Chapter Text
Sunlight comes creeping in
Illuminates our skin
We watch the day go by
Stories of all we did
It made me think of you
It made me think of you
(Wings, Birdy)
You struggled a little not to drop the phone when she told you.
Everything around you just fell away, and not in the good way.
There was a squeak in her voice that just oozed excitement and happiness, but you couldn’t reflect it, even if you searched your entire brain three hundred times.
‘Theo asked me to marry him, Bec! I can’t believe this! I’m going to finally have the wedding of my dreams!’
You wanted to be excited for her, you really did. You’d just gotten home from a long day at work, and Chloe had called you the minute you walked in the door. At first you’d thought something bad had happened, that you’d need to go straight back out to the hospital or something worse. But you were wrong. The only person that was going to suffer was you.
Chloe was getting married. Chloe is getting married.
And it’s not to you. Because you were too late.
It was her time, her big day, the one day every girl is supposed to have wondered about for their entire life.
Chloe was no exception.
She’d talked about it with you even though it never really interested you. This had been her dream since she was a little girl, you remember her telling you.
’I know it’s so cliché, but ever since I could understand what it was, you know, a wedding, getting married to the person you loved, forever and ever, I’ve just loved the idea of having the grand wedding with the big hotel, the petal confetti, even the doves, and a romantic dance at the reception to the gorgeous song that just tells our story. Do you want that, Becs?’
‘I’ve never really been partial to weddings, with what happened with my parents, but if it was the right person… I guess I wouldn’t care if it was in a shack, or in a registry office or a church. As long as it was them, I wouldn’t care.’
‘But you’d…you’d consider that, right? If they wanted a big wedding?’
‘If I loved them enough to get married I’d get married wherever they wanted to. As long as I get to marry them, I figure it doesn’t matter.’*
You remember the hope on Chloe’s face. In all these years you’d hoped she meant that for you.
It’s now, as you drive up the long country road to the Sawmill Creek Resort in Sandusky, Ohio, that you realise she didn’t mean it for you.
She was waiting for him.
‘I’m so happy for you Chlo. Where are you going to have it?’
‘I already have a venue - Sandusky, Ohio, on Lake Erie? It’s so beautiful! It’s perfect!’
‘I…I remember going there as a kid. My Grandma lived there, actually.’
‘Seriously?! Oh my God, this is like fate! This is gonna be the best weekend ever. Now, on the subject of bridesmaids…’
Of course, Chloe asked you to be Maid of Honour. It was only when you were assured you wouldn’t have to turn into elite wedding planner, that Aubrey had already happily assumed that role as Head Bridesmaid, that you accepted. Even as your eyes began to water.
You remember the exact feeling of your tears spilling over, staining your cheek with cold, salty water that would stay on your skin for at least an hour until Luisa had come home and found you on the floor, blank faced and staring at the back of the dark leather sofa as if it was your only solace. After a couple of minutes, you looked up at her and saw the worry in her face. You didn’t want to make her worry; she already had enough to worry about in her field of work. As a movie producer, she had bigger things to worry about than a 5’2” puddle of emotional mess. But she worried nonetheless.
You wonder how your roommate put up with you, as she picked up your tiny body and carried you swiftly to the bed, tucking you in like she was the mother who hadn’t left you, or the big sister you always wanted, and leaving some candy by the bed for when you woke up. Of course, she knew candy wasn’t going to make it better, but it might sugar coat the pain for a while.
She didn’t even know what was going on. When she asked the next morning, it took you a few beats to reply.
‘Chloe’s marrying him, Isa.’ Luisa closed her eyes slowly, ducking her head slightly.
‘I’m guessing you’re the Maid of Honour.’ You nodded once.
She sighed and sat next to you, and you let your head loll onto her shoulder, not bothering to fight back more tears. She grabbed your hand tightly and kissed your head lightly.
She knew that you had been dreading this since you first heard about Theo.She’d dated people before, but you always had a feeling with this guy. She just…never stopped talking about him.
‘She’s made me this emotional wreck, Isa. Why does she make like this? I used to be a normal person who didn’t get hung up on shit like weddings and love. Jesse knew that more than anyone. You know that. I just don’t understand why she makes me feel like this.’
‘Maus, you know that love doesn’t bear understanding. That is the point. You’re not supposed to be able to explain it. It’s supposed to be the wonderful thing nobody can really figure out. I love Pieter more than almost anything in the world; he is my best friend. But he’s an idiot. I cannot explain why I love him. And I drove back and forth over the borders of Luxembourg and Belgium just to see my ex-girlfriend. And the only reason I had for that was because I loved her. It doesn’t explain itself. I know this is tough to hear, but Chloe loves the man giant. She can’t explain that.’
You looked up at her, peeking your head out from the top of her shoulder for a moment.
‘I know. I have to try and let her go. Maybe… maybe seeing her get married will finally end it.’
‘I hope so, Maus. It hurts to see you like this.’
