Chapter Text
“Farewell, sweet Moony.”
“Ta Ta, ickle Moonykins.”
“Have fun on rounds, Remus.”
“Thank you, Peter,” Remus gave a pointed look to Sirius and James.
“Don’t be cross, Moony! We were just sending you off with a proper goodbye!” Sirius whined.
“And I appreciate the effort, but maybe you could try to not christen me next time? I don’t appreciate the soggy trousers.”
“Don’t get pissy now, you’re a wizard aren’t you? Just spell it away.”
Remus rolled his eyes.
“It’s a matter of principle. Just because I can fix it, doesn’t mean you should do it.”
Sirius pouted. It shouldn’t have been sexy, but like most things Sirius did, it incredibly was.
“You’re no fun.”
“I know,” Remus agreed sympathetically, hanging his head in mock shame.
Sirius grinned at him. That blinding, handsome, devil-may-care grin.
“Well then,” Remus clasped his hands together, “I should be off.”
Sirius' fingers twitched around his goblet of pumpkin juice. It had been empty as of a few moments ago, after he whacked the full glass on Remus’ arse as part of his final send off.
“Don’t even think about it,” Remus said with narrowed eyes. Sirius only bit his lip in response, clasping the stem even tighter.
“You shouldn’t be so soft on him,” Peter scolded, “he only does it ‘coz he knows he can get away with it.”
“He’s not my child,” Remus scowled, “How I respond doesn’t matter; I have no authority over him.”
“Damn right you don’t!” Sirius cheered, banging his goblet on the dining table.
“Right,” Remus nodded, “I really should go. And you lot should too, unless you want to get caught in Padfoot’s splash zone.”
“Bring it on, Baby!” James challenged.
“Oh no. Can I come with you Remus?”
“‘Fraid not, Wormy.”
Remus turned to exit. He’d been hovering around the Gryffindor table for too long already, but he wanted to avoid his Saturday night rounds for as long as possible. He was paired off with the new Slytherin prefect today, and he could already tell he was going to be in for a long, painful evening. But alas, not all things could be avoided, and Remus’ time in the sun must come to an end.
As soon as he turned his back on the Marauders, he felt a quick, sharp pinch on his left buttox.
“Ow!” He yelped, turning around to face his friends.
Sirius, was smiling at him cheekily, his mouth full of food.
“Sorry, Moony. Thought you’d appreciate a cheeky squeeze over a real bottle smashing into your tiny hiny.”
Remus rubbed his already sore bum. There would definitely be a bruise tomorrow.
“Wanker, that hurt!”
“Like I said, it was either that or the glass!”
‘Why couldn’t it be neither? You’ve already made me all sticky, now you’re bruising me, too?”
“Careful what you say, Moony, some might think we’re having a torrid affair with words like that,” Sirius waggled his eyebrows, “plus, it's your first rounds of the new school year! It deserves a celebration!”
Remus sighed and pushed Sirius towards his plate.
“Leave me and my arse alone!” He called over his shoulder as he began his trek down to the dungeons.
“No promises!” Sirius hollered back.
-----
Remus sat outside Slughorn’s classroom, the designated meeting spot for tonight, recounting the three distinguishing factors between the goblin wars, when two lanky, well tailored legs appeared in front of him. He followed the legs up until he was met with an all too familiar stare.
“Hello, Regulus,” Remus smiled politely.
Regulus scoffed.
“Lupin.” Like most things Regulus said, the greeting was efficient and lacking in passion.
“Congratulations on becoming a Prefect. I’m sure your family must be proud,” He said as he pushed himself up the wall.
Regulus barely contained his sneer.
Remus waited for a proper reply, but when it became clear that he was not going to get one, he charged ahead, paving a route for the two.
“I assume you’ve already been given a breakdown of your Prefect duties?”
Regulus nodded.
“Great, so we can either do them together, covering the same area, or we could patrol different areas of the same floor. Best that we try to stay in the same vicinity, though. We’d be rather useless facing a gang of students on our own.”
“Have you encountered many gangs of students on your patrols, Lupin?” Regulus smirked.
