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God did not listen to the damned ones. As it turned out, Sotoba itself was damned; it had been perhaps from the very beginning. The smoke of charred flesh wafted around and tardily dislodged from various corners. Fire spread, like an endless stomach.
Seishin stood on the main road, which led to the village. A bloody hand gripped the haori. It was but an unnamed gesture. Ash seemed to fly towards him in waves, prying him away or scattering the past. How long would he have to live to forget it all?
His clutch tightened unknowingly. With everything that happened, Seishin wasn't sure, whether he would allow himself to forget. In the next moment feet shuffled closer. That sound rose from the cracking fire, along with shouts from lonesome villagers.
Seishin turned apathetically. Sunako. He expected someone else...
Did he actually miss him? Was there a different agenda?
In disgust of those thoughts, Seishin discarded a grimace, before it could fully overtake his face.
"Muroi-san..." The shiki whispered. "Dawn is coming."
"Ah. Let's go."
"Are you alright?"
Seishin nodded mindlessly. His eyes skipped back to the crimson mountains.
X X X
Those mountains had shimmered, clad in lush back then.
Back then...
It happened years ago... Seishin recalled, how he had rounded their narrow muddy paths with Toshio. The brunet beside him smoked - what Seishin believed to be a third cigarette of the day. Specifically, it had been the third cigarette of the hour. That smell had latched onto them both, like a companion. An exhale followed.
"Are you tired?" Seishin asked, nonchalant. Toshio spared a bare nod, while narrowing his eyes at their trail.
"Ah. This path hadn't been this tiring before..."
"Uhm."
"Either it lengthened or I had more stamina, as a child."
"Well... It may be." Seishin shrugged absentmindedly. "We could head back and take the main stairs."
"That's double the work, Sei! If we'll do that, you'll have to drag me down!"
Seishin pinched his bottom lip. For a minute he churned the idea over in his head, debating its harmlessness. A silent whisper erupted in the end.
"I'd have no complaints."
Toshio scoffed as a result, then shoved his free hand into a pocket. The chill had finally beaten his bare flesh. In the meantime leaves fell, gently blanketing the bushes and soil. Sun shone high in the sky, peering through resentful firs. Seishin believed it fitting for the season. It all carried a tranquil aura.
Nature was self-sufficient. It knew what and where to place, in order to achieve a semblance of harmony. This sadly was only a close imitation, due to factors outside of their control, like these two men, patrolling in the deep end of the mountains, destroying the overgrowth and disturbing birds or animals. Their disorder was challenged soon enough. Seishin paused. A huge chasm laid in their trail. Its mouth had peeled open patches of puzzled moss. There remains of birds, perhaps even mammals had drifted together with mire and rotten leaves. Piles of bugs celebrated this compost. No modesty was found whatsoever.
Seishin scrunched his nose at the gravestone. Toshio on the other hand seemed to hold little disgust over the sight. He watched with half interest, how Seishin dragged a loose tree trunk over the mess. The pit's corners sunk in, as a result. It would not be a far-fetched idea, that the sides were nothing but moss now. Toshio glanced at his friend.
"You think, this will work?"
A blank expression was given and the doctor smiled knowingly. Predictable.
"I see. So, I guess, you can go first, Sei?"
Seishin's gaze skipped back to the lanky bridge.
Toshio was fairly certain, it had lowered by a few inches, while they talked. At this rate, his friend might bathe in that mire soon – a humorous idea, but certainly misplaced. On cue with that thought, Seishin climbed on a branched-out limb. Toshio's jaw parted.
"Hey, hey, I was joking! What are you-?"
"I'm fine." Seishin staggeringly fixed his composure. "I think it can hold us both."
"Huh, you really want to drown there, don't you?"
"It's safe."
The brunet sighed, placing the cigar back in his mouth. There wasn't much sense in talking through to a careless idiot. Seishin would only believe Toshio's words, if he'd end up falling. A risen wind ruffled the monk's stance, dislodging a nearby branch as well. Other than that it was a standstill. Toshio had a feeling, the bastard would remain, if nothing was said. Honestly, he would rather see Seishin on solid ground than dangling on a flimsy rot.
"Alright, give me a second, Sei, I'll finish this thing."
