Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Before I start this fic, I want to give my thanks to the GreatChickenMiasma. Her story What Goes On is what inspired me to make crack fics. Go and check it out for yourself!

The Normals

by HyperInuyasha

Falco arose from his bed, stretching his ar- er... wings. What time is it? Coffee time. Everyone loves coffee. Especially birds. And I totally got that off of Wikipedia. Honest. He got out of bed, leaving the StarFox dorm. On the way there, he passed Fox and Wolf. Fox was holding a gooey bomb. This won't end well.

"Hey Falco! Wolf bet me a quarter I couldn't eat a Gooey Bomb!" said Fox.

"Uh huh, you do that." muttered Falco, not caring. He had been staying at the Smash Castle for a long time and one thing quicky became apparant; everyone was batshit crazy. Only a few people, Falco among them, were normal and perfectly sane.

Mario acted sane, but he's a bit of a pyromaniac, along with anyone else who grabs a Fire Flower. Donkey Kong... um... he's an ape. He can be excused. Link was affected by a horrible mental disease: Gamer's OCD. Whenever he saw a blade of grass or a pot or anything that could hold his precious rupees, he would break them, all the while laughing maniacily. Samus had a temper and would blast apart the thing that made her unhappy, Yoshi was a glutton and so was Kirby, Fox believes in miracles and was pretty much an idiot. If someone did something to Pikachu, he would get them back in the most disproportinate manner. Luigi's scared of everything, Captain Falcon is pretty much just crazy, Ness also had a temper, and Jigglypuff always singed and drew marker on people's faces. And that's just the first eight of the Smashers.

Bowser was a villain and was already dubbed insane, Peach had an unhealthy obsession with tea, Zelda was constantly at war with her split personality Shiek, the Ice Climbers, despite being Ness and Lucas' age, were very childish and would go to dangerous places FOR ADVENTURE, Marth was obsessed with his looks, Mr. Game and Watch... no one's sure about him actually, and Ganondorf was insane FOR POWER. Oh yeah, and that's just the Melee characters. The Melee exclusive characters in the meantime had already gone insane, and it was clear to anyone with a brain.

Diddy Kong was a mad scientist who built stuff out of wood. Sometimes he would actually succeed (his jetpack and guns) but most of the time, his work has nothing to show for other than a flaming house. Ike liked to shine his sword a lot, Lucas seemed normal, but considering his past, it's not hard to imagine that he would one day snap from all of the trauma. Captain Olimar has become over-protective of his Pikmin (you could blame Captain Falcon for that), Pit would try to strangle people that did bad stuff and didn't say sorry, Red (Pokemon Trainer) is obssessed with battling and sics his Pokemon on people for no reason, R.O.B. was a robot and didn't count, Snake was paranoid and loved his box, Sonic's ego had developed it's own split-personality, Toon Link's OCD wasn't as bad but he's a cartoon so he's pretty wacky, Wario was already a weirdo, and Wolf was pretty much just crazy. All of this combined made one mad house that blows up at least once a week.

Then there were the normal people. The ones who don't have mental problems. Falco was among them of course. There was King Dedede. He acts like a jerk, but secretly, he wants friends to spend time with. He's also a bit of a spazz. Then there's Meta Knight, who had been keeping his sanity in check since the 1980s or whenever Kirby Adventure released. Lastly was Lucario, who was usually peaceful and very observant. They have all banded together to survive the madness that besieged everyone else. They became known to everyone as The Normals, the last remaining sane people in the castle.

Falco left the dorm. Upon closing the door, he heard an explosion along with Wolf's laughing. He looked down both ends of the hallways. Alright, no one coming. Lets just...

"GET OUT OF THE WAY LOSER!" yelled Wario, driving past him on his bike while holding a sack full of hats. A second later, Charizard passed him, with Red, Mario, Luigi, Ness, Link, and Toon Link on his back.

"GIVE BACK OUR-A HATS!" yelled Mario.

"YOU DESERVE DEATH! DEEEEEEATH!" shouted Ness.

"Why are you all so damn heavy..." groaned Charizard. Falco looked around to make sure no more antics were happening and sped off in the direction of the dining room. The food was arranged buffet style, so the Smashers could just grab whatever they wanted to eat and dig in. Falco waited patiently in line for the Primid chefs to be done making waffles. Meta Knight came alongside him.

"Greetings Falco." greeted (obviously) Meta Knight.

"Hey. Have you seen Snake? He borrowed my DS and I want it-" began Falco.

"I DON'T HAVE IT!" yelled Snake. He got out from under his box and took that thing he uses to fly and hovers upward. However, he forgot that he was inside and crashed into the ceiling, falling down face first. "...Don't help me, I don't need your sympathy!"

