Chapter Text
What is true loneliness? Different people have different meanings for it. Me personally? Loneliness is feeling alone in a room full of people. This vacant hole you keep trying to fill. I thought I knew loneliness, but ever since I lost him it's been so different. I hear my friends talk right next to me and I feel alone. I am included and talked to. Yet I feel so alone. This emptiness I can't fill. I have nobody….. Am I truly this lonely?
" dazai! You asshole! "
I hear a voice shouting my name, I turn my head and see kunikida. He's crossing his arms tapping his foot against the ground.
" I told you to be back before lunch! " he walked over to me.
He softly wacks my back, pushing up his glasses and taking a deep breath.
" I forgot " I say
He groans and pinches the bridge of his nose, once again taking a deep breath.
" Whatever, let's just get back " he turns away.
I let out a chuckle. It's like I could feel him shaking with rage. We start walking back to the office, side by side.
He doesn't look over at me, but I couldn't help myself from looking over at him. I always dismissed him in a way. Here I am looking at him, and I'm taken away with how….with how much I wish he would look back at me.
" pay attention " he cautioned me
I looked away from him, I felt this tight feeling in my chest. It hurt, it hurt so bad.
Why couldn't he look at me the way I want him to?
This empty feeling was slowly consuming me. When we got back we sat down at our desks. He immediately goes back to doing paperwork. I sighed. Loudly.
" you haven't even started working, what has you sighing? " he raises and eyebrow at me
I look over at him, he has this stern look on his face. He's always so angry, or strict with himself and others. He's staring back at me, his eyes were so pretty I suppose I could say.
" I hate doing paperwork " I casually say
He glares
" Could you do it for me? " I asked
He takes his glasses off, I could feel my stomach twist.
" I hate you " he rubs his eyes aggressively
I cross my arms and huff out.
" kunikida is so heartless! " I look upwards and away.
I could tell he was trying not to yell at me. Not when he had important things to do today. He couldn't deal with me.
I really wanted him to though.
He put his glasses back on. Putting his hand out to me.
" give it to me before I change my mind "
He looked away, my eyes widened.
I smile and I smile big a cheesy stupid smile. I give him my paperwork, I don't say a thing about it. I act like I don't care, like it was the most meaningless thing that happened. He places with his others.
" wipe that stupid smile off your face "
Yet it didn't sound harsh at all, it kinda sounded sweet? I try my best to stop, but seeing him work so hard. Even though he had a whole day scheduled out. He would throw it all off for me?
Was I crazy thinking this?
Was this as stupid way of thinking?
When did I get so stupid?
I felt myself reaching out for him, but he's always just a few feet away. I can never fully hold on to him. Could never really hold him. How could I? It's like he's so far away from me. I wanted to grab him, to pull him close. I don't even remember when I started feeling this way, when I could no longer bear these feelings. After a while kunikida stood up, I watched him as he did so.
" let's go dazai we got things to do " he says
I stood up.
" Can I drive!? " I ask
He gives me a ick expression, like that was the worst idea he's ever heard.
" You almost killed me last time! " he shouts
" did not! " I shouted back
" I'm a good driver! " I state
" yeah if it was for babies! "
We started walking out, him going on a ramble about how I'm banned from driving. I don't think I'm that bad at driving.
I looked out the window, watching as we passed by. I could feel kunikida looking at me. I was quiet, in fact I've barely been talking a lot.
" out with it " he says
I look over at him confused, he rolls his eyes at me.
" go on say what you have to say "
He wanted to hear me talk? I thought he hated it? He never really liked anything I said before. He looked back at the road, stopping at the stop light.
" I think I'm going to kill myself "
He didn't say anything, in fact he didn't even look upset. Or angry, annoyed I wanted him to. To be annoyed at me like he usually is. I hated this feeling, this feeling of wanting him.
It's so easy to ignore it when he's harsh.
" why? " he said softly
I could feel my chest start hurting again, I could feel the lump forming in the back of my throat. He looked at me, his eyes were soft. Like he was gazing at the moon. He then looked away. The light turned green and he started driving again.
" you don't need to tell me….but I'd prefer you not " he basically whispers
I don't know how to respond, wasn't he tired of me? He shouldn't care about me.
" the ada needs you "
" i-.... Like I said the ada needs you and it would be stupid to kill yourself "
I wanted to know what he was going to say, but I doubt he'd ever tell me. I smile and start laughing.
