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Malcolm Graves did not want to admit it, but he was afraid.
‘Didn’t want to’ was an understatement really. You couldn’t pay him to do it, and that was saying something because you could pay him to do a lot of things. But not this. Hell. He’d rather die.
Which also says something because he’d tried very very hard not to die on numerous occasions so far in his life. He especially didn’t want to die now because things were supposed to be good and he wouldn’t want to ruin that.
He says ‘supposed’, because they are good- really, they are. But it doesn’t feel that way because he’s afraid. Hence why he won’t admit it to anyone but himself. He’d rather ignore it, for the sake of enjoying what his partner was calling their ‘vacation’.
Thinking of it as such felt odd. What that means for them is that if they’re doing something dangerous or risking their lives that it’s for fun rather than for necessity. Their usual antics certainly don’t come to a standstill.
As much as he hates to say it, Malcolm wishes they would, just for a while.
Because thanks to T.F’s plans- their vacation was in Piltover. Mainly out of convenience thanks to the fact that they already owned an apartment- but also because Piltover- in a few words- was shiny and new and brimming with valuable gadgets and jewels and what have you that could so easily be snatched up. But the trouble with Piltover was the reason it was so well reputed and pristine, was its tight public security.
Malcolm had already lost count of how many enforcers he’d seen just on the way to the apartment. If he looked out the window he was almost certain he’d see too many for his liking. They lined the streets like statues, yet were constantly patrolling. There hadn’t been quite so many the last time they’d been in the area, the thought causing an uncomfortable anxiety to settle in his bones.
He knew it was unreasonable but part of him thought maybe they knew who he was, what he’d done. Maybe they were waiting for the right moment to ambush him and take him right back to the locker. Of course that was ridiculous- if they were going to do that they would have gone ahead the moment he and T.F stepped off the airship. No, that wasn’t going to happen, but it could and that was the problem.
After what they’d been through together, he had no doubt T.F would understand, but he himself had no idea how to put any of it into words. Tobias knew the locker had well and truly fucked him up . He’d made that clear. But it wasn’t enough, his partner was never going to know what it was like, and he was never going to be able to tell him.
And now they were in piltover and there was no point in killing the mood by digging up old wounds. (Even if said old wounds still stung fiercely at the thought of a job going wrong in piltover of all places). Malcolm can’t help it though.
He was away from what he’d usually call home (this was too nice to be ‘home’ and the only thing similar to it was the man in his arms) and he’d tried and failed to sleep hours ago. It made him feel restless, already amplifying the fear that was thrumming beneath his skin. Feeling safe was never the appeal of his lifestyle but for once he thinks he’d like to.
He was no stranger to rough nights but after so much travel, it’d been a while since he’d had one with Tobias in the same bed. The other was curled inwards with his head pressed to Malcolm’s chest, arms pulled close to his own. The black haired man was a graceful sleeper, which was expected really. Graves could spend all night admiring him. He’d started off doing so, eyes drifting across his features and unable to comprehend how he looked so peaceful. The other was certain that he didn’t look nearly as pretty when he slept.
That wasn’t the point. Admiring T.F was easy but it wasn’t what had kept him awake for so long. No. It was because Malcolm loves him. He knows he loves him. The realisation seemed to sneak up on him every so often during moments like this. There’s no real reason for it, it just sinks in. He’s in a fancy bed in a Piltovian apartment, with the man he loves in his arms.
And for some reason that makes him scared.
He knew the reason. The reason was that he’d gone ten years without any kind of luxury, without freedom, without love that he was scared to let himself indulge, because here, in a city full of enforcers, he could lose it all over again.
And he could tell himself he wouldn’t all he liked. He didn’t want to think about the possibility. But his mind doesn’t care what he wants and it just won’t stop thinking about it- Ironic really. He wasn’t exactly renowned for thinking straight, then when he’s trying not to, the thoughts come one after the other all telling him he was going to lose everything.
He couldn’t go back to that.
It was odd to ponder, but he hated T.F once. He hated him. He doesn’t think he ever wanted him dead but he wanted to kill him. He’d wasted 10 years, 10 goddamn years hating him. When really he knew loving Tobias was probably one of the only good things he’d ever done and he couldn’t stand the thought that he’d lose that too.
