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“I don’t feel happy here, Kaz.”
“Not happy here, or not happy with me?” Kaz asked. The boy you loved had his back to you, tightly gripping his desk. “I think we both know the answer to that question.”
“It’s not about you, Kaz. I’m done with this criminal life, done with fearing for my life, done with running and hiding from Stadwatch, being afraid of having to watch my friends, or you, being killed all the time.” you replied with a shaky voice as you felt tears invading your eyes. You wiped them away quickly before they could betray you. “I want a normal home, somewhere safe where I can relax without worrying what might happen at any moment. I wish you’d come with me, but I know you won’t.”
“I belong in Ketterdam,” he said quietly. He turned around slowly, but not meeting your eyes. You took in a shaky breath when you saw how hurt he was by your words. He didn’t cry, Kaz Brekker never cried, he kept it all inside him, but you knew him enough to know he was devastated by your decision to leave. You nodded, biting your lip. Your heart screamed for you to take back your words, say you’ll stay, say you’ll stay with him, but your brains knew your heart wouldn’t be able to handle yet another loss. Losing Rikke and Vera during the last job had been the last straw for you, and you knew you wouldn’t be able to bear losing more friends.
You laid your hand near Kaz’s, and he paused for a moment, before pulling his hand away from you, settling it a little further. You took it as a quiet ask for you to leave already, he didn’t want to make it harder than it already was. He was trying to forget you already. So you turned, walking to the door, taking one last glance at Kaz’s office you had spent in so many nights, cuddled up in that little armchair with an open book on your lap reading while Kaz worked. The window, where you and Kaz had first held hands as you had looked at fireworks of the Winter Solace. The couch, where you had fallen asleep on, finding Kaz’s coat wrapped around you in the morning. And Kaz, working there, offering you a small smile when you entered his office, a smile reserved only for you. Now, he didn’t even spare a glance at you. You swallowed back your wavering voice.
“Goodbye, Kaz,” you croaked out, then walked out of his room. You stood behind it for a moment, leaning against the railing as you let tears fall, before making your way down and grabbing your bag, which you had left outside his bedroom door, slinging it over your shoulder. You wiped away your tears, clearing your throat and stepping into the hallway and head out.
You felt Kaz watching you as you made your way towards the harbor through the rainy Ketterdam streets, and tried your hardest not to look at him. You couldn’t deal with meeting his eyes, since that would have reeled you right back to the Slat, and only when you were on a ship sailing towards your new life, you stared at the direction of the Slat until it disappeared into horizon.
***
“Os Kervo! Docking in Os Kervo! Next harbor will be Ketterdam!” The sailor shouted loudly from above deck. You sat at the prow of the ship, looking ahead of yourself, enjoying the brisk sea breeze whipping across your face. The cold air cleared your thoughts, or at least kept you from dwelling too much on them.
Five years ago you had left Ketterdam in search of new, better life. But during those five years, you hadn’t been able to leave your past behind you. Your heart always belonged in Ketterdam. You had tried to get over Kaz, even trying to start a few relationships, but the first date always felt just… wrong. They all had been nice, polite and charming people, no red flags anywhere, and yet, it never worked out. You never even got to the point of kissing any of them. It was as though they could sense that you still cared about someone else.
You had finally come to realise with the past few months that you’d never get over Kaz. You belonged with him, he made you happy, and that would forever be impossible with anyone else. He had fought his way to show his love to you over and over again, and you had selfishly left him because you couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. You had realised that even if he did die, you wanted to be the last one he sees, you wanted him to know you loved him til the end. Your heart would break into little pieces, but you wanted to be with him until the very end. He was your one true love, and you wanted to let him know that.
Of course, you dreaded some things. He could have already died. He could have found someone else. But you still had to see him, had to apologize to him at least if not else. Even visit his grave if he was dead.
You tucked your little bag under your coat and looked at the bright sky above. There wasn’t a bright sky in Ketterdam, at least not very often. The sky was always covered in a thick layer of grey clouds or fog, or both. It didn’t make it easy for the sun to shine through, and it always seemed to rain.