" The ada has you " I point to him
He shakes his head, as if what I said wasn't good enough of an answer. I don't really have a good reason now do I?
" I knew you were stupid, but I didn't know you were that stupid "
" What do you mean by that!? " I ask
He smiles and parks the car, I feel my heart flutter. As if I was seeing the most beautiful thing in the world.
Was I really stupid?
" I thought ex-mafia executives were supposed to be smart " he looks back at me
I wanted to say something, to tell him exactly how I felt. I couldn't though.
" I'm not stupid! "
He undid his seatbelt. I followed suit.
" Yeah sure you aren't " he opens the car door
We get out and stand in front of a building, I look over at him. something I always do now.
" Why are we here again? " I ask
" To work out some things with the port mafia we are meeting with one of their executives " he starts walking in.
I followed walking in with him. When we got to the room there stood chuuya Nakahara.
I wanted to throw up, to run and keep running until I dropped dead. When he looked at me it was like my whole world stopped.
" I thought I said I didn't want dazai to be with you? " He nagged at kunikida
" Presidents orders " kunikida crosses his arms
Chuuya looked at kunikida. I haven't talked to chuuya in a while, I couldn't bring myself to. After I started feeling this misery. I stopped, I hated him. He was the worst thing to ever happen to me.
He would ignore me, tell me to just die already. I guess that's my fault though. Wasn't I the one that left him?
" Whatever then what do you want?" Chuuya sat down
Kunikida and I sat down as well. Chuuya had a gunman standing behind him. He didn't need him though.
" We want to make sure the port mafia won't betray us " kunikida states
Chuuya looks at him with an annoyed expression, he hates being seen as a betrayer.
That's probably why he started hating me, why I started hating him as well.
" Why would we betray you? " Chuuya barks out
Kunikida stayed quiet for a moment, he's thinking about how to go about this. How to deal with chuuya. Does he do that with me?
" We are just taking extra precautions "
Chuuya leaned back and crossed his arms, looking at me for a second. He couldn't hold his eyes on me.
" How am I supposed to know the agency won't betray us? "
He was much more professional than I remember. Using his words wisely not getting overly emotional.
Kunikida sat up straighter than he was before.
" I swear if the agency betrays you, you could take my life "
My eyes widened and I quickly moved my head to look at him. He seemed so confident and so sure of himself. As if he knew the agency would never do that. Chuuya growled but smiled at kunikida's words.
" I like what you're saying " chuuya leans forward
That was that, chuuya and his gunman left first. Kunikida was walking to the door before I grabbed him, pulling him by his collar.
" Don't ever put your life on the line again! " I shout
He looks at me surprised. I couldn't help it. I couldn't lose him as well. Not when I can barely reach out to him.
He grabs my hand, pulling it away from him. I wished he'd yell at me already. to tell me I'm being stupid, and not in a gentle way. I want him to hurt me. To reject me already... I don't want to feel this lonely around him.
" Don't be ridiculous " he mumbles
" I have faith the agency wouldn't allow that, that you wouldn't allow that " he says
I let go stepping back. He had faith in me? He trusted me? Me a betrayer. Someone who's killed people. Someone who's selfish enough to get angry over a person who doesn't even love him back?
He fixed his shirt and vest.
" now let's go I have an important scheduled day that you are ruining " he turns away from me.
He just washed over it, like it didn't matter as much as I thought it does. To be honest I've never really asked kunikida about his interest in life. Besides being overly obsessed with his schedules.
" weren't you a math teacher? " I asked
He sighed deeply as we got into the car, he was definitely one. That I can remember.
" I was a part-time math teacher. Why does that matter? " he asked
Pulling the car out and starting to drive, it didn't actually I just wanted him to talk to me. About anything related to him.
Hoping I would feel less lonely
" Oh yeah! You dropped out of college! "
I laughed as he gripped tightly at the steering wheel. Clearly it irritated him, but it was funny at least.
" I prefer you not talking "
I smiled we didn't say anything after that, when we got back to the office atsushi was back from his mission.
" dazai! " atsushi comes up to me
I smile at him.
" How'd your mission go? "
" I solved the case all by myself! " he smiles brightly
Kunikida sat down, finishing the last of his paperwork. Atsushi and I walked to our desks. Atsushi told me everything that happened.
" isn't that crazy!? " he keeps smiling
I nod at him.
" get to doing your report atsushi! " kunikida points to the report on atsushi desk.
