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It was Christmas again. All these flashy lights and laughing people, while he sat alone at home. Their home. He once was happy as well, but his source of laughter left a year ago without any trace to be found. His Lewis left without a message or a goodbye. If you ask Seb, he hadn't seen it coming. Since that day he wore a sad expression on his face. He needed Lewis, that much was clear. Without Lewis he was just a bitter, lonely man. Seb had hoped that if they made it through this hard december, they could make it through everything, but he was wrong. Now he only wishes that he can have his Lewis back and that he can fix, whatever it is that happened.
Sure, it wasn’t always easy, having to keep their blooming relationship a secret, but they had to. Well their relationship wasn’t that new, 2 years, and they lived together, but it somehow still felt as new and exciting to Seb as if it was day one. Hiding it worked most of the time and nobody expected anything. Sure, their family and close friends, like Mick knew. But not the public. They had some arguments over the years about coming out but in the end knew that they couldn’t. Being a racing driver came with its downsides. One of them being that he or better said they (and many other drivers) couldn’t come out. Sadly the sport was quite homophobic.
2021 wasn’t an easy year for Lewis. Losing the title like he did hit him hard. Seb tried to help him and ease the pain. On some days it worked, but on other days Lewis just shut down completely. On the 24th Seb woke up without Lewis there. At first he thought he was just on a walk with Roscoe. But then he noticed that not only were Roscoe's things missing, but also Lewis’. His side of their shared closet was empty and all of Lewis’ products in the bathroom were gone, only the purple toothbrush was still in its place. There was barely any trace that Lewis had lived there with Seb.
Seeing the house like this made him feel empty inside. It made him wonder what happened.
Was it his fault?
Wasn’t he there enough?
Didn’t he do enough?
Were these 2, almost 3, years for nothing?
Just gone?
Seb tried to call Angela first, but Lewis’ physio seemed to have blocked him. Weird. He was sure she knew where Lewis was and that they probably were together somewhere. Angela was Lewis’ best friend after all. But Seb wasn’t giving up. He tried to call Nicholas, then Anthony and later Carmen. Nobody answered.
2022 was starting weirdly. The world was catching up with the fact that Lewis had submerged and wasn’t driving for the season and maybe never came back. The journalists were chasing Toto. Seemingly the Austrian knew something, but Seb didn’t dare to ask where Lewis had gone. The two most asked questions had been, where Lewis is and who will replace him. To anyone's surprise it was Mick, who was standing next to George at the launch of the W13. Seb was happy for his fellow German, but he couldn’t show it. His heart was still broken. He wasn’t sure if it’ll ever heal. There was some more shuffling on the grid. Haas had one seat open and they also bagged the young Russian, so they had to form a new lineup entirely again. In the end they decided to bring back Kevin and Antonio, who should’ve raced in formula e.
But that’s not really relevant in this story.
Seb’s season didn’t start great. He caught Covid and had to skip the first two races. The car was shit in general. The only fun part when he was back, was that he got to drive down the track on a scooter. He got in a bit of trouble for it, because of some misunderstandment. But it all just went downhill from there.
At the end of July Seb decided that he’s going to retire at the end of the season. He still loved the sport but it wasn’t the same without Lewis there. The seven time world champion was mentioned in almost every race, which didn’t make it easier for Seb’s broken heart. Seb thought about him every day yet he accepted that his ex(?) boyfriend didn’t want to be found.
His retirement announcement nearly broke the internet. Deep down he hoped that Lewis saw it, wherever he was.
It was Christmas again and it was the second year he spent it alone. He wasn’t in the mood to visit his family. They’re all concerned about him and he is aware of it. His family was everything for him, but he didn’t want their pity this year. They video called for a while. It was nice to still see his family like this. Being near them would just be too much, though.
Staying home seemed to be a good decision because it began to snow. At first just a little except it seemed to grow into a snowstorm.
Seb was sitting in front of his fireplace, wrapped up in a thick wool blanket and watched the white snowflakes get tossed around by the wind through the huge window next to it.