"...I'll get it back later." muttered Falco. The Primids finally served the waffles, satisfying both the bird and swordsman. They went to sit down in their designated table. Usually, people would just sit in any random place, but groups of people have established their own table to rule over. The Normals had their own table. Sitting a distance away was the kid's table, then there was the table that ws jokingly named Yaoi Table since Link, Marth, Roy, Pit, and Ike sat there. Last in the list of pre-established seating was the girls. Just like The Normals, they have banded together, butIN THE NAME OF BEAUTY. Except Samus. She's honestly not sure why she sits with them all of the time. All of the other Smashers just sat elsewhere so they could eat their food in peace. Except there's never peace. There is only war. King Dedede and Lucario arrived, sitting alongside their friends.

"Hey you guys! Did you know that Zelda Four Swords is out now?" asked Dedede.

"Oh, it released already?" asked Falco.

"Yeah! How about we all go adventuring together? Huh? How does that sound? ...Please?" asked Dedede.

"Snake stole my DS." said Falco, looking over to the downed man.

"I do not pursue my time over frivilous games." muttered Lucario.

"You just want someone to play with, don't you?" asked Meta Knight.

"Sniff... Yeah..." said Dedede, breaking into a sob. "You're always doing important things, and Kirby just ditches me for other people. I'm... sniff... lonely..." cried Dedede. Meta Knight awkwardly put his arm around the fat penguin.

"There there. We'll all play together when we have the time." said Meta Knight.

"Really?" asked Dedede.

"Yes."

"Dedede, when you're not acting like a total douche you're a lonely crybaby. Why don't you grow a backbone or something?" asked Falco.

"I did! I'm just so husky that you can't feel it!" said Dedede proudly.

Lucario sweatdropped. "I think that was an expression." He then noticed something. "Falco, where's your coffee?"

"Huh?"

"You always get coffee in the morning. Yet I notice a lack of hot scalding liquids." said Lucario.

"Damn it, you're right. Hey, anyone else need anything?" asked Falco.

"Get me some hash browns. Go forth my servant!" commanded Dedede.

"Don't push it." muttered Falco. He went over to a random Primid. "Hey, where's the coffee?"

"Sorry sir, but we have no coffee." said the Primid.

"What? Why the hell not?"

"COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE..." yelled a hyperactive voice.

"That." said the Primid. He quickly hid under a table. "You should hide." Before Falco could question it, a blur ran toward Falco; it was Kirby, who had most likely depleted the stores of coffee. Acting as if Falco was never there, Kirby ran through Falco, knocking him over. He ran straight into Captain Falcon's table, up-ending it and sending the captain's food flying. Falcon let out a war cry and chased down the hyper blob. Falco went back to The Normals.

"I presume that there is no coffee?" said Meta Knight, looking utterly bemused.

"Yup."

"FALCON... PUNCH!" yelled Captain Falcon. Kirby flew into Falco's head, smashing him into the table.

"My face..." moaned Falco. King Dedede laughed at his misfortune.

"This is rich... Hey shouldn't you be stopping that Kirby or something?" Dedede asked Meta Knight.

"Why? I'm not his keeper."

"Yeah, but someone responsible has to stop that guy, and I can't do it because I'm a king." said Dedede. They all just sat there, waiting to see if anyone was going to get up and stop Kirby, who was currently punching Donkey Kong. But no one got up. In fact, they couldn't care less. Lucario sighed, getting up.

"I'll try to stop him in the name of peace." said Lucario. He approached Kirby slowly. "Psst... Kirby."

"Coffee?"

"Yes, I have coffee. Just get close enough so I could hi- I mean give it to you." said Lucario. Kirby slowly inched forward to him. Lucario could not believe that this is actually working. But then...

"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" yelled Wario. He ran over Lucario as the no longer hatted heroes continued to chase him. Meta Knight looked at the squished blue pancake that is Lucario.

"Are you okay?" asked Meta Knight.

"Pain."

"I still can't feel my face guys..." muttered Falco, who's head was still lying on the table.

"Holy crap, two of us already injured, and it's still breakfast!" noted Dedede. He widened his eyes. "Oh god I'm next."

"Your majesty, I find that ridiculous." said Meta Knight. Then an explosion happened. They don't know the cause of it. They don't want to know. King Dedede fell out of his chair as a flying fork jabbed him in the head.

"OH GOD I'M BLEEDING!" screamed Dedede.

"Face... still... hurt..." muttered Falco.

"Skid marks... my skin... no longer blue..." moaned Lucario.

"Don't worry guys, I'll try to get a doctor in here." said Meta Knight.

"DID ANYONE SAY DOCTOR?" yelled Dr. Mario, coming into the scene.

"I said doctor, not mad scientist."

"Hey, that was just ONE time I replaced Dedede's arm with a laser cannon!" yelled Dr. Mario.

"It was awesome while it lasted." said Dedede.