Atsushi sighed and started filling it out. I leaned back, kicking my feet up. Kunikida glanced at me for a second. We stayed like that for thirty minutes. Atsushi says something every once in a while.
" wait he used poison sweets!? " I asked happy
Atsushi nodded
" yeah! That's why so many people were getting sick! " he informs me
" dammit! I could of killed myself " I sigh
My head falling back, I stared at the ceiling.
" uh-.....please don't kill yourself dazai " atsushi tries comforting me.
Kunikida stood up Abruptly. Atsushi and me look over at him.
" I'll be back "
" make sure to finish your work "
He starts leaving, I want to go with him, I don't have a reason to though. If he leaves though, I'd feel…. I'd feel so lonely.
Loneliness is something I've always known, I'd fill that loneliness with many things in life. People, objects. Yet it's been feeling like agony, unbearable pain I constantly felt throughout my body. I would go see chuuya, I would be with him. Hoping it'd feel this empty space in me. It wasn't good enough for some reason. It would stop it all before. I used him, he used me. Now? Now I don't know anymore. Being with kunikida is painful, being away from him is even more.
I stand up and go to kunikida, who's already out the door.
" wait! " I shout
He stops and waits, hands in his pockets. I smile, shutting the door behind me.
" better be on your best behavior! " he scolds me
" Yes sir! " I salute him
He starts walking down the stairs and I do the same. It was quiet once again. We walked around the city.
" This is your important scheduled day? Doesn't seem important " I break the silence
" it's healthy to take a walk around, relieves stress " he doesn't even look at me
" so does sex " I input
He stops walking, I stop and turn to face him. He looks embarrassed? He looks at me.
" not everyone is going to have sex with just anybody to relieve stress " he starts walking again
" That's why you do it with somebody you love! It's about bonding " I nod proud of myself
He opens his mouth, but doesn't say anything; he just sighs again.
Walking around started actually making me feel better, I always did it but it never felt this relaxing. We stopped by the ocean. It was pretty and I was at peace.
" dazai "
I turn my head looking at kunikida, his eyes are on the sea. He has his hands in his pocket. His glasses moved down just a bit.
" yeah? " I respond
He doesn't answer right away. I could feel my heart beating through my chest. I was scared.
" some people just can't love properly "
My heart stopped, he seemed so defeated saying it. As if he had given up on it already. He faced me fully.
" that bond will just hurt both people "
He sounded like he knew this to be true, like it was a fact and it pissed me off. What did he know about this? His ideals.
His stupid fucking ideals.
The exact thing keeping him from finding someone, the exact thing that's going to ruin him. He doesn't know anything! He's heartless he's a fucking heartless bastard.
" I don't think you have the right to say anything " I said
" I wasn't talking about you dazai "
He put his hand on my shoulder as he walked past me.
" I wouldn't say that about you "
I didn't respond, I didn't turn and go after him. I didn't do anything. I should have. I just stood there looking down quietly, like I had nothing to say. I did! I did have something to say. The way he said my name, it was so soft and it made me feel better about myself.
Was this the rejection I was asking for?
I didn't think it'd hurt this badly, I didn't think he'd actually do it. Dammit I didn't even think he knew! Was I this pathetic that he knew? Was that why he was being more nice? Was I just some fragile person to him? Did he think I'd do something stupid!? What was I to him, a dumbass? Someone who acts on emotion! If anything it's him!
So why was I drinking so much all of a sudden? I haven't gone to work in days. I haven't left my dormitory. My stomach hurts my chest hurts my heart hurts. He's the worst type of person. There was knocking on my door. Loud banging knocking. I didn't want to open it though.
" I swear I'll kick this door down if you don't open up right now! " kunikida shouted
I groaned as I got up and walked to the door, and I opened it. He pushed himself in I shut the door.
" What do you want? " I asked
He faces me
" you haven't been to work in days! The hell do you mean what do I want!? " He is glaring at me.
I don't know if I looked upset by him being here, or if he had a change in heart. He took a deep breath and looked around.
" No wonder you're depressed, you don't clean up after yourself! "
He immediately started cleaning up, doesn't he schedule out his days? I walked over to my futon and went back to laying down. I didn't want to clean, I didn't want to do anything.
" Jesus Christ it's like you live off scraps " he goes through my refrigerator.
" leave my lifestyle alone! " I put the blanket over my head.
