Archive of Our Own

Kakuzu looked at his watch for the umpteenth time, the containers of takeout he had picked up on his own way home for dinner grew colder and colder the longer they sat on the coffee table. Hidan should have been home from work already. They should have been eating dinner together, talking about their respective days at work while something played on the TV in the background. 

Hidan wasn’t too late, and twenty five minutes wasn’t nearly enough to cause Kakuzu to outright worry, but somehow, he just knew something was wrong. 

Slowly twenty five minutes turned to thirty, and then forty five as time seemed to drag by. An hour passed and still Hidan was not home. No call or even as much as a text to let Kakuzu know he was running late or that he got held up somewhere due to the heavy rain or traffic. Nothing to let Kakuzu know that he decided at the last minute to hang out with Deidara or Itachi. 

It wouldn't have been out of place years earlier, when Hidan used to forget or just not think to let Kakuzu know he wouldn't be home right after work, not realizing he had someone who actually cared enough to worry about him. Now however, it was so unlike who Hidan had become not to let Kakuzu know.

As Kakuzu paced the living room of their home, unable to sit still and needing to do something but couldn't do anything more than wait, a pit of unease settled and grew in Kakuzu’s stomach as each minute ticked by and he still wasn't home. 

Kakuzu called Hidan for what had to have been the tenth time, but like all his other calls before, it went straight to voicemail. There was always the possibility that his phone’s battery died but even still, Hidan would just have Deidara or whoever he was with text for him. 

It was then that Kakuzu realized he could text Deidara himself, so Kakuzu sent a quick ‘Is Hidan with you?’ and then waited, hoping for once to hear that yes, Hidan was with him and they were getting shitfaced together. It was Friday night after all, and Kakuzu could be angry about it later. Or, since knowing Deidara lived closer to where Hidan worked, maybe Hidan had some forethought to wait at his place until the rain let up a bit before coming home. Hidan could spend the night there if he wanted. Kakuzu didn't care. All he cared about and wanted was to know that Hidan was alright. 

Several minutes later he received an answer and it was not what he wanted to hear: ‘No. Is everything alright?’ 

Kakuzu sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. If everything was alright, would he be asking where the hell Hidan was? Instead of sending that, he typed up something else and sent it.

‘He hasn’t gotten home from work yet and he’s not answering his phone.’

And then, after some hesitation, Kakuzu added: 'I'm worried.'  

Deidara’s next response was quicker: ‘Aww, afraid he left you for something better and younger? Kidding. I’ll let you know if I hear anything.’ 

Kakuzu refused to grace that with a response and tried texting Hidan—again.

Finally, two and a half hours from the time Hidan should have been home, Kakuzu's phone rang. Nerves on end, Kakuzu jumped, expecting to see Hidan’s number and the picture of him grinning back with swollen lips and a lust glazed look in his violet eyes, but instead it was a number he didn't recognize. 

In most cases where it was an unknown number, he would decline the call, not wanting to deal with telemarketers or scammers but something told him he needed to answer and so he accepted the call. Everything came to a grinding halt as he was asked by a woman’s grave voice to confirm his name. Kakuzu knew from experience that nothing good ever came from late night calls that started that way. Could it be it was the morgue (the woman on the phone sounded about as cheerful as one) and they were going to ask him to come in and identify a body? The blood drained from Kakuzu's face at that thought. 

Kakuzu told her his name and then cleared his throat. “Who am I speaking with?”

“I’m Dr. Senju. I work at Konoha General Hospital.”

Kakuzu was sure his heart stopped at those words. Not the morgue but close enough, then he reminded himself that hospitals had morgues, too.

"Are you still there?" She asked when he remained silent.

"I am," Kakuzu said, his voice sounding muffled to himself, like he was underwater. This couldn’t be real, he thought, it had to be a nightmare. His knees went weak and he needed to sit down but stayed where he was, standing in the living room as he looked out the window as the rain came down in sheets. 

She then needed him to confirm that he was Hidan’s emergency contact, and state his address.

Blood rushed in Kakuzu’s ears as he braced himself against the wall with one hand as he did so. When had Hidan ever filled out that information, Kakuzu wondered silently, glad he had the foresight to do so in the first place. It made him wonder what other things Hidan may have taken care of as well. Did he have a ‘do not resuscitate’ order? And why didn’t Kakuzu know if he did or not? 

Those were the kinds of things they should have discussed but never did talk about. Hidan was still so young and seemed to think he was pretty much invincible and the one time Kakuzu tried to bring it up, Hidan completely shut down and refused to talk about it. They had argued afterwards, Hidan telling him to never talk about stupid shit like that again!

So they just… let it go and never discussed it. It wasn’t as if Hidan knew about Kakuzu’s advance directives, including a DNR, because if he did, Kakuzu knew full well that Hidan would ignore it if it was ever brought to his attention. 

“Hidan was involved in an accident,” the doctor told him over the phone. “It was bad. We need you to come in.”

Kakuzu forced the words out as they stuck in his throat like thorns, “Is he alive?” He needed to know that at least. It seemed like an eternity passed between when he asked and when the doctor answered, and Kakuzu wasn’t a religious man but in that moment, he considered praying to any and every god he could think of for Hidan to be alive. 

“Yes,” the doctor said over the line without missing a beat. “He’s alive but he’s in serious condition. I would like to explain everything to you in person.”

“Of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”  

Hidan was alive and it was all Kakuzu cared about at that moment. Anything and everything else, he could deal with later, first thing he needed to do was to get down to the hospital. Kakuzu grabbed his keys and wallet, threw on a dark coat over his favorite burgundy sweater, one Hidan had bought him after a particularly bad fight they’d had, and was out the door without a second wasted.

Sitting in the hospital room, Kakuzu listened to the doctor. From what they could tell and from what witnesses said, Hidan had been hit by a car while splitting the lane on his motorcycle and he lost control in the rain and went down. 

