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Four years after they get together, their daughter is born. She came into the world screaming, tufts of brown hair already on her head. She was tiny, bundled in a little yellow blanket when they finally got to meet her. Her eyes were wide, staring everywhere though she couldn’t actually see much. They named her Abigail after talking about baby names for months. They fell in love with her the moment they saw her.
Nine months later is her first Christmas. Steve was determined to make it perfect. A perfect Christmas for their perfect little family.
They went to find a tree on Black Friday. Steve dragged Eddie out of bed at 7AM, the man complaining the entire time. He was slightly hungover from the holiday celebration the day before. Abby was cranky as they got her ready, whining a bit and bursting into crocodile tears as they bundled her in her coat. She hated her coat for some reason, probably because it was big and puffy, making it hard for her to move much. She was always moving, just like Eddie.
“It’s okay, Sweetpea. I wanna cry a little too from being up this early.” Eddie murmured to her, kissing her cheek gently. Steve rolled his eyes. “Next time we’ll make Daddy go back to sleep.”
“It’s better to get there early! And we’ll have first pick of trees!” Steve argued, crossing his arms. He couldn’t help the soft smile on his face as he watched Eddie hold their daughter. It was the perfect little picture and he wished he could live in the moment forever. The last nine months had been full of tears from all three of them. Sometimes Steve thought that they’d made a huge mistake, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world.
“Sure, sure Stevie. Gotta get ahead of the crowds. Can’t have anything but the best little tree.” Eddie teased, zipping up Abby’s coat and hefting her onto his hip. “After you, my liege.”
Steve laughed, kissing Eddie’s cheek and then Abby’s. “We’re gonna get the best one.”
The tree farm wasn’t as crowded as Steve expected it to be. There were multiple families out looking for a tree, but not nearly as many as were out shopping the department store deals. They wandered around, Abby bundled up tightly in her stroller, carefully maneuvering between the rows of trees. Steve surveyed each tree carefully, thinking about how big he wanted to go and looking for one that was full of branches, no bare spots. After an hour, Eddie stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Come on, Baby. The last three you pointed out were great. You keep finding tiny problems with them. What’s going on?”
Of course he’d noticed how tense Steve was, how he couldn’t just pick a damn tree. He ran his hand through his hair with a sigh. “I just wanna find the perfect one, Eds. We have to find one that’s perfect. When we decorate it I want it to look perfect. I want everything to be perfect.”
“You keep saying ‘perfect.’ Stevie, you’ve picked out like six perfect trees by now.” Eddie frowned and Steve could tell he didn’t understand. He didn’t get it.
“Only one can be perfect so none of those were.” he responded, crossing his arms. Logically he knew Eddie was right, but there had been small things wrong with them. Things that would bother him. Things that would ruin Christmas!
“Sweetheart, you’re tense as hell, talk to me. I wanna understand what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.” He took Steve’s hand, squeezing it gently.
Steve looked over at the covered stroller, imagining he could see his little girl sleeping in there. All bundled up and oblivious of the world. She deserved the world and he wanted to give it to her. “I want everything to be perfect for her. She deserves perfection, Eds. She deserves to have the best first Christmas we can give her. I need her to know how much we love her. How much I love her.”
He felt Eddie’s arms wrap around him, squeezing gently. “Stevie, it doesn’t have to be perfect. She’s not even gonna remember her first Christmas. She sure as hell is gonna know how much we love her.”
“But what if she doesn’t? What if I fuck up? What if she grows up and thinks I don’t love her? I dealt with that Eddie, I know how that feels.” He was shaking now and it had nothing to do with the cold. He thought about how lonely it was growing up. How he’d just wished his parents were home for Christmas instead of leaving him alone to open his presents. Things he hadn’t wanted, not really.
Eddie pulled away, hands on each side of Steve’s face, forcing him to look him in the eye. “Steve, you aren’t your parents. You tell her you love her constantly. You spend as much time as you can with her. You will never be your parents.”
There were tears streaming down his face as he took Eddie’s words in. It was his biggest fear, to become them. To end up neglecting Abby and making her feel like a burden. He knew that he would rather die than have that happen, but what if the apple didn’t fall from the tree? What if he did it without even realizing?
“You promise?”
“Sweetheart, I promise. You’re an amazing father. She’s gonna end up loving you more than me when she grows up, I just know it. And she should, you deserve for everyone to love you the most.” He brought their foreheads together. “Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be us together.”
Steve took a steadying breath, closing his eyes. “You’re right. As long as we’re together it’ll be perfect.”
“And even if it isn’t perfect, it’ll be good. It’ll be happy and she’ll love it. Now, let’s find a tree and then we can go home and put it up. Then we’ll have some hot chocolate and cuddle on the couch watching some cheesy ass Christmas movies.”
“Yeah. Yeah, let's go.”