" Seriously, no wonder you're depressed! This is not a healthy way of living! "
Since when did he care? When did I become important to him?
I could hear him picking up the trash and shit on my floor. He didn't bug me, he didn't talk to me. He made comments here and there but never directed them to me. I closed my eyes tightly when I heard footsteps coming to me.
" get your ass up and go shower "
I didn't listen, I didn't want to, I wanted him to take care of me. To make me feel better. He pulls the blanket off me, kneeling by my side.
" come on dazai I'll drag you there if I have to so get up "
I open my eyes, I sit up, head hanging low. I sat there for a moment staring at my hands.
" don't let it get to you " he says
I look at him, he is staring back at me with warm eyes. His face is relaxed and he isn't rushing to do anything.
" I didn't schedule today because I'm here to help you so be grateful, go take a shower before I'll get you some food to eat " he stood up
He started walking to the door.
" plus there's no way I could have done anything with a plan with how unpredictable you are " he opens the door
Before he leaves he stays there for a second, he then shuts the door. I pull my knees to my chest, I hate this feeling. This horrible feeling! I can't stand it, it's so overwhelming. I can't do anything with this feeling. Clawing at me telling me he'd never love me.
I'm so lonely aren't I?
I stand up, make my way to the small bathroom. I feel helpless, I feel my body shaking. Why am I so selfish? Why can't I let go already!? I'm drowning in this abyss. I didn't think I'd actually try. My body hurts, the water is burning me. I lay here fully clothed. Kunikida is going to be so mad at me. At some point I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I heard someone calling my name, I couldn't answer. My voice was gone. The door opened, I guess I didn't lock it.
" DAZAI! "
Why was kunikida yelling so loudly?
I passed out
When I woke up I was in the hospital, I looked over and saw kunikida sitting by the bed. He had his glasses on his head. He was reading something. He looked over at me.
" you're a fucking dick you know that? "
I smiled at him, he sighed and shook his head.
" go back to sleep you need rest " he looked away
" I think I might be in love with you " I finally said
He didn't look at me.
" you don't have good taste " he replied
Was that the reason? He didn't like himself? Is that why he refuses to live life freely? I sat up.
" I think you fit my ideals perfectly "
He looks at me with a surprised expression, his eyes a little wide as he looks back at me.
he chuckles and puts down what he was reading.
" I think you're unwell " he states
Putting his glasses back on his face properly. He stands up and I immediately grab his arm. He looks down at me.
" Don't think I'm not pissed at you now "
I look up at him.
" I told you the agency needs you! " he shouts
Was it all hitting him now?
" What the hell were you thinking!? That you'd just kill yourself and everything would be fine? I need you dazai! You aren't the only one relying on people! "
He sounds angry but he doesn't look angry, he looks hurt…scared….he needs me? I hold onto his arm tighter.
He takes a deep breath and puts his hand on my head.
" I promise I'm not going to leave " he says
His hand ran through my hair before being at his side again. I feel my eyes burn, I look down and my throat hurts. I let go of him, and he sat down. I started crying, he didn't react. I sat there crying, sobbing, hiccups, sniffing. My throat hurt even more from the crying. My head hurts. I'm so exhausted.
" killing yourself wouldn't have saved you from feeling this way, you'd die feeling the thing you hated the most "
I could only cry more, I was so selfish wasn't I? Trying to kill myself and immediately after telling him how I felt. Blaming him for how I felt, never considering his own feelings.
Kunikida stayed with me the whole few days in the hospital. When we got back to my dorm he had cleaned up the bathroom. Made sure there was food for me here. He sat me down and sat in front of me. Pulling out bandages. I watched as he took mine off to switch them out.
" you make me feel so lonely " I whisper
" I told you some people can't love properly….it would hurt the both of us " he started wrapping my wrist in the bandages.
I was okay with that, I was okay with not having him. I was okay with being lonely, as long as he could stay in my life.
This was the rejection I was asking for.
Suddenly he wasn't so pushy with me about doing work. Atsushi started asking what had gotten into him.
" he's being so nice to you " he whispers to me
" I tried killing myself! " I say happily
Kunikida looks at me.
" shut up with sounding happy about it " he looks away
I smile at atsushi who is nervously pulling at his cat tail. Kunikida stands up, he doesn't have to say anything for me to know. I stand up and walk with him out the office. Atsushi stared at us confused.
