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When you’re in a relationship with a crime boss, you know you’re living a dangerous life. You’re a sitting duck waiting for someone to come along and take your captive. Fortunately for you, you were in a relationship with Dirtyhands. He was feared and respected, so if anyone tried anything they’d be dead before the first bullet could leave their gun’s chamber.
Being in a relationship with Kaz had its flaws though — for one, he was often busy, barely having time for you. And two, when he did have time for you, he was sometimes so stressed and tired that any kind of affection made him uncomfortable. But you had accepted it long ago, Kaz had told you about his past. About Jordie, what had happened in the Barge when he had been just a boy. What had made him become the Bastard of the Barrel. For some, he was even a demon, doing things so heartless no human would be able to do that.
But you always understood his struggles, and you had never once been afraid of him. But it didn’t mean he wasn’t insecure of the lack of affection in your relationship. He saw you watch Wylan and Jesper being cute, Jesper drowning his boyfriend in kisses and Wylan giggling while trying to push him away, Nina falling asleep on Matthias’ lap. He saw the smile on your lips, and sometimes he thought he caught a tingle of longing in your eyes. Longing to be able to do that with Kaz. But the next moment, you looked at him, the joy and love for him sparkling in your eyes, and he felt home again.
But some days, he couldn’t help but think if he was good enough for you — you would deserve someone who was not feared, not violent, not a criminal. Not broken. Someone who would drown you in kisses like Jesper or who would be able to let you sleep on his lap. Kaz could only hold your hand and let you run your hand through his hair sometimes, but no more.
So without noticing, he had begun distancing himself from you. He probably did it unconsciously, but now there were too many nights where you were alone in your room after dinner, reading books by candlelight. The way he used to spend evenings with you every night before.
Your behavior towards him didn’t change that much; you still smiled at him and looked at him with that love you always did, and probably just thought he needs space again. That’s why you let him invite you in his room rather than just go knocking on his door how you usually could do. You knew that sometimes he had it rough, sometimes he needed time for himself. Spending so many years alone and purposefully seeking to be hated and feared, and still ending up loving someone was still relatively new for him. And his feelings were still sometimes too much for him to handle.
But tonight, he wanted to cross his boundaries. He felt like he needed to show you how much he loved you.
You arrived to his office late at night, when most of the Slat were already sleeping. You sat down across from him and you crossed your legs, watching him as he worked behind his desk. His shirt was wrinkled, his hair disheveled, looking like he had worked all day.
“You should sleep,” you said softly. “You look terrible.”
He shook his head and sighed. “I can’t sleep before I can get this out of the way.”
You frowned. “Get what out of the way?”
He looked at you then, and you recognised the way he looked at you. He struggled to get something out, and you stared at each other in silence for a while.
“I’m not a good boyfriend for you, I’m undeserving of you. But darling, I would carve our names on the moon just to let the whole world know you’re mine.” Kaz’s voice cut through the silence and your eyes widened in shock. He swallowed, looking like he struggled finding his next words. “I care about you, I care about you more than I ever thought I…”
He stopped himself before saying more, but you felt your heart soaring and dancing inside your chest as a wide smile spread on your face. Kaz pursed his lips, lowered his gaze and nodded. He didn’t smile back at you, he didn’t express his feelings more. You knew it was incredibly difficult for him, he had overcome himself with just those two sentences already, and you knew he was having a fight with his brains and heart at the moment.
Some days Kaz doubted his capability to love, wondering out loud about why you wanted to be with someone like him. He wasn’t vocal about them, but it didn’t make his love being any less strong. He had always felt cold when it came to feelings, sometimes he was even dismissive when you told him you loved him. Some days were better than others. It wasn’t anything new, you had agreed to take all of him when you first started dating him.
You nodded, stepping closer to him. “I know, Kaz. I know. You don’t have to tell me that.”
“You would deserve someone much better than me,” Kaz murmured. “I’m broken, not being able to give you what you want and need. And you still think I’m deserving of your attention, devotion and love. I can never understand it.”
You shook your head quickly. “I just need and want you. I’m willing to accept everything you are. Broken or not, whatever is wrong with you doesn’t matter to me. All I see is this beautiful person who loves me so much, even if they don’t show their emotions enough. Some days, I do crave for physical affection, I do dream of being able to kiss you and cuddle with you, but I know you’re trying hard every day to fight for us, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”
Kaz smiled softly at you, taking a feather light hold of your hand. “Thank you darling.” His hand lingered on your hand for a second longer before sliding away from you, leaving behind warmth in its wake. You watched him silently as he got back into work, and you took your book from the desk, continuing to read it.
Moonlight shone through the window and the only sounds in his office were Kaz’s scribbling, you turning pages and fire crackling in the fireplace. The rest of the night was quiet and peaceful for once, you barely heard any noise from the streets.
And as many nights before, you fell to sleep with your book in hand. Kaz took your book away, and covered you with his coat, something he had last done weeks ago. He knew you understood his struggles, but he also knew that he should be more vocal about it if he has a lot in his mind and apologise if he’d hurt your feelings without realising it.
You deserved to feel loved, even when you dated a man who had swore to himself he’d never love again all those years ago.