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The yule ball. The night all young wizards looked forward to.
That is, all young wizards, except for Regulus.
The yule ball was a night he had been dreading every year since he started going to Hogwarts. The first year, Regulus was excited to go! He was excited to have a chance to have fun and just be a kid for once in his life. But on the night of the ball, no one had spoken to him. Not even his brother had spoken to him, Sirius was way too wrapped up in his own conversations and dance to so much as look in Regulus’ direction. Not to mention his robes were girls' robes and they made him feel uncomfortable.
The night had ended with Regulus hiding under a table desperately trying not to cry. He had snuck back to his dorm and buried himself under the covers without even speaking to anyone. Not even Pandora, who was the only one of his dormmates that understood him. She hadn’t spoken to him that night either, other than a quick “come on Mira!” to get him on the dance floor before he lost her in the crowd.
Ever since that night, Regulus had a deep seated hatred for the yule ball. Every part of it, every single little thought, made his skin crawl and his heart drop. Was it nerves? The memories of the aching pain? The shame when his resolve had broken and tears rolled down his face, streaking makeup in unmistakable tracks? Whatever it was, Regulus vowed to never go to the dance again.
He’d come up with excuses every year since to avoid the dance. Once he had too much homework to go. The next he was under the weather with the flu (yes he purposefully gave himself the flu, Regulus doesn’t do things halfway.) Fourth year he’d “slept” through the ball.
But now, here he is at fifth year. And everything stopped.
Why? Because the teachers had made the ball mandatory.
Things had changed since first year. For starters, he’d talked to Dumbledore about being moved to the boys dorm. Surprisingly, Dumbledore had just smiled at him and said ‘of course’ and then asked if he wanted his name changed as well. Regulus had grinned and declared that yes, he was not Mira, but Regulus, a name he’d picked on his own after studying the family tree and the stars many times. Regulus Arcturus Black had quickly been written in place of his given name on the school documents, charmed to be read as “ Mira Caeli Black ” by his parents so as not to put him in danger.
The boys in his year had quickly taken him in, as there were only two of them and they were incredibly excited for another. Barty and Evan had quickly roped him into their group, and Regulus dragged Pandora into it as well since he couldn’t leave her behind. The four had become incredibly close since third year.
The second thing that had changed was the robe situation. His parents still sent the best robes each year, in hopes that Regulus would go to the ball and make their family look good. They had never been pleased about him missing the ball each year. The robes they sent were always the most extravagant feminine things Regulus had ever seen, very similar to the robes that Cissa always wore back when she was at Hogwarts. But Pandora was very close with Sybill Trelawney, who was incredibly skilled with sewing, and Sybill had transformed these robes into very dashing masculine clothing that Regulus would wear around his dorm even without the plans to go.
And the third thing that had changed is that Sirius had pulled his head out of his ass and started talking to Regulus more at school. He’d somehow gotten it into his mind that even though they were incredibly close at home, that he couldn’t talk to Regulus at school because it could risk both of their ‘social standings’ whatever that meant. But James had pushed him and soon enough, Regulus was sort of friends with the Gryffindor group as well.
But the ball was still something he didn’t want to do. He didn’t want all eyes to be on him. He didn’t want to humiliate himself by trying to dance when the only dances he knew were the ‘proper’ dances such as the waltz. He didn’t want to go. At all.
But he had to.
Sitting through Slughorn going over dance lessons was painful. There was only one ‘proper’ dance they’d do and after that, it was all just freestyle. So despite the unorganized fashion of dance, the students still needed a basic understanding of the waltz. This task for some reason fell on the head of houses to teach, which made for a significantly awkward experience as Slughorn, who was very much not a woman, taught the boys how to dance the boys part.
Regulus had taught himself through the mirror in his and Sirius’ room back when they had dance lessons at home. He’d zone out during these at school lessons and think of excuses to get out of the dance. But each excuse had a wall blocking the execution in a way his mind couldn’t think of a way around. Sickness? He’d done that before and surely the teachers would be suspicious. Homework? The dance was homework this time. Run away? He’d get in trouble at home.
There was no way around it.