That damn fucking motorcycle! Kakuzu had always hated it. No matter how good Hidan looked riding it—and he looked very good on it indeed—Kakuzu had always wanted him to get rid of it. Or at the very least, to only ride it out away from the city and the traffic. Hidan refused, of course, he rarely ever listened to anyone. Stubborn bastard.

The doctor went on to explain that Hidan had a concussion, after having been thrown off his bike and hitting the pavement hard enough to be knocked out. 

“Some might say he had a guardian angel.”

Kakuzu snorted at that. He didn’t believe in things like miracles, angels or gods. Hidan might, but not him. “And where was that angel to keep him up on his bike?”

“Things could have been much, much worse,” The doctor said and raised a brow but instead of arguing, she continued, “He has broken ribs, his right arm is also broken. He had a dislocated shoulder that we popped back in. And his hands were chewed up pretty bad, so we’ve cleaned and dressed them. It’s a good thing he had on that protective jacket. It could have been… a lot worse.” She paused, looking tired. “I’ve seen my share of motorcycle accident victims, the majority of them don’t make it. He is very lucky to be alive right now. We’ll be keeping a close eye on him.”

Kakuzu nodded, barely listening by that point, watching as Hidan’s chest rose and fell with each breath. He was alive. With relatively minor injuries as opposed to what he could have ended up with. 

The helmet and jacket had been a birthday gift when their relationship became serious, and weren’t at all cheap. They were top of the line. If Hidan insisted on riding that thing, Kakuzu had decided he was going to make sure he was as well protected as possible. They had proven to be worth it.

A moment later the doctor started to leave after telling him that she would give him some time alone, but Kakuzu stopped her suddenly, sitting up in the chair and asked, “Has he woken up at all?”

She paused in the doorway. “No. Not yet, anyways. We’re hoping he will soon. Visiting hours are technically over but no one’s kicking you out tonight if you want to stay.”

Kakuzu knew what she didn’t say, that he may never wake up, but that would be something to worry about later. Hidan was alive and that was the most important thing to Kakuzu. He reached out and picked up one of Hidan’s hands that had been wrapped in bandages. It was warm, and Kakuzu gave it a gentle squeeze. 

In that moment part of him expected to feel Hidan squeeze his hand back, open his eyes and tell him he didn’t need to worry, tell him not to cry but that he’d actually kind of like it if Kakuzu did cry only so he could tease him about it later. But none of those things happened and instead Hidan just laid there in the hospital bed, unresponsive and hooked up to machines with an I.V. drip in his arm.

A little over week had gone by before Hidan woke up. Kakuzu didn’t think he'd ever been so relieved and worried at the same time ever before in his life. He had spent most of his time at the hospital since Hidan’s accident, sitting in the room with him. 

The doctors and nurses had all told him he should try to talk to Hidan, that it could help, that he may be able to hear him. But Kakuzu had found that to be far too awkward when he tried, and didn’t say much other than to announce he was there or that he had to go home to sleep, and how Hidan had better wake up soon. 

Kakuzu had been sitting beside the hospital bed, reading – or trying to read but couldn’t concentrate too much as he kept looking up from the page, hoping to see Hidan open his eyes. Other times he would just stare at the page, the words bleeding together as Kakuzu's mind wandered. What would happen if Hidan never woke up? How long could he lay there in bed, comatose? Hidan would hate it, even when sick it was hard for Hidan to rest as he always felt like he needed to be doing something. Hidan never sat still for long, and seeing him unmoving for a week... it was unnerving to Kakuzu.

Finally Kakuzu rubbed his eyes and set aside his book. He hadn't even gotten through a quarter of it since he had started it. Usually he could finish a book in a couple of nights. With a sigh, he turned his attention to Hidan, silently willing him to wake up or to at least move, give any indication that he was still there! Kakuzu hadn't resorted to prayer, not yet, but he felt he wasn't too far off from trying.

"Come on, Hidan. Wake up," Kakuzu said quietly. He was going to have to go get something to eat soon but hated to leave, in case Hidan woke and he wasn't there. He didn't want Hidan to feel abandoned, or alone.   

And then Hidan did open his eyes before closing them again. Kakuzu stood, it had happened so fast and he unsure if he had imagined it, or if Hidan was actually waking up. It felt like an eternity before Hidan opened his eyes again and Kakuzu breathed, unaware he had been holding his breath at all.

Confused and not knowing where he was, it took Hidan several moments to realize he was in a hospital bed and then he saw the I.V in his arm.

“Oh shit.” It was slurred, Hidan’s voice hoarse from disuse. Before he could yank the tubing out and make a mess by bleeding all over the place, Kakuzu stopped him, gently grasping his hand.

“Don’t do that. Just leave it alone.” 

Hidan just stared up at him in confusion and made a face. “Why? You my doctor or somethin’?”

Kakuzu’s blood turned to ice in his veins. “You… don’t know who I am?” That was normal, Kakuzu quickly told himself. Hidan just needed a few minutes and he'd be laughing at not recognizing Kakuzu.

“Look. I don’t even know why I’m here.” Hidan groaned and for the first time saw his one arm in a cast, mumbled something like ‘no wonder it felt heavy’, saw the light bandages on his hands and Kakuzu could see the realization setting in that something bad had to have happened to him. 

“Seriously, what the fuck happened..?” 

Before he could say more, Kakuzu spotted a nurse passing by and recognized her as one of the nurses who had been taking care of Hidan since he was brought in. She immediately saw that Hidan was awake and called down the hall for the doctor as she hurried into the room, asking Kakuzu to please leave and wait outside in the waiting area so they could have some space to ask Hidan some questions and run some tests.

Traumatic brain injury. Amnesia. 

Kakuzu recalled watching old television shows as a boy, where someone would get hit over the head and lose their memory, then get hit again and remember everything. He didn’t think that would be a valid treatment option, certainly no doctor would condone it, but some horrible part of him thought that it was worth a shot and wanted very much to try.

