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It was supposed to be another normal day.
A day where Seungmin is supposed to just wake up, study till his brain feels like it's fried, eat, and more studying until he's too exhausted and fall asleep. A typical burnout senior in high school.
And so everything was fine...
Until Seungmin realised his comfortable bras are still wet from the laundry.
And now he has to wear one of the tighter bras that he oh love so much.
>>>
I know what you might be thinking.
Well it's just one of the days when you just have to suck it up and wear the not so comfortable clothes.
It's your own problem that you didn't plan when to do your laundry properly.
>>>
On that prospect, Seungmin can't blame anyone but himself.
He indeed was too lazy to do the laundry and rely on his housemates to do it for him.
"Oh well, you reep what you sow. It is what it is" is what he told himself that morning.
>>>
And now, who would've thought Seungmin would be crying in the bathroom at 5pm.
>>>
You see, Seungmin is a trans male. He does get his occasional episodes of dysphoria but thinking that he's good at hiding it, he thought he'll be fine.
Oh how he wish he was wrong.
He's ended up wearing one of the sports bra that barely fit him anymore. And it's so tight and makes him scratch at his chest so often even his skin starts to flake.
And with the feeling of his chest so obvious to himself, he starts to get anxious. His anxiety sure has been getting worse since getting into senior year but adding dysphoria into the mix? It's only a matter of time before his anxiety and dysphoric episode hit him full force.
>>>
In all prospect, Seungmin's doing pretty well in school.
But ever since figuring himself out and discovering that he's a trans male, he's been getting... more uncomfortable in his skin.
And with that in mind, Seungmin's determined to score straight A in his national exam and hopefully will be able to get a scholarship to go to an overseas college that's somewhere more liberal to people like him. All the reason he's studying his ass off that he feels like he's the epitome of death sometimes.
After all, blame the country he's born and raised in for being so anti-LGBTQ+ that he feels like he's suffocating just for existing.
>>>
And now here he is, trying to breathe and think clear in the bathroom.
The whole day has been feeling so shitty that he just wants to tear his oh so tight bra and sleep his pain away. But he need to take a shower to calm his heart and also to wash away his sweat from... the panic? When was he sweating anyways? But whatever it is he just wants to feel clean and have the day to be over with.
The moment the bra are off, the sight of his chest just makes him fall deeper into his episode.
And now, with his breathing laboured, trying so hard to breathe but feeling like he's gonna faint, he started crying.
He wanted so bad to die right now.
The thought of commiting suicide sound so tempting right now.
He really want to just cut himself with the scissors and knives that he's hide away just to stop himself from doing these bad things to himself.
But of course his mind still remember where he kept his things. And now it's itching him to get them.
...
And Seungmin's scared.
Very very scared.
>>>
His mind is so evil sometimes.
He wants to live but his mind makes him think otherwise.
He wants to smile but his brain makes him feel like it's so hard.
He wants to laugh with his friends at school but it feels so hard.
Everything feels so fake.
The demons in his head won't leave him alone.
He wants to die, but he doesn't really want to.
He wants to end it all, but he doesn't really want to.
He's so scared he's gonna lose control of his conscious mind.
He's so scared his demons are gonna take over and suddenly he'll start doing things that he's trying so hard not to and then losing all warmth from life.
He's so scared he wants someone to hold him and tell him everything's gonna be alright.
>>>
*8pm*
'3 hours huh.'
'It's been such a long time since I was ever in the bathroom for such a long time.'
'Mom must be mad why I'm in the bathroom for so long.'
'Damn I look like shit' he said to himself as he looked at himself in the mirror, with his eyes red and puffy from crying, and his hair tangled as he couldn't even concentrate on washing himself and his hair in the shower in the mist of all his thoughts.
Walking down the stairs to the living room connected to the kitchen, he couldn't tell if he should be glad his parents aren't home yet so they won't be able to see he's been crying and potentially end his life a few moment ago. Or if he should be sad because he couldn't talk to them about anything and everything just for the distraction from all that he's been dealing with today.
'This is alright, I'm fine, I've dealt with this so many times I'll be okay'