"Or you could keep it and give me your hand."
"Huh..." Toshio smirked reluctantly. The monk's arm was extended with a warm smile.
"You're still uncomfortable with heights, aren't you, Toshio?"
"Don't make it worse."
"I'm not. I promise."
Toshio scratched the back of his head, while biting down on the tobacco. Seishin took a flimsy step back. His foot nearly slid off the damp surface in return, yet he straightened, as if nothing had happened. That certainly wasn't a planned procedure. On cue, Toshio shivered.
"Alright, let's go! I can't stand, seeing you like this!"
Seishin's fingers interlocked with his; however the doctor's clutch was what had kept them rooted throughout the gait. If Seishin would wobble, a pull from the other end would become apparent, staking his uncoordinated body back in order. Toshio's hand was warm. That warmth could have acted like a senile anchor, reminding Seishin, where he should go, as to not lose himself to either side of the void. Of course, all that lay below was mud, but in the sense of a metaphor, it could have stood for so much more. It was the other side: passivity, subconsciousness or any other decrepit escape, that Seishin could conjure in response to the obvious hurt, Sotoba. Did he really need Toshio's hand or company to traverse this road? Seishin delved his eyes to the soil, meanwhile the chapped skin lay. It was a definite pressure, which would waver, but never disappear, like a permanent lighthouse… They had grown up together. Toshio was always there in better and worse, helping, reassuring or annoying him... By now their bond stood on a fleeting past, on a dependent childhood. Toshio did not fit in with the other kids and Seishin had simply tagged along. The brunet's schemes had landed them in trouble several times, but Seishin had remained, like an ageless tree, savoring its roots... Years had passed, college, Toshio's marriage, and here they were again, as if nothing had changed... Fate was an accursed circle.
Seishin's eyes were clouded over. Only when a whiff of tobacco entered his nose, did the monk lift his head. He noted, Toshio walk in front and down the mountain. Their hands were still locked. Impulsively, Seishin's arm twitched. Toshio paused, releasing him in an awkward maneuver. There was a jerk, a sway in the air, then it landed.
"Oh, sorry about that."
"It's fine." Seishin lamented. His eyes mournfully spotted, how the other's palm rested along the grey coat. The loss of contact took a while to register. It was Seishin's fault, wasn't it? However he still needed Toshio... at least for a moment. There was something he wished to sort and to keep himself physically afloat in a different corner of his mind. Dry lips made a parting. "Uhm, Toshio..."
"What is it?"
"Nothing... It's nothing."
It had been a selfish desire.
Like so, Seishin evaded eye-contact, meanwhile Toshio lined their steps and took out a lighter. Was he really going to smoke the fourth one? In a span of a moment the cigarette took a full-fledged residence between Toshio's lips. Doubtless, it could have known of the previous habitants and their inevitable end. A lighter was promptly hidden and the back of his palm brushed through Seishin's. It was a whimsical motion, but then there it came again. After a few steps Toshio's pinky caught onto Seishin's loose fingers. Perhaps it was an attempt to pause their sway, regardless, his mind had been far too gone to process that repetitive contact. The gusts tore at their protective garments, ruffling their hair, then raising them along with playful leaves. Somewhere in the midst of that wind Toshio's palm found solace. Seishin's fingers gladly welcomed their company. Back then Seishin only looked at it, as a detached need for solace, however that touch could have spoken of so much more, if let... Instead Toshio cleared his throat for a change of subject.
"Was that hole always there?"
"Hmm." Seishin furrowed his brows. It took him a minute to comprehend, he had been spoken to. Their boots crunched through the golden leaves without end.
"Seishin?"
"Ah?"
"Was it always there?"
"What?"
"That chasm, whatever it was. I can't remember ever seeing it."
"I won't be able to answer."
"Huh. And I thought you knew these mounts like the back of your head." Toshio teased. Seishin gave a pitiable smirk.
"Not really..."
"Okay."
"I do think it's newly formed."
"You mean we have sinkholes in Sotoba?" Toshio cocked an eyebrow. His confusion caused Seishin to nod.
"Maybe or it could be an extension to the Hell Hole."