Regulus was going to the yule ball.
“Come on Reg,” Barty whined as he pulled on his dress robes. “You never go, it’s fun!”
Regulus snorted.
“About as fun as sticking a splinter under my toenail and kicking the wall.”
“How would you know?” Barty replied, teasing his hair to look somewhat controlled and wild at the same time.
Regulus didn’t reply. He didn’t like talking about his first and only yule ball experience. The only one who knew the full extent was Pandora, who had also had a pretty shitty first yule ball. She’d spent the night alone as well, dancing in the corner with a false smile on her face. She’d confessed this to Regulus a couple years back.
“Whatever,” Regulus muttered, stepping into his shoes. “I’ll just sit at a table or something and drink pumpkin juice. They can’t force me to enjoy it.”
Evan strolled out of the bathroom, looking as fabulous as ever in his navy blue dress robes.
“You’re real sour when you want to be,” he declared. “Barty, tie my tie will you?”
Barty pouted but went about the action.
“Looks better undone.”
Evan smirked and booped his nose.
Regulus faked a sour expression, mimicking Evan’s description of him.
“Do you want me to leave the room?” He teased.
Barty flipped him off for that comment.
The trio left the dorm shortly after, meeting up with Pandora in the common room. She was wearing lavender robes and had her long hair tied up in a bun with a scrunchy that was probably made by Sybill. At the sound of footsteps, she turned away from the large window overlooking the lake and broke into a grin.
“You guys look amazing!”
__________
The ball was just as terrible as he remembered it. Too many lights, too much noise, and entirely too many people. The band wasn’t one he recognized and the food hadn’t arrived yet. Regulus glowered while his friends had expressions of pure awe and excitement on their faces.
“Careful,” someone said, causing Regulus to whip his head sideways.
“Keep making that face, it’ll get stuck like that.”
“Oh fuck off, Sirius,” Regulus retorted, shoving his brother.
Sirius just threw his head back and laughed.
“Lighten up man, I know you hate it but at least try to have a good time will you?”
Regulus made a ‘tch’ sound and rolled his eyes.
Have a good time? Kiss my ass.
Sirius dragged Regulus and his friends over to a large table where the Gryffindor group sat, talking loudly to be heard over the music. Regulus caught sight of James, who was sitting next to Lily. James looked perfect, although he always did. Wild hair somehow looking perfectly distinguished amongst his red robes. When James smiled, his eyes crinkled up around the edges with a purity and element of genuinity that Regulus both envied and admired. The light reflected off his glasses, casting a blue tint to his dark skin.
Someone elbowed him, snapping Regulus out of whatever trance he had been in.
“What?” He hissed, annoyed.
“You’re staring again,” Evan replied in a sing-song voice.
Regulus shook his head and grumbled something under his breath before taking the empty seat next to Lily.
Lily also looked stunning, red hair contrasting against a soft green outfit. Her smile was very similar to James’, genuine and sincere. Her voice was like a melody, even when she was shouting.
Regulus felt a little sad and a little torn as he watched her and James interact. They were so perfect for each other. They were meant to be. The couple. They teased each other endlessly and flirted the same amount.
Regulus, despite telling himself not to, wanted what they had.
For an excruciatingly long ten minutes, Regulus sat silently at the table. Sybill had joined them at some point and was talking about some prophetic dream she’d had with Pandora, who was listening intently. Sirius and the rest of the Gryffindors were talking louder than they needed to, laughing and sharing stories of pranks and quidditch and meaningless childhood events.
Everything was so pointless and tiring and overwhelming that Regulus just wanted to leave. He watched the food table with desperation, craving not just the food but also a distraction from the whole affair.
He stayed at the table while the rest of the group went to join the waltz with their respective partners. Hogwarts didn’t care who you danced with or dated, which was very refreshing after his parents shoved their traditional ‘values’ down his throat from the time he was born.
Barty swung Evan around and Evan did the same to Barty, both of them trying to dance the boys part of the dance. Pandora and Sybill traded partners with Evan and Barty on occasion, the four of them taking turns dancing with each other seamlessly.