You let your head your head fall back onto her shoulder as you thought about Chloe and Theo.
She really was in love with him.
’Theo is taking me to Sunset Tower Hotel & Spa, can you believe that? He’s so sweet! Becs, honestly I’m beginning to think, that maybe…’
‘ You love him?’
‘…Yeah. I never thought this would happen, honestly. It’s like my dreams are finally coming true. The perfect person, love, a great job…I’m not sure I deserve all this.’
‘Shut your face, Chlo. You deserve the world.’
There was a little glint in Chloe’s eyes before she smiled brightly and bashfully.
‘Don’t be silly, Becs! You're the one who deserves everything they want. Speaking of which, what’s happening with you and Luisa anyway?’
‘Oh God, we went on a couple of dates but it was just too awkward. We’re better as flirty friends, apparently. She’s actually my roommate now.’ ‘Seriously? Totally didn’t see that one coming. Now who’s up for Netflix…’
You try to push the never-ending thought down that he’s just… too good to be true. You finally see the hotel up ahead of her, its own little slice of paradise on Lake Erie. You remember it well.
When your whole family went to visit her Grandma, they’d go down to the hotel for lunch sometimes; then go down by the abandoned boathouse to relax, maybe take a swim. You’d gotten used the cold then - you didn’t swim in the winter months of course, but the water was always pretty chilly.
After living in LA for 5 years, you hope that you’ll still be used to it.
You hope it still exists, the boathouse.It might be your only place to get away from the hell that will be this weekend.
Isa, Jesse and Aubrey. They’re the three people who know how you really feel.
You’ve been bottling it up for so long, your feelings for Chloe.
She didn’t even like you that way anyway; she deserved something better and something that felt like it was forever. It wouldn’t have felt like that for her, you deduced.
It would have for you.
But you were too scared to tell her the truth, and now you’ve lost her to this beautiful hunk who models for Davidoff. Because you didn't tell her in time.
It reminds you how inadequate you are for her. How much this wedding makes you want to tear your insides to shreds.
As the car valet and the entrance finally come into view, not more than 800 metres away, you remember the day Jesse found out about the wedding.
'I’m so sorry, Bec. I can’t imagine how this must feel.’
‘It’s for the best… I guess she’ll be happy, right? If you love them, let them be happy and all that bullcrap.’
‘Becs I gotta tell you something…’
‘What is it, Jess?’ ‘
I can’t make it to the wedding.’
You sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose.
‘It’s not your fault, Jess. Scoring the new Avengers Infinity War’s gotta be something else.’
‘It’s a test alright. But Luisa will be there and so will Aubrey.’
‘Are you kidding? Aubrey will just come over to me, clipboard in hand, order me not to fuck up this wedding and then go harass some florists.’
‘She's not that bad, Bec. I mean, I am living with her.'
'Lucky you.'
'Well, Luisa then.’
‘She’s been awesome.’
‘Just hang in there, okay?’
Your reply is nothing more than a meek whisper.
‘Okay.’
You drive round the fountain and stop your car outside the entrance to the hotel, the valet coming up to your window and politely asking about the valet. You get out of the car, and look back to the drive you’d just come down.
No turning back now.
That thought in your head is cemented when you hear her voice.
‘Beca Effin Mitchell!’
You turn around and those cerulean eyes, and you could swear they pierce your fucking soul.
She’s bouncing up and down on the spot, clapping her hands like a little kid. It’s too endearing, and you can’t bear to think about it for too long.
You let her squeeze you tightly. You welcome it; you haven’t actually seen her in weeks. You’ve been busy, doing interviews and press conferences following the release of your second studio album. Chloe’s been choreographing Emily’s latest tour. It’s got to have been six weeks, and the wedding planning that you’ve been involved in has all been done over the phone.
You’ve missed her so much.
She still smells like the summer berries shower gel she used when she barged into your shower that day in freshman year. You can’t quite believe she still uses it… it’s intoxicating. God, how does she do this to you?
Holding her, seeing her so happy and alive makes you think that maybe you can get through this weekend.
She lingers a little too long before smiling brightly at you.
‘You excited?’ You ask her, knowing the answer. You just don't know what to say.
‘I can’t believe this is finally happening, Becs,’ she says shakily, tears forming in her eyes.
‘Neither can I,’ you reply, trying incredibly hard to keep your emotions to yourself.
You still can’t quite comprehend that she make you…feel so much.
It’s at that moment that he walks out to the front steps. He smiles at you fondly and hugs you, which you’re really not ready for, and you barely get a chance to put your arms around him before he pulls away.
‘How you doing, Beca?’
‘Awesome,’ you reply, trying to hold back the sourness in your voice.
He wraps his arm around Chloe’s waist and they smile at you like the perfect all-American couple.
It’s when you momentarily glance at Chloe’s ring finger to see the bright ruby sat there, that you change your mind.
You’re not sure at all whether you’re going to get through this.