The way Hidan looked at him with absolutely no recognition when Kakuzu walked back into his hospital room after being spoken to by the doctor was strange. It hurt. Of all the things Kakuzu expected to happen when Hidan woke up, it wasn’t this. 

“So uh, do we… Do we live together?” Hidan finally asked after he had some water and his throat wasn't as dry. “They told me, but…I guess I want to hear it from you.”

“We do." Kakuzu rubbed his temples, feeling a migraine coming on. “We have a house, nothing fancy but it’s enough.”

Then, as he looked Kauzu up and down, “So, I’m gay then?”

Kakuzu wasn’t sure whether to laugh or not, and the corners of his mouth turned up and it was the closest thing to a smile he had gotten since the night of Hidan’s accident.

“Yes. Well, technically bi.” 

Hidan nodded. “Huh. Makes sense.” 

Kakuzu wondered what that meant but said nothing. Only Hidan would be checking people out as soon as he woke from a coma. Kakuzu found it rather endearing, in a strange way. And maybe he hadn't been checking anyone out, and simply found the doctor and nurses attractive. Kakuzu wouldn’t blame him, even he had noticed that they were good looking. Not that Kakuzu had been checking them out, but he would have to be blind not to notice.

At the thought that they were possibly flirting with Hidan, or him with them, he wasn't as amused. Kakuzu knew just how flirtatious and charming Hidan could be on a good day... This however wasn't a good day, nowhere near it, and he had only just woken from a coma. Even at his worst, however, Kakuzu wouldn't put it past Hidan, and could remember him flirting with a nurse as he was being treated for alcohol poisoning years earlier. 

"They told me I've been out for like over a week." 

Kakuzu nodded. "Nine days."

"The doctor also told me I was in an accident. Do you think the police will make me talk with them?" 

"I'm not sure since you can't remember anything it won't be helpful, and the driver who hit you was never caught." That had bothered Kakuzu quite a lot. Whoever had taken Hidan down was still out there as if nothing had happened, able to go on with their life while Hidan's—and his—may never be the same.

More silence followed, and Kakuzu just felt so awkward as he stood there, unsure if he should sit down and keep Hidan company, which was what he would have liked to do, or if he should instead just leave, and he thought that was maybe what Hidan would want him to do but he didn’t want to ask and Hidan didn’t tell him anything either way. 

It was a lot to take in at once and he knew it must be even more so for Hidan. All Hidan knew about himself was his name and a few things here and there from when he was young, every other memory was gone. Kakuzu couldn’t imagine how absolutely terrifying and devastating that must be for him.

The doctor mentioned brain damage (Deidara was going to have a field day with that… in fact, all their friends would) and had told Kakuzu that Hidan’s memories were likely to return within a few days but there was always the chance he may never regain his memories, or he may have some return while others didn’t. 

Kakuzu could feel the tension in the room growing, knew Hidan was getting irritated by the way his jaw tightened, how he refused to look at Kakuzu, even his breathing had changed.

And then Hidan finally broke the silence between them, suddenly shouting, “Are you just gonna stand there like that?! I’m tired and kinda just wanna be left alone right now. I don’t… I don’t even fucking know you!” 

It was a punch to the gut. Kakuzu tried hard to understand where Hidan was coming from—he had just woken up from a coma and didn't remember much of anything and had no memory of Kakuzu—but they cut him deep. 

“Right. I’ll go then.” Kakuzu said in a clipped tone, his mouth pressed into a fine line as he looked around the room and spotted Hidan’s cell phone on the tray next to the bed, along with the half empty cup of water the nurse gave him. From where Kakuzu stood he could see that the screen was badly cracked from the accident but he thought it could still work, Deidara’s phone always did. Somehow.

Maybe it might even help Hidan to remember things. Kakuzu hoped so at least. 

“I can come back later with the charger for your phone and a few other things you might like to have.” 

Hidan just nodded, chewing his bottom lip that was cracked and dry, looking like he was close to breaking down and likely would as soon as Kakuzu left. It was hard not to be able to try and offer him any comfort, and Kakuzu shifted from one foot to the other before snatching up the cup to go refill for him in the bathroom.

As Kakuzu set it back down, Hidan’s breathing hitched and caught in his throat as tears welled up in his eyes.

“Just fucking leave already! Please.” Hidan’s voice cracked and he looked down at the rumpled sheets on his hospital bed, hands tightening into fists.

All Kakuzu wanted to do was to take Hidan home, wanted to kiss him and run his fingers through his hair and hold him close. But he couldn’t do any of those things. Hidan just wanted him to leave, and so Kakuzu left. Just before he shut the door to the hospital room, Kakuzu heard a choked sob come from Hidan and it took all his willpower not to go back in there, not even turn around and look at Hidan. 

It wasn’t until late the following morning that Kakuzu returned to the hospital to find Hidan asleep. His first thought was that Hidan had fallen back into a coma, or that maybe he hadn’t woken up at all and everything from the previous day had been a bad dream, but as Kakuzu quietly set things down, Hidan slowly opened his eyes and looked around, looking like he didn't remember where he was for a moment. As his eyes fell on Kakuzu he seemed to relax some.

Looking at Hidan, Kakuzu thought that for someone who had slept for a week, he looked utterly exhausted, with dark shadows beneath his eyes. He was pale, too, much more than usual.

“You came back,” Hidan said and sat up with a grunt of pain, his bandaged hand going to his chest. “Damn ribs… Fuck that hurts...”

“Of course I came back. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Yesterday you didn’t, and I thought… because I told you to leave…”

“That I wouldn’t come back at all?”

Hidan bit his lip and nodded. 

“You wanted time alone, so that's what I gave you. You may not remember things, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. And it doesn’t mean I love you any less.” Kakuzu swallowed thickly, voice gruff. He hadn’t expected any of this when Hidan woke up and would rather not have to deal with it at all.

“You really do love me, huh? One of the nurses said you were here everyday.” There was a very small smile on Hidan’s face, the first one Kakuzu had seen since the morning before the accident and he stopped himself just in time from making a playfully teasing remark.