As Regulus watched, he felt a sense of longing. A sense to be in the exchange between them. To just dance.
But he quickly shoved that down. This dance was nothing more than a bad memory that he had to relive for a single night. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a bad memory.
He crossed his legs as tightly as he could and fiddled with his fingers. His eyes darted around the room, struggling to find a point to fixate on. His head was pounding with his heart.
Then he looked at James and Lily.
The couple was absolutely the highlight of the dance. The pair was in the direct center with everyone else circling around them. They spun and stepped and moved in perfect synchronicity. James had his hand resting on Lily’s waist and smiled down at her with the face of a man in love. Lily returned the expression, seemingly fighting the urge to move closer and rest her head on James’ chest.
The sight made Regulus’ heart ache once more. His stomach did flips and his throat clogged up a little.
“What’s wrong with me?” He whispered to himself, taking deep breaths to release the tension in his body.
When the dance came to an end, most of the people stayed on the dance floor. A few started to shuffle over to the food table, which to Regulus’ delight, had been filled with mountains of food that made dinners in the great hall look like a simple snack. He didn’t waste any time shoving his chair backwards and practically sprinting to grab a plate.
Sirius had been one of the people to abandon the dance floor for food. He held two plates in his hands and was filling them both. One was probably for Remus, Sirius always got his food for some reason. Regulus didn’t speak to his brother, instead silently piling mashed potatoes onto his plate and pouring a healthy amount of gravy over them.
He waited by the bowl of pumpkin juice for Sirius to leave and go back to their table before walking back. It was a little funny, he thought, that his first dance he’d wanted to be surrounded by people only to now want nothing more than to be alone.
Sirius had left the food at the table before bouncing back out to join his friends, who were dancing anything but dignified. Lily had taken her hair out of its braid and was swinging it around as she jumped up and down.
She looked like she was having the time of her life.
Regulus sighed, unable to deny the growing sadness in his chest. As a distraction, he shoveled as many peas as he could into his mouth and hid his emotions behind his perfectly constructed mask. The very same mask he wore at home.
He didn’t see the look James gave him, one of confusion and slight longing. He didn’t see how James tapped Lily on the shoulder and gestured towards him. He didn’t see how Lily wrapped her hand around James’ and pulled him off the dance floor to where Regulus sat at the table.
He didn’t see them until James pulled out the chair next to him and sat down.
Regulus looked up from his plate, quickly swallowing his mouthful of peas before speaking.
“What are you looking at?” He asked coldly.
“You look sad,” James answered, much to Regulus’ shock.
How had he seen through the mask?
“Well,” Regulus started, playing with his potatoes. “I’m not, I’m enjoying dinner.”
Lily gently placed a hand on his shoulder and Regulus looked up at her. That genuine smile was directed at him, melting whatever ice was left in his body.
“Come on Reg,” she started. “You should join us.”
“Thanks, but I’d rather die.”
James groaned and threw his head back, clearly over exaggerating his actions.
“You can’t just sit here while everyone else has fun! I know you vowed never to enjoy this but can you at least try?”
Regulus’ blank expression faltered for a moment. He blinked hard, shaking his head slightly.
The music changed to a pop song and a good majority of the students screamed in delight. Regulus scrunched his shoulders up to his ears.
“Oh I love this song!” Lily exclaimed, spinning Regulus’ chair around and grabbing his wrists. She pulled him out of his chair with minimum effort. (Regulus would never admit it, but he secretly let her.)
“James come on!”
She dragged both of them to the rest of the group and began dancing like she had before. James quickly joined in, but Regulus stood still, awkwardly crossing his arms and shuffling his feet.
“Dance with us!”
Regulus bit his lip. He was already here, he’d already broken his vow from first year to never go to the ball. But still, he couldn’t bring himself to dance. He felt tight all over, his muscles tense and stressed. He was almost embarrassed just being on the dance floor.
“I don’t know how,” he finally admitted, gaze locked on his shoes.
Lily stopped dancing for a moment and lifted Regulus’ head by placing a couple of fingers under his chin. Regulus was sure his face went bright red.