"Sorry Dr. Mario, but I'm going to need a NORMAL doctor." said Meta Knight.

"Pfft. Since when was anyone here normal?" asked Dr. Mario. Meta Knight looked throughout the dining room. Samus was shooting at everyone who came near her, Kirby continued to run amuck, Wario somehow made skid marks on the ceiling as Charizard and the hatless heroes continued to chase him, the children have gotten into a food fight, and Bowser was for some reason setting stuff on fire. Meanwhile, most of the normal people were incapacitated, and any order that still remained had went flying out the window. Meta Knight realized: Dr. Mario is right.

And to think that it's still 9:00 in the morning.

"You forgot my hash browns..." said Dedede.

To be continued...

Remember kids: crack fics are the best fics!

Chapter Text

ARC 1: LUNCHTIME SHOPPING - PART 1

ROB, in his Ancient Minister garb, strolled into his office, playing a music disc that had humming noises on it. Oh how he loved his office. It was the only place in the castle that was safe from the madness that plauged everything else. What a nice day. Other than the 'Kirby hopped up on coffee' incident this morning, nothing bad happened. And of course when nothing bad happens, something bad will happen soon, and 'soon' is approximately right now.

"Sir! Sir!" screamed a Primid, running into the office. "It's terrible!"

"WHAT? SOMEONE REVIVED TABUU?"

"No!"

"ONE OR MORE OF THE SMASHERS HAS FINALLY SNAPPED AND IS CURRENTLY ON A RAMPAGE?"

"No! We're out of food sir!" said the Primid. ROB eased a bit.

"IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A PROBLEM. JUST GET SOME FOOD THAT WE PUT IN STORAGE."

"There is no food in storage either! Kirby found it and..." said Primid. Dread seized ROB's heart. Or... sensors. Yeah, emotion sensors. With no food, there will be nothing for lunch, which would cause all of the Smashers to go nuts. He needs to go shop for more food within two hours before the castle becomes a smoking crater. However, the Primids and ROB were banned from Wal-Mart, which was their main supplier, so the Smashers had to go buy the food. Usually when a Smasher goes shopping, things don't turn out as expected. For example, when it was Peach's turn to go shopping, she only bought vegetables, which caused a riot amongst all of the meat lovers.

ROB looked at the chore schedule to see who's turn it is to go shopping and sighed with relief. It was The Normals turn to go shopping. As weird as they may be, they're the sanest of all of the Smashers and were least likely to screw up.

"GO GATHER THEM." commanded ROB.

"Whose them?"

"THE NORMAL ONES."

"That was an eventful morning." grumbled Lucario. After one short visit to the infirmiry, everyone was healed and perfectly okay.

"Yeah, but look at it this way! Nothing else can go wrong!" said King Dedede. Suddenly, a group of Primids ran in, weilding Beam Swords and Super Scopes, surrounding the small group of Smashers. Falco began smacking Dedede in the face.

"NEVER. SAY. NOTHING. CAN. GO. WRONG!" yelled Falco, delivering one final slap.

"Ouch. Well I'm sorry, but I don't go on TV Tropes!" yelled Dedede. Meta Knight and Lucario surveyed the Primids.

"Why are you pointing weapons at us?" asked Meta Knight.

"The Ancient Minister requests you to undergo an important task! Failure to accept will result in execution and extra pummeling!" yelled one of the Primids.

"...Isn't that a bit harsh?" asked Lucario.

"No. No it isn't. This is the most important of tasks, so our threats would be justified! Your quest shall be... GOING TO WAL-MART AND BUYING NEW FOOD!" All four Smashers gasped. Shopping was the most hardest chore in the entire castle. They would rather go feed the Pokemon.

"Do we have to?" grumbled Dedede. The Primids carrying Super Scopes fired into the air, reminding them that they have no choice in the matter. "Alright alright sheesh."

"Excellent. To aid you in your quest, you shall recieve... THE SMASH BROTHERS CREDIT CARD!" The Primid shoved a gold credit card in the air, allowing everyone to bask in it's glory as the other Primids sang an angelic choir. The Smash Brothers Credit Card had unlimited funds on it. Anyone that had their hands on it would be able to buy everything in the universe if they wished. Falco snatched it greedily and so the Primid added, "Don't get greedy. Buy food and ONLY FOOD." Then the Primids disappearing into puffs of smoke. Like ninjas. Only smarter.

"I could buy a new arwing with this thing..." said Falco. Lucario snatched it from his hands. "Hey! What's the big idea?"

"The card should be in my possession. I am the most responsible of you guys after all." said Lucario. Meta Knight scowled. Then again, who would know if he scowled?

"Actually that would fall into my jurdistriction. I'll be taking that." said Meta Knight, taking the card from Lucario's hands.

"Give that back." Lucario grabbed it.