There was a nagging fear in the back of his mind that the next time something goes south, Fate would leave all over again. Graves knew he could be stupid, he knew he was more than capable of fucking up. He would fuck up eventually and if that happened in a place like this then he was certain Fate wouldn’t hesitate to run.
It was unlikely to say the least- Tobias wouldn’t leave him unless he had to, Graves knew that, but he also knew he could create circumstances in which running would be the other’s only option. Malcolm wasn’t exactly careful and he was terrified that it would cost him everything. That Fate would have to abandon him, and he’d go back to hating him.
Hate is the wrong word.
He can’t think of a better one. ( He doesn’t want to admit that it was all fuelled by hurt, because he didn’t have the right to be.)
Whatever it was, he doesn’t want to feel it again. Doesn’t know if he could live through it, in all honesty ( being honest felt strange.)
The thought of going back to it makes him sick to his stomach and he doesn’t realise, but he tightens his hold on the man in his arms. Tries to tell himself that he’s warm and here and not freezing alone in a cell, bruised and bleeding. His breath shudders as he imagines going back and how he can’t go back, he can’t, he can’t , he can’t-
Before he knows it- he can feel tears beginning to well up in his eyes, his chest growing tight as each breath comes faster than the last. It feels so pathetic. Graves was never much of a crier, he knew he had his limits, but he didn’t understand what had pushed him to them this time, or why this had to happen now.
He grits his teeth, stubborn even against his own body’s whims. It does little to stop the tears but it successfully stifles any sobs before they can leave his throat. He pulls Tobias closer, subconsciously. Just to know he’s there, just to feel the soft rise and fall of his chest. He tries to follow the other’s breathing, failing to the point of frustration.
He clenches his jaw and eyes in tandem, angry at the sheer unfairness of it all. That he’d been there for a fucking decade and that wasn’t enough was it? He still had to hurt now even after he was out. Still had to be scared that he’d end up back there. He’d lost count of how many scars it’d given him, they all seem to burn now, taunting him.
Graves was too caught up in his panic to notice the tentative shuffling in his arms, Tobias now roused out of his slumber. He opened his eyes lazily, taking his time collecting his bearings before he felt Malcolm’s unsteady breathing. It shocked him to full consciousness, telling him something was wrong and he needed to do something.
Because in all his time with Graves- he knew the other was never much of a crier, so for him to be in such a state? Means something must be very wrong. T.F didn’t want to startle the other, slowly shuffling in his arms until their faces were level. Graves must know he’s awake now, but he doesn’t say anything, expression contorted in what looks like nothing but pain and distress .
The sight makes something in his chest ache.
He can feel his own expression shift with worry, gently bringing his hands to cup the other’s face. Even as he holds Graves- he still gets no response, his concern only growing. “Mal?” he tries, whispering softly. “Hey, Mal? What’s wrong?” He punctuates each syllable with gentle strokes of his thumbs against the other’s cheeks. The only sounds were his voice, and Graves’ stifled cries, the quiet around them was suffocating.
It takes a second before Malcolm mumbles, defiant. “Go back to sleep, Tobi.” Before Tobias can retort, he insists, weakly “‘m fine.”
The black haired man wipes a tear from the other’s face, his expression pained with concern as he replies “You’re not fine, Mal. You’re crying. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
Graves scoffs- he says that as if he doesn’t know it. Of course he’s not fine, he doesn’t know if he ever really will be. The scoff quickly morphs into a sob, and Graves tries to pull away, lowering his head as if to hide.
T.F’s hands keep him in place, hushing softly and continuing to speak. “Mal, you can talk to me.”
He knows that of course he does, but he just can’t get the words out. His mind is cruel and seems to be against him. It tells him that T.F doesn’t need to hear about this, that it’ll make him see that Graves isn’t worth his time. He couldn’t believe he’d called the other a coward once only to behave like one himself. It was pathetic . He shakes his head, opening his mouth to speak only for his breath to catch. He snaps it shut before he humiliates himself further.
Meanwhile seeing his partner in such a state leaves T.F upset if only on the other’s behalf. It filled him with a strange kind of guilt, making him feel almost incompetent. This wasn’t something that could be magically solved, and for some reason that discouraged him greatly, but he was willing to do whatever was needed to calm the other. So, patiently, he waits.