“It’s easy,” she smirked, leaning closer to him. “You just need to let loose, stop being so tense and afraid of being embarrassed and just go for it.”
Regulus took a shaky breath.
“I can’t .”
Lily kept her eyes locked on Regulus’ face, but her hands traveled down to grab his own. Regulus stared at their interlocked hands with awe, never had he thought he’d get to hold her hands.
“Just, follow my lead.”
Lily began to slowly move their arms back and forth, bending one of hers and pushing the other to force Regulus to bend his own. Ever so gradually, she picked up the speed, bringing them into a rhythm of movement.
At first, Regulus moved harshly, jerking his limbs along with Lily’s and nearly stumbling when she yanked his arm forwards. Lily only laughed and leaned forwards when Regulus pulled her arm in turn.
The tension began to fade away. This was sort of fun.
Lily let go of one of his hands, causing fear to race through Regulus’ veins at the thought of dancing alone, only to feel his now empty hand be filled with the warm grasp of a much larger hand than Lily’s. He let out a gasp before he could stop it and his already warm face grew to be burning hot.
James Potter. James fucking Potter was holding his hand now, easily falling into the rhythm that Lily had set. Regulus felt whatever ease he’d found dissipate as his body flooded with nerves and bi panic set in. He’d refused to admit having a crush on either of the two, but he can’t deny it anymore, not when they’re holding his hands and dancing with him.
The music came to a slightly quieter part, albeit not entirely quiet since it still blared around the room, but a softer moment. Lily pulled James and Regulus in closer, shuffling in like a huddle, until their shoulders were touching (well, James had hit his growth spurt so as close to his shoulders as they could get).
“Okay,” Lily said, grinning widely. “When I say so, just go for it! Go absolutely fucking wild!”
Regulus’ eyes widened while James just laughed and nodded.
“Regulus,” Lily said, directing her attention at him. “Just don’t think, don’t worry about anything, just do what feels right.”
Regulus took a deep breath.
“Okay.”
Lily beamed.
“Ready? Three, Two, One!”
As the song increased in volume, she shot backwards, letting go of their hands and began jumping around, whipping her head around so her hair swayed along with her movements. She laughed freely and threw her arms up in the air.
James bounced in circles, discreetly pulling out his wand to do a temporary sticking charm on his glasses before joining Lily in her style of dance.
Regulus stood for a moment, frozen by the sensation of still feeling James and Lily’s hands in his own.
Then, he grinned. Fuck it.
He giggled and bounced on his toes, feeling the beat of the music, before looking to the couple for guidance, he was still new to this.
James grabbed Regulus by the shoulder and prompted him to bounce a little more, to have his toes leave the ground and let go. James was easy to follow, it’s no wonder he was in the running for quidditch captain. When Lily joined them, all concern Regulus had about how he looked. All the bad memories from his first dance. They all faded away.
He felt awkward still, but as he jumped up and down with James and Lily, he felt pure joy. He couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t stop the laughter from bubbling out of his mouth. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of the two.
When the song came to an end, Regulus stopped jumping, but he didn’t stop laughing. This was the most fun he’d ever had in this whole life.
Lily grinned back at him, that genuine grin that she always had, never hiding any secret hatred or concealing an ulterior motive.
“I knew you could do it!”
Before Regulus knew what was happening, Lily had rushed forwards and entangled him in a hug. An embrace so strong that Regulus had to take a few steps back for balance. For a moment, he was frozen, but then he returned the embrace, a little more careful than Lily had been.
James stood next to them for a moment, just smiling fondly at the pair, before shoving himself in as well.
“Share the man, would you Lily? Stop hogging him.”
Regulus giggled and opened his arm to wrap around James.
That morning, he’d woken up and dreaded the night. He’d been prepared to sit at the table, sip his drink, and have a downright horrid time.
But now, as he stood on the dance floor with two sets of arms around him, Regulus had no regrets. He didn’t resent the dance as much as he had before. He didn’t hate the sounds or the lights or even the amount of people who stared at them.
Instead, he closed his eyes and let his walls fall down.
This was so much better than he could have ever imagined.