“I do, and I was. Yes.”

At the admission, a soft flush colored Hidan’s cheeks and he turned away as he blinked back tears. 

“Wish I could remember…” 

“I wish you could, too.” The fact that Hidan didn’t remember him presented another problem, one Kakuzu hadn’t wanted to face yet: their relationship. How would it work when one half couldn’t even remember the other? Was he supposed to try and get Hidan to fall for him again? Or try and tell him about their relationship? Or would they just go on being together and take each day as it came? Or, worst case, were they... no longer a couple?

“The doctor said you might regain your memory after a few days, maybe a couple of weeks.” Kakuzu sat down in the chair he had kept vigil in while Hidan was in his coma and asked, “Is it alright if I stay a while?”

Nodding, Hidan reached for his phone with his good hand. “Yeah, she told me that, too, but she also told me I needed to understand that I might not ever. She uh, recommends therapy.” Hidan cleared his throat and after a moment held out his phone. “Plug this in for me? Maybe I can look at whatever shit I’ve got on there. Might help me get my memory back, right?”

Kakuzu hesitated, knowing exactly what one of the first photos Hidan was going to see on there was, but plugged the phone in anyways and they waited for it to restart. 

“So how long have we been together?” Hidan wanted to know, laying back down, clearly tired already. 

“Five years, but we’ve known each other longer. Do you want to know how we met?” Kakuzu paused, and then added, "Or how we got together?" 

Hidan paled and shook his head before looking away but not before Kakuzu saw his eyes water. "Maybe later."

Kakuzu could only imagine what was going through his mind. All those memories, his whole life, every single meaningful moment, all of it just gone. 

It was then that the screen on his phone lit up and Kakuzu restarted it, surprised it still worked at all. He held it out for Hidan to input his passcode but Hidan only looked at it blankly, fingers hovering over the broken screen. Kakuzu took the phone back, thankful that he knew what Hidan’s passcode was. Even if he hadn't been told, he would have easily guessed: 6969. Hidan had made it as a joke after their failed first attempt at the position. Neither had much enjoyed it, and it had ended with Kakuzu gagging Hidan so badly he very nearly made him sick. In fact, he was sure he had, with the way Hidan ran for the bathroom, but Hidan had denied it. They laughed about it later but at the time neither were very pleased with the other and both went to bed with their backs to each other and neither satisfied.

With the phone unlocked Kakuzu handed it to Hidan and sat back so Hidan could go through his phone on his own, wondering what he would choose to look at first, and figured it would most likely be the photos. If it was, then Kakuzu knew exactly what one of the very first things Hidan would see was…

The way Hidan’s eyes suddenly went wide told Kakuzu he was right. It was the photos. 

Biting his lip, Hidan glanced from his phone to Kakuzu and back again. For some reason Hidan always enjoyed taking pictures of the two of them lying in bed after sex, often times not bothering to crop anything out. When asked, he told Kakuzu it was for proof for his friends that he actually made someone fall for him. 

Kakuzu knew he took them for other reasons, too. Something to get off to when he was alone, having no shame, Hidan freely admitted it when asked. 

Just the night before the accident, Hidan had snapped one of Kakuzu in the shower.

“Are there videos, too?” Hidan blurted out, then quickly added, “Sorry, I just–”

“Don’t apologize,” Kakuzu told him and raised a brow. “If you’re curious… why don’t you check? It’s your phone after all.”

“Damn… you’re… you’re really fucking hot.” Hidan laughed and returned to looking through the camera roll on his phone until he paused, eyes glued to the screen. “Wish the screen wasn’t so smashed up. But apparently we like it rough.” He paused and sucked in a breath, “I’d better save those videos for later. What's the password?”

Kakuzu told him, and then wondered if he should also tell him the story behind it but didn't, Hidan didn't ask for it either.

Blinking a few times, Hidan’s smile fell and he loosened his grip on his phone. 

“Something wrong?” Kakuzu asked and knew that yes, there were a lot of things wrong.

“Yeah… it’s like… I feel like I shouldn’t even be looking at these. Maybe it won’t make sense but it’s like looking through someone else’s life. It’s me, it's you. It's us. I can fucking see that! But I don’t remember any of it.” Hidan made a frustrated noise. “I fucking hate this!”

Kakuzu felt his chest constrict. Looking through pictures hadn't helped it seemed. “I hate it, too.”

“How long are they gonna be keeping me here?” Hidan finally asked, setting his phone down, having had enough for now, and tried to stifle a yawn. 

“I’m not sure. That’s something you’d have to ask your doctor.” Kakuzu mentally debated whether or not he should ask, sure that Hidan would have said something but he decided to go for it anyways. “Did looking through the photos not at all help?”

Hidan shook his head, jaw tight. “Not a damn fucking bit. Don’t you think I’d have said something?”

That only made Kakuzu feel stupid for asking at all, and he looked away with an irritated sigh that he immediately felt guilty for.  

For a while they sat in an uncomfortable silence before Hidan picked up his phone again and started looking through it. Kakuzu glanced up once in a while, and guessed Hidan was reading text messages if the way his eyes moved back and forth were any indication. He wondered which ones but he decided to just keep his mouth shut until Hidan decided to break the tense silence between the two of them himself. Eventually he did.

“Who the fuck is Deidara?” Hidan asked, looking up at Kakuzu. “He sounds like an ass.”

Kakuzu snorted. “Your best friend.”

“Huh… Well… to be fair, I sound like an ass, too.” 

“You certainly can be.” 

Going home wasn’t as easy as Kakuzu had hoped it would be. As soon as Hidan had been given a bag of everything he had been wearing and anything that had been on him when he was originally brought in the night of the accident, it had set him on edge. There were blood stains on the sleeves of the jacket, his shirt had been cut down the center, His jeans had been ripped and torn where he had hit the asphalt. The face of his watch had been shattered and no longer worked. 

Hidan blinked several times and shoved everything back into the bag with trembling hands, tossed it onto the end of the hospital bed and refused to look at it.