The plank was finally taken in, and the ship was undocked. And so you were sailing back to where you belonged, back to the city of crime and dark streets you had called home since you were thirteen years old.
***
The Crow Club was bustling with customers today. They were laughing, gambling, downing shots and hooraying to themselves occasionally. You smiled at the sight, taking a few steps further to the building.
You heard a familiar voice from behind your back calling your name, and you turned around with a bright smile.
“Jes!” you exclaimed happily as Jesper embraced you tightly.
“Where have you been? We thought you’re dead or something, Kaz wouldn’t agree to talk about you at all. He just kept ignoring any questions about you.” Jesper told you, squeezing you tight again. You nodded, smiling sadly.
“I’m sorry I left like that,” you started, “I just felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. All that death and bloodshed… It was too much…”
Jesper nodded, glancing at the top of the stairs and then at you. You followed his gaze, seeing Kaz standing there. Your breath hitched in your throat and you swallowed heavily. He didn’t seem to recognize you, or at least he didn’t let it show if he did. His eyes swept across you, before he started descending the stairs and walked towards you. You took a step forward towards him, expecting him to come talk to you, but he moved past you without a word or another glance.
You sighed shakily and looked back at Jesper who was watching you with concern. “He has someone, doesn’t he?”
Jesper shook his head. “Not that we know. But he has become even more cold since you left. He quit talking to me and Wylan about everything else than work. He’s just our boss now, nothing else.”
You nodded, your mind running through your memory from the night you left. The memory was painful for you, and you could only imagine how painful it must have been for Kaz. You saw him slip outside, and without another thought you followed him. Maybe it wasn’t wise, but you had to talk to him, you had to try to make him understand. You likely wouldn’t be able to “fix” it right away, but you could try to mend it somehow.
He was standing against the wall, staring at the street full of people. You came to stand by him, and hoped for him to stay there, but instead he turned away as though you were no longer worth looking at.
“What are you doing here?” he asked bluntly.
“I want to say I’m sorry,” you said softly, taking a step closer to him. “I shouldn’t have left like that. I should have talked things out with you first. I knew what I was getting into, I just… I couldn’t bear the idea that you would die and I would be left here alone.” He slowly looked up at you then, his face blank, void of any emotion. You swallowed nervously, bracing yourself for his reply.
He looked down at the cobbled stone below him, sighing loudly. “I am not interested in hearing about your reasons. You left us. Left me. You chose to leave because you were scared of this life. Don’t come crawling back when it’s convenient for you to do so because it serves your purpose.”
You shook your head quickly. “No, Kaz—” your voice broke, but you forced it to come back together. “I didn’t come back just to serve my purposes.”
“Then why?” he demanded, still glaring down at the ground.
You sighed again. “Because I missed you.” You felt tears welling up and had to blink them away before continuing. “I realised that even if I’m scared to lose you, lose any of you, I want to be here. I want you to know I’m willing to love you until the end, whether you die tomorrow or when we’re a hundred years old. Because without you I’ll never be able to truly live.” He glanced up from under his brow, but otherwise said nothing. He let out another heavy breath and then he turned back towards the Crow Club.
“Kaz?” you called softly. He grunted and stopped for a moment, looking at you.
“What?” he snapped impatiently.
“Please don’t hate me…” you begged him, the tears spilling over onto your cheeks. “I was selfish, and I was wrong, but please try to understand.”
He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I don’t have to understand,” he said, walking past you.
You stood there alone for a moment, tears rolling down your face as you stared after Kaz. You hugged yourself, turning away, but then you felt a coat being wrapped around you.
“Oh, love,” Jesper mumbled, looking at your face and wiping some tears away with his thumb. “It’s alright. It’s gonna be alright.”
You sniffled and shook your head. “No, it won’t. He hates me now, doesn’t he?”