There’s a minute or so of silence, occasionally broken by a hitching breath or punched-out cry before Graves manages to speak. Getting the words together is hard but he owed Tobias an explanation after having woken him up. “I’m-“ he’s scared. And he can’t say it. Instead, he settles for- “I can’t lose this.”
T.F’s brows furrowed in confusion as he asks, “lose what?” He receives a sigh in response, before his partner explains.
“I don’t know,” he sounds frustrated, unable to find the right words. Not even sure he knows what he means. “I lost everything, Tobias. For ten goddamn years.”
The other man immediately feels the urge to apologise, every mention of his partner’s time in the Locker filled him with a strange kind of guilt. But this wasn’t about him. He lets Graves keep talking, moving a hand to run it through his hair gently as he does.
“And I know you won't leave me again.” Graves hastily adds, “but I think I forget sometimes. I know it was never as simple as you running off, I know I fucked up too.” He says dejectedly. “I could do it again, and that scares me because I don’t want to drive you away and I sure as hell don’t want to end up back there. I don’t know what I’d do, Tobi.”
The self deprecating tone leaves T.F slightly alarmed. Malcolm was the most stubborn bastard he knew- trying to get him to admit he’d made a mistake was a difficult if not impossible feat. He knew he wasn’t exactly good at feelings, or talking about them, but regardless, now would be a good time to step in. “Malcolm, you fucking up doesn’t make me leaving you okay.” It was concerning really, to see how the other man had gone from directing the blame and hatred he’d once had for T.F, at himself. Tobias cursed himself for not realising sooner.
“Hell, I’ll never stop regretting it. I left because I was scared .” Graves seems to almost flinch at that, surprised at how easily his partner admits it. Tobias simply continues his ministrations and explains further. “I thought it was you or me, and I chose myself. But those years without you…I don’t think I’d ever been so lonely.”
“I’m sorry,” Graves interjects, “I never should have-“ before he can begin rambling, Tobias cuts him off. Not maliciously, but he knew how much the other could spiral if permitted. It was better to nip it in the bud.
“Mal, hindsight is twenty-twenty.” He states, matter-of-factly.”We both should have done things differently. What matters is we don’t fuck up the same ways and make the same mistakes.” He sighs, softly, closing his eyes as if remembering pained him. “Leaving you was probably my worst, and I’m never going to do it again.” He tightens his hold on the other man, whispering softly. “It’s cliche, I know, but If you go down I’m going with you.”
Malcolm makes a choked sound at that, burying his face in T.F’s shoulder and holding him impossibly close. Graves’ shoulders begin to shake as he once again begins to cry, somewhat overwhelmed. He didn’t know how to feel about that, really. It was sickeningly sweet but he didn’t want to be the reason for Tobias’ death or capture, frankly he doesn’t think he’d be able to live with himself.
“I don’t deserve that.” He sobs,his next words rushed and panicked “I don’t know why I ever hated you. I never wanted you dead, I’m glad you didn’t end up like me, you deserve better than tha-“
“You need to start showing yourself the same level of respect, Mr.” It feels like chastising a child, stating the obvious. He doesn’t understand exactly what goes on in Malcolm’s head. It makes him feel almost inept, so he says, soft yet sternly. “Don’t make me choose. You can’t care for me like that and claim you don’t deserve it back. That’s not how this works. It’s a two way street.”
Graves goes quiet at that, still shaking occasionally but silent. He’s holding his breath. He feels like he’s unable to think, unable to pick anything out from the thoughts swarming through his mind. He doesn’t know how to deal with the knowledge. Knowing that Tobias is willing to sacrifice so much for him. Knowing he’s loved. It’s a lot of responsibility and frankly taking responsibility is something he’s never been good at. It’s a lot.
“złotko?” the other says, concerned by the other’s prolonged quiet. “Are you hearing me?” Sometimes Graves got lost in moments like this, drifting and spacing out until it was like he wasn’t there. Tobias hoped that wasn’t the case.
He doesn’t expect the response he gets, as Graves chokes out, almost inaudibly,
“I love you.” It comes out as a whine, muffled yet clear enough to leave T.F’s eyes wide and heart aching beneath his ribs. “I love you so fucking much.”