Kakuzu waited in his chair while Hidan signed seemingly endless paperwork and then they both listened to a whole slew of instructions from his doctor, from how to bathe with his cast, to make sure to keep his hands cleaned as they were still healing, to being careful when it came to twisting or bending due to his broken ribs, along with instructions for his pain medications. 

Finally she looked at Kakuzu and then Hidan and told them Hidan wasn’t yet cleared for sex what with the broken arm and ribs. From where Kakuzu sat, he could see the muscle in Hidan’s jaw tighten as his eyes narrowed. Why had she said anything about sex? It wasn’t as if Kakuzu was going to try anything with Hidan in his current mental state. The thought of it made him feel sick.

“Don’t worry,” Hidan groused. “I don’t plan on having sex with someone I don’t even fucking know!”

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and had to bite his tongue from saying anything. It’s not as if it had ever stopped Hidan before but that wasn’t the issue here. Hidan was starting to voice something Kakuzu hadn’t wanted to think about, and again pushed from his mind. He would deal with it later. Much later, hopefully.

The doctor then handed Kakuzu a stack of papers, which had all the information she had just explained on it, and informed them of several appointments that had already been scheduled for later in the week. One with a neurologist, and one with Hidan’s primary doctor, and another with radiology. After that it would be up to him to schedule his own appointments, though when this was said, the doctor looked pointedly at Kakuzu.

“Don’t look at me,” Kakuzu told her with a shake of his head, “he’s grown, he can make his phone calls himself. He wouldn't want someone he doesn't know to do that for him, now would he?” 

Making phone calls was something Hidan could do, yes, but for some odd reason absolutely hated. Kakuzu wondered if that would still be the same, or was whatever made him avoid phone calls suddenly gone with everything else? It seemed Hidan's personality was still mostly intact, so maybe not.

“Of course he can, but please make sure he actually does. It's very important.” She wished Hidan well, and muttered a much needed ‘good luck’ to Kakuzu and was gone.

Finally, Hidan was able to get dressed. 

Kakuzu had brought him his favorite faded and well worn black t-shirt that had a small gray heart neatly stitched onto the bottom hem where a hole had started months ago. Without being asked, Kakuzu had mended the hole and Hidan had mumbled something about it not being necessary but had very obviously been grateful for it. For bottoms, Kakuzu had chosen a pair of comfortable jeans, also well-lived in and one of Hidan’s favorites to wear when he wasn't trying to impress anyone and just wanted to be comfortable. 

When Hidan took his clothes and went to get changed in the bathroom for privacy, that made Kakuzu nervous about going home together. Hidan had never cared much about privacy before, only when he was uncomfortable, or not feeling well. Kakuzu hoped he wasn't making Hidan uncomfortable but knew he likely was, and tried not to let it get to him like everything else. Either way, it was nice to see Hidan in something other than a hospital gown when he stepped back into the room. It somehow felt like progress, even if none had actually been made. 

A fact that was made clear once more as they were leaving, being escorted by one of the nurses as was hospital policy, and Hidan remarked to no one in particular, “They just let anyone take patients home, don’t they? Must be how strays feel getting adopted from the pound.” 

Instead of feeling dejected or hurt, this time, Kakuzu only felt angry, and, unable to hold his tongue, snapped, “You know I’m not just anyone off the street! And you're not stray. The pictures and certain private videos you’ve been looking at on your phone prove as much.”

The blonde nurse escorting them out raised a brow at that and hid a laugh behind a cough but said nothing about it as she walked with them to Kakuzu’s car he had brought around to the patient pick up zone in front of the hospital. While Hidan took his time getting into the passenger seat, Kakuzu tossed Hidan's bag of clothes and things into the trunk and slammed it shut. 

“Don’t you dare ask me if I suddenly remember,” Hidan said as he followed Kakuzu up to the front door after a tense and silent car ride that had made Hidan nervous the entire time. “I’m so fucking sick and tired of being asked if I’ve remembered anything yet by you, by the doctor and by each and every single one of the nurses. If this shit or that shit looks familiar.” His voice rose with every word. “Oh! I bet these clothes are supposed to be familiar right? Lemme guess,” he sneered, “my fucking favorites?”

After a moment, Kakuzu sighed. “Yes, Hidan.” It wouldn’t have suited Hidan to accept everything without a fight, and Kakuzu decided he had best prepare himself for fights over anything and everything, including clothes apparently. “That was your favorite shirt, and those were your favorite jeans.”

“Hah! They’re so worn out, for all I know, you could’ve grabbed something from a thrift store from someone’s grandpa who just died and I wouldn’t know the difference! You could’ve dressed me up in a striped suit and told me it was my favorite outfit, or that I have a bunch of kids and I work for the fucking circus! Not as if I’d know what’s true or not!” Hidan’s breathing was hard as he stopped shouting on the front porch. 

Kakuzu was grateful none of the neighbors were out, but he was sure they could hear all the yelling anyways. It wasn’t as if they'd never fought in the front yard before, but Kakuzu would rather not do so now. 

Hidan took a shaky breath. “Just… let me be for a bit, alright? Let me just…walk around and check things out on my own.” 

“Alright, I will, but first I want you to know that I would never lie to you and make up a life that wasn’t yours. And aside from working for a circus, which you don’t but certainly could, you couldn’t be farther from the truth on everything else. No kids. You hate wearing stripes and suits, and ties make you feel like you're choking.” 

Kakuzu reminded himself, for what felt like the millionth time, to be patient, and that none of this was easy for Hidan, being sent home to a place that he couldn’t remember living in, with someone he couldn't remember either but who he very obviously had a life with. It was all so fucked up, and Kakuzu hoped the person who had hit Hidan would be caught but there were no leads, nothing. 