"Supposedly chasms can lengthen." Toshio quipped. That had served, as an end to their talk. The field had stood disarmed and bare from firs' mantle up ahead. Bushes acted like intricate gates. They welcomed the men into the vast meadow and a soil, harvested long ago. Seishin halted. Their fresh scent had mixed in with leftovers of oil and gasoline. His eyes feasted over the plains, cherishing their simplicity. The sun was setting behind a misty mountain. Wilted cornflowers pitiably shivered by his feet. For an odd reason, Seishin recalled, how they used to weave those flowers into endless threads for a childish competition. Regardless who would win, Toshio would always gift the makeshift braid to him... A sudden nudge brought Seishin out of his thoughts.
"Sei, we should get to the library."
"Ah. You're right."
The other members of the council were already seated, as Seishin and Toshio had thought. The laughter echoed outside of Sotoba Hall as proof. Seishin spared a glance to Toshio then, noticing a grimace. The monk himself wasn't too optimistic, when it came to Kagura's preparations. In the next minute Toshio fervently rummaged inside his pockets. Seishin paused near the door. Down the stairs and in the gloom he could hear.
"Damn, no more cigarettes."
Seishin sighed, holding onto the handle. His fingers stayed rigid against the cold wood, until Toshio climbed up with a sour face. The latter jerked the door, nearly slamming it at the nearby wall. There came a hideous creak. The poor thing had probably seen enough violence in its lifetime...
"Let's get this over with." Toshio muttered. Seishin nodded. He did not particularly care about the event, but tradition stood intact... Kagura had been a yearly celebration and such routine was meant to be preserved for the sake of authenticity, as Sato had said once. That statement had coiled inside the silver-haired man from the early years of life. He used to believe in it... After all, tradition, as any other form of culture, was meant to unite people. In Seishin's case, it only broadened the wall in between.
"Ah! Ozaki-sensei, Muroi-san! Hurry up, you two!" Ohkawa's voice filtered in from the reading lounge of their modest library. Its owner was hidden behind the corner. There a crowded table took the majority of the space. Several people squirmed around it, seeming like a crowd of bugs near the bulky man. As it turned out, some of them were already sloshed. It did not take long for Ohkawa to add. "We've been waiting."
"You didn't miss much." Masayuki waved it off. He scooted to the side in the process. Toshio thanked him, then sat down on the elongated bench with Seishin in toe.
The young monk had managed to zone out throughout most of the discussions. Granted, the members rarely bothered him and when they did, it was only for a showy agreement. Toshio in the meantime used the generosity of free sake. This repetition had to be washed accordingly. In the end, something had been decided and the rest was left for further thinking. Slowly, the members-drunkards dispersed. As if in accordance with their leave, the librarian had turned on the lights, since it had gotten quite dark outside. Into that unforgiving gloom they swayed. If memory had served Seishin right, last year their drunken group had shambled into someone's shed, tore its door open and broken several windows. Hopefully, they had learned from that misdeed. Soon enough Seishin's scarce attention shifted to Toshio, who gulped liquor and tossed sandwiches down his throat. They were alone in the library now. The wall clock ticked away. Gusts rattled the wooden windows, imitating constant knocks. After a rash swallow Toshio rubbed crumbs off his chin.
"Since you're still here, would you lead me back to the clinic?"
"Are you that drunk already?"
"Not yet." He nodded with a dry swallow, perhaps striking down a bite. Seishin exhaled in defeat.
"I suppose, It can't be helped."
"Of course, it can. You could have left already."
Seishin veered his eyes away. His sealed mouth managed to emit a grunt regardless.
"I did not want to mingle with them."
"Ah. I see, I see..." Toshio nodded. After a boat of silence he began again with a sheepish smile. "Would you listen to a drunken idiot?"
"Ah."
"This is going to sound stupid, but... I think your presence gives off light. Huh. No matter how mad you are, you're still going to lend me a hand... You're like that, always, the second voice of reason... Like a part of me." Toshio paused with his mouth ajar. His nails tapped at the empty cup, like a flimsy measurement. The monk sat with his shoulders tout, whilst holding onto a downcast grimace. Inside there ascended an urge to leave the other behind. That would be a problematic escape, so he bore the gnawing embarrassment. After a minute Toshio exhaled, then thoughtlessly leaned at the other's shoulder. "I appreciate you, Seishin. I wish, you'd know."