"Give me the card back."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO!"

"Yes."

"ENOUGH!" screamed Falco. Meta Knight and Lucario stopped fighting over the credit card. "You two are acting like brats! Just leave it with Lucario!" Meta Knight grudgingly gave the credit card back to Lucario. Even an honorable knight like Meta Knight would be entranced by the card's power.

"Alright. Let's just get this over with." said Dedede. The Normals walked to the castle's main hall and was prepared to leave through the grand front door, which was a huge door that was made out of gilded doorknobs. It was a security defense apparantly. If an intruder wanted to break in, they would have to find the real doorknob. ...Yeah, don't blame the Anicent Minister or Master Hand for this. Crazy Hand was the one who designed the door. He calls the door a fine masterpiece. If you think about it, it could really be considered a masterpiece. The doorknobs gleam in the sunlight and... "HEY! STOP TALKING ABOUT DOORS!"

Gaaaaaaasp. You're breaking the fourth wall!

"So are you. Plus you had no problem with it in your other stories." pointed out Lucario.

Shut up you... dog... thing. Oh hey look it's Pikachu.

"What's up morons? Where are you going?" asked Pikachu.

"We're going to go shopping." said Lucario, pulling out the Smash Brothers Credit Card. It was a big mistake.

"HEY GUYS! FALCO, META KNIGHT, LUCARIO, AND DEDEDE'S GOING SHOPPING!" screamed Pikachu. Suddenly, the ceiling collapsed as every Smasher broke through it. Before the heroes knew it, they were surrounded. Some people requested them to buy a certain food for them, some trying to grab the credit card from Lucario's hands, while some just stared at the card as if it was the most beautiful thing in the world.

"I WANT CANDY!"

"SCREW THE FOOD JUST GIVE ME THE CARD!"

"WHY NOT BOTH?"

"WE NEED BANANAS!"

"MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND; JUST LIKE YOUR HEAD IF YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO ME!"

"IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!"

"MY EYES! IT'S BURNING MY EYES!"

"God damn it." was all Dedede could think to say. He brandished his giant mallet, threatening the horde. "Back! Get back!"

"No! You infidels are not getting this card!" yelled Lucario. Forming aura in his hands, he began punching any Smasher that dare came near him. The other guys began to fight back as well, but unfortunately, this was all too much for them. Suddenly, Falco hatched (Get it? Because he's a bird and aw forget it...) a brilliant plan. He stealthily crouched down and crawled away from the fighting.

"Falco! Where are you going?" yelled Meta Knight.

"I have an idea!" yelled Falco, running off. With one less fighter, it seems that all hope would be lost. Our heroes will never go to Wal-Mart, Smash Castle would plunge into chaos, and of course everyone would have to go without lunch and maybe dinner, which would be even worse. All seemed bleak... until Falco rolled in inside the Landmaster, running down all of the Smashers except for the rest of the crew. "Quick! Get in!"

"Good thinking Fox." commended Meta Knight.

"...I'm not Fox."

"Oh sorry. Force of habit." said Meta Knight. As they entered the Landmaster, the rabid Smashers regained their senses. With mighty roars and death threats, they jump onto the Landmaster and began to beat it to death. I'm not sure how you beat a tank to death, but that's what they were doing. THe Landmaster preformed a barrel roll, sending Smashers flying and crushing anyone unfortunate enough to be standing right next to the Landmaster. Falco then said, "Screw the door," and drove through it, leaving a tank shaped hole and injured Smashers in it's wake.

Meanwhile the Ancient Minister watched the pandemonium from his office, which offered a great view of the castle's courtyard. He shook his head. He hoped that what just took place in the courtyard will not happen in Wal-Mart.

"WAIT! COME BACK! BUY ME TEA!" screeched Peach after the Landmaster, even though she knew they were long gone. Everyone else was grumbling, stomping their feet, licking their wounds, or declared vendetta.

"Someone has to go after them." growled Bowser. Everyone suddenly shot a glance at Sonic. The hedgehog glared back at all of them.

"Oh, so what? Just because I'm fast, I have to chase them? You know what, screw you guys, I'm going back to my room." said Sonic, turning away from the others and running back to the dorms. With the obvious solution gone, everyone else started arguing on who should chase after the Normals.

"I could get them." volunteered Zelda. Suddenly, she morphed into Sheik. "No! I'll get it!"

"I-I could get it. I need sunflower seed bread." Lucas suddenly frowned, devolving into a creepy tone. "If I don't get sunflower bread, I will unleash PK Star-Shitstorm on all of you."

"Calm down." said Ness, patting Lucas on the head like a dog. "We could ask Charizard to fly over there."

"What! No! I'm fricking tired! Sonic's right! Screw you guys!" yelled Charizard, flying away. Everyone was silent.