“No, he just needs time,” he answered and you saw Wylan coming to stand at the door. He smiled at you sadly, and you returned it. Jesper guided you inside and up the stairs.
“Will Kaz allow this?” you asked as you sat on the couch.
Jesper shrugged. “You need rest, it’s been a long day. We’ll find out in the morning what happens next.”
You nodded gratefully as Wylan took out a big, warm looking spare blanket and a pillow and it didn’t take long for you to fall asleep.
***
The sun rose slowly, illuminating a new day that would hopefully lead to better things than last night had brought you. You sat up and smiled a little as you saw Jesper and Wylan spooning together on their shared bed. You stretched your limbs and yawned softly before realising you’re thirsty. You put on your clothes carefully, trying your best not to make noise or disturb the two lovers still sleeping - yesterday had been a long day for them too, you wanted them to have a good night’s rest.
The floorboard creaked under your feet, and you paused, looking over at Jesper and Wylan. Jesper hummed and snuggled closer to Wylan, but neither of them didn’t wake up. You sighed in relief and made your way towards the door. You opened the door quietly, and closed it, and then almost screamed as you heard a click of a cane behind you. You turned around with wide eyes, seeing Kaz standing there, scowling.
Words flowed out before you could stop them “Kaz, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have come here, I—”
He cut you off by lifting his hand and took in a deep sigh.
“We should probably talk,” he told you stiffly.
You frowned, your mouth opening slightly. You weren’t expecting that. “What?”
He averted his eyes from yours. “Just… come downstairs. We can talk while we eat breakfast.” He started walking past you without another word, down the stairs. You followed him after a moment’s hesitation. He led you to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee, while you took an apple from the food storage room and sat at the table with your former boyfriend who, you noticed, was slightly nervous. To anyone else, he might have looked static and cold, uncaring, but you noted all the microexpressions which you had learned years before and knew better than anyone just how anxious he really was about this situation.
The two of you ate silently for a moment, before Kaz finally cleared his throat, getting your attention.
“I was too harsh on you yesterday,” he said to you, staring at his now empty cup of coffee.
You shook your head, “No you weren’t…”
“Let me finish,” he told you sternly. “I was hurt because you just came back after leaving us, and I lashed out at you because it made me feel better in some way. But it wasn’t fair, we were still very young when you left. Rikke and Vera were like siblings to you, their death hit you hard and you walked out. I should have understood enough to offer you a better solution, fitting for both of us.”
“It wasn’t your fault I left, Kaz.” you told him quietly, leaning forward. “I was scared and didn’t think about others, only myself. I made that decision in one evening and regretted it a few days after. It was stupid of me.”
He waved your words away with a dismissive hand. “No, it was reasonable for you to leave. But I should have given you some time off rather than blaming you of abandoning us. You had decided to leave, but I still drove you away. I felt so guilty of not being able to offer you more, to be honest.” He let out a sigh. “But you are here now, and hopefully things will go well between us again, once we talk this over.”
You nodded slowly, your heart leaping a little in joy with his last sentence. “I hope we do, Kaz.”
He smiled slightly then, that smile you had missed so much and that always made your cheeks hot, and stared at your hand on the table. Slowly, he inched his hand towards yours, and you followed suit until you had gently linked your pinkies together. You faintly saw a blush on Kaz’s cheeks, even at the dim lighting of the kitchen, and felt your own cheeks burning up too, feeling like that lovesick teenager you had been before you first started your relationship.
He had grown a lot during these five years too - when you left, Kaz wouldn’t apologize to anyone for anything, not even to you. At the very best, his apology was a flower or a book left on your bedside table, sometimes with a note “I hope you like it”, but now he had used his words to apologize. He had felt guilt about the situation which he had tried to manage, and you coming back so suddenly had made his feelings go on an overdrive which had made him put his walls up high again, and it made you hurt just thinking about what he might have been going through.
But the important thing was that now, after thinking of it through the night, he had decided to forgive you, and that was all that mattered.