“Oh, you’d be surprised,” Remus nodded seriously, a small smile tugging at his lips, “hooligans roam these hallways, tom foolery is always afoot! It’s a no man’s land out here. The only person you can look out for is yourself. You always have to watch your back, they’ll get ya if you don’t.”
Regulus side eyed Remus.
“Than I suppose we better stay together.”
Remus nodded, a little uncertain.
“Yes, I suppose we should.”
They walked the dungeons in a surprisingly comfortable silence, trading hesitant glances periodically.
Remus wasn’t quite sure how to act around Regulus. Sirius had just run away from home this past summer; in three days it will be the two month anniversary. As far as Remus knew, Regulus had essentially disowned Sirius, choosing his parents over his brother. There was no contact, no apologies, no spared glances in the hall. Absolutely nothing. Remus knew he should hate Regulus, treat him with same condemnation Sirius would use, but Remus had a job to perform. He couldn’t curse out his fellow prefect just because he was his best friend’s brother. So Remus let Regulus set the mood. If they had to do the whole shift in silence, so be it. Far from Remus to bring up sensitive topics or instigate a possible conflict. That said, it would be a terribly slow shift if they didn’t talk once… Snape may be a bully, and the 7th year prefect, Millicent Parkinson, might spew out blood purist rants, but at least they talked.
Remus almost hoped Regulus would start spewing some hateful nonsense just so Remus could have something to silently seethe about. But, to his surprise, the exact opposite occurred.
“Your boyfriend must be pretty upset with you doing rounds on a Saturday night.”
Internally, Remus froze. Alarm systems were on full blast, the little people Remus imagined working his brain were exploding, reforming, and then combusting into violent blue flames.
Externally, Remus looked unfazed. He stuck his hands into his pockets, cocked his head, and looked at Regulus curiously.
“Boyfriend?” He asked. It came out higher than he liked. He cleared his throat, and tried again. “Last time I checked, I didn’t have a boyfriend.”
“Yes, you do,” Regulus paused and scowled, “don’t you?”
“Regulus! Is this your way of asking if I’m single? Well, I’m honoured-”
“Sod off, you wanker.” Regulus said bitingly, too harsh for Remus’ taste in banter. But still, he could work with this.
“I saw you with him at dinner,” Regulus said quietly, staring at the floor with determination. “He seemed quite angry. He threw his drink in your lap.”
“Oh,” Remus replied softly, his heart melting a bit, “that boyfriend.”
Regulus nodded uncomfortably.
“Is he, uh, okay? Did you get into a lovers quarrel, or something?”
“Obviously you missed the part where he nearly tore a chunk out of my arse with those grabby hands of his,” Remus snorted.
Regulus wrinkled his nose.
“It’s sweet of you to check in on him, but if you’re genuinely curious, we’re not actually dating. I don’t have a boyfriend.”
Regulus’ harsh scowl settled into his skin, tattooing his features.
“Why not?” He asked sharply.
Remus rubbed his elbows and looked away.
“Well, there’s an assortment of reasons really. I’m quite busy with school, and prefect duties, and the study club. Oh, and then there are the hours I volunteer at the library, so I wouldn’t be a very available boyfriend. I’m also a little immature most of the time, and I don’t like having serious conversations, so I think that might hinder my ability to have a deep and meaningful relationship with another person. Then there’s my appearance which, let's be honest, isn’t much, and is down right scary at the best of the times. The scars don’t really scream boyfriend material, you know? I also dress like a retired librarian who suffers from arthritis and hasn’t had sex for the last 30 years, so that probably puts a hinderance on my sex appeal. Then there’s the fact that I spend most of my time with the Marauders, and I don’t think I could stop hanging out with them for a romantic partner, even if I wanted to. I love my friends too much, they will always come first. Oh, and I suppose you could add my stubbornness to the list, that doesn’t make me very easy to be with either. And I don’t even like myself most of the time, so I don't know how I could ever accept love from someone else. And that’s not even beginning to cover my plethora of personal issues-”
“No!” Regulus cut off Remus’ ramble through gritted teeth, “I mean, why aren’t you and Sirius together?”