"How about we draw straws?" offered Pit nervously.

Everyone was breathing heavily inside of the Landmaster... and no, not like that, you sick monkeys. They were relieved that they managed to escape from the scrap.

"That was completely terrifying. It was like zombies were surrounding and chasing us." said Falco, who was authentically traumatized by the event.

"We're not in the clear yet." pointed out Meta Knight.

"Yeah, we still have to do the actual shopping." said Lucario. Everyone in the Landmaster was silent.

"...Shiiiiiiit." groaned King Dedede.

To be continued...

Chapter Text

LUNCHTIME SHOPPING - PART 2

"Hello, welcome to Wal-Ma... rt..." The Wal-Mart greeter was utterly baffled by the sudden appearance of a tank. He was even more confused when a midget, a dog-thing, a fat penguin, and a bird came out of it. Ah. The troubles of being a normal human living near the establishment of insanity known as Smash Castle.

"Hello greeter-human! I hope you don't mind this, but can you pilot this tank and shoot at any suspicious person coming after us? That would be appreciated." said Lucario. Falco threw the keys to the Landmaster at the greeter as he followed his entourage into the Wal-Mart Supermarket. The greeter pinched himself repeatedly to wake himself up, but was shocked to find that he wasn't dreaming. After that however, he immediately got into their tank for two reasons: one, the customer is always right, and two, when do you get the opportunity to drive a tank?

They entered the store, briefly getting stopped by some Wal-Mart employees. All it took was to flash them with their IDs, which said they were Smashers. The Wal-Mart staff (minus the greeter, who's apparently a new guy) let them pass, as they know the Smashers too well. Meta Knight looked over the list of things to buy. "Okay, it looks like we should split up to get the job done quickly. Dedede, go get the frozens. Lucario, get fruits and veggetables. Falco, you can get drinks and grain items while I get meat. Agreed?"

"Nope." said Dedede.

"Big surprise. The king doesn't want to pull his fat, heavy weight. Alert the press." said Falco.

"That's not what I meant! You see, I have this idea..." said Dedede.

"Really? Care to share?" asked Meta Knight.

"Yes. Okay... WADDLE DEES, COME OUT, YOUR KING DEMAND IT!" yelled Dedede. Out of nowhere, a large legion of Waddles Dees appeared, enough to fill up an entire aisle. "Dees, I want you to get all the items on this list, pronto!" He held the list up high for all the Waddle Dees to read. After just twenty seconds, the Waddle Dees run off to get all the required items for the grocery trip. Dedede turned to the others, wearing a smug grin.

"...Good job Dedede." admitted Meta Knight.

"...That was lazy and completely brilliant at the same time." said Lucario.

"...Where... where do you get minions? I want minions!" yelled Falco.

Meanwhile, a helicopter was flying toward Wal-Mart. Within the helicopter was Snake, Mario and Samus, who decided to team up since they wanted the same stuff.

"So, what's-a the plan?" asked Mario.

"We break in, find the Normals, and shoot them until they give us the credit card." said Samus.

"I was thinking of something a little more... discrete. I suggest we all hide in boxes, sneak up on them, and steal the credit card while they're not paying attention. Of course, we have to do our shopping with the boxes on, but it's a price to pay for safety." suggested Snake.

"That's a stupid idea."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO ASSASSINATE ME?"

"...What made-a you think she was-a trying to assasinate-a you?" said Mario. Immediately after he said that, a large energy beam flew past them, barely missing them.

"See! She is trying to assassinate me!" yelled Snake.

"That makes no sense! For one, I'm standing right next to you!" yelled Samus.

"Then where are-a those shots coming from?" asked Mario. Snake started to lower the helicopter so they could get a better look at what's shooting at them, while avoiding more energy shots. Soon, they could perfectly see what's shooting at them: the Landmaster. The Wal-Mart greeter was having the time of his life, driving a tank and shooting at a helicopter. Snake flew out of the way, continuing to advance toward Wal-Mart.

"You two, grab some parachutes and parachute down to Wal-Mart. I'll try to distract the Landmaster. Oh yeah, and don't forget your cardboard boxes." said Snake.

Samus, who was putting on her parachute, briefly paused. "We're not doing that."

"Why not? Oh, is it because you're an assassin?"

"Just ignore him. Let's-a go!" yelled Mario, jumping out of the helicopter, Samus following shortly after.

While the Waddle Dees were doing the shopping for them, the Normals spent their time in the book/magazine section of the store. Even with all the Waddle Dees, it would still be awhile until the Waddle Dees got everything they need.

"How come all these teen magazines have Justin Bieber in them?" complained Dedede.

"...Why are you even reading those magazines?" asked Falco, who was slightly amused.

"For... the... cooking recipes?" This was the first excuse that came to mind. And it was a terrible one at that.

