame and slowly rocking him back and forth. Sasaki cried even more, clinging onto the arms around him.
“I got you. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. I promise. Shhhh.”
“Mi…ya….?”
“Yeah. It’s me. I got you, Shuumei. Just like how you’re there for me. I’m here for you.” Miyano felt tears fall from his own eyes. Thank whoever he got there in time. Who knows what would’ve happened if he got there any later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Miyano had a bad feeling since the train ride to school. His boyfriend wasn’t acting like himself. Sasaki’s normally happy to see him, but today just felt off. Throughout class, he couldn’t concentrate. Kuresawa, Tashiro, and Shirahama all noticed how Miyano was out of it more than usual. When Kuresawa asked what was going on, Miyano explained how the day started. Kuresawa told Miyano to have his phone on his desk and if the teacher asked about it, Miyano was supposed to tell the teacher that there was a family emergency and he was waiting for someone to let him know.
It came sooner than expected.
He received a message from Hirano saying he thinks Sasaki got worse and was about to have a panic or anxiety attack. Hirano also messaged that he would vouch for him to leave class if need be. Miyano shot up from his seat, told his teacher that it was a family emergency and ran out the classroom door.
Kuresawa was also worried about the couple, but knew they would fill him in later. For now, he would get all the notes for Miyano to help him out.
As soon as he got into the hallway, Miyano called Hirano. “Hirano?! I got your message! Where is he?!”
“He said he was just going to get juice. I came out to check on him and now I can’t find him.”
“What do you mean you can’t find him?”
“He’s not near the library anymore. I checked the classrooms here and he’s not in any of them.”
Miyano stopped running in the direction he was going and thought for a second. His eyes widened and he sprinted towards the stairwell. “I think I might know where he is! Can you do me a favor and pack his stuff for me? I’m gonna take him home when I find him!”
“Sure! I’ll grab your stuff as well. That way you only have to make one trip.”
“Thanks, Hirano!”
“No prob! Both of you be safe, and call me or message me if you need me!”
“I will!”
Miyano hangs up the phone and focuses on what he needs to do.
Sasaki wasn’t near the library at all. Meaning he went somewhere to find a sort of comfort. If Miyano was correct, then he’d be….
Miyano quickly opened the door and rushed in. He looked in their usual spot in the classroom. What he saw broke his heart.
He was right. Sasaki went to seek comfort in the third year classroom that they hid in for lunch and whatever breaks they had.
He watched as Sasaki broke down crying and covering his head and ears, curled into a ball with his eyes closed.
Miyano looked towards the desk to find Sasaki’s earbuds laying there. Not even music helped him like it normally would.
He slowly walked towards his crying boyfriend to not startle him. “Senpai…?”
No response to his voice.
Miyano sat beside him. “Sasaki-senpai?”
He saw Sasaki slightly flinching when he touched the fabric of his jacket.
“Shuumei-san-” Miyano felt tears prick his eyes.
“S-stop…..stop….shut up….shut up shut up shut up!”
Miyano slowly put his arms around his crying boyfriend, holding him the best he could. Sasaki’s hands held onto his arms, holding them close while the smaller male rocked back and forth.
“I got you. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. I promise. Shhhh.”
“Mi…ya….?”
“Yeah. It’s me. I got you, Shuumei. Just like how you’re there for me. I’m here for you.” The tears flowed freely down his cheeks. Miyano was so happy he was right. He was so happy he found him. “Can I sit on your lap? So I can hug you better?”
Sasaki slowly nodded and let go of his arm. Miyano took Sasaki’s hand, reassuring him that he wasn’t going to leave. The smaller male moved to his boyfriend’s lap and pulled him into another hug, giving him light feather kisses on the top of his head.
Sasaki wrapped his arms around Miyano’s waist, clinging onto him tightly. “‘m sorry….” Sasaki says in a whisper.
“For what, Shuu?”
“You’re missing class….”
“I don’t care. You’re more important right now. I can get the notes from Kuresawa later.”
Sasaki slowly pulled back and stared at his boyfriend with wide teary eyes. “But-!”
Miyano places a finger to his lips and kisses his forehead. “Don’t even. You’ve been feeling off all day. Even if I was still in class right now, I couldn’t concentrate.” The raven haired male gave a soft smile. “I haven't been able to concentrate anyway since this morning. You weren’t your usual self and it worried me. The fact I can be by your side and help you, that’s all I need right now.”
Sasaki buried his face in Miyano’s shoulder. “Hirano told you?”
“He didn’t have to tell me much. Said he went to check on you and you had vanished.”
“That’s how you found me?”
“You were going somewhere for comfort. We spend a lot of time in this room together now that we’re dating. So this particular classroom is a comfort for the both of us.”
“You too?”
“Mhm. I mean, we had our first make-out session here.”
Sasaki started to chuckle through his tears. “That’s true.” He sniffled.
Miyano nuzzled into his hair, smelling the soft scent of Sasaki’s shampoo. “If you don’t mind me asking, what’s got you so upset?”
Sasaki took a deep breath and nuzzled more into Miyano’s shoulder.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, Shuu. Only when you’re ready.”
“‘s fine. You remember me telling you about my middle school days and how I thought everything was ‘too much’?”
“Yeah?”
“It was that feeling again. Only this time, it kinda dragged you with it.”
“What do you mean?”
“My head was telling me that I’m too much, how I’m bothering you, how you probably don’t care, that all of this is fake, and how you don’t love me like you say you do….”
Miyano squeezed him a little tighter and kissed the top of his head. “Shuumei, I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t care. Our love isn’t fake cause I took a long time to say ‘yes’ to you because I wanted to make sure this was real.” He kissed a little closer to his boyfriend’s ear, making him flinch. “You can be a bit much sometimes, but that’s just you. When you’re not a bit much, like today, I get worried.” Miyano caressed Sasaki’s cheek and pulled him to look in his eyes. “I love you too much. I love you so much that I have gotten upset that we don’t live together, that I can’t see your face when I wake up and fall asleep. I never thought I’d be like that. I never thought I could love someone as much as I do you.”
Sasaki leaned forward to touch Miyano’s forehead with his own. “....you really mean that?”
“Mhm.” Miyano wiped a stray tear that started to fall down his boyfriend’s cheeks. “I wouldn’t lie to you. You knew that. I had found out that thoughts like those happen all the time when you’re in a relationship. They don’t really go away, we just have to make sure we are stronger than those thoughts.”
“Do you have them too?”
“Yeah. But when I do, somehow you know.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that you poof at my house, you poof wherever I’m at, or you randomly message me at the right time. Every single time.” Sasaki starts chuckling until Miyano kisses the tip of his nose. “I’m being serious. But, I’m happy I can get you to laugh.”
The taller male pulled Miyano as close as he could. “What about class?”
“Stop worrying about it. Hirano is grabbing our stuff so we can leave. I’m going to take you home and make sure you have a better mental health day. Told the teacher this was a family emergency.”
“I’m…..family…..?”
A light pink blush crept onto Miyano’s cheeks. “Well, yeah….Unless you don’t want to….”
“I do.” Sasaki pecks Miyano’s lips. “I really do….”
Miyano chuckled. “One day we will make it official.”
“Who’s proposing to who?”
“Whoever gets to it first?”
“Alright. It’s a promise.”
Sasaki leaned in to kiss his boyfriend who happily kissed back.
One day he will marry this boy.
The boy who chased those dark clouds away.