He was so engrossed, watching the dancing snow crystals, that he didn’t hear the ring of the doorbell the first time, but the ringing got more persistent and got Seb out of his trance. Seb stood up, confused. Still wrapped in his blanket, he walked over and opened the door.
Who goes outside in such weather?
Who wants something from him on Christmas anyways?
His family was in Germany and Mick would be the only one who would come by occasionally but he always shot a text to announce that he was coming over. Mick also hated the snow and would never leave the house in such weather.
So who could it be?
In front of Seb stood the one person he was so sure he would never see again. Okay, never might be a bit exaggerated but one never knows with Lewis Hamilton.
Technically he looked the same, but with all the winter gear he was wearing, Seb wasn’t really sure. A year can make a huge difference.
Seb could only blink at him, too stunned to say anything.
“Hey,” Lewis said hesitantly, rubbing a hand over the hat he was wearing, looking at the ground. Being unsure and shy definitely didn’t suit him. “Can I maybe come in? It’s kinda cold outside.”
Seb nodded and let Lewis step inside. He didn’t know what to think. On the one hand he is glad to see that Lewis is alive, on the other hand he is wondering why Lewis decided to reappear exactly after one year. Lewis definitely needed to explain a lot.
Lewis stripped out of his coat and shoes and looked expectantly at Seb. They silently made their way to the living room. It felt weird to be in each other's proximity again. A year could really make a difference. They sat down as far away as possible from each other on the couch. Seb would love to hug or cuddle with Lewis again, but in that moment it felt miles if not eternities away.
“Why …”
“Seb, look …”
They spoke at the same time. If this wasn’t such a tense situation, Seb would’ve chuckled.
Lewis started to speak again. “Look, I know you have a lot of questions right now and I owe you so many explanations. You will get them, I promise but can we do that tomorrow? Traveling here was exhausting.” He sounded tired, Seb noted.
“It’s probably for the better. You’re tired and I’m overwhelmed and confused. Maybe sleep will help sort our minds and we can have a productive conversation.” Lewis smiled gratefully at the German. The Brit just arrived and they immediately went to bed. It felt weird. Why come when you just want to sleep?
That’s how they retired for the night. Seb went to his room, well their former room, and Lewis slept in the guestroom. It felt unreal that Lewis was there again.
He couldn’t sleep. His body was buzzing with fatigue but his thoughts were running miles. What their Talk the next day would look like, what happened to Lewis in the year away, why he went away, what exactly they are. The list goes on and on.
Seb knew that he wouldn’t get any sleep like this. He got up again and went to the kitchen to make himself some tea. What he didn’t anticipate was that Lewis already stood in front of two steaming cups of tea.
“I guessed it wouldn’t be too long for you to appear. Can’t sleep either?” Lewis asked and handed him a cup.
Seb nodded with his head. “There’s a lot on my mind,” he mumbled.
“Yeah, I figured. I’m taking full blame for it.”
Seb could see the fight behind Lewis’ eyes, could see how Lewis’ hand is twitching and how he’s refraining from reaching out. It’s cute how hard he was trying. Seb shouldn’t find it cute. But who was he kidding? They had always gravitated towards each other, why should it be any different now?
“I missed you,” Seb confessed. He tried to take a sip of the tea but burned his tongue a little on it. Still too hot.
“I missed you too,” Lewis told him. His fingers twitched again. “I’m sure your year wasn’t easy. I’m sorry for that.”
“It wasn't.”
“Tell me about it?” Lewis suggested.
“You probably read all about it online.”
“I haven’t actually. I didn’t use my phone much last year,” the Brit admitted.
So Seb began to tell him about it all. The ups and downs with Aston Martin, the silly season and how his retirement seemingly started it all. He deliberately left out his heartbreak and his feelings of loneliness.
Lewis was shocked as he heard about the retirement. Seb was sure Lewis would’ve at least heard about it from Angela or someone else. “It was time.” Is all that Seb said and shrugged. Lewis seemed to leave it at that, for the moment at least.
