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Idia regrets many things. One of those things was meeting Malleus.
Standing in front of the mirror, he meekly wrapped his arms around his waist as he stared at himself in disgust. He had been wearing the same clothing for a week straight. His face was gaunt, his eyes puffy and bright. He wasn’t sure when was the last time he showered, or that last time he ate for that matter. He had lost count a few days ago.
It had been months since he had last spoken to him. Malleus no longer wanted to see him. Which was fair, Idia told himself; what did he even have to offer at that point? Every time they saw each other, there was always something to nitpick. Something to argue about. Idia was willing to fight for him, but why fight for someone who no longer had their heart in it anymore? That was Idia’s biggest mistake. He should have let him go sooner.
The only light in his room were the ones coming from his monitor. He sat down in his gaming chair, wiping his tears. How do you get over the only person who was willing to give you a chance? Idia had no idea what self worth was. He had convinced himself Malleus was the best he was ever going to get. Malleus was handsome, nice, caring, responsible, everything you would want in a partner; so where exactly did Idia go wrong?
That’s all Idia ever did. Disappoint and fuck up. He hugged his knees to his chest, tears threatening to spill again. He was never going to feel the warmth of his touch anymore. His kisses. The intimacy. Idia needed him so much. He had tried everything to move on, meeting other people, going out, but nothing worked. There he was, several months later, still crying. They had so much planned for the future together. He hoped Malleus was doing better off without him, because then at least one of them would be happy. Idia felt like he had to deal with the worst of it. Secretly, he cared too much. And he wished he had expressed that more. Perhaps it would have saved their relationship. Maybe it wouldn’t have.
Idia wishes he could be like Malleus. He seemed happier, according to everyone. Malleus was always so much better than he was. Idia was always pessimistic and there was Malleus. But Malleus was imperfect too, but at least in comparison, he had his life somewhat together. He did what was best for him. Idia however, did not. Because at some point, Idia’s entire point in living had been tied to the fae. His happiness, his other half, and now he was left with little to nothing. All Idia had known since they met was Malleus. And now, Idia felt like he had lost a majority of himself. He was picking up the pieces of his own broken heart, but he had given up halfway.
He sunk deeper into his chair. He looked up articles sometimes on the right way to move on, and he had genuinely tried to put the advice into practice, but it was starting to feel even more impossible day by day. He convinced himself that there was nothing that would ever make him feel better. His friends tried, but he had isolated himself so much that they stopped asking. Idia preferred it that way. He didn’t want help from anybody or anything. He didn’t think he deserved it.
If Idia never met Malleus, he would have never known how good it felt to be loved. It was truly a blessing. He would have never experienced the heartbreak he left him with. The grief he still dealt with. He would have continued in ignorant bliss. He wouldn’t have a reason to hate himself more now that he was met face to face with his flaws. He hated Malleus for loving him so much. He hated himself for falling so deeply in love with him. He wished he never gave himself to him, his entire heart and mind. Idia was nothing compared to Malleus. The fae will continue to live his life, fall in love again, with someone better. And all Idia could do was mourn the love he would never have again.
“To the moon and back,” Idia muttered to himself, staring at his unmade bed. He was sorry, for everything. But what good would sorry do? Nothing. It was too late. He had moved on. Malleus had moved on and left Idia behind to enter a new chapter in his life. Maybe it was for the best. He just prayed that Malleus knew how much Idia loved him. Even if that love was never returned again.