Kakuzu hesitated before opening the door and glanced at Hidan from the corner of his eye. Did they even have a life together anymore? That was… something that was going to come up sooner or later and he hoped it would be later, or preferably never. Just go on pretending things between them hadn’t changed but that wasn’t fair at all, not to either of them. Unless Hidan suddenly regained his memory in the next few days, Kakuzu knew it was going to have to be discussed sooner. There was no way Hidan was going to be forced into a role in a life that was no longer his own.

Hidan nodded, unaware of Kakuzu's thoughts. “Yeah. You can like, come with me I guess but I don’t want a fucking tour! Just let me check things out on my own.”

Finally opening the door, Kakuzu let Hidan go inside first and then followed, closing the door behind himself and flipped on the lights. He watched as Hidan looked around from the entryway. 

It was nothing fancy, a modest two bedroom one and a half bathroom house that the only work they had done on was to repaint the inside of, but it was tidy, and cozy and together they had made it home. 

“Damn… I really live here?” 

“You really live here, yes.” Kakuzu then added, “We bought it together about a year ago.”

“I own this? Like… it’s half mine? You’re not shitting me?” Hidan peered into the kitchen before turning his gaze to Kakuzu, waiting for confirmation that yes, he really does own it.

“No, I’m not shitting you, Hidan. It really is half yours, but we don’t draw a line down the center.” Maybe they would now though.

Whirling around and almost angry, Hidan demanded, “Are we… are we married and you didn’t tell me?!”

“Calm down. I think I would have told you that by now. But no, we’re not married. You once told me you weren’t the type to get married.” Kakuzu decided to leave out that Hidan had also once told him he considered them as good as married, that he wasn’t going anywhere and didn’t need a ring or a ceremony to prove it. It just didn’t seem like the best time to bring all that up when Kakuzu wasn’t sure where they even stood with each other anymore. 

“But it seems I’m the type to buy property with you…” Hidan said quietly, contemplatively, as he looked at Kakuzu with a guarded expression. A rare look for Hidan, but Kakuzu knew it meant he was thinking deeply about something. Their relationship most likely. And then Hidan walked into the kitchen. “I kinda remember the house I grew up in… and if I’m right about it, this is a huge upgrade.”

Having been there once, and only once, with Hidan to help him get some of his stuff, Kakuzu figured he was most likely remembering right. It wasn't what Kakuzu would have called a home, and had been glad to get out of there.

“Hell yeah, I get to eat good food instead of that bland hospital crap.” Hidan straight for the refrigerator to look for something to eat only to make a face and slam it shut. “Ugh… I know you’ve been at the hospital with me a lot, but uh, it smells like something died in there.”

“What?” Kakuzu hadn’t eaten at home much over the last couple of weeks and he hadn’t even gone shopping for anything he couldn’t heat up and eat that night for dinner after being with Hidan all day. If anything was in there… “Dammit!” He opened the refrigerator as Hidan backed away and took out the boxes of take out that had been sitting in there since the night of Hidan’s accident as if still waiting for him to come home.

Without even thinking about it, Kakuzu said, “Get me a trash bag.” 

Hidan turned around to get a trash bag but froze, looking at all the cabinets and drawers in confusion. Kakuzu realized his mistake too late and cursed under his breath. Of course he didn’t know where they kept the trash bags, Kakuzu felt terrible for asking as if he did. 

“Under the sink.” Kakuzu motioned toward the cabinet with his hand full of the boxes of rotting take out, but it was too late.

“Fuck you. Get it yourself!” Hidan snarled and then turned on his heel and left but he stopped suddenly by the dining table. On one of the chairs, Kakuzu had set Hidan's helmet after coming back from the hospital several nights earlier. It was badly scuffed, the black paint having been scraped away by the impact. Hidan's hand hovered over it, trembling, and looked over at Kakuzu, and demanded, “Why're you keeping this in here?! Get it out!” He was gone before Kakuzu could say a word.

Kakuzu really couldn’t fault Hidan for getting pissed off with him. He had asked for the trash bag simply out of habit. And the helmet, Kakuzu should have moved it, it shouldn't have been left out there like that to surprise Hidan out of nowhere. Kakuzu hated to see it, himself, and he hadn't even been the one wearing it.

While Kakuzu cleaned up the rotting food and anything else that had gone bad in the fridge, the sound of cupboards and doors being opened and slammed shut could be heard throughout the house as Hidan presumably took himself on a tour of where he lived and what he owned. Once the trash was taken out, Kakuzu picked up the helmet and put it on the floor in the closet by the front door, then shoved it to the very back and covered it with an old coat no one wore.

Once things had quieted down, Kakuzu found Hidan lying stretched out on his side on the couch while looking at his phone. It looked like it should be at least a little uncomfortable, what with his arm still in a cast and having cracked ribs, but Kakuzu wasn’t about to say anything. The hospital bed hadn’t allowed Hidan too many different positions to lay or sleep in, and Kakuzu figured Hidan liked the different options he now had. 

“I’m sorry for earlier,” Kakuzu said after clearing his throat. Not waiting for Hidan to look up at him, he went on, “I want you to know that I didn’t forget, it just came out. Habit I guess. But I’ll do better. And your helmet... I wasn’t thinking when I left it there. I’m sorry.”

Hidan simply shrugged and continued to stare at something on his phone with an increasingly irritated look on his face. With the way the phone was angled, Kakuzu couldn’t see the screen but he wished he could. 

“I heard you,” Hidan said, finally looking up. “Looking at pictures. Again. I have a lot of shit on here.” 

“Yeah, you do.” Kakuzu already knew that though. How many times had he tried to tell Hidan to clear all those pictures off and put them onto a computer, or what was it now people used? Cloud storage? It turned out for the best that Hidan hadn’t listened to him. Going through the pictures seemed to keep his attention and seemed to give him some sort of comfort, at least until he ended up too frustrated by not being able to remember anything and tossed his phone away as he did just then.

“Watch it! I just got that screen fixed for you a couple of days ago and it wasn’t cheap.” Kakuzu went and grabbed the phone from the floor, thankful they never took out the carpet like they had talked about doing at one point.