“And how are you feeling now?”
“About what?” Seb asked, confused.
“Life, I guess. Did it change much?”
“You know it did. Everything changed the day you left. It’s a lonely life.” Seb looked away.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you so much but I had to get away for a while.” The apology sounded genuine but a simple ‘sorry’ wouldn’t do it. He didn’t know what Lewis thought would happen. Did he think Seb would just take him back? Welcome him with open arms?
“Why couldn’t you tell me? I would’ve understood. But you ran away like a coward in the middle of the night.”
“I didn’t know how to tell you at the time. Everything was just too much.”
“I thought we could communicate our needs, but I guess I was mistaken.” Seb knew he wasn’t fair, but he got a little snappy.
“There were things I had to deal with alone.”
“Like what? Losing the championship? I know how hard and devastating that is, but life goes on.” Seb was remembered of 2014 where he lost to Lewis. It wasn’t easy after 4 years of winning in a row but he got over it.
“Maybe for you but I don’t do well with losing. It hit me hard in 2016 but it hit me even harder now.” Lewis revealed. He took a sip of his tea.
“Why? Did something else happen afterwards?”
“Not really. Max was actually pretty fair and thanked me for the good fight. I was just in a bad place, mentaly.”
“And you couldn’t talk to me about it?” Seb spits out. He was annoyed. Lewis was just dancing around the topic. He was sure that Lewis was hiding more than he led on.
“No, I didn’t want to bother you.” Lewis mumbled.
“So you just decided to drop from the face of the earth? You could’ve always talked to me. You're not a burden. That's what partners are for, right? To be there for each other through the highs and lows.” Seb couldn’t stop sounding accusating .
“I know, but it was just something I had to deal with on my own.”
“Okay, but at least a letter or a note or something would’ve been nice. You were gone an entire year Lew.” Seb couldn’t stop the old nickname slipping out. “You have no idea what I went through emotionally. I missed you so much. I was hoping that you would come back before Bahrain, but you didn’t. I called everyone I could think about, who may know where you were. I got no answer. I was going through hell but had to act like nothing was wrong on top of my shitty season. I wasn’t even sure if I would ever see you again. And what did you do? Hide away and relax?”
“That’s not fair, Seb.”
“Maybe, but I’m allowed to be mad at you. I’m mad, disappointed, confused, tired, it feels like my heart is shattered and in pieces. I hate myself that I’m still in fucking love with you, god knows why. It hurt so bad and now you’re standing here and saying that it’s not fair that I throw accusations at you. Put yourself in my shoes and see how you would feel if I disappeared for a whole fucking year, just to reapear on Christmas,” Seb almost yelled at Lewis. It was just too much for him. He was proud of himself that he didn’t burst out into tears. Lewis blinked at him. He was lost for words.
Seb left the kitchen afterwards and went to his room again. He didn’t really slam the door, but pushed it harder than normal and flung himself on the bed. It felt like he was a teenager again after a bad fight with his parents, only that he was 35 now and just word dumped his feelings on Lewis.
He didn’t know what to do next. His feelings are still all over the place and the ‘talk’ with Lewis didn’t make it any better. He didn’t know what the future was holding for him or them. Were they even a couple or not? Seb still needed some answers from Lewis but he couldn’t face him again. Sleep would be a great idea but it wouldn’t come. So he just laid in his bed, face buried in a pillow and waited. On what, he wasn’t sure.
The hours ticked by and the sun began to rise again. Seb managed to sleep a bit but was still feeling restless and overwhelmed. He wasn’t really hungry, but he knew he had to eat something. On his tiptoes he sneaked inside the kitchen and found some toast. He normally preferred self made bread but it had to do for the moment.
Seb wasn't sure where Lewis was. Probably still asleep in the guestroom. What he didn't expect was to find the Brit sleeping in front of the fireplace, Seb's blanket clutched to his chest and his nose buried in the fabric. It was really endearing to see and it made his traitorous heart beat faster. He sat down on the couch and watched over Lewis. It wasn't fair. Why couldn't he stay away from the former Mercedes driver.