“Oh-” He inhaled a large breath, as if he were about to start another sentence, then closed his mouth tightly. “Dunno,” Remus shrugged.
Regulus stared at him openly. He looked at Remus like Remus was a freak, like he didn’t understand anything about him. Which was fair. Remus would probably do the same if the roles were reversed.
“That fucking prick. All that- and for what? Fucking dickhead,” Regulus muttered under his breath.
“Erm, what?”
“You’re seriously not dating my brother?”
“I’m as serious as his name,” Remus replied in earnest.
“Sweet Merlin, release me from this life,” Regulus held a hand to his chest, looking up towards the ceiling as if praying to god, “you’re perfect for each other!”
And they said Sirius was the dramatic one.
Blushing, Remus charged up the stairs to the first floor corridor, ignoring Regulus and his weird outbursts.
“Lupin? You do know you’re in love with my brother, right?”
“What?” Remus spluttered, turning back to face a smirking Regulus, “of course I know. They’re my emotions!”
“Not all of us are privy to your talents of self reflection, Remus. It’s entirely plausible that you didn’t know.”
“Is it?” Remus asked, incredulous.
“Yes. For example, Sirius is in love with you. He just doesn’t know it.”
Remus scoffed. There was no way. Surely Remus would know. He looked for clues everywhere. He became Sherlock Holmes whenever Sirius was around; his life turned into a sweeping mystery in which every case must be solved. But Sirius always operated in a different genre. He was a science fiction space alien, a dystopian robot. He had no clues to give out. He simply existed, and burnt down every genre convention that Remus built his mystery of a life around.
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“My brother is stupid. He did everything but confess his undying love for you the night he left home, and yet he still pretends like you’re nothing more than best bros.”
“You’re wrong. I don’t know what he told you, but he doesn’t feel that way about me. It’s impossible.”
“Nothing is impossible,” Regulus refuted.
“Making Sirius Black love me, sure is!” Remus threw his hands in the air and no doubt looked a little crazed as he glared at Regulus.
Regulus smirked like that was the best news in the world.
“Don’t worry Lupin, I’ve got the brightest minds at Hogwarts under my wing. Together, we can remedy this issue.”
“Regulus, no, just no! While I appreciate you wanting to help me, or help Sirius, or- are you even trying to help? What are you helping with? I am so confused - just - whatever me and Sirius are, whatever happens, I think you should stay out of it. I’m not interested in being the butt of your joke.”
Regulus paused to assess Remus, giving him a quick once over.
“Believe it or not, Lupin, I do still love my brother. He’s been unhappy for a long, long time, and for whatever reason, your bumbling, blushing excuse of an existence seems to make him happy. So, for his sake, and I suppose yours, I am going to get you two together, even if it’s the last thing I do.”
Regulus was quite scary when he was being serious. He grew taller, more gaunt. He had this wild spark to his eyes, one that twinkled devilishly as the cogs in his brain turned, no doubt creating some maniacal plan.
“And,” Regulus grinned, “Sirius dating a boy will drive my parents crazy. If anything good can come from Sirius being disowned, it’s that he can piss them off without any consequences. If I can help him create a little more chaos in the Black family… well I don’t see why I shouldn’t seize the opportunity.”
Remus could only nod along in shock, it was a lot to take in. He refused to believe that Sirius could ever like him like that, let alone love him. But if anyone were to know, he supposed it would be Regulus.
Remus’ nodding became less panicked, turning into something thoughtful and hesitant.
“You promise you’re not joking?”
“Yes. But you should know better than anyone to never trust a Slytherin’s word.”
“And you plan on doing what, exactly? Shove me and Sirius into a broom cupboard until we have at it?”
“Please, I think I can come up with something a bit more original than that,” Regulus scoffed.
“And you really mean it? You want to help?”
Regulus softened for a moment.
“Yes, I really do,” he said earnestly, “so do you want the help, or not?”
He didn’t, he really didn’t. But, the what if’s kept wiggling around in his mind. What if Regulus is right, what if he gets us together, what if Sirius loves me back…
Remus stuck out his hand, ready to shake. No going back now.
“You’ve got a deal.”
What on earth was he getting himself into?