Suddenly, there was the sound of something breaking along with the screams of several shoppers. "What was that?" asked Meta Knight.

"I'll see with my powers..." said Lucario. He closed his eyes, drawing upon his aura-based powers. His vision shifted to the scene of the noise: Mario and Samus had just broken in through the ceiling and was currently questioning people on where they were. "Oh god no. Mario and Samus are here."

"Crap! They're going to shoot us and then set us on fire, I just know it! Dedede, when will your Waddle Dees be done?" asked Falco.

"I don't know. Hey, Dee." King Dedede called to a random passing Waddle Dee pushing a shopping cart. "When will you guys be done?"

"We're almost finished king!" answered the Waddle Dee.

"Well hurry up! We need to get out of here, pronto!" said Dedede. The Waddle Dee gave a little salute and ran off.

"Okay, so, what are we going to do? Fight them?" asked Falco.

"We can't do that. That might get us banned from the store. We just need to hide out somewhere. Preferably a place they wouldn't go to..." said Meta Knight.

"The pet section? We're hiding in the pet section?" said Falco. They were now hiding in the pet section of the store, which sold various pet food, toys, and goldfish.

"Yeah, well, neither Mario nor Samus have a pet, so it's unlikely for them to come here." said Meta Knight. In a genre blind world, this may turn out to be the case. But unfortunately, everyone in this world was genre savvy, and so, they were only slightly surprised when Mario and Samus actually showed up.

"See! I-a told you that they-a would be hiding somewhere we-a wouldn't go to!" said Mario.

Samus pointed her arm cannon at them. "So, what will it be? The credit card or your lives?"

"Or how about... fish food!" yelled Dedede. He grabbed a can of fish food, opened it up, and threw the entire contents onto Mario and Samus, who were not amused.

"...What was that supposed to accomplish?"

"Seriously, what was-a the point of... ARRGH!" screamed Mario. All of the goldfish in the nearby fish tanks suddenly flew out of their tanks and attacked Mario and Samus, biting them while trying to get their delicious food. Falco turned toward Dedede.

"Did you get that off of Family Guy?" asked Falco.

"Maybe." said Dedede.

"Alright..." Lucario was using his aura powers again. "Your Waddle Dees finished getting the stuff. We just need to pay for them and get out of here."

"Then what are we waiting for? Let's get going!" said Meta Knight.

To be continued...

Chapter Text

LUNCHTIME SHOPPING - PART 3

Our heroes ran toward the check-out, running away from Samus and Mario, who managed to break the tiny necks of the fish assaulting them. No, you're not hearing me wrong. That's precisely what happened. Samus raised her arm cannon and fired off a missile, which completely missed the group and destroyed a rack of muffins. That's when they crossed the line. How dare they hurt the innocent muffins?

"I'm sorry sirs, but you must leave. Forever." said a Wal-Mart employee.

"I'm a girl." growled Samus.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. But still, get out." Mario responded to this by punching the poor guy in the face. Meanwhile, the Normals reached the checkout lane, which was swarmed with Waddle Dees pushing shopping carts.

"Okay, we're almost in the clear! As long as the Wal-Mart employees keep distracting them, we're safe." said Meta Knight, watching as another guy went to stop the terrible team-up that is Mario and Samus.

"Right, who has the card?" asked Falco.

"I do." said Lucario. He reached into hammerspace and pulled out... his empty hand? "...Uhhh..."

"You lost it didn't you?"

"No!" defended Lucario. "I kept a tight hold on it... where...ever it was."

"It could have been stolen. It's not exactly out of the question." said Meta Knight. They looked around for anyone suspicious. However, the customers were either doing their normal behavior or were watching Mario and Samus beat the crap out of Wal-Mart employees, who were quickly losing hope of defeating them. "Do you see anything?"

"My aura vision won't let me see items clearly." said Lucario, darting his sight over everyone.

"Nothing suspicious." said Falco.

"I see a walking box." said King Dedede. That's when they noticed it; a cardboard box was walking toward the exit, hoping to get away in all of the confusion. Lucario smacked himself in the face. How he managed to miss that, he would never know. He walked up to the box and kicked it away, leaving Snake exposed.

"Oh. Hello. I'm just here to buy some copy paper. ...I'll be leaving now." said Snake. He tried to crawl away, but Lucario picked him up by the scruff of his neck.

"Oh no you don't." said Lucario. He fished his hand into Snake's pocket and pulled out the glorious, shiny credit card.

"Mario! Assassin! They have the credit card!" yelled Snake. Mario and Samus turned toward the Normals to glare at them when they got knocked over by Snake, who got thrown by Lucario. King Dedede glanced at the girl checking out their items.

"Will you hurry up? Before we all die?" he asked.