He wasn't sure how much time had passed but Lewis was still sleeping. Seb was debating with himself whether to wake Lewis up or not. Sleeping on the carpet couldn't be comfortable. He stood up and sat down next to Lewis.
"Hey Lew, wake up." Seb gently shook Lewis' shoulder. The Brit stirred and stuck his hand out for Seb. Lewis patted on the ground until he felt Seb against his hand. He snaked his arm around Seb and pulled down, his face rested against Lewis' chest and the Brit had his nose buried in Seb's curls.
It felt so familiar to be cuddled up against Lewis. His heart began to pound faster again. Seb shouldn't be enjoying this. He should be mad at Lewis. But the Brit made it really hard for him.
"Lewis, come on. Laying on the floor isn't good for your back."
"No, it's comfy, Sebby," Lewis murmured in Seb's hair and tightened his grip. It felt like home for the first time in 365 days. Lewis' scent lulled him in and it was really hard not to kiss him.
Seb knew he should get up, should keep his distance, but he couldn't. It's almost embarrassing how dependent he is on having Lewis close to himself. Maybe that shows how addicted he still was to Lewis.
"Lewis, we have to get up," Seb said but didn't make any attempts himself.
"Why do we have to get up? We're snowed in anyways." Oh, Seb hadn't noticed that.
"So now we're stuck together. It's kind of like in these Romanze novels."
"Yeah, but normally it's something like strangers to lovers or friends to lovers. What are we? Lovers to lovers again?" Lewis asked.
"I honestly don't know, Lew. I love you, I've missed you so badly, but you just appearing here doesn't magically make it better."
"I know," Lewis sighed. "And I know I messed up big time, but I want to try. It's Christmas. It's the time for new beginnings and forgiveness. I know I haven't earned it yet, but I can't give you up."
"Why did you really disappear?" Seb asked softly.
"You already know. Because of the lost championship."
"No other reason?" Seb questioned. He really wanted to get behind Lewis' thought process.
"I might have thought about proposing after I had won, but then I didn't. It made me spiral. You were so sweet afterwards and tried everything to make me feel better. It made me feel like I didn't deserve you, like I wasn't good enough any more. I had to go during the night because if I would've looked into your eyes, I would've stayed. Staying away this long was stupid but I got afraid after the season started and I didn't want to distract you. I stayed with my mom for most of the time. The only person that knew where I was, was Toto obviously. At first I just wanted to take the season off, but I don't think I'll come back. Mick and George are doing such an amazing job."
"You wanted to propose," Seb whispered, stunned.
"Yeah. You're the love of my life. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you," Lewis confessed.
Seb was rendered speechless. Silent tears ran down his face. Lewis was such an idiot, but he was his idiot. At least he hoped so. He pushed himself up on his elbows to look at Lewis. His vision was a bit blurry from the tears but it didn't matter. He had his Lewis back.
"Don't think you're this easily forgiven, Hamilton," Seb sniffled but he had a big smile on his face. They would make it work somehow, Seb was sure about that.
Lewis lifted his right hand and gently wiped Seb's tears away.
"Of course not. I'll work on it and show you that I can do better. I won't run away a second time."
They hadn't kissed that day or any of the following days they were snowed in. What they did though was cuddle. A lot. They had to make up for an entire year of touch starvation for the other after all. Seb asked Lewis about his year and about Roscoe. He was staying with Angela and her family.
Lewis tried to show Seb as best as he could that he was there to stay. They cooked together and watched movies. Lewis read to him and they discussed important topics.
The week flew by and it was Sylvester. They cuddled In front of the fireplace and watched the night sky before it'll get painted in color. A New Years countdown was playing on the television in the background. It was close to midnight. The TV host began to count down:
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
As the clock striked zero their lips met in a passionate kiss. Seb knew they'll be okay eventually. He also wants that proposal some day. But for now they'll take one day at a time.