Now, he did...
Seishin pinched the inside of his cheek. What had he done to deserve this? Had Toshio expected something in return? There must have been an intention, regardless, whether Toshio was drunk or not. Despite that, Seishin could not respond or accept this kind of compliment. The male was certain, he did not share that trust nor love. He was dependent on Toshio to some extent, but it was far from adoration. According to him, there should be a limit, to how much one could love someone and still hold respect for themselves. Love in general was a depleting well. Toshio was crossing the line, while Seishin was a dry hole. He had nothing to spare.
In the end, as the warmth became too suffocating, he gently pushed Toshio away, as if tipping his posture. Sadly, that motion did not go silent.
"Seishin..."
"Please, I want to go home."
"I get it. Give me a second... Uhm, but..."
"Hmm?" Seishin swallowed dryly. The man realized too late, that he was technically feeding a fire. His fists clenched on the table at that.
"You'll lead me back, right?"
"I promised." Seishin nodded. That might have been a mistake...
"Ah. I'm repeating myself, sorry, that look of yours. Sometimes I wonder... if you're planning to kill me."
"Oh." A side of Seishin's lips rose upwards. This was an odd thought and unfortunately circled in his brain, like a lost fly after. Seishin decided; he had enough. Toshio's drunken honesty will skin him alive. All of this was a sure sign, that his own emotions were lagging somewhere and maybe he wasn't as humane, as he had ideally imagined. The more he sat here, the louder that shame pounded. Either way, none of this was Toshio's fault and he should leave them silent... Seishin diverted a warm glance. "Well, come on, let's go."
"Hold on a minute."
"You're not drinking anyway, Toshio..." Seishin remarked, meanwhile the doctor buried his face in-between crossed arms like a pillow. A displeased grunt escaped him. The bottle of sake had lain forgotten. Out of a corner, Seishin spotted Yuzuki shuffling in, on tiptoes, likely treading into a foreign land. A blush crept in. What exactly had the librarian imagined, in order to be so careful? Had he listened in? That possibility wasn't so far-off. He stood up hastily and tugged on Toshio's shoulder. "You should not sleep here. Let's clean up and go."
"Ah... A moment... You said, you'll wait for me, remember?"
"Yes, I remember, but this is not the time."
"Hmmm..."
"Toshio-" Seishin paused, once his friend snuggled into his elbows like a cat. This was going nowhere. While Seishin ceaselessly patted Toshio's shoulder, Yuzuki came up. Seishin turned to him with a soft nod.
"I'm sorry about this, we'll-"
"It's fine. I can see sensei's not feeling well. Why don't you head home?"
"Thank you, but I would not want to..."
"It's fine." Yuzuki raised a hand. "I'm quite used to this sight. It's a routine, makes the library feel alive for once."
Seishin bowed in gratitude. Once the librarian went on to gather stray cups, he resumed to tugging Toshio upwards.
"Alright, alright, I'm going. You don't have to be so rash about it..."
"I'm sorry." Seishin breathed out. He looped his hands around his friend's shoulders, keeping Toshio upright. The other's feet mixed slightly with the bench, as if performing a dance. Seishin strengthened his hold and Toshio leaned at the table after. His first response to it all was a quip.
"Oh, I swear to Buddha, I hadn't drank that much."
"It's alright. Take it easy..."
"Damn, this is embarrassing." He muttered onwards. Seishin ignored that, since his mind was overtaken by general worry. He had to say, it had been a relief to have a clear mind for once. As the men staggered outside, they paused in front of the damp stairs. Toshio threw his weight on Seishin wholly, causing him to detour into a wall. He exhaled after, steadying himself, so Toshio would not stomp his feet. The cracked cement chilled Seishin's side. That simple discomfort could have stood for a fervid demon, which ominously breathed down his back. They should not rest for long. Every inane object had inflated eyes and ears. As he tried to move, Toshio's body only crushed him further. In return Seishin placed his numb arm around the other's lower back.
"Are you dizzy?"
"I-I think so. I can't recall the last time this happened."
"Huh. Can tobacco have an effect on intoxication?"
Toshio stayed silent for a full minute. The quiet stung their ears, until a piercing laughter came.