"Please don't rush me sir." said the girl. The other Normals were watching Samus, Mario, and Snake get up, figuring out a way to get out of this. All of the Wal-Mart employees have lost motivation and was walking away, pretending that none of this ever happened. That's when Meta Knight got an idea. And it wasn't a very morally good one. He went into a cashier booth thing and searched for an intercom thingy. Look, I don't know how Wal-Mart works. His voice was magnified by the intercom...

"Attention all Wal-Mart employees. A $200 tip will be given to the employee who knocks the suited bounty hunter, plumber, and paranoid man standing in the middle of the store unconscious. Thank you for your time." said Meta Knight. Everything was quiet at first. Then came the storm. The three enemies were suddenly swarmed by the minions of Wal-Mart. Since they were ordinary humans, it would be impossible for them to knock the villainous heroes out (except for Snake, the most normal of the bunch (and by normal I don't mean in terms of sanity).), so Meta Knight can get out of paying anyone. The girl just looked at the fight curiously before scanning the final item.

"That will be $1025.78. Will that be cash or credit?" she asked. Lucario handed her the credit card and was amsued when he saw her eyes widen from looking at the funds on the card. She rung it up and handed the rather pointless change. The Waddle Dees, who had already stuffed everything in bags, started pushing the carts toward the exit. The Landmaster was already parked outside by the guy, who was disappointed that he couldn't shoot down the helicopter. The Waddle Dees pushed the carts in through a hatch in the back. The guy wanted to say something about not stealing the shopping carts, but decided that this day was already ridiculous enough and walked away. The Normals piled into the Landmaster and drove off, heading back toward Smash Castle. Shortly afterward, Mario, Samus, and Snake managed to escape the crowd and into the parking lot, and they were frustrated that the Landmaster was no longer there.

"Damn it! They're gone!" yelled Samus.

"This was a waste of time." said Snake.

Mario turned around. "Er... they're-a coming back..."

"I WONDER HOW THEY'RE DOING." said the Ancient Minister to himself. Then, unexpectedly, the Landmaster crashed right through the wall of the Ancient Minister's office, trashing utterly everything. A hatch opened up and an army of Waddle Dees pushing shopping carts ran out, running through stuff and making the room more of a mess than before. Falco stormed out of the tank, shoving the credit card into the Ancient Minister's face.

"We're done shopping." said Falco before stomping out of the room.

"...I think he was annoyed that we had to go shopping." said Meta Knight.

"You think?" said King Dedede, following after him. Meta Knight shrugged and was on his tail, leaving Lucario and the Ancient Minister alone.

"It's funny how even the most normal of us Smashers have their moments." mused Lucario before going after his friends.

"...YES. YES INDEED." said the Ancient Minister, reflecting on what his office looked like before it was completely destroyed.

END OF ARC 1

Chapter Text

ARC 2: THE MURDER AND VENGEANCE OF PITOO - PART 1

"ATTENTION! ATTENTION YOU CRAZY HUMANS AND OTHER LIVING THINGS!" yelled the Ancient Minister. He flew over the lunchroom, hoping to get the attentions of everyone eating lunch. The Normals had managed to get enough food to last them a week, so he was thankful for that, even though Falco trashed his office. Soon, everyone was looking up at him, wondering why he was interrupting their lunch time. "PIT HAS A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE."

Pit stood on top of his table as everyone looked at him. "As Lady Palutena says, give gifts to people who deserve them, even if they endanger your life like monster pheromone..."

Falco threw an orange at his face. "Oi! Get on with it, I'm starving!"

The angel responded by calmly drawing his bow and shooting Falco in the knee. "Back to what I was saying, I brought gifts for everyone... FREE COPIES OF UPRISING! REJOICE! HOOPLAH! YEAH!" Out of nowhere, he threw copies of Kid Icarus: Uprising around, showering the room in game cases. Everyone proceeded to rejoice, hooplah, or simply yell out, "YEAH!" Meta Knight grabbed a second copy of the game for Lucario.

"Here, before everyone else hordes the rest." said Meta Knight.

"I don't need it." Lucario took out his 3DS and pulled out the game cartridge: it was Uprising. "I already have it."

King Dedede looked at him in disbelief. "How... HOW DID YOU GET THAT BEFORE THE REST OF US!" He yelled.

"Guys, it's been selling weeks ago; I picked a copy up at Wal-Mart when no one's looking. Apparently, I'm the only one with foresight and knowledge of the release date." Lucario glanced at Pit. "And apparently Pit had no idea it released until today. I blame his goddess."

The King turned as well, widened his eyes, and ducked onto the ground. "Incoming!"

Lucario stepped out of the way as a light arrow hurdles toward his head. Pit glares at him, flipping him the bird. "BLASPHEMY!" And he went back to giving out games as if nothing happened.