He knew that already- of course he did. But they never really stated it, not like this. Maybe the last time they thought they were both going to die- but not when they were alone in bed, in the dead of night. It left Tobias feeling almost stunned. It takes him a moment to come back to himself but when he does he practically melts into Graves’ arms, tightening his own hold on him as he whispers,”I know”.He stops stroking back the other man’s hair in order to lean back and cup his face, leaving them eye to eye. “ I love you too, Kochanie.”
Graves squeezes his eyes shut, another tear rolling down his cheek before Tobias gently wipes it away with his thumb. Unexpectedly, Graves laughs softly to himself before he says “Keep talking like that and the mood‘ll shift real fast.”
The sudden change in his tone catches Tobias off guard, but pleasantly. He chuckles in response, smiling as he teases “You like that, hm, słonko ?.”
Graves groans exaggeratedly. “Oh you know I do, don’t act like you don’t Tobi.” He then glances down at the other’s lips before leaning in- only to be stopped by T.F’s hand. He pulls back and whines as the black haired man laughs.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Hotshot.” He punctuates the sentence with a tap on Graves’ nose before he explains. “We’re not done talking yet.”
He feels somewhat guilty as he sees Malcolm’s expression sink back into distress. He avoids T.F’s gaze as he says. “I don’t know what to say, Tobi- I’m sorry for waking you up? I didn’t mean-“
“Mal that’s not what I meant- you don’t have to be sorry.”
“I do though. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.” He sighs heavily “I just..I don’t want to drive you away is all-“
Tobias can’t help but roll his eyes, interrupting boldly as he says. “Malcolm Graves.” The other man jolts at the use of his full name, eyes snapping to meet T.F’s “How long have we known each other?”
Graves squints, looking away with furrowed brows as he tries to do the math, drawing a soft laugh from the other. “Let me rephrase that. How has it not been long enough for you to realise I’m sticking around?”
Graves scoffs. “Okay you have a point but everyone has limits and I’ve clearly pushed yours before-“ he’s cut off as T.F gives him a quick peck on the lips, leaving him flustered and giving the other an opening to say.
“We’re a package deal, Malcolm, and you’re a fool if you think I’m letting you go again.” The other blinks, as if the words are finally sinking in. After a moment, he buries his face in T.F’s shoulder once more as he mumbles.
“You’re such a sap.”
Tobias takes it as a compliment, scoffing as he responds “Says you, you just proclaimed your love to me a few minutes ago.” He pouts and asks, in the whingiest tone he can muster “Or did you not mean it? Oh Malcolm, you wound me.”
That earns him a laugh that quickly morphs into a wheeze, the sound suggesting his efforts to cheer the other up had been successful. However he still pauses and takes on a more genuine tone, asking “Are you still feeling scared?”
Graves hums in consideration at that, Tobias can feel the movement as he shrugs before he mutters. “For now, no.” Another sigh. “But I don’t think it’ll ever really go away.”
“Well then good thing I’ll always be here too.” Tobias replies with finality. He faintly hears the other man scoff as he says
“Lucky me.” He says it sarcastically but T.F knows better.
“I know a thing or two about Luck, Mal, and this ain’t that.” He leans down to whisper into the other’s ear and restrains from laughing to himself as he says “it’s fate .”
That earns him a real bark of laughter which brings a grin to his face, Graves leaning back to look into his eyes. His smile was so warm Tobias swears he could melt the Freljord- “You’re an idiot.”
Tobias can’t bring himself to be annoyed, too happy to see Malcolm back in a lighthearted mood. “I’m your idiot.” He says back, cockily.
“Damn straight.” The other claims. There’s a moment of silence before his tone becomes more serious as he says. “Tobi?”
“Yeah Mal?”
“Thank you.” He tilts his head and moves a hand to gesture to the other as he continues “You know- for this.”
“No need to thank me.” The other responds, planting a kiss to the other’s forehead. It catches him off guard and leaves him wide eyed in a way Tobias finds endlessly endearing. He chuckles before saying “Anywho- why don’t we try to get some sleep, yeah?”
“Yeah…” Graves agrees “Just keep holding me?”
“Would be my pleasure.” T.F grins, snuggling closer to the other. “Goodnight Mal.”