" you're going to traumatize that boy " kunikida said
" He's fine! " I assure
He keeps walking, I walk with him.
" did you change your bandages? " he asked
" nope! " I smile
" ack! Why not!? " he shouts softly
I look at him, I was stupid indeed.
" I like when you do it for me "
He looks at me and sighs in defeat, but doesn't hesitate to whack me softly on the the head.
" I told you I can't keep taking care of you "
" But kunikida!!! " I pout
He rolls his eyes and starts walking faster, I keep up the speed.
This lonely feeling wasn't that bad anymore, I didn't feel swallowed up by it. I could move freely without my body aching. I could stand next to kunikida without feeling so alone.
He grabbed me, pulling me from walking across the street.
" Dumbass, wait for the light! "
I started laughing, uncontrollably at that, he groaned and crossed his arms.
" this isn't funny! " he demanded I stop
I was out of breath, trying to stop. I thought it was funny that he wanted me to be careful.
" i'm sorry " I breath out
He starts walking when the light goes green. I follow after him. When I reached out to grab him, he was right there. He stopped walking and turned to me.
" what? " he asked
" nothing " I said
Letting go of him, we kept on our walk. I smiled knowing I could reach out to him. Knowing he'd be right there.
We ended up going to my dorm, so he could change out my bandages. Everytime he did he was gentle. His hands were soft and rough at the exact same time. I usually stayed quiet, not wanting to say anything about it. He never brings it up, he doesn't ask me about it. He simply says things here and there. Reassuring me that he understands, that he's there if I need him.
" I don't feel so lonely anymore "
He looked at me.
" I'm glad "
Every other day we'd go on our walks, he said that I needed to do it. That it'd help me, but I refused to do it alone. So kunikida started scheduling into his day. Finding ways to put it in there. Adding an extra few minutes because I'd keep us off track.
I walked into kunikida's dorm, he was walking around. My eyes widened. He looked at me confused.
" holy shit kunikida! " he said loudly
" what!? " he asked worried
" I've never seen you with your hair down! " I state
It was a beautiful sight. He rolled his eyes and walked to the table, placing down the cup he had in his hand. I walked over to him after shutting the door. I couldn't help it, I had to! I started playing with his hair. It was long and soft, I wonder how well he took care of it.
" Why the hell are you touching my hair? " he asks
Yet he doesn't stop me, doesn't push me away. He stands there looking at me.
" Can I put it up? " I asked
" you know how to do that? "
" yeah! It's basic knowledge! "
" I know that you're just stupid "
I gently pulled his hair after hearing that…or maybe it was a little hard.
" the the actual fuck!? " he curse
" I wasn't supposed to be that hard!!! "
I start running my fingers through his hair, trying to display gentleness. He sighs and hands me his hair tie. He smiled at me, it was a small one. He sat down and I started gathering his hair together. He was quiet. I assumed he wasn't coming into work today, I mean he wasn't at the office that's why I came here.
" Are you staying in today? " I ask
" it's healthy to have a day in which you relax and take care of yourself " he states
What was his obsession with health, he's probably not even taking care of himself properly. He is but clearly he isn't!
I finished and stepped back, smiling proud of myself. He stands up and pushes the chair in.
" thanks " he says
I nod
" Why didn't you do anything in the hospital? "
It slipped out, I've been wondering about it for a while. He just sat there well I cried. He looks at me.
" It's important to get what you feel out, surviving an attempt is one of the hardest things a person can go through " he goes to his sink with the cup.
" Imagine having all these emotions and when you finally decide to do it you survive? " he adds on
" if you don't let it out then you might do it again "
He puts the cup in the sink. He doesn't look at me, I walk over to him. When he turns to walk away, I pull him into a hug.
He freezes for a moment, my head buried in his shoulder. It was a minute before he finally hugged me back. His hand wrapped around my lower back and held my head. I thought I seemed like a kid. Holding onto him.
" it's going to be okay " he whispers
I hug him tighter, I don't want to lose him, I don't want to leave him. I feel so comforted by him. His words, his touch.
" I can't do it without you " I mumble out
I hear him chuckling softly, as if I said something wrong.
" Who said I was leaving? " he asked
He pulled me away from the hug, a soft smile on his face. I stare at him. I want to cry, cry in a good way in a way that feels good.
He pulled me in and kissed me. My eyes widened, I smiled and kissed back. His lips were soft and he was gentle, it was sweet.
" I love you too "