"...Okay then. How about we head somewhere private and play the game together? It'll be a nice bonding experience. Plus, Dedede needs company." said Meta Knight. King Dedede was about to say something, but closed his mouth upon realizing that that was very much true.

"Sounds like fun! Have to warn you guys though, I already have some high-ranking weapons." said Lucario.

"SOMEONE GET ME A BANDAGE MY LEG IS BLEEDING OH GOD THE PAIN" yelled Falco, somehow having been ignored for so long.

The entire castle was in a great Uprising frenzy. Whenever they had some down time, it's almost completely taken up by the game. They played through the solo mode, laughing at Pit for the terrible dialogue he said during the adventure (apparently the events of Uprising took place before the Brawl tournament...) then patting him on the back and crying for him, seeing what happens to him in later chapters. They crafted weapons and traded gems to prepare for war against each other and the rest of the world, creating the best setup to completely dominate the competition. Most important of all, everone was happy... for now.

Lucario, Falco, King Dedede, and Meta Knight sat in the castle's courtyard (which still had Landmaster treads), playing the multiplayer mode. While Meta Knight was teaming up with Donkey and Diddy Kong against a group named The Green Team (Luigi, Link, and Toon Link), Lucario, Falco, and Dedede formed a team against an unknown group. This unknown group has been owning the competition since the game began. However, that's because they did not have a run in with Lucario yet.

Lucario (aurachamp) was Pit, facing off against Dark Pit (LORDAWESOME), both on their last legs. Then Lucario makes a masterful manuever, getting behind Dark Pit and hitting him, finishing him off.

"Yeah! You totally creamed him!" cheered Dedede, offering Lucario a high five. The aura Pokemon also gave Falco a high five. Can't leave your teammates hanging.

"Great job." Meta Knight congratulated without looking away from his screen. "Enjoy it while it lasts though."

Falco looked at him confused. "What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Your victory was sure to hurt the pride they built up from being the greatest team. They may take revenge..."

"I doubt it. Although everyone here is crazy, you'd have to be evil to take revenge over a silly game." said Lucario, watching the other team ragequit. This is probably not a bad omen.

"NOOOO! CURSE YOU AURACHAMP!" yelled Bowser in rage. He stomps on the ground repeatedly and blew fire, turning a random table to cinders. Mario and Peach started patting on Bowser's back, trying to get him to calm down.

"Calm down Bowser! Relax and have a cup of tea!" pleaded Peach.

"If you want to-a make fire, you can-a come fire fishing with-a me!" offered Mario. I don't know what fire fishing is, considering that I completely made it up, but I'm pretty sure it's awesome.

"NO! I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! HE BEAT US! DON'T YOU GUYS FEEL ANGRY?" yelled Bowser.

Peach shrugged. "Not really."

"I take out my-a anger on wooden things." said Mario.

Luigi, who has been sitting quietly on his bed, yelled in frustration. "Argh! Knightmare beat-a me again!"

"Great! Do you feel angry Luigi?"

"Not-a really. I do feel like-a crying though."

"...Forget you guys." said Bowser. He walked up to their door and punched it down. "I'LL TAKE REVENGE FOR US BY MYSELF! I DON'T KNOW WHO AURACHAMP IS, BUT I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!" The other three was going to say that aurachamp was most likely Lucario, but they decided that telling him that would be a mean thing to do.

After Bowser had stomped off down the hallway, Mario stuck his head out where the door used to be. "This is-a why we're not-a friends!"

"Seriously Lucario, you need to trade me your weapons." said Falco.

"You need to pay hearts to convert weapons though, so it's not a very good idea unless you have a lot of hearts lying around." said Meta Knight. The group continued walking normally when they suddenly heard screaming.

"What was that?" asked Dedede.

"It's Bowser." said Sonic, who was running but stopped to talk to them. "Some idiot was dumb enough to beat him in a match."

"He loses in a lot of Brawls anyway." pointed out Dedede.

"No, not our fights! He got beaten in an Uprising match and he went crazy about it! Are all your Nintendo villains this crazy?" He ran off before they could say something.

"...This probably has something to do with you." said Meta Knight, looking at Lucario.

"Dude." said Falco, putting his hand on Bowser's shoulders. "He's going to tear you to shreds and bury it so we can't revive you. Going to miss you bud."

"No, I won't die. I'm pretty sure he'll be reasonable." said Lucario, leaving them. After several seconds, Falco, Dedede, and even Meta Knight burst into laughter.

"Bowser? Reasonable? That'll be the day!" guffawed Dedede.

Meta Knight chuckled as well but then he stopped chuckling when he realized what's going to happen. "Oh god, he's heading to Bowser right now."

Falco stopped laughing too, realizing that Lucario will indeed be ripped to shreds. "We have to stop him!"

And so the three tried to run off after Lucario, to stop him from trying to have a 'reasonable' conversation with Bowser.

To be continued...