Watching as he laid there, Kakuzu could almost pretend everything was back to normal. But it wasn’t, and probably never was going to be again.

“So uh,” Hidan rolled onto his back with a grunt and looked up at Kakuzu with his hand outstretched to take his phone back, “I think I know the answer but…we have dogs?” 

He had sounded almost hopeful, the way he asked, and Kakuzu swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in his throat. 

So that was what Hidan had been looking at, pictures of the dogs. Hidan had absolutely adored them, had told him he always wanted a dog but his father never let him have any type of pet and according to Hidan, he had once told him the roaches were his pets. Kakuzu had always wanted to punch that man in his face. He never got the chance, never having met him, as Hidan had never let Kakuzu meet him.

Each of the dogs had taken a liking to Hidan right away, something they had never done with anyone else Kakuzu had brought around, and quickly bonded with him. That was when Kakuzu knew Hidan was the one for him, though it took a while before they got together.

“They were,” Kakuzu cleared his throat and swallowed his emotions. “They were already getting old when we met and…”

Hidan’s eyes watered. “Oh.”

“It was almost two years ago now,” Kakuzu explained. “You took it pretty hard when we had to—”

Hidan cut him off, blinking back tears as he looked away. “Stop. I get it. I saw some pictures and wanted to know. I thought– hoped that maybe you just had them somewhere else right now.”

Kakuzu shook his head. “I didn’t know you still had pictures of them on your phone…” 

“I found an album for favorites. Hey, one more question. Nothing fucking depressing, don’t worry,” Hidan said. “But… how are we going to figure out who sleeps where? I uh, didn’t see an extra bedroom. I mean. I saw what could be one but it looks like an office.”

Not depressing? Kakuzu would like to argue that it was quite depressing. He really hadn’t liked sleeping alone the last several weeks. Where they would be sleeping now that Hidan was home was something Kakuzu had both already thought about and didn’t like the options for because it was quite clear Hidan was not willing or wanting to share a bed with him. Not yet anyways, and Kakuzu wondered if he ought to try and make Hidan fall for him again but that just didn't seem right, not so soon after everything.

Oblivious to his thoughts, Hidan went on in a playful tone, “Oh, I bet you’re a gentleman, aren’t you? And you’re gonna let me sleep in the bedroom, right?”

Was Hidan actually smiling? Yes, Kakuzu thought as he tilted his head to the side, he was. Kakuzu had very much missed seeing him smile, and hearing his laugh for that matter.

“You think I'm a gentleman, do you?” Kakuzu asked darkly. “Care to tell what gave you that impression? Because I know it couldn’t have been the sex videos of the two of us on your phone. You have watched them, and more than once, haven’t you?”

Hidan choked on his own saliva, or forgot how to breathe. 

“Sit up, don’t make me have to call you an ambulance so soon.” Kakuzu sighed as Hidan got himself upright. 

“Well, you know…I had to watch them again with the screen fixed,” Hidan admitted with a sheepish look. “And yeah, I can actually tell, but not just from those, from the fact you came and sat with me everyday and have put up with my shit since I woke up, that you are a gentleman. How many people would do that for someone else?”

Kakuzu looked away, feeling his face heat up. “Well… as for sleeping arrangements…” Kakuzu would much prefer to sleep in his bed, with Hidan, but that could get awkward and Hidan would never go for it. He wouldn't force it. “One of us can sleep out here on the couch.”

“Right but… which one? I’m the one who just got out of the hospital and is actually injured. Shouldn’t I get the bed?”

It was so very much like the old Hidan, trying to snag the bed for himself, that Kakuzu easily gave in. Something about being called a gentleman might have had something to do with it as well, and he supposed he could be one, once in a while and only towards certain people.

“Fine. You can take the bed for now. But I’m not planning to sleep out here forever.”

Why hadn’t they ever set up a proper guest room? Kakuzu had a feeling they were going to have to… 

It turned out they wouldn’t have to worry about where they would be sleeping that night, as Hidan fell asleep on the couch shortly after dinner. He hadn’t eaten much and mostly picked at his food, but it was enough to take his medication with and so Kakuzu didn’t push for him to eat more. It would only cause another argument. The day had already had enough ups and downs as it was, he wasn't about to add to it. 

Trying his best not to wake Hidan, Kakuzu very carefully lifted his head to tuck his pillow under it, and then got one of the soft, fleece blankets from the hall closet and draped it over him, then added a throw to his lower half, just in case he got cold during the night. Hidan looked more peaceful there on their couch than he ever had in the hospital bed, and Kakuzu sat out in the living room with him in case he woke up before Kakuzu went to bed.

When it was almost ten, and Kakuzu couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer, and Hidan still hadn’t woken up, he quietly got up from where he had been sitting in his recliner with a book that he was finally able to concentrate on enough to actually read, and made his way to the bedroom. 

Not before checking on Hidan one last time, though, and finally giving in to the urge to reach down and run his fingers through soft, silver hair. 

As Hidan sighed in his sleep and leaned into the touch, Kakuzu froze, afraid he had woken him but it was clear he hadn’t, Kakuzu let his fingers linger a few moments longer. 

It was the first time Kakuzu had touched Hidan since he woke up, and something told him it might be the last.

“You’re lucky to be alive!” Kakuzu hadn’t meant to shout, and didn’t even know how the argument started this time, but he was just so frustrated with the whole situation, tired of sleeping on the couch—his back was stiff and sore from doing so—and knew he would have to set up that guest room soon. Hidan wanted nothing at all to do with sharing a bed with him, not that he could blame him, but Kakuzu was deeply missing his partner.

He wanted Hidan the way he was before the accident back, and he knew he was never getting that version of him again. 

“Am I?!” Hidan shot back, kicking Kakuzu’s pillow and neatly folded blankets off the end of the bed into a heap on the floor. 

“What are you talking about?” Kakuzu scoffed. “Of course you are.”