"Pfff... No wonder you haven't studied biology."
"I missed, eh?"
"And horribly, Sei..." Toshio looped his arms around the other's throat, nesting his chin on his shoulder. A drunken breath tickled. "So warm... Can we sleep here?" Seishin was about to open his mouth, when Toshio jerked away from the wall, dragging him into the middle of the platform. "It was a joke, you don't need to reprimand me. I think I can go on by myself. Let me go."
"You won't fall down the stairs, right?" Seishin raised an eyebrow, veering towards Toshio's sheepish smile.
"Uhm. I'm... Mildly positive."
A sigh.
"Hold on then." With a swallow Seishin straightened his friend, who unapologetically leaned back, nearly falling. Inwardly, the monk was glad, he didn't let go. Toshio would have cracked his head within seconds.
As they went down the main road, cold air clammed Seishin's nose and his fingers began to shiver pretty soon. He wasn't ready for this shift in the atmosphere. Fall was unpredictable. In the next minute Toshio rose his fingers to cover Seishin's palm, which had lounged on his neck. That sentiment was ignored.
Once they had entered the clinic, Toshio dislodged himself. Seishin cringed. Instantly, his friend fell into his bedroom's wall, as if shot. Fortunately, he managed to grip an edge of a rail and keep himself somewhat upright. With a pant, he leaned on it wholly. Seishin turned on the light, squinting.
"Are you alright, Toshio?"
"Yeah, thank you. I should be able to manage."
"You sure?"
"Ah... I'm surprised you didn't choose to enter through the window."
"I could not drag you in by myself."
"But you haven't tried..." Toshio smiled at his own joke. Unfortunately, his mind spun that idea for too long. "Wait. Have you?"
"No. Of course, not." Seishin went back, rolling out the futon in the middle of the messy room. His feet caught onto loose pages and an edge of a book. Rashly, he pushed them away, before continuing.
"Huh. Look at you, what a housewife. Tell me, why haven't I married you already?" Seishin threw him a glare and Toshio chuckled stiffly. In the end, he kneeled in front of the made bed. "Thanks."
"No problem. Get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." Seishin nodded quickly, intending to stand up. Toshio caught the edge of his sleeve.
"Ne, Sei... I'm grateful you've stuck with me for so long..."
"Uhm... I'll have to leave you eventually."
"Why?"
Seishin was about to open his mouth again, but his throat blocked any sound, which endeavored to slip out. His heart hammered in revolt. What he spoke was a puny wish... As long as he'd stay in Sotoba, he'd lean on Toshio and vice versa. He pinched his bottom lip in the end and cautiously dislodged his friend's fingers. The room had gotten stuffy... A clammed nose did not make it any easier to breathe.
X X X
Sunako's brows creased in worry then... After all these years it had become a mundane sight. Seishin let go of her hand.
"I'll be right back... Wait for me here, Sunako."
With those words he hurried up the mount. The sun had glanced out through the puffy clouds. It had been a rather warm day, due to such generous weather, Sotoba seemed nothing more than a patch of meadow. It showed nothing of past horrors. An occasional charred structure peeked through the greenery, acting like a keen eye, but that was all. Still the memories of that disaster had tormented Seishin to a point, where he resorted to visiting Sotoba's remains once every year. He never went down there. The destruction stood, as a sure sign of an end, yet Seishin had to be reminded again and again. This was another accursed circle, which he had found himself in. He could not forget the past... As long as Seishin breathed, those images would be engraved in his wretched flesh.
As the jinrou neared his usual spot - a sole fir, he saw something dangling from its bark. He stared onwards, like a deer caught in headlights.
Flowers were placed near the lone tree and a thread of weaved cornflowers rested around the bark. Seishin looked around the clear field frantically.
Toshio...
After making sure, that he was alone, Seishin inhaled sharply and came towards it. The thread had wilted, but the various flowers still bloomed by his feet. Their petals quivered with the sudden gust. Had Toshio thought him dead?
Tears threatened to spill. He lifted his head in a pathetic attempt to cease them. Only to the drifting clouds could Seishin admit... He wholeheartedly missed Toshio...
Hopefully, they will never run into each other now.
Some things had to end.