“Really? I’m lucky to be alive?” Before Kakuzu could even open his mouth to say anything, Hidan went on. “Not from where I’m standing I’m not! I can’t hardly remember anything from before, nothing that actually fucking matters! I don’t know jack shit about myself! I don’t remember us! I can look at pictures and videos all goddamn day and be told this or that by you or by people who are supposedly my friends but it’s like looking at and hearing about someone else's life! I can’t even remember words sometimes! I wish…!” Hidan broke off with a sob stuck in his throat.

Kakuzu’s heart sank. He already knew exactly what Hidan was about to say.

Once he was able to speak again, Hidan said, “I wish I had died. It would have been kinder.” 

“Hidan, don’t—”

Hidan cut Kakuzu off as he got out of bed and shoved past him. “Don’t ‘Hidan don’t’ me!” 

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t fucking know but I need to get out of here,” Hidan paused at the dresser so he could grab his wallet that didn’t hold much more than a small amount of cash, his I.D, and their address neatly written on a little piece of paper so he wouldn’t get lost, and shoved it into his pocket. “And I need to get away from you!” 

Kakuzu scrambled for something to say to make him stay. “Dressed like that?” He asked, motioning towards Hidan. “In your pajamas? Without even a shirt on? Going to wear your slippers, too?” It did the trick and got Hidan to pause. “You have an appointment later today, too.”

As Hidan turned back to look at Kakuzu his gaze landed instead on the little altar he had dedicated to Jashin on top of the dresser. It had gone ignored, forgotten about like everything else since Hidan had been home. Kakuzu actually missed seeing him add offerings to it, or light candles and incense on it. Missed watching him meditate.

He recalled he hadn’t wanted it in the bedroom at first, told Hidan to put it in the office in a corner but had come to appreciate the dedication Hidan showed to his god and his faith. And in that moment, there was some small bit of recognition in Hidan’s eyes, and Kakuzu hoped Hidan could grab onto it and remember something worth remembering.

“Don’t go,” Kakuzu practically begged. “I’ll go out, let you have the house to yourself for the rest of the day. You can go by yourself to your appointment, get yourself an uber, whatever but please, Hidan… don’t leave.” 

Eyes still glued to the altar Hidan asked, “You ever forget what you want to say, but it’s right there? You can almost remember it, you’re just about to say it, but you just can’t no matter what? It’s just out of your reach?”

“Yes.” But he knew it wasn’t the same as forgetting everything.

Hidan had used to tease him, tell him he was getting old and it was a sign of dementia and in turn he would tease Hidan right back about being attracted to old men. Kakuzu never thought he would miss that.

“That’s how I feel everytime I look at this…” Hidan reached out and picked up the rosary from the altar, ran the crystal beads through his fingers like he used to but his lips didn’t move in silent prayer the way he used to do, and he just looked so lost and confused. “I feel like that sometimes when I’ve looked at you, too.”

“You do?” Kakuzu had no idea, that was the first time Hidan mentioned it.

Hidan nodded and finally met Kakuzu’s eyes. “And I hate it. So fucking much! I just want my life back! And I bet you wanted me to just… accept that this is my life, that we’re already together, and all that shit. And you think we can make new memories or some other sappy bullshit and everything will be fucking fine but…I can’t. I can’t do that!”

“Hidan, what are you saying?” Kakuzu asked, feeling like his heart was breaking. Of course it’s what he wanted, but he would never force Hidan into a relationship or anything he didn’t want, and besides that, Hidan would never simply go along with it. 

“I need… some space, Kakuzu. I need,” Hidan gripped his rosary so tightly Kakuzu thought it might break or cut him, “to figure things out on my own, try and maybe… Dammit!” Hidan dropped his rosary and pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes with a frustrated noise. 

Kakuzu recognized that Hidan couldn’t recall the words he wanted, it happened more often than either of them liked. 

“Look, I can’t say I’m not attracted to you. I am, and I feel safe around you. So obviously my body remembers things that my damn fucked up mind can’t. I see how much you care for me, but… I gotta deal with this first, and actually come to terms with it, you know? Before anything else.” Hidan’s shoulders sagged. 

“I get it, and I respect that it’s your decision,” Kakuzu cleared his throat. He didn’t like that was what Hidan decided, but he knew he had to accept it and had to respect it if he ever wanted a chance with him again.

There was no easy fix for the situation they had suddenly found themselves thrown into. Pictures and videos could only go so far. After Hidan had admitted he felt weird looking at them and had moved them into cloud storage off his phone a few days ago, Kakuzu had known that this conversation was inevitable. 

“You can stay here. You know that, right? This is still your home. You can have the bedroom. I'll get the guest room set up in a day or two and move my things in there.”

Hidan nodded as he chewed his bottom lip, “Gonna be honest. I don’t know for how long I’ll stay. Like I said, I need space to figure this all out. It’s not fair to you that I’m always around and relying on you for rides and shit, while you just want your boyfriend back but that guy’s gone and I’m totally fucked in the head.”

Voice thick and gruff, Kakuzu said, “You were already pretty fucked in the head before any of this. And for what it's worth, I don't just want my boyfriend back.”

There was a silence, and Kakuzu broke it first before it got to be too awkward. “I mean it when I say you can stay as long as you want and need. This place is as much yours as it is mine.”

“Yeah, I get it. It's not like I can go anywhere anytime soon. I just…I don’t want this expectation of things going back to exactly the way they were before. Maybe when things are better we can try like, dating or something, but not now. And even then, there's no guarantee. It probably won't even be the same, you know?”

That at least gave Kakuzu some bit of hope that he would be able to make Hidan fall for him again.

“And with some space, I think it'll be easier for me. For you, too.”

He was right, Kakuzu thought. It would be easier for him not having Hidan around all the time, unable to touch or be together the way they used to be. He would wait until Hidan was ready. It happened before, when they first met he had very much wanted to be with Hidan but the timing was all wrong. Kakuzu had just gotten out of a long term relationship and Hidan was tangled up with an older man. 

Kakuzu could wait. He'd wait as long as he had to. There was